Our children on infidelity...............

[peaksandvalleys]

Lots of affairs are not a quick one round the back of the bike shed, mostly they are about a relationship and not always to do with sex.

If you love someone you always are thinking about the future and just for your kids to say hello to the person you love is a normal transition in the relationship just as if you were best of friends. My mm also let me see his grandkid as he was so happy and proud, and wanted to share that with me because he loved me. Kids are more adaptable than you imagine. I introduced MM and told them that we loved each other and never ever let them think he was moving in even though I would eventually have liked that to happen. It is when there is a sudden shock and one parent leaves that causes the greatest pain. If they are introduced to someone who doesn't immediately move in, then I see no harm to them. It is reality, it is life. And sometimes life is just ... well:(:( you cannot protect them from that, it happens. Our job is to give them enough love to keep them strong enough to cope.

 

 

I disagree with you and so does the counselor that we see. But then I think it depends what side of the triangle that you view things from. Kids might be resilient but they do not always adapt to stressful situations. I am glad that my children are not younger and I do not have to deal with them being introduced to anyone especially the OW in our lives. I am a bit confused. Earlier in this thread you said ex-MM. Are you still together?

[janedoe67]

Affairs are VERY hard on children, and for a long time. I know that my children were confused, hurt, and disappointed by my failures. And their dad did not shield me from that or them from the truth. I think that the key in the healing that has happened in our parent child relationship was two-fold. First, I did a lot of work. Second - and honestly waaaay more significant than anything I did - their dad's willingness to believe in redemption. And his willingness to not in any condone what I did but STILL expect them to treat me as their mother. It would have been very easy for him to encourage and revel in them treating me like crap.....but he didn't.

 

I expect that as my kids get older we'll have more discussions about this. It's only natural as they grow and "get" more they'll ask more.

 

We still discuss the past events of their grandparents' deaths, pets dying, an accident one of them had years ago. We don't live there, but it is part of the story of our lives, so to speak.

 

There is a difference between an honest discussion with our kids about the effects of adultery, which is what divine seems to have had, and gathering up the kids to make sure they never forget how awful and immoral mommy or daddy were. One is healthy, the other is....sad.

[RightThere]

Lots of affairs are not a quick one round the back of the bike shed, mostly they are about a relationship and not always to do with sex.

If you love someone you always are thinking about the future and just for your kids to say hello to the person you love is a normal transition in the relationship just as if you were best of friends. My mm also let me see his grandkid as he was so happy and proud, and wanted to share that with me because he loved me. Kids are more adaptable than you imagine. I introduced MM and told them that we loved each other and never ever let them think he was moving in even though I would eventually have liked that to happen. It is when there is a sudden shock and one parent leaves that causes the greatest pain. If they are introduced to someone who doesn't immediately move in, then I see no harm to them. It is reality, it is life. And sometimes life is just ... well:(:( you cannot protect them from that, it happens. Our job is to give them enough love to keep them strong enough to cope.

 

Actually what you do by introducing them to your MM is potentially give your kids attachment issues.

 

Not only do they see the breakup of their own family, but they get introduced too early to another potential mate that may or may not be around long term.

 

Kids then grow up with the understanding that mom and dad aren't together or around all the time, now neither is the new MM I got introduced to.

 

It is different because you're not introducing them to a new "friend". You're introducing them to someone at that time who is very important in your life, which makes kids think they should be important in their life. When they are removed or gone, it confuses kids as to who they can attach to.

[Fluttershy]

You can't make your kids feel a certain way but you can influence them a lot. It would be a lie to say there aren't parents who work hard on turnin their kids against the other parent. So while feelings cannot be controlled only influenced to a degree I do believe behaviour in the under aged child can be. And all under aged children should treat both parents with respect, no name calling and no attitude just the same as if te wayward parent didn't cheat.

 

As far as adult children go I think they should be encouraged to work on the damaged relationship with the understanding it is entirely their choice to do so. And, they also need to learn that they are responsible for their current behaviour. Too many adults blame their parents for their poor life choices. Yeah, it is too bad you had crappy parents but so did X an they aren't wasteing their life. The people who constantly play the victim and blame others for everythin wrong in their life are the ones who never get a better life.

[Spark1111]

You can't make your kids feel a certain way but you can influence them a lot. It would be a lie to say there aren't parents who work hard on turnin their kids against the other parent. So while feelings cannot be controlled only influenced to a degree I do believe behaviour in the under aged child can be. And all under aged children should treat both parents with respect, no name calling and no attitude just the same as if te wayward parent didn't cheat.

 

As far as adult children go I think they should be encouraged to work on the damaged relationship with the understanding it is entirely their choice to do so. And, they also need to learn that they are responsible for their current behaviour. Too many adults blame their parents for their poor life choices. Yeah, it is too bad you had crappy parents but so did X an they aren't wasteing their life. The people who constantly play the victim and blame others for everythin wrong in their life are the ones who never get a better life.

 

So a child must respect a parent who has disrespected them or another parent?

 

What if no one worked to turn them against the other parent?

 

What if that is just HOW they feel? Should they stuff expressing their feelings because to express them could be considered disrespectful?

 

maybe instead of saying I'm only human and made mistakes and the kids will adapt we all RAISE THE BAR and try harder to do the best job possible on the most important job any of us will ever have?

[janedoe67]

My children were perfectly free to express their hurt and disappointment to me, as they should have been.

 

They were NOT free to defy and disobey everything I said just because I screwed up.

I will say that anyone who thinks a child SHOULD be free to defy and disobey a parent who has strayed cannot possibly say with a straight face that that is part of recovery. That is just plain old vindictiveness. At least own it.

[Fluttershy]

So a child must respect a parent who has disrespected them or another parent?

 

What if no one worked to turn them against the other parent?

 

What if that is just HOW they feel? Should they stuff expressing their feelings because to express them could be considered disrespectful?

 

maybe instead of saying I'm only human and made mistakes and the kids will adapt we all RAISE THE BAR and try harder to do the best job possible on the most important job any of us will ever have?

 

I am not talking about being hurt or angry and you know it. But no child should be allowed to insult and disobey the wayward parent. The wayward is still the parent and letting kids be beasts to the wayward parent is WRONG and teaches kids the wrong way to channel their emotions. And anyone who thinks it is okay not to correct your child if they do so has issues all of their own.

 

Kid screams at parent "I don't have to do what you say, you slut" would you rather say "oh, its okay to do that, she is a slut" or "I understand you are hurt and angry but your mom is still your mom and you still have to obey her. It is okay to be hurt and angry but name calling will not help."

[experiencethedevine]

I am not talking about being hurt or angry and you know it. But no child should be allowed to insult and disobey the wayward parent. The wayward is still the parent and letting kids be beasts to the wayward parent is WRONG and teaches kids the wrong way to channel their emotions. And anyone who thinks it is okay not to correct your child if they do so has issues all of their own.

 

Kid screams at parent "I don't have to do what you say, you slut" would you rather say "oh, its okay to do that, she is a slut" or "I understand you are hurt and angry but your mom is still your mom and you still have to obey her. It is okay to be hurt and angry but name calling will not help."

 

 

 

As much as my children were angry and upset with their Father when it all came out, they would never dream of 'screaming' at him, or I come to that.

 

 

They were terribly hurt, disappointed and disillusioned with their Father, but they simply told him so, and without screaming or swearing, told him that they would never forget what he had done to his family and his wife.

[Fluttershy]

As much as my children were angry and upset with their Father when it all came out, they would never dream of 'screaming' at him, or I come to that.

 

 

They were terribly hurt, disappointed and disillusioned with their Father, but they simply told him so, and without screaming or swearing, told him that they would never forget what he had done to his family and his wife.

 

So what you're saying is they remained respectful. Good job for raising such good kids!

[janedoe67]

Kid screams at parent "I don't have to do what you say, you slut" would you rather say "oh, its okay to do that, she is a slut" or "I understand you are hurt and angry but your mom is still your mom and you still have to obey her. It is okay to be hurt and angry but name calling will not help."

 

BS's honest answer to this question reveals at least as much about their character as it does the WS's.

[nittygritty]

As much as my children were angry and upset with their Father when it all came out, they would never dream of 'screaming' at him, or I come to that.

 

 

They were terribly hurt, disappointed and disillusioned with their Father, but they simply told him so, and without screaming or swearing, told him that they would never forget what he had done to his family and his wife.

 

Has your daughter told you how she feels about you choosing to stay married to him after you knew? Is there any resentment about that? Does she see you as a helpless victim? Or a survivor of abusive behavior? Even though your daughter is grown are you worried about how staying married to him still makes her feel about his betrayal? Divorce may have given some closure and perhaps some healing but it sounds like her "wounds" are still open.

[crederer]

Well when I found out about my mum I never really said anything. She was in full selfish mode and I tried having some meaningful conversations with her about it (at her request) and anything I said she'd dismiss and come up with some excuse. There was never any real apology and everything was about how it effected her.

 

It doesn't mean I don't feel like yelling or grabbing her by the head and saying "what the hell is wrong with you!>!>" but it wont do any good, so why bother?

 

I think it's good for your daughter to do what she did though. It's important he understands how he effed up in more ways than one.

[janedoe67]

Since we're talking about children (and I can't believe I am asking this)

 

What do you think about children in a situation where the WS is remorseful, does the work, apologizes, changes, etc. Are the kids still negatively warped for life or can they learn anything at all positive about change, redemption, accepting responsibility...

 

I am NOT in any way calling any A good. Just like other tragedies and injustices are not good. But....does the A erase all hope for the kids and/or their relationship with the FWS, or CAN they recover and even think of the FWS as a redeemable human again?

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Since we're talking about children (and I can't believe I am asking this)

 

What do you think about children in a situation where the WS is remorseful, does the work, apologizes, changes, etc. Are the kids still negatively warped for life or can they learn anything at all positive about change, redemption, accepting responsibility...

 

I am NOT in any way calling any A good. Just like other tragedies and injustices are not good. But....does the A erase all hope for the kids and/or their relationship with the FWS, or CAN they recover and even think of the FWS as a redeemable human again?

 

Before i was married, my husband's father left his mother for the OW who he met online. She was American, and he used family funds to move her out here to Australia and set up house with her. She was an unstable woman who got a PI to get the email address of my husband, sister in law another in law and sent them every single love email to legitimise their relationship. H was 25 at the time.

 

After FIL figured out she was bat$hit crazy, he reconciled with my MIL. My husband was already an adult, so I dont think it was necessary for him to get those 'life lessons'. His relationship with his father is restored. Its pretty much business as usual. But it has a permanent scar on it. Some respect has been lost. My husband used to hold his father in veryhigh esteem. Not so much now. But his biggest issue is that he will never be able to forgive him for the pain he put his mother through, as his mother leaned on him very heavily for support. So, the relationship has recovered, but it will never be what it once was.

[crederer]

Since we're talking about children (and I can't believe I am asking this)

 

What do you think about children in a situation where the WS is remorseful, does the work, apologizes, changes, etc. Are the kids still negatively warped for life or can they learn anything at all positive about change, redemption, accepting responsibility...

 

I am NOT in any way calling any A good. Just like other tragedies and injustices are not good. But....does the A erase all hope for the kids and/or their relationship with the FWS, or CAN they recover and even think of the FWS as a redeemable human again?

 

My parents never got to this stage, but before dday (i found out by accident of it before my dad) I pondered the situation, and I felt like my dad should leave her. Even though I didn't want that result, just thinking of my dad taking her back made me literally feel ill and I'd probably lose respect for him if he did.

 

He didn't, though.

[Fluttershy]

My parents never got to this stage, but before dday (i found out by accident of it before my dad) I pondered the situation, and I felt like my dad should leave her. Even though I didn't want that result, just thinking of my dad taking her back made me literally feel ill and I'd probably lose respect for him if he did.

 

He didn't, though.

 

What if she had been a remorseful wayward? Losing respect for your father because he would choose to forgive someone who is remorseful and wanting to work on things tells more about you then him.

[TheBladeRunner]

My child was 4 when the flood came. I have never, nor will I ever bring it up what really happened in the future. I can't see how it would do any good for me or my child, what's done is done. OP, you have it rough because your kids are older, I can only imagine what you have to deal with. I can get away with stuff like "mommy and daddy just aren't together anymore but we are still friends"; my XW lies and says stuff like mommy and daddy were always fighting".....a total lie.

 

I have a friend in a similar situation with the same age kid as mine (young). She says she has saved every e-mail and nasty letter the XH ever wrote her and she is going to give it to her kid when she feels she is old enough. I understand the hurt, pain, and heck, even wanting justice, but I just don't see how doing this will benefit anyone. I had to let go of all of the A on her part, I'll be damned if I will allow ANYONE to influence how I feel when I am in control of myself.

 

In a nutshell, I don't think affairs are good for kids. It's Christmas time and my 5 year old is starting to question why we are not together again....it just sucks.

[experiencethedevine]

My child was 4 when the flood came. I have never, nor will I ever bring it up what really happened in the future. I can't see how it would do any good for me or my child, what's done is done. OP, you have it rough because your kids are older, I can only imagine what you have to deal with. I can get away with stuff like "mommy and daddy just aren't together anymore but we are still friends"; my XW lies and says stuff like mommy and daddy were always fighting".....a total lie.

 

I have a friend in a similar situation with the same age kid as mine (young). She says she has saved every e-mail and nasty letter the XH ever wrote her and she is going to give it to her kid when she feels she is old enough. I understand the hurt, pain, and heck, even wanting justice, but I just don't see how doing this will benefit anyone. I had to let go of all of the A on her part, I'll be damned if I will allow ANYONE to influence how I feel when I am in control of myself.

 

In a nutshell, I don't think affairs are good for kids. It's Christmas time and my 5 year old is starting to question why we are not together again....it just sucks.

 

 

You have my understanding, and my very best that the new year brings a little magic to you and your little one.

[TheBladeRunner]

You have my understanding, and my very best that the new year brings a little magic to you and your little one.

 

Thanks! It get's easier and easier.....I'm even OK with Christmas dinner at Denny's......think I'll have the pancakes . Affairs and divorce for that matter are always tough on the kids; no way to butter that over or even put sugar on it.

[experiencethedevine]

Has your daughter told you how she feels about you choosing to stay married to him after you knew? Is there any resentment about that? Does she see you as a helpless victim? Or a survivor of abusive behavior? Even though your daughter is grown are you worried about how staying married to him still makes her feel about his betrayal? Divorce may have given some closure and perhaps some healing but it sounds like her "wounds" are still open.

 

 

My daughter supported the choice I made to stay with her Dad after asking me what I was going to do, and having been offered my reasons to do so. She hasn't a resentful bone in her body.

 

 

A victim?? No, she did not view me as having been a victim or a survivor of abuse. What saw was a Mother and a woman who remained dignified throughout the whole debacle. She saw tears, but not fear. She saw the behaviour of a woman unhinged and dangerous in her Father's other woman. That was something she found incomprehensible.

 

 

I am not the least concerned about 'staying' married to my husband. I don't 'stay' married to him, I AM married to him. This happened 16 years ago. Divorce was irrelevant and certainly wouldn't have provided any closure. Divorce is a solution to a marriage that has failed. Affairs are not about damaged marriages but the damaged thinking of the individual who instigates them. Even after divorce the remnants of adultery remain in the darkest recesses of one's life.

 

 

My daughter loves her Father. As I've said before. She just didn't like what he did and who he was during and immediately after his affair. All our children bear the scars of having been affected by it, but all of them, and their Father too, have worked hard together to reach a place of relative peace about it. That doesn't mean that they are not entitled to express what they think and feel at any time. I believe that children too have 'triggers' after such a life changing event.

[Shepp]

It would of totally and completely destroyed my relationship with parent if they ever had an affair.

 

I guess maybe I could get back to the point of civility but affairs, to me, represent the opposite of every value of character hold and aim to live by, I don't know how I could ever look them in the eye and not see that.

 

Even the thought makes me feel sick I couldn't forgive it!

 

Having an affair is gambling with your marriage and your relationships with your kids. If your prepared to take that gamble then you were obviously never particularly serious about either. I couldn't forgive that! I couldn't get over jeopardizing those things for sex!

[experiencethedevine]

It would of totally and completely destroyed my relationship with parent if they ever had an affair.

 

I guess maybe I could get back to the point of civility but affairs, to me, represent the opposite of every value of character hold and aim to live by, I don't know how I could ever look them in the eye and not see that.

 

Even the thought makes me feel sick I couldn't forgive it!

 

Having an affair is gambling with your marriage and your relationships with your kids. If your prepared to take that gamble then you were obviously never particularly serious about either. I couldn't forgive that! I couldn't get over jeopardizing those things for sex!

 

 

Your ethical stand is admirable, but it also begs the question, have you ever been affected by similar?

 

 

I always stated that if my husband ever had an affair it would be the end of our marriage.

 

 

I have experience the anguish, trauma and devastation of infidelity.

 

 

My husband and I have been together for 24 years. His affair ended 16 years ago.

[PinkInTheLimo]

My husband's family is a good, church going family (not that you have to go to church but you get what I'm trying to say) - a great example of two people who went to church together, were strict with their kids, very successful in both business and life, community driven - and yet their kids have hit the 50% divorce rate America "proudly".

 

It's not because it looks good that it is good.

 

That's why in some years I will contact the kids of my ex-MM and tell them about the affair we had AND the other affairs he had (which I found out because I felt that he was lying - and you don't lie to me because I'll dig for the truth until I find it). And I'll show them the proof I have...

 

ex-MM likes to play the role of the nice family man and father, helped by this wife who puts her head in the sand and still thinks that all these women are after her hubby (it's him who does the cheating, luring women into a relationship with lies).

 

I'm sure they held a great party for their 25 years anniversary and the kids will have thought what a great marriage their parents had. Well I'll burst that bubble .

ex-MM has no clue and thinks that I am totally out of the picture. I am but I am not done with him yet because if you tell so many lies to me I will get back to you. And in order to get back I can wait a loooong time.

[Shepp]

Your ethical stand is admirable, but it also begs the question, have you ever been affected by similar?

 

Have my parents ever had affairs? No.

I know how I feel on the subject though, makes my blood boil - haven't changed my view on my core values this far in life so I don't see myself doing so anytime soon!

And with that in mind - my parent knowing the chance of restoring a relationship with their son so microscopic and still choosing sex....I think that would make me feel even more so as strongly!

 

 

I always stated that if my husband ever had an affair it would be the end of our marriage.

 

I have experience the anguish, trauma and devastation of infidelity.

 

My husband and I have been together for 24 years. His affair ended 16 years ago.

 

I've probably done things for my girlfriend that people think are nuts, that I've been told on here are nuts.

I love her, im happy with my decisions.

 

But loyalty, is to me, above everything else the most important thing. I couldn't get past a breach of loyalty

[experiencethedevine]

It's not because it looks good that it is good.

 

That's why in some years I will contact the kids of my ex-MM and tell them about the affair we had AND the other affairs he had (which I found out because I felt that he was lying - and you don't lie to me because I'll dig for the truth until I find it). And I'll show them the proof I have...

 

ex-MM likes to play the role of the nice family man and father, helped by this wife who puts her head in the sand and still thinks that all these women are after her hubby (it's him who does the cheating, luring women into a relationship with lies).

 

I'm sure they held a great party for their 25 years anniversary and the kids will have thought what a great marriage their parents had. Well I'll burst that bubble .

ex-MM has no clue and thinks that I am totally out of the picture. I am but I am not done with him yet because if you tell so many lies to me I will get back to you. And in order to get back I can wait a loooong time.

 

 

This makes my hair stand on end.

 

 

You would willingly cause more harm and anguish to someone's children out of a need for vengeance?

 

 

Nice.......................................