Our children on infidelity...............

[lilmisscantbewrong]

You have no idea what goes on in someone else's house. Why is it that the common theme in your posts is that the blame for the fallout of the affair falls on everybody but the two affair partners who caused it?

 

This is why I posted the exact same thing to you. You have no idea. You cannot presume to know what happens in someone else's house. You are sort of getting a taste of your own medicine,

 

And btw, I never did anything to you nor was ever confrontational to you at all and yet you continue to attack me in some way in every thread - similar to attacking realist. You might want to pm me - we might have a better dialogue that way.

[yellowmaverick]

This is why I posted the exact same thing to you. You have no idea. You cannot presume to know what happens in someone else's house. You are sort of getting a taste of your own medicine,

 

And btw, I never did anything to you nor was ever confrontational to you at all and yet you continue to attack me in some way in every thread - similar to attacking realist. You might want to pm me - we might have a better dialogue that way.

 

I am entitled to my opinion regarding how horrible an affair is for the children. I can see how that is very difficult to face as a WS.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

You are always entitled to your opinion based on your experience but you are never entitled to assume what goes on in someone else's household and life. No matter what you may think, it is likely different than yours.

[Realist3]

You have no idea what goes on in someone else's house. Why is it that the common theme in your posts is that the blame for the fallout of the affair falls on everybody but the two affair partners who caused it?

 

 

You must not be reading my posts correctly. The blame is squarely on the person that makes the decision to go outside of the marriage. This particular thread was dealing with children.

[experiencethedevine]

Correct. You on the other hand have chosen to bring up yours. The question I asked I think was rather straight forward. What impact do you think your bringing it up has with them on a lasting basis? Is it a positive?

 

 

Straightforward or not, I choose not to answer it.

[experiencethedevine]

I had a situation a long time ago when I was married to my first wife. He dad caught his wife with some guy via a phone call. My FIL picked up the extension phone and heard the conversation. Well, $h!t hit the fan and MIL went and stayed with my wife's older sister and somewhere along the line she returned home. This was before my wife and I were married.

 

Now after we got married, MIL and FIL got divorced. He remarried a couple of years later and one night we were at their house and his new wife said something that changed the evening. Seems like he was cheating also and of course there's this big blow up and hard feelings and harsh words were exchanged.

 

Long and the short of it is after a few years, peace was made although it can't be the same but there was peace so someday your daughter and her dad may be able to bury the hatchet and have soem sort of relationship. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

 

Thankyou for your kindness. They do have a good relationship on the whole now. Her Father had to work very hard at renewing a relationship with her, but things have definitely changed forever, and what was done cannot be undone.

[Journee]

This thread actually inspired me to send my father a message this morning telling him just how much I love him.

 

I have shared a little about my father's serial cheating past. He had never been faithful to anyone. So, I will try to keep this short. His marriage to my mother is his fourth. All of his marriages were toxic and involved addiction, infidelity, property destruction and you name it. My father struggled with an addiction to alcohol since he was very young. His childhood was very hard and he stuffed all that he had gone through and drank it away. He was a high functioning alcoholic though. Worked hard and actually had many promotions in his company. He made a good living and built a nice home for his family.

 

My father had several OW throughout his almost 30 years with my mother. The one's that hurt the most were the OW that pretended to be friends of the family and to love me. He actually had an affair with my best friend's mother. It was horrifying when I found out. The thought that I had talked down my mother from her suspicions about my best friend's mother. My mother's intuition was correct. She did not trust her and had every reason not to. While I blindly trusted my father.

 

I still can't believe how composed my mother managed to be through the years. She and I had a brief period of strain because of all the gaslighting from my father. Here I was packing my bags to go spend the night with my good friend and it was killing my mother because it made her so uncomfortable...but what could she do? No proof yet. So, when she became short with me I now know it was because deep down she wanted me to not go. She didn't want me around a woman she didn't trust and wasn't sure what to feel about her own husband.

 

The truth came out eventually. That affair ended but my father's addiction and pain did not. He met another OW and under the guise of him helping her out of a tough spot, she became a family friend. I attended birthday parties for her youngest. My mother ended up calling me in the middle of the night when she realized that her husband was no longer in the house! He had snuck off to (we know now) do drugs and drink with this latest OW. Yes , my mother called me. By this time I was in my early twenties. She felt like she had no one else she could talk to but she could not bare this alone any longer. This created quite the scene with my father and I. ....I do regret the things I said. Nothing cruel, but now being a parent I see they were things that would break a heart.

 

My father checked into a rehab and detox facility and he has been clean and sober for six years now. He runs charitable organizations through the church he is now pastoring for. He was asked to step up into that role after the passing of the church's pastor. He is now taking classes to pastor full time.

 

My father had to completely self-destruct in order to get the help he needed. He has had to face the pain from his past and the insecurities he had. He has found new life in God and I have never seen he and my mother happier. They are inseparable. They travel and keep a local food pantry running for the community. My father never denies his past and uses himself as an example of someone that most would had given up on.

 

He and I healed our relationship almost immediately after the last DDAY. He is my father and I love him dearly. He rescued me and loved me when no one else would or could. Through a lengthy adoption process and several uncertain years where I could end up. I wasn't about to give up on him.

 

My father cheated. Over and over. I love him more everyday. Yes, it hurts to think back on. Not just for me but for both of my parent's. My mother was brokenhearted and my father loathed himself. He was patching his leaking soul up with any and everything he could get his hands on. I am so thankful that he has made so many positive changes in his life.

 

Lol so much for keeping it short.

 

All that to say that despite it all we are a very strong family unit. I am very proud of them both....scars and all. They are not only my parent's and my angels...they are my friends. I can talk to both of them about anything and I do.

 

Yeah, it sounds crazy and whacky but that is what happened and I love him unconditionally.

[cozycottagelg]

This thread actually inspired me to send my father a message this morning telling him just how much I love him.

 

I have shared a little about my father's serial cheating past. He had never been faithful to anyone. So, I will try to keep this short. His marriage to my mother is his fourth. All of his marriages were toxic and involved addiction, infidelity, property destruction and you name it. My father struggled with an addiction to alcohol since he was very young. His childhood was very hard and he stuffed all that he had gone through and drank it away. He was a high functioning alcoholic though. Worked hard and actually had many promotions in his company. He made a good living and built a nice home for his family.

 

My father had several OW throughout his almost 30 years with my mother. The one's that hurt the most were the OW that pretended to be friends of the family and to love me. He actually had an affair with my best friend's mother. It was horrifying when I found out. The thought that I had talked down my mother from her suspicions about my best friend's mother. My mother's intuition was correct. She did not trust her and had every reason not to. While I blindly trusted my father.

 

I still can't believe how composed my mother managed to be through the years. She and I had a brief period of strain because of all the gaslighting from my father. Here I was packing my bags to go spend the night with my good friend and it was killing my mother because it made her so uncomfortable...but what could she do? No proof yet. So, when she became short with me I now know it was because deep down she wanted me to not go. She didn't want me around a woman she didn't trust and wasn't sure what to feel about her own husband.

 

The truth came out eventually. That affair ended but my father's addiction and pain did not. He met another OW and under the guise of him helping her out of a tough spot, she became a family friend. I attended birthday parties for her youngest. My mother ended up calling me in the middle of the night when she realized that her husband was no longer in the house! He had snuck off to (we know now) do drugs and drink with this latest OW. Yes , my mother called me. By this time I was in my early twenties. She felt like she had no one else she could talk to but she could not bare this alone any longer. This created quite the scene with my father and I. ....I do regret the things I said. Nothing cruel, but now being a parent I see they were things that would break a heart.

 

My father checked into a rehab and detox facility and he has been clean and sober for six years now. He runs charitable organizations through the church he is now pastoring for. He was asked to step up into that role after the passing of the church's pastor. He is now taking classes to pastor full time.

 

My father had to completely self-destruct in order to get the help he needed. He has had to face the pain from his past and the insecurities he had. He has found new life in God and I have never seen he and my mother happier. They are inseparable. They travel and keep a local food pantry running for the community. My father never denies his past and uses himself as an example of someone that most would had given up on.

 

He and I healed our relationship almost immediately after the last DDAY. He is my father and I love him dearly. He rescued me and loved me when no one else would or could. Through a lengthy adoption process and several uncertain years where I could end up. I wasn't about to give up on him.

 

My father cheated. Over and over. I love him more everyday. Yes, it hurts to think back on. Not just for me but for both of my parent's. My mother was brokenhearted and my father loathed himself. He was patching his leaking soul up with any and everything he could get his hands on. I am so thankful that he has made so many positive changes in his life.

 

Lol so much for keeping it short.

 

All that to say that despite it all we are a very strong family unit. I am very proud of them both....scars and all. They are not only my parent's and my angels...they are my friends. I can talk to both of them about anything and I do.

 

Yeah, it sounds crazy and whacky but that is what happened and I love him unconditionally.

 

This is a very beautiful post.

[Ap22]

My daughter is 5 and I wonder how/if she will find out one day what her mother did to her family. My stepson is in high school and he knows full well what his mother did. He is a total mommas boy so I think the shame he sees in her now hurts the most.

 

Its funny, my sister and I come from divorced parents. As married adults, we do all we can for our spouse and never imagine betraying them. My wife and her brother have two parents happily married for years and they both cheated on their spouses.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

My daughter is 5 and I wonder how/if she will find out one day what her mother did to her family. My stepson is in high school and he knows full well what his mother did. He is a total mommas boy so I think the shame he sees in her now hurts the most.

 

Its funny, my sister and I come from divorced parents. As married adults, we do all we can for our spouse and never imagine betraying them. My wife and her brother have two parents happily married for years and they both cheated on their spouses.

 

It goes to show, it doesn't matter what type of upbringing you have. My husband's parents have been married over 65 years, no affairs or scandals that we are aware of - but his dad was overseas in the Navy for a few years, so who really knows? But, of the four siblings, two have been divorced - one remarried for over 20 years now but his marriage was hit by infidelity of his first wife and the other brother I am certain had infidelity in his - he has been married 3 times with lots of relationships in between. Then we have our own marriage, which is still surviving but my husband had an affair too - his parents do not know about it.

 

My husband's family is a good, church going family (not that you have to go to church but you get what I'm trying to say) - a great example of two people who went to church together, were strict with their kids, very successful in both business and life, community driven - and yet their kids have hit the 50% divorce rate America "proudly" displays.

 

I have relayed a bit about my family life - a very dysfunctional marriage with my parents - married 32 years before dad finally had it and left. Of the four of us, my sister is divorced (infidelity drove that and she is not with the man she left her ex for) and one of my brother's divorced (infidelity on his ex's side responsible for that). We are sporting that 50% divorce rate as well. We went to church (very strict) while young, very involved community-wise, hard working people - on the outside it looked fine, but underneath it wasn't good at all.

 

You never know and nothing is a guarantee.

[dreamingoftigers]

My father wasn't an "idol" that let me down.

 

To my childhood self he was a monster.

But I never thought he would hurt my mother that way. He didn't treat me like he loved me but he did treat her like that for quite some time.

 

He is a user and controller of people.

His affair was the last thing he could do to truly phukk-up our family.

 

It solidified just how "out for himself and screw everyone else" he truly was.

 

I know "relationships are complicated" but it was complicated with my mother. She always did and went along with whatever he wanted. Sober, drunk, going in six different directions, whatever. She did it.

 

How did he repay her? He got ass outside the marriage and acted like he was a "trapped victim" in it. I was so disgusted. I still am by how he acted.

 

But I am not disgusted with HIM anymore because frankly, after my husbsnd's infidelity, I went for EMDR as well and it took away a lot of the childhood trauma.

 

Fortunately for him he did go for Brain Imaging and some EMDR after. So he changed some things.

 

So who is my Dad to me now?

Well, he's a nice grandfather to my daughter.

But aside from that he's just another screwed up person that is an acquaintance as best. I don't "hate" him.

I'm not "angry" with him anymore (thanks EMDR). But he does irritate me sometimes and I have pretty form boundaries regarding dealing with him.

 

He's just "some guy" who "when he thought about it" tried to be my Dad bit mostly used me as a punching bag a long time ago and that's it.

 

He's a guy that cheats on my Mom.

His DNA is the reason I have to shave my legs more often.

He never tried to consistently, genuinely foster a relationship with me for 31 years, while fostering outside and inappropriate ones with female staff. He always found time for that.

What else would he be at this point?

[LostMother]

Children have a very hard time with this. They idolize their parents so to speak and it is hard when the become "human". I am not at all taking away the pain of all of thus, however it is a very good opportunity to have great dialogue with your kids. I know my daughters and I are closer than we ever have been. It has taken a long time, but we really have very open and honest communication. They know their parents are very human and even though we have both made some pretty bad mistakes, it is a lesson in unconditional love.

 

I wish it had happened differently, but we are all working through it and, believe me, there were some pretty awful and emotional arguments early on - but I know they see people very differently now and I can see their compassion for others now - much more so than I ever did before.

 

It is hard when your "idol" falls...

 

I don’t know your stories but are you and your husband still together.

 

My children also had a very hard time getting over my affair.My two oldest sons till this day won’t speak to me at all. Although in many ways it has helped my relationship with my daughter in some ways we are closer and in other we are more distant. I know she no longer see me in the same light or the prefect role model but like you we do communicate a lot better. She has asked questions about the affair and other things involving the affiar. I don’t like talking about my affairlet alone talk about to my daughter. I do it hopes she realizes the amount of pain can come from having an affair

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I don’t know your stories but are you and your husband still together.

 

My children also had a very hard time getting over my affair.My two oldest sons till this day won’t speak to me at all. Although in many ways it has helped my relationship with my daughter in some ways we are closer and in other we are more distant. I know she no longer see me in the same light or the prefect role model but like you we do communicate a lot better. She has asked questions about the affair and other things involving the affiar. I don’t like talking about my affairlet alone talk about to my daughter. I do it hopes she realizes the amount of pain can come from having an affair

 

Yes we are working through it and there are more good days than bad days.

 

I can speak from two vantage points. I was an adult when my dad finally left my mom. He should have left years before, but I was so right wing, conservative I didn't believe in divorce -no matter what. I was angry with my mother for a lot of years, then I was angry with my dad when he left and now it's all evened out. It took a very long time. Most kids want their parents to stay together, so it's a loss when the family isn't the "family" anymore. My parents used me (the oldest) as a sounding board - now when I think about it - neither one of them had any close friends to confide in and they didn't seek counseling except from bat-shyte crazy pastors in a cult - they had no one. This is the problem though - I would get upset and angry when they used me as their counselor. I wasn't equipped - even as a young adult woman.

 

Now it's okay - my mom still has never admitted she did anything wrong - very stubborn - but that's her own pain. I over look that now as long as she doesn't start railing on dad - I'm done with that.

 

From my affair, my kids of course were angry. Probably my youngest the most angry. Again, my husband had no close friends he felt he could go to - the one he went to was the ******* associate pastor who was only 28 and he should have been our help and friend (he was a long time family friend) but this turd turned on us (all of us) and sided with xmom - even left my husband in the dust. So he would confide in our second daughter and she wasn't equipped. Finally the counselor told him to stop it - it was killing her. My son never really wanted to talk about it. It is getting better - there are times it might come up now, but generally the conversation doesn't last very long. They have no respect for xmom because he never apologized to their dad and they have even less respect for his BS because she did some pretty mean things to get back at me and the kids got caught in the crossfire.

 

The only thing I can say is this - it takes time - sometimes years. Be patient and loving and the only thing you can do is apologize for disappointing them (because no matter what you think about why you made your choices it still is a disappointment to your kids when their parent "falls") and then live your life as an example that you have changed for the better.

 

Like I said before it did open up a very good dialogue between myself and my daughters about relationships - that part has been good. I worry about my son, however - I love him dearly and he is a good man and good father, but I worry about his very black and white view of things. Sometimes this is what takes us down the path (along with pride and ego) to learning lessons that we might not want to learn. I know it did for me.

 

Hang in there - I'm sure they will come around eventually. Just always be loving and kind in any interaction you have with them.

[experiencethedevine]

This thread actually inspired me to send my father a message this morning telling him just how much I love him.

 

I have shared a little about my father's serial cheating past. He had never been faithful to anyone. So, I will try to keep this short. His marriage to my mother is his fourth. All of his marriages were toxic and involved addiction, infidelity, property destruction and you name it. My father struggled with an addiction to alcohol since he was very young. His childhood was very hard and he stuffed all that he had gone through and drank it away. He was a high functioning alcoholic though. Worked hard and actually had many promotions in his company. He made a good living and built a nice home for his family.

 

My father had several OW throughout his almost 30 years with my mother. The one's that hurt the most were the OW that pretended to be friends of the family and to love me. He actually had an affair with my best friend's mother. It was horrifying when I found out. The thought that I had talked down my mother from her suspicions about my best friend's mother. My mother's intuition was correct. She did not trust her and had every reason not to. While I blindly trusted my father.

 

I still can't believe how composed my mother managed to be through the years. She and I had a brief period of strain because of all the gaslighting from my father. Here I was packing my bags to go spend the night with my good friend and it was killing my mother because it made her so uncomfortable...but what could she do? No proof yet. So, when she became short with me I now know it was because deep down she wanted me to not go. She didn't want me around a woman she didn't trust and wasn't sure what to feel about her own husband.

 

The truth came out eventually. That affair ended but my father's addiction and pain did not. He met another OW and under the guise of him helping her out of a tough spot, she became a family friend. I attended birthday parties for her youngest. My mother ended up calling me in the middle of the night when she realized that her husband was no longer in the house! He had snuck off to (we know now) do drugs and drink with this latest OW. Yes , my mother called me. By this time I was in my early twenties. She felt like she had no one else she could talk to but she could not bare this alone any longer. This created quite the scene with my father and I. ....I do regret the things I said. Nothing cruel, but now being a parent I see they were things that would break a heart.

 

My father checked into a rehab and detox facility and he has been clean and sober for six years now. He runs charitable organizations through the church he is now pastoring for. He was asked to step up into that role after the passing of the church's pastor. He is now taking classes to pastor full time.

 

My father had to completely self-destruct in order to get the help he needed. He has had to face the pain from his past and the insecurities he had. He has found new life in God and I have never seen he and my mother happier. They are inseparable. They travel and keep a local food pantry running for the community. My father never denies his past and uses himself as an example of someone that most would had given up on.

 

He and I healed our relationship almost immediately after the last DDAY. He is my father and I love him dearly. He rescued me and loved me when no one else would or could. Through a lengthy adoption process and several uncertain years where I could end up. I wasn't about to give up on him.

 

My father cheated. Over and over. I love him more everyday. Yes, it hurts to think back on. Not just for me but for both of my parent's. My mother was brokenhearted and my father loathed himself. He was patching his leaking soul up with any and everything he could get his hands on. I am so thankful that he has made so many positive changes in his life.

 

Lol so much for keeping it short.

 

All that to say that despite it all we are a very strong family unit. I am very proud of them both....scars and all. They are not only my parent's and my angels...they are my friends. I can talk to both of them about anything and I do.

 

Yeah, it sounds crazy and whacky but that is what happened and I love him unconditionally.

 

 

You have a good soul journee, and I am so glad you gave your Father such a loving gift today. Something he will keep close and treasure.

 

 

My daughter too loves her Father. She just doesn't like who he was at that time or what he did.

 

 

She has also been touched by infidelity herself, and this is a time of year that is quite sensitive for us all so the tendency to express sorrow could also have a part to play, but she is a good girl, with a big heart and a lot of love, and finally in a healthy relationship with someone who loves her beyond all else.

[unicorn farts]

I see a lot of discussion about the effects of infidelity on the children of the WS/BS, but thr children of the single OW/OM are also badly hurt. It's an ugly thing to see your parent manipulated along such a dark path by a charming future faker that's going to divorce and marry your parent ~any day now~. OW/OM are kidding themselves if they think their kids see MM/MW as an ordinary boyfriend or girlfriend.

 

It's very distressing to witness your parent suffer and be unable to step in. It's miserable having to hope your parent gets the happy ending you know they deserve even though you know it means another family will be destroyed. I am repulsed when I see OW/OM talk about how the MM/MW has met their kids.

 

People, leave your kids OUT of your affairs.

[ChooseTruth]

This thread actually inspired me to send my father a message this morning telling him just how much I love him.

...(snipped for brevity's sake. Click the tiny little blue link thingy above to see the full quote)...

Yeah, it sounds crazy and whacky but that is what happened and I love him unconditionally.

 

Beautiful story Journee. I might need counseling now that I've read it

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/439227-i-trigger-hard-stories-about-forgiveness

 

I hate what infidelity has done to our family, and how it affects my daughter. I wonder what she'll have to say when she finally understands what happened and has had some years to process.

[Confusion_Reigns]

Our kids were much younger when their dad had his last affair (that I know of…) probably about 7-9 or so. They were very-very hurt by the whole thing. Of course I didn’t talk to them about the affair but they knew…my kids are smart and pick up on a lot of unspoken things…just like EVERY KID is smart and picks up on things…I’ll tell you just how hurt my son was, he wanted to change his last name to my maiden name! Now if that’s not hurt I don’t know what is…my daughter asked me where her dad was? She said when she looked into his eyes it wasn’t her dad looking back…yes, very hurt. Both wondered if he’d continue to love them…I mean he loved me and said so often but left me anyway…so they were afraid….

 

It’s hard being the hurt one and a to maintain the level of maturity that is required to NOT mess up them lil minds, you know…but I had to do that for them…for my babies…not for their dad or the OW…but for them. I reassured them over and over and over again that everything was going to be ok, that their dad did love them, and that I loved them…that NOTHING would ever change any of that, never ever. I had to tell them that just because their dad wasn’t at our home anymore didn’t mean that he didn’t love them.

 

When my H wanted to reconcile one of his major hang ups was “what did I show our kids?” and that was horrible to hear/see….in him….but this is want I told him “You will show them that no matter how far from the good path one wanders it’s never too late to find their way back” and of course we worked together to accomplish this goal for them.

 

I am a firm believer that life is messy, no matter how much one wants it to be clean it’s not. Sometimes it’s downright ugly and it just doesn’t matter what you do because that ugly is coming no matter what….but there is beauty in everything… I’m also a non-believer in the formal institution of marriage…and I’m not a believer in the Bible and such…nor do I much believe in Heaven, Hell, or the typical moral values of Western society…and frankly ‘status’ is so far out of my thoughts as I have reality pressing on my door at all times….so, all that wasn’t an issue for any of us and our kids weren’t brought up that way so it wasn’t an issue for them either. The issue was in the actions and non-actions of both their dad, me and…yes…even the OW….how all this would impact the kids in the long run.

Now, it is a stain they live with…not a major tear in the fabric of their world…They learned a lot about love and forgiveness from this experience…are they better for it? How the heck should I know…lol…I know they have had a life experience that has shaped their world view and I know that all of us adults had a big hand in helping them find….meaningful…understanding in this situation that will benefit them in the future.

 

Now, my experience with my mother’s infidelity and my dad’s handling that infidelity has left me some major issues…and I know full and well these issues are mine to own and NOT pass off on my parents. What I can say is that my mom left my dad for another man and my dad never said a word about it….not one word good or bad….and my mother became nonexistent in my life. I certainly didn’t want to teach my children those lessons.

 

Now, I can tell you that my relationship with my mom is ok, we’re never going to be close like me and my daughter but, meh, it is what it is. I love my mom and I am happy for her. I love her husband and happy they found each other. He is the man she’s always needed in her life. My Dad never remarried, he had a couple really nice girlfriends who treated us great but he just never remarried. I believe he always loved my mom….but of course he never said one way or the other.

 

The original question? Yes, every experience impacts the children and it’s up to us, as adults, to help them find their own understandings of this and other experiences.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

This thread actually inspired me to send my father a message this morning telling him just how much I love him.

 

I have shared a little about my father's serial cheating past. He had never been faithful to anyone. So, I will try to keep this short. His marriage to my mother is his fourth. All of his marriages were toxic and involved addiction, infidelity, property destruction and you name it. My father struggled with an addiction to alcohol since he was very young. His childhood was very hard and he stuffed all that he had gone through and drank it away. He was a high functioning alcoholic though. Worked hard and actually had many promotions in his company. He made a good living and built a nice home for his family.

 

My father had several OW throughout his almost 30 years with my mother. The one's that hurt the most were the OW that pretended to be friends of the family and to love me. He actually had an affair with my best friend's mother. It was horrifying when I found out. The thought that I had talked down my mother from her suspicions about my best friend's mother. My mother's intuition was correct. She did not trust her and had every reason not to. While I blindly trusted my father.

 

I still can't believe how composed my mother managed to be through the years. She and I had a brief period of strain because of all the gaslighting from my father. Here I was packing my bags to go spend the night with my good friend and it was killing my mother because it made her so uncomfortable...but what could she do? No proof yet. So, when she became short with me I now know it was because deep down she wanted me to not go. She didn't want me around a woman she didn't trust and wasn't sure what to feel about her own husband.

 

The truth came out eventually. That affair ended but my father's addiction and pain did not. He met another OW and under the guise of him helping her out of a tough spot, she became a family friend. I attended birthday parties for her youngest. My mother ended up calling me in the middle of the night when she realized that her husband was no longer in the house! He had snuck off to (we know now) do drugs and drink with this latest OW. Yes , my mother called me. By this time I was in my early twenties. She felt like she had no one else she could talk to but she could not bare this alone any longer. This created quite the scene with my father and I. ....I do regret the things I said. Nothing cruel, but now being a parent I see they were things that would break a heart.

 

My father checked into a rehab and detox facility and he has been clean and sober for six years now. He runs charitable organizations through the church he is now pastoring for. He was asked to step up into that role after the passing of the church's pastor. He is now taking classes to pastor full time.

 

My father had to completely self-destruct in order to get the help he needed. He has had to face the pain from his past and the insecurities he had. He has found new life in God and I have never seen he and my mother happier. They are inseparable. They travel and keep a local food pantry running for the community. My father never denies his past and uses himself as an example of someone that most would had given up on.

 

He and I healed our relationship almost immediately after the last DDAY. He is my father and I love him dearly. He rescued me and loved me when no one else would or could. Through a lengthy adoption process and several uncertain years where I could end up. I wasn't about to give up on him.

 

My father cheated. Over and over. I love him more everyday. Yes, it hurts to think back on. Not just for me but for both of my parent's. My mother was brokenhearted and my father loathed himself. He was patching his leaking soul up with any and everything he could get his hands on. I am so thankful that he has made so many positive changes in his life.

 

Lol so much for keeping it short.

 

All that to say that despite it all we are a very strong family unit. I am very proud of them both....scars and all. They are not only my parent's and my angels...they are my friends. I can talk to both of them about anything and I do.

 

Yeah, it sounds crazy and whacky but that is what happened and I love him unconditionally.

 

I'm glad your father was able to change and heal.

 

I too, sadly, love my father unconditionally. But he cannot do the same. He loves himself more, then his wife, then his step children and their children.....and somewhere down the line he might give us crumbs. Pretty soul destroying to beg your father for love, only for him to tell you he doesn't want to. But I suppose it's all bound up in his guilt. I know he feels a lot of it, but it manifests itself in aggression and he lashes out at me.

 

Honestly, I'm trying to heal myself and put it behind me, but the recent birth of my daughter is what stirred up all these suppressed feelings and brought me here to LS. Still no real answers yet, but am learning a lot about him and myself in the process

[Journee]

You have a good soul journee, and I am so glad you gave your Father such a loving gift today. Something he will keep close and treasure.

 

 

My daughter too loves her Father. She just doesn't like who he was at that time or what he did.

 

 

She has also been touched by infidelity herself, and this is a time of year that is quite sensitive for us all so the tendency to express sorrow could also have a part to play, but she is a good girl, with a big heart and a lot of love, and finally in a healthy relationship with someone who loves her beyond all else.

 

 

 

I am so glad that your daughter is in a good solid relationship! One less stress in this life to maneuver through.

 

I am sorry that this is a difficult time of year for you all. Communicating through it all is really a great way to overcome sorrow.

 

I actually think that seeing my parent's process infidelity influenced my own reconciliation. I haven't figured out it that is a good thing or not yet.

[Journee]

Beautiful story Journee. I might need counseling now that I've read it

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/439227-i-trigger-hard-stories-about-forgiveness

 

I hate what infidelity has done to our family, and how it affects my daughter. I wonder what she'll have to say when she finally understands what happened and has had some years to process.

 

 

 

It was quite the ride, let me tell you. Somehow we all came out on the other side sane (debatable )and productive members of society lol

 

 

If your daughter is anything like me then she will gain an unbelievable understanding of the human condition. She will see her parent's as people and not only as the roles of mom and dad. She will respect any candidness you express to her. She will want to see you both happy and healthy in every way. She will love you and believe deep down that you hung the moon.

 

I wish you both the best. I really wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[Journee]

I'm glad your father was able to change and heal.

 

I too, sadly, love my father unconditionally. But he cannot do the same. He loves himself more, then his wife, then his step children and their children.....and somewhere down the line he might give us crumbs. Pretty soul destroying to beg your father for love, only for him to tell you he doesn't want to. But I suppose it's all bound up in his guilt. I know he feels a lot of it, but it manifests itself in aggression and he lashes out at me.

 

Honestly, I'm trying to heal myself and put it behind me, but the recent birth of my daughter is what stirred up all these suppressed feelings and brought me here to LS. Still no real answers yet, but am learning a lot about him and myself in the process

 

 

I am very sorry that you have had to feel this way. It is wonderful that you are searching for your own peace in dealing with it all. It is amazing what having your own child will do for you isn't it? It can make you question a lot of things in dealing with your own upbringing. A desire to not let history repeat itself.

 

If you do find the answers you are looking for please PM lol I need some answers myself.

[Spark1111]

Lots of affairs are not a quick one round the back of the bike shed, mostly they are about a relationship and not always to do with sex.

If you love someone you always are thinking about the future and just for your kids to say hello to the person you love is a normal transition in the relationship just as if you were best of friends. My mm also let me see his grandkid as he was so happy and proud, and wanted to share that with me because he loved me. Kids are more adaptable than you imagine. I introduced MM and told them that we loved each other and never ever let them think he was moving in even though I would eventually have liked that to happen. It is when there is a sudden shock and one parent leaves that causes the greatest pain. If they are introduced to someone who doesn't immediately move in, then I see no harm to them. It is reality, it is life. And sometimes life is just ... well:(:( you cannot protect them from that, it happens. Our job is to give them enough love to keep them strong enough to cope.

 

Sorry mama....I disagree strongly.

 

First and foremost, YOU ARE the most important role model in their world.

 

They do not care one whit about your romantic happiness.

 

what exactly are you modeling for them?

 

I wouldn't introduce a single "friend" until it was fairly serious, let alone a MM.

 

kids attach quickly. They mourn the loss to. Until you are fairly sure this person will be a constant in their life, why do this to them?

 

is he introducing you to his children?

[Spark1111]

I have to wonder whether the dwelling nature of some BS's in not as harmful as the act if infidelity itself upon the children. They keep reliving the same thing over and over again. It is like "Groundhog Day".

 

Are you suggesting she NOT talk with her daughter who still harbors anger and resentment towards the father who blew up their happy, safe world?

 

Do you realize how difficult it must have been for her daughter to even voice that?

 

Children, in an effort to protect the hurt parent, go out of their way NOT to bring up a painful subject.

 

talking of feelings is mentally healthy and healing, IMO.

 

Should she have rug-swept? Would you do that if your child came to you regarding a painful topic regarding your wife?

 

How would you handle that conversation?

[Spark1111]

I see a lot of discussion about the effects of infidelity on the children of the WS/BS, but thr children of the single OW/OM are also badly hurt. It's an ugly thing to see your parent manipulated along such a dark path by a charming future faker that's going to divorce and marry your parent ~any day now~. OW/OM are kidding themselves if they think their kids see MM/MW as an ordinary boyfriend or girlfriend.

 

It's very distressing to witness your parent suffer and be unable to step in. It's miserable having to hope your parent gets the happy ending you know they deserve even though you know it means another family will be destroyed. I am repulsed when I see OW/OM talk about how the MM/MW has met their kids.

 

People, leave your kids OUT of your affairs.

 

This too is an extremely painful situation for a child. I cannot imagine the lack of judgement that would allow anyone to have this happen to a child.

 

Like I said, children attach very quickly. They also feel acutely their parent's pain.

 

Yes, leave them out of your affairs and out of your divorce feelings TOO. Please!

[experiencethedevine]

Lots of affairs are not a quick one round the back of the bike shed, mostly they are about a relationship and not always to do with sex.

If you love someone you always are thinking about the future and just for your kids to say hello to the person you love is a normal transition in the relationship just as if you were best of friends. My mm also let me see his grandkid as he was so happy and proud, and wanted to share that with me because he loved me. Kids are more adaptable than you imagine. I introduced MM and told them that we loved each other and never ever let them think he was moving in even though I would eventually have liked that to happen. It is when there is a sudden shock and one parent leaves that causes the greatest pain. If they are introduced to someone who doesn't immediately move in, then I see no harm to them. It is reality, it is life. And sometimes life is just ... well:(:( you cannot protect them from that, it happens. Our job is to give them enough love to keep them strong enough to cope.

 

 

A 'quick one around the back of the bike shed' as you so eloquently describe, would not be an affair at all.

 

 

Children are adaptable yes, but NOT to having things thrust at them without any prior gentleness or warning.

 

 

I totally agree, one cannot protect children against all possible harm, but it is our outright DUTY to protect them against wilful disrespect and disregard.

 

 

Saying 'hello' to the person you love as an affair partner is simply disregarding their right as a human being to make a choice about who they interact with if they are old enough for such a thing.

 

 

Too often children become pawns in the mess of affairs and divorce.

 

 

I wonder if your married man's daughter/son was happy to let you take delight in their child.

 

 

Oh, just a moment...they didn't KNOW.