Our children on infidelity...............

December 7, 2013

Our eldest daughter and her partner have been staying in our home while buying their first house.

They had dinner with me this evening before leaving for their first night in their new home (Dad is away at work for his usual two week period, and our daughter likes to keep me company).

She and I are very close, have the sort of relationship where she feels able to discuss just about everything comfortably.

The subject of her Father came up, and long story short, she relayed to me how bitterly hurt she was when she discovered why her Father had been 'distant' during his affair (being unaware of it at the time). She told me that she had a terrible argument with him early on in our recovery, calling him awful names and raging at him for telling his other woman things about her that he had no right to divulge to her (there were many expletives at this juncture). That he was a disgrace to all of them (we have four children), and that they would never forget his treachery.

The tirade was shocking, and I was taken aback that after all this time she had, as she said, tried to shield me from any more hurt. That she has been able to finally verbalise these feelings is of great benefit to her, but I am so terribly sad that she has had to carry those around for such a long time. I know she loves her Dad, but my goodness, I was forced to acknowledge once again that ALL our lives have altered as a consequence of his choices, forever.

December 8, 2013

Children have a very hard time with this. They idolize their parents so to speak and it is hard when the become "human". I am not at all taking away the pain of all of thus, however it is a very good opportunity to have great dialogue with your kids. I know my daughters and I are closer than we ever have been. It has taken a long time, but we really have very open and honest communication. They know their parents are very human and even though we have both made some pretty bad mistakes, it is a lesson in unconditional love.

I wish it had happened differently, but we are all working through it and, believe me, there were some pretty awful and emotional arguments early on - but I know they see people very differently now and I can see their compassion for others now - much more so than I ever did before.

It is hard when your "idol" falls...

December 8, 2013

Children have a very hard time with this. They idolize their parents so to speak and it is hard when the become "human". I am not at all taking away the pain of all of thus, however it is a very good opportunity to have great dialogue with your kids. I know my daughters and I are closer than we ever have been. It has taken a long time, but we really have very open and honest communication. They know their parents are very human and even though we have both made some pretty bad mistakes, it is a lesson in unconditional love.

I wish it had happened differently, but we are all working through it and, believe me, there were some pretty awful and emotional arguments early on - but I know they see people very differently now and I can see their compassion for others now - much more so than I ever did before.

It is hard when your "idol" falls...

Having an affair is not just a little "blip" in life. Characterizing it as just a "we are all just human" thing is trivializing the depth of the level of deceipt and betrayal. My four children certainly don't see it this way. I don't know if they will ever have the same level of respect for tbeir father. They love him very much but their hurt and disappointment is very, very deep.

December 8, 2013

I am the child of a serial cheater. I thought it was “normal” to have a girlfriend and a wife.

I was not disappointed my “idol” was not perfect. What I am left with is the difficulty I have trusting not just my spouse but anyone. Was this from my father’s cheating? Who knows, but it is the only answer that makes sense. I just know trust is something I struggle with daily. I can honestly say I did not learn any lessons about unconditional love from my father just distrust.

December 8, 2013

Yeah. Dad rode off into the sunset with the OW and her 4 children. Pretty much said that we'd all be better off starting fresh with brand new families. Except mine was abusive. Dad told me directly that he deserves to be happy, so that trumps our needs (we were 9, 8 and 5 at the time).

I struggle with commitment. I have have episodes of depression around significant dates like birthdays and fathers day. I have abandonment issues. I have had inappropriate dealings with men. I have trust issues stemming from being unable to trust my parents to care for me. I have carried these into my relationships. H is very patient during my 'episodes'. He hates to see me hurting.

Zero respect for my father and he just keeps doing things (or not doing things) to drive our farce of a relationship into the ground even further. No contact on birthdays or holidays. Has not met my 5 month old daughter. Not a priority. Says he 'hates talking on the phone'.

Kinda sucks, but then my kids are freaking awesome, so his loss. So I keep telling myself.

December 8, 2013

Children have a very hard time with this. They idolize their parents so to speak and it is hard when the become "human". I am not at all taking away the pain of all of thus, however it is a very good opportunity to have great dialogue with your kids. I know my daughters and I are closer than we ever have been. It has taken a long time, but we really have very open and honest communication. They know their parents are very human and even though we have both made some pretty bad mistakes, it is a lesson in unconditional love.

I wish it had happened differently, but we are all working through it and, believe me, there were some pretty awful and emotional arguments early on - but I know they see people very differently now and I can see their compassion for others now - much more so than I ever did before.

It is hard when your "idol" falls...

I do believe that one can, become more honest in all their relationships afterwards. If they do the work.

I really don't think you meant "a very good opportunity" to have dialogue with your children. Quite frankly most would give anything to have never had the opportunity to discuss their infidelity with their children. I think you meant, we took this event and chose to grow something stronger. Which should be the end goal. Shore up the broken pieces and put in better coping skills.

Your post shows that there is more than just the WS/BS relationship that needs repair. Children are often marginalized. Sad that most, do not take the steps that you have.

December 8, 2013

Children have a very hard time with this. They idolize their parents so to speak and it is hard when the become "human". I am not at all taking away the pain of all of thus, however it is a very good opportunity to have great dialogue with your kids. I know my daughters and I are closer than we ever have been. It has taken a long time, but we really have very open and honest communication. They know their parents are very human and even though we have both made some pretty bad mistakes, it is a lesson in unconditional love.

I wish it had happened differently, but we are all working through it and, believe me, there were some pretty awful and emotional arguments early on - but I know they see people very differently now and I can see their compassion for others now - much more so than I ever did before.

It is hard when your "idol" falls...

Children have ultimate faith and belief in their parents. We are put on impossible pedestals with expectations that we know everything.

As they grow, if we are sensitive to their emotional needs, we can see their view of the world growing with them, and the knowledge that we as parents are not infallible. Realism wends its way gently into their lives.

The sudden awareness and realism of an affair comes crashing into the life of the child like a wrecking ball, and leaves them with their own scars to carry.

Of course all circumstances are different, and I am not so foolish as to believe that discovery for one is the same for all, nor that the aftermath of a dday and those effects are all the same either.

Idols, however, belong in the pop charts.

I certainly wouldn't call this simply a fall from grace.

Edited December 8, 2013 by experiencethedevine

December 8, 2013

Having an affair is not just a little "blip" in life. Characterizing it as just a "we are all just human" thing is trivializing the depth of the level of deceipt and betrayal. My four children certainly don't see it this way. I don't know if they will ever have the same level of respect for tbeir father. They love him very much but their hurt and disappointment is very, very deep.

I am not saying it is a "blip" - those are your words, not mine. Believe me I know. My dad left my mom after 10 years - it took a long time. Yes, she was unfaithful and dad tried to reconcile but there were many things that prevented it - even his own issues. And the fact that we were in a religious cult for most of our lives as young children - so I pretty much know what it's like to be disappointed in people, parents, leaders, etc. I get it - I really do.

I am relaying MY experience - that's it - I'm sorry yours is different. What I am saying is now - years later - things are evening out for my family. It takes time.

I am so sorry you are struggling with all of this - I truly am - I wish nothing but the best for you.

December 8, 2013

Children have ultimate faith and belief in their parents. We are put on impossible pedestals with expectations that we know everything.

As they grow, if we are sensitive to their emotional needs, we can see their view of the world growing with them, and the knowledge that we as parents are not infallible. Realism wends its way gently into their lives.

The sudden awareness and realism of an affair comes crashing into the life of the child like a wrecking ball, and leaves them with their own scars to carry.

Of course all circumstances are different, and I am not so foolish as to believe that discovery for one is the same for all, nor that the aftermath of a dday and those effects are all the same either.

Idols, however, belong in the pop charts.

I certainly wouldn't call this simply a fall from grace.

I agree with so much of what you are saying. However I have experienced the same thing - even as an adult. Whether it is putting faith in a pastor and then being disappointed when they fall and commit the same sort of mistake - it takes a toll on your faith for certain. It is extremely hard.

If you wouldn't call it a fall from grace, what is it? Is one "sin" greater than another? See this is where I struggle. I know I can look at some situations and say " I'd rather deal with this than that if given the choice" . I don't know - it's all in the way we handle things I guess.

December 8, 2013

Yeah. Dad rode off into the sunset with the OW and her 4 children. Pretty much said that we'd all be better off starting fresh with brand new families. Except mine was abusive. Dad told me directly that he deserves to be happy, so that trumps our needs (we were 9, 8 and 5 at the time).

I struggle with commitment. I have have episodes of depression around significant dates like birthdays and fathers day. I have abandonment issues. I have had inappropriate dealings with men. I have trust issues stemming from being unable to trust my parents to care for me. I have carried these into my relationships. H is very patient during my 'episodes'. He hates to see me hurting.

Zero respect for my father and he just keeps doing things (or not doing things) to drive our farce of a relationship into the ground even further. No contact on birthdays or holidays. Has not met my 5 month old daughter. Not a priority. Says he 'hates talking on the phone'.

Kinda sucks, but then my kids are freaking awesome, so his loss. So I keep telling myself.

This is sad - I am so sorry.

December 8, 2013

I agree with so much of what you are saying. However I have experienced the same thing - even as an adult. Whether it is putting faith in a pastor and then being disappointed when they fall and commit the same sort of mistake - it takes a toll on your faith for certain. It is extremely hard.

If you wouldn't call it a fall from grace, what is it? Is one "sin" greater than another? See this is where I struggle. I know I can look at some situations and say " I'd rather deal with this than that if given the choice" . I don't know - it's all in the way we handle things I guess.

Agreed, it is contentious to try to define the colour of 'sin'. What we are able to tolerate as individuals is arguably that we 'are' individuals, and therefore capable of distinguishing according to our persona.

The affected lives of our children as a result of an affair are without doubt in many cases an emotional catastrophe resulting in long term difficulties and a skewed sense of what is both normal and acceptable.

Difficult indeed.............

December 8, 2013

deleted...I meant to start a new thread soas not to threadjack.

December 8, 2013

But this can also happen by not letting children grow up and realise that parents make mistakes and are not perfect. One should let children face reality gradually. Keeping children from the truth is the biggest mistake you can make. Like if parents no longer love each other and hide their arguments from the kids (although i do not agree with the opposite of that). It is all a question of reality. Our job as parents is to prepare our kids for their future, and that future is unfortunately not perfect. My ex mm's kids were kept from the truth and thought daddy was Father Christmas and they had the perfect marriage. I can see a sad future for them when they realise he was lying, it is starting already:(.

And this will most likely happen. The edge my xmom has (if there is any ) is that his kids were young enough they had no clue what was happening while mine were most certainly old enough and lived through it. He and his wife changed churches and where they go now no one knows (this came from a good family friend not long ago - they have kept it very quiet). So in many ways they haven't suffered publicly like I have or my kids or my husband.

However, it will only take one person walking into that church for the truth to come out. And then I think about his kids - one day years from now, maybe his boys are running track or something and competing against other schools and some kid that knows what happened (maybe from his parents or whatever) is going to say something and they will relive it all over again.

Here is my greatest fear - maybe far fetched but possible - that my grand daughter will somehow come in contact with one of his sons down the road and a romance may start and end up being one of those "Romeo and Juliet" situations - we only live 20 minutes apart and their kids and my grand daughters will be in opposing schools in the same league.

It's all so weird.

December 8, 2013

And this will most likely happen. The edge my xmom has (if there is any ) is that his kids were young enough they had no clue what was happening while mine were most certainly old enough and lived through it. He and his wife changed churches and where they go now no one knows (this came from a good family friend not long ago - they have kept it very quiet). So in many ways they haven't suffered publicly like I have or my kids or my husband.

However, it will only take one person walking into that church for the truth to come out. And then I think about his kids - one day years from now, maybe his boys are running track or something and competing against other schools and some kid that knows what happened (maybe from his parents or whatever) is going to say something and they will relive it all over again.

Here is my greatest fear - maybe far fetched but possible - that my grand daughter will somehow come in contact with one of his sons down the road and a romance may start and end up being one of those "Romeo and Juliet" situations - we only live 20 minutes apart and their kids and my grand daughters will be in opposing schools in the same league.

It's all so weird.

Crikey, I can only imagine how difficult and complicated this is for you, living with such repercussions. It really is such an awful mess at the base of it all isn't it?

December 8, 2013

But this can also happen by not letting children grow up and realise that parents make mistakes and are not perfect. One should let children face reality gradually. Keeping children from the truth is the biggest mistake you can make. Like if parents no longer love each other and hide their arguments from the kids (although i do not agree with the opposite of that). It is all a question of reality. Our job as parents is to prepare our kids for their future, and that future is unfortunately not perfect. My ex mm's kids were kept from the truth and thought daddy was Father Christmas and they had the perfect marriage. I can see a sad future for them when they realise he was lying, it is starting already:(.

Parenting is a balancing act indeed, yes, and we are not fortunate enough to be automatons who come with a manual, which is what makes that balancing act so difficult.

That having been said, I do believe that while affairs cause untold wreckage in all areas, our children are sometimes unwittingly and unintentionally subjected to aspects of it, and the fallout from it, that stain their lives in ways that are irreparable.

December 8, 2013

OP, I wonder if you think this topic would have come up with your daughter had you not started a discussion two weeks ago on the very same topic posting on an infidelity forum?

You have said that your encounter with infidelity is long over... maybe some 5 years ago. Aside from this particular topic you seem to have a very hearty interest in the subject. You talk about it every day here, and now it comes up in your life with your kids. Is that a good thing for you?

December 8, 2013

I am not saying it is a "blip" - those are your words, not mine. Believe me I know. My dad left my mom after 10 years - it took a long time. Yes, she was unfaithful and dad tried to reconcile but there were many things that prevented it - even his own issues. And the fact that we were in a religious cult for most of our lives as young children - so I pretty much know what it's like to be disappointed in people, parents, leaders, etc. I get it - I really do.

I am relaying MY experience - that's it - I'm sorry yours is different. What I am saying is now - years later - things are evening out for my family. It takes time.

I am so sorry you are struggling with all of this - I truly am - I wish nothing but the best for you.

The only part that I am still struggling with is the pain that he and his stalker AP caused my children. You are in serious denial if you think that your children see you the same as before your affair. There are some things that a parent does that cause a permanent wound. Having an affair is one of them. I feel for your children.

December 8, 2013

I have to wonder whether the dwelling nature of some BS's in not as harmful as the act if infidelity itself upon the children. They keep reliving the same thing over and over again. It is like "Groundhog Day".

December 8, 2013

OP, I wonder if you think this topic would have come up with your daughter had you not started a discussion two weeks ago on the very same topic posting on an infidelity forum?

You have said that your encounter with infidelity is long over... maybe some 5 years ago. Aside from this particular topic you seem to have a very hearty interest in the subject. You talk about it every day here, and now it comes up in your life with your kids. Is that a good thing for you?

It is predominant at the moment as I have recently opened another refuge for abused women, and my 'hearty interest' reflects my enquiring persona as well as my professional interest.

My deep desire for understanding all the nuances of human behaviour has long been established in my career and position. This site is far from my only interest.

My husband's affair ended 16 years ago. My contact with infidelity indirectly however, has been established for a considerable time longer than that.

I would indicate the recent events as a catalyst for my recent conversation with our daughter. She has suffered herself.

December 8, 2013

I have to wonder whether the dwelling nature of some BS's in not as harmful as the act if infidelity itself upon the children. They keep reliving the same thing over and over again. It is like "Groundhog Day".

Not when the infidelity leaves a permanent scar. No.

For the most part, my mother has moved on. She has remarried. But I only get one father.

December 8, 2013

The only part that I am still struggling with is the pain that he and his stalker AP caused my children. You are in serious denial if you think that your children see you the same as before your affair. There are some things that a parent does that cause a permanent wound. Having an affair is one of them. I feel for your children.

Do you live in my house? Do you live in my community? Do you know my children? No you don't - so unless you do please do not assume anything about my life and my family. I don't assume anything about yours.

My eyes are wide open, as are my husband's, as are my children.

I understand you have a major issue with your situation but I respectfully ask you to not project it onto mine because you have no idea.

My kids do not need your sympathy.

Edited December 8, 2013 by lilmisscantbewrong

December 8, 2013

I have to wonder whether the dwelling nature of some BS's in not as harmful as the act if infidelity itself upon the children. They keep reliving the same thing over and over again. It is like "Groundhog Day".

Correct me if I am mistaken, but are you not currently in the midst of an affair yourself?

I believe you have also briefly stated that you have no intention of getting involved in any discussion regarding your own children?

Edited December 8, 2013 by experiencethedevine
addition

December 9, 2013

Correct me if I am mistaken, but are you not currently in the midst of an affair yourself?

I believe you have also briefly stated that you have no intention of getting involved in any discussion regarding your own children?

Correct. You on the other hand have chosen to bring up yours. The question I asked I think was rather straight forward. What impact do you think your bringing it up has with them on a lasting basis? Is it a positive?

December 9, 2013

I have to wonder whether the dwelling nature of some BS's in not as harmful as the act if infidelity itself upon the children. They keep reliving the same thing over and over again. It is like "Groundhog Day".

You have no idea what goes on in someone else's house. Why is it that the common theme in your posts is that the blame for the fallout of the affair falls on everybody but the two affair partners who caused it?

December 9, 2013

I had a situation a long time ago when I was married to my first wife. He dad caught his wife with some guy via a phone call. My FIL picked up the extension phone and heard the conversation. Well, $h!t hit the fan and MIL went and stayed with my wife's older sister and somewhere along the line she returned home. This was before my wife and I were married.

Now after we got married, MIL and FIL got divorced. He remarried a couple of years later and one night we were at their house and his new wife said something that changed the evening. Seems like he was cheating also and of course there's this big blow up and hard feelings and harsh words were exchanged.

Long and the short of it is after a few years, peace was made although it can't be the same but there was peace so someday your daughter and her dad may be able to bury the hatchet and have soem sort of relationship. I'll keep my fingers crossed.

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