Other Woman's Mourning Wish.

[mourningMM]

I haven't slept with him since last summer, we broke it off because it was time for him to go back and really try to work things out with his wife.

 

We had gotten to a place of friendship, and could comfortably talk to eachother without feeling too much of a pull. I was feeling really happy and proud of him for making such a wonderful effort and not contacting me. I wanted to let him know that, and wish him a happy new year. But the email bounced back, and when I called, he was no longer at that number at his office.

 

I hesitated to look up his cell number...I really didn't want that level of contact again. I didn't want to open that door again.

 

I haven't seen him where we usually bump into eachother for weeks, and so when today was so beautiful out...when he would normally be out on his motorcycle and there, I made a comment to someone working there that he wasn't around.

 

He died in October. I didn't know.

 

He was a good man, caught in a very bad spot in his life. It was stressful at work, and the woman he married changed after the wedding...he didn't feel like he could satisfy her or himself with her. But he loved her and was committed to staying in the marriage.

 

I was at the lowest point of my life. My ex-husband had just left, after giving me the 'you let yourself go and we have nothing in common line'. This is not a good excuse, but an explanation of why I was open to being with a married man. I never wanted to come between him and his wife...I even prayed for him that they would find a way back to eachother.

 

I was so happy to think of him being happy...and now I find that it isn't his happiness keeping him from contacting me, it is his death.

 

Unexpected...during an athletic game.

 

How do I process this? How do I mourn? I don't even know how to find out the details of what happened. I have not contact with is family, and want none. I never want anyone to know of our relationship.

 

But not knowing makes the entire situation so surreal. I feel in limbo. We had stopped, but I still have a deep gratitude and love for him.

 

Somehow lighting a candle at church seems blasphemous...but I pray that he found peace and love and all of the happiness and satisfaction that eluded him in life.

 

I just needed to vent in a safe place; I hope this is one. I need to say that there was this wonderful man who helped heal so many wounds that my ex made, and in healing me, it helped him deal with parts of himself.

 

I hope I was in some way good for him.

 

I never wanted to be an OW. But I am one that faced the truth of what we did, and decided to end the affair...I hope that learning and practicing the conversations with me that he was afraid to have with his wife gave him the strenght and confidence to reconnect with her before he died. I pray that was the case.

[KissMyTiara]

I am so sorry for your loss. This has been one of my greatest fears - that something would happen to him and I would never know. Car accident? Who would call me? I wouldn't even know about the funeral...on and on.

 

I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing right now. I pray felt you had received closure in all of this before you found out about his death.

 

Not every meaningful relationship was meant to last forever. Not every meaningful life lasts forever. It sounds to me like you were good for each other while you were together, and that you had a positive impact on him as a person. In your absence, he probably found his way, thanks to you - regardless of how little time he had left. Hopefully knowing that will provide you with your own peace.

 

As for finding things out about his death, perhaps call his boss or a colleague, say you were an old friend who just heard and wondered if they had any details, information?

[Barby]

I too am very very sorry for your loss, you were a wonderful person for stepping back and allowing him to do what he felt needed to be done (maybe that was God's way of protecting you from what was to come)??!

 

I'm not sure what to tell you about how to process this or how to mourn, everyone is different in that respect but maybe you could attempt to find his grave, go back through new's paper clippings in the library from that month and see if you can find it or ask someone who knows him...go visit it, make peace with it in your heart and mind? (Just a thought)

[scarletibis]

Gosh, saying how sorry I am for your loss doesn't even seem to cut it. I can only imagine the pain you must be feeling right now. Like Barby said I think you should be commended for stepping back from someone you love and letting them try and heal his home situation, and find that happiness again with his wife. You are a very strong person, and I wish I had your level of strength to do such a thing myself.

 

Also, as KMT stated, this is one of my biggest fears with my own MM. Sometimes I get scared that something will happen to him and I'll never know (I mean, who would even contact me) and I'd never feel closure. Just thinking about the possibility is enough to upset me, and to know you're experiencing some of those surreal feelings yourself right now makes me want to say a prayer for you and your loss.

 

I hope you can use that strength that we all see you have to get you through this ordeal.

 

God Bless

[quankanne]

Somehow lighting a candle at church seems blasphemous ...

 

is this catholic guilt talking? regardless of what went on before, i don't think anyone could be so heartless to say it's wrong of you to say a little prayer for him or light a candle for him because it sounds like you guys were truly friends, and that's how friends react. Mourning is hard enough when you feel you can do it openly; I feel for you knowing that you are unsure of even where to begin or share, that based on the other factors in your relationship with him ...

 

is there anyone who you trust that you can talk to about your sadness of your friend's death? someone who knows you but isn't going to judge you? or, if you're Catholic, a priest who you trust that you can bounce this off of? (they're not all jerks, some of them actually have a person's soul and well-being in mind, and try to help reconcile rather than judge ...) I think that by actually talking to someone and expressing your feelings of mourning and/or grief, you can begin the process of healing that hurt of losing someone who sounds like he'd been a dear friend to you.

 

hugs,

quank

[mourningMM]

Thank you.

 

Your kind words and suggestions are the help I was hoping to receive. Writing here is therapudic and I can't sleep. This may be babble, but it is what I have cycling through my head, and I hope putting it here will give you all food for though.

 

Please don't think that I was being completely altruistic in ending the relationship...When we started our affair, I was not emotionally ready to receive more than he had to give. I needed the validation, the admiration, the passion to help heal myself. In part I was using him to move away from my ex.

 

There came a point where I wanted more from a man. I wanted to be more involved in someone's life, and not feel the guilt. Regardless of my love for this MM, I had reached a point where what I needed he was unable to provide.

 

The true reason we stopped is that because he was no longer able to give me everything I needed, and neither of us could face being in another incomplete relationship.

 

I think that for an affair to end in a healthy way, it has to end because the people realize they have grown beyond where the affair had positive value. And there has to be respect and love for the other person.

 

For those on the forum thinking they want to end one, believe that it is not being selfish to leave and cause pain...but it is allowing their MM/MW to also experience growth too. If you leave with love and compassion, it can create an opportunity for everyone to heal.

 

But for those MM and MW who have no desire to grow and heal, it will just be the opportunity to have the same need fulfilled by another person than yourself.

 

Facing the need that causes the affair takes real honesty.

 

An affair need not be physical (although ours was...an incredible lesson on what being with a loving, giving, truly inspired, sensual human; made my ex seem a schoolboy by comparision), only brutal self honesty and honesty between the two of you will end it.

 

If the OM/OW buys into the illusion of what the MM/MW sees in their own marriage, it reinforces the MM/MW's version of reality. The truth is not that. The truth in a marriage lies somewhere between a husband's and wife's perception. The way to heal a marriage is to communicate about the differences in reality without laying blame.

 

If my ex had communicated his problems, given the depth of my love for him, I would have twisted myself into a pretzel to make it work. Because he never would talk to me, we never had the chance to heal our own marriage.

He swore that the woman he sailed with was just a friend. But I believe them to have had the most damaging kind of affair. One where she supported him as a friend...and supported his need to be happy and put his happiness above mine and the children's. They didn't begin to date in the open until we were separated. He can delude himself into believing that they were "good" because it allows himself to avoid facing the negative impact his relationship had on our marriage. No people who knew us together believe his (and his OWs) fantasy of their "upright behaviour". Of course, because they feel this, they are soon to be engaged.

 

Our children have to face the ultimate pain of watching their father marry the woman who hurt their mother and destroyed their family. Think Reba on steroids.

 

Their affair killed a marriage, and in a way killed the woman that I was; the mother that I was.

 

My affair helped me rise from the dead, and begin to become the woman I am now. I am never going to be able to be as committed to being the best mother, because the father of my children will not now be there to support me in growing in that direction. I will be a stronger woman, and a very different mother. Hopefully she will be good for my children...but not the mother that they would have had if my marriage had remained intact.

 

My children have lost, I could never have done that to my MM's children and his wife.

 

In the end, it is about being able to strip away delusion and stand in front of a mirror, and respect myself and my decisions.

 

My ex will never be able to do that.

 

I hope that my MM was able to do that and more.

 

My current relationship is not complete...it does not fulfill all of my needs or desires, but he is not currently married. My current relationship is not balanced as it should be, but that is due to his not having completely released the pain of his own divorce, and other relationships. He is not ready to have a woman participate in his life completely.

 

I wonder if the reason I love my new man is that I am also not ready yet to be in a relationship that can go to the next level. He is happy with this limited affair that we have, I am afraid to leave it with nothing to fill the void if he is gone.

 

He filled the void left after my MM and I split.

 

Are all relationships built on finding someone to fill a void?

 

Someday, somewhere I pray to meet a man who wants to live and love and learn and grow conciously and actively with me. I want that man to have my MM's passion and sensuality, my current boyfriend's honesty and communication skills, but my greatest desire tonight is that my future man have the abilty to meet my need to evolve and expand intellectually, spiritually, and emotionally along with me.

 

But tonight I feel very alone. And I fear that that man does not exist. And that I am too afraid to let go of a current boyfriend, and an ex, and my sweet MM's memory to find him.

 

If anyone out there knows how to meet a soulmate who is free to start a future, tell me. Because none of the futures that I have ever imagined included my reality today.

 

I mourn my MM. But mixed into that sadness is mourning my own marriage's end. My own love for my ex. My current relationship's deficiencies. Why is there no one in the bed next to me tonight when I am most alone?

[jellybean]

mourningMM...this is the first time I've ever broken down crying while reading a post on LS. I'm overwhelmed by the sadness of it all.

 

My heart goes out to you.

 

*big hug*

[izzybelle]

mourningMM,

 

your post made me cry as well, not just because of losing your MM but because of your comments about your marriage and being a mom.

 

when my MM and i ended things, i did ask him how i would ever know if something happened to him. and it is one of my greatest fears. i do know that because of his connection to where i work, i would hear. i'm not sure if he would if something happened to me. my heart goes out to you and i can't even begin to imagine your pain. if lighting a candle in church will make you feel better, then do it. i do not believe that anyone's god would be "offended" for you honoring the life, and praying for someone you loved.

 

as for what you said about being a mom....

I am never going to be able to be as committed to being the best mother, because the father of my children will not now be there to support me in growing in that direction. I will be a stronger woman, and a very different mother. Hopefully she will be good for my children...but not the mother that they would have had if my marriage had remained intact.

please rethink this (and i don't mean for this to sound harsh and i apologize if it does). you now have the opportunity to become a BETTER mother than you could have been with him. this is the chance for you to grow and for your children to see you as the loving, wonderful woman you have become in spite of everything. they can see you as a strong person, with faults, and learn to love people in the same way that you show love to them and others. i found, after my marriage ended, that i became a better mom than i ever could have dreamed of. they see me now, not only as their mom, but as a real person with feelings and needs and i do believe they are better for that. they know how strong i can be, but they've also seen me dissolve into tears when things have gotten tough. and above all, i know they respect me and my desire to make their lives as happy as i can. they know i'm not perfect and they know i struggle at times, but they are there with me, every step of the way. you don't need him to support you in growing as a mom, your kids will help show you the way if you follow your heart.

 

please take care of youself. and again, i'm so sorry!

 

izzy

[MourningMM]

Good thoughts, good food for thought.

 

Maybe I need to add to my wish list that the man who enters my life is willing to support me in growing to be the best mother I can be.

 

A part of me cannot imagine any many willingly giving that much to the children of another man. But that is probably because the father of my children was not willing to give that much to his own children.

 

My MM was, and even my current BF is an outstanding parent, involved and highly committed to their own children's. The funny thing is that as a result of the divorce, my ex has become a better father because I'm not there to cover for him, or fill in the gaps.

 

Some of what the kids lost from their mother they have gained from their father; but not enough to balance the equation, make it fair, or make it right. Even if his OW becomes their stepmother, and tries to be their friend, there will be moments throughout their life when they wish for their real family to be together again. And each of those moments in the past and in the future is a bleeding wound in my heart.

 

Maybe this will all make me a better mother when I come through it, but there are years of pain and hurt and self-absorption, and anger that should have been focused on helping children through their stages of life. My ex robbed my children of attention as only a self-centered, selfish, immature man could...

 

My MM was not willing to do that to his children, or new step-children. He knew the pain and damage that could be caused by a divorce, he was the son of a divorce and had one of his own.

 

He taught me something about a world I had no knowledge of, part of the healing he gave me. I come from a family extended as far as I know on both my father's and mother's side that has never had a divorce.

I would have stayed with my ex through anything, but he left. He is with the OW, and there is divorce all over his <a href="family%20tree" onmouseover="window.statu'family tree'; return true;" onmouseout="window.statu''; return true;">family tree</a>.

 

My MM suffered because his ex had left him, and he knew what he had to do to make it work with his new wife. I was just a woman in need that could make him feel like he was able to satisfy someone; and I hope I gave him the confidence to be home with his new wife.

 

Divorce is ugly because it drills holes through connections that must exist. Coparenting lives on for years after a marriage ends. My MM showed me many aspects of a world that is foreign to me. He gave me much, and I only hope that he got as much back.

 

I'm better now than I was yesterday and last night. I've found a death notice, but no details on why. I may call Human Resources at his office and pretend to be a business associate who just found out. I will light a candle today after mass. I know where the grave is, and will go there someday, not on a holiday, and pay my respects in silence.

 

No flowers, no plant, no gift left as a reminder. Nothing that might disturb the mourning of his life in the open. I was his secret and will remain so. I have friends who know, and are being supportive.

 

I can't cry, but I know I'm depressed because I don't want to eat or sleep. Maybe it is shock, maybe I'll cry someday.

 

But all of you and your kind words and the ability to air my feelings have helped. I am not a member here, but lurk occasionally. What you have here has the ability to be very helpful.

 

My children have been on vacation with their father and his OW this week and are coming home to me today. They will distract me from this, which is good.

 

Thank you.

[whichwayisup]

I'm with Jellybean on this one...My heart got pulled abit as I read he had died in October and I'm really sorry for your loss.

 

Remember him, hold the memories close to your heart and know at one time you meant so much to eachother.

 

Do not allow yourself to look back with any "I should have done this or that..." The guilt will eat you up and make you feel sadder and worse inside.

 

Were you friends with anyone he knew?

 

Also, as KMT stated, this is one of my biggest fears with my own MM. Sometimes I get scared that something will happen to him and I'll never know (I mean, who would even contact me) and I'd never feel closure

 

Somehow I think you would know...Calling around, hospitals, police, newspapers, something or someone would know and hopefully you would have some closure.

[whichwayisup]

I'm better now than I was yesterday and last night. I've found a death notice, but no details on why. I may call Human Resources at his office and pretend to be a business associate who just found out. I will light a candle today after mass. I know where the grave is, and will go there someday, not on a holiday, and pay my respects in silence.

 

You can just say you are an old friend or an ex-girlfriend from his past and heard he had died. You have a right to mourn this loss. Don't deny yourself that.

 

Hugs to you.

[HokeyReligions]

try http://www.beyondindigo.com the information and support there helped me when I lost loved ones. It's a site about grief and mourning and how to cope. It helped me.

 

I know what its like to lose someone, but I've never been an OW or in that situation and I can't imagine how difficult it is for you.

[scarletibis]

You know, your posts have also brought a tear to my own eyes. They are also some of the most thought provoking I have read since being on LS. It's like your operating on a higher level that I can't even hope to get to during this crazy point in my life.

 

I still feel awful for your loss and pain, but I'm really glad you chose to post here. I'll be thinking over your words for a long time to come I'm sure.

[KissMyTiara]

I literally cried when I read your first post, but I cried even more with your most recent posts. As Scarlet said, your posts are some of the most thought provoking I have read since perusing and joining LS. You truly are operating on a much higher level than most of us - a level I pray I get to soon.

 

We're here for you.

[mourningMM]

I am no different then you, just farther down one of the paths that an OW can take.

 

No single path is the right way, each one develops to teach it's walker a lesson that they need to learn.

 

I haven't learned all of mine, because if I had, I would be in a place where I could get beyond the anger at my ex and his OW, beyond my frustration at my current BF's limitations, and beyond the sadness for all of the futures that I have imagined and desired but that will never be.

 

I'm just like you, wanting what I don't have. Not appreciating enough what is in my life.

 

I need to focus on myself and my children and making a future in which my relationship with a man is a part of my life, not the center of it.

 

But your words of encouragement and appreciation are making me blush.

 

I've joined LS, and will probably post more often. After all these compliments how could I not! (LOL)

 

I've read many of your stories, and each and every one of you is to be admired for putting words to the events in your lives. Sharing the lessons gives us all an oppurtunity to try on someone else's misery, and offer support.

 

Yes, I'm Catholic (lapsed) and have started to come back to my faith...but I'm making it a more personal credo:

 

I believe in God, and that he teaches us through testing us and putting people in our lives from which to learn. We all have the opportunity to take lessons from what happens to us...I think I just have taken longer than others to accept that.

 

Thank you for letting me learn a bit from you, and share what I have learned myself.

[SummerRae]

mourningMM and everyone else who posted here:

 

I am so incredibly thankful for finding this forum! What you said mourningMM about MM and affairs and families and divorce is all-so-wise and incredibly humbling. Everything you wrote validated my decision to end things once and for all with MM.

 

At 25, I sometimes feel like I will never love again after my devastating relationship with MM but what you said made me believe in Love again, that it can come to us at different times in our lives, and each person can bring a new gift into your life. No Love will be identical, each person brings out so many different parts of ourselves, just look at how we are capable of forming so many different friendships on differing levels.

 

I am reminded of this book a friend gave me when I first found out my Love was married and truly wanted to try to end it, it's called Coming Apart. It may not be particularly suited for your relationship with your exMM but it may help you get over some of the anger you are feeling about your ex. There is also a whole section devoted to affairs and how they often signal the end of a relationship. I really do believe that people come into our lives for different reasons and leave when we have learnt what we needed to learn.

 

Sometimes it's hard to be alone, I am reminded of this quote from another book, "Loneliness is the human condition." We often feel alone, at least i know I do. Just tonight I was feeling a little bitter about being lonely. But at the same time I think I need this time to grow up by myself and learn to enjoy being on my own and not fear it so much.

 

I have been praying quite a bit, which also helps to humble me. If you like to read, which it seems like you do, Marianne Williamson is absolutely WONDERFUL! I'm reading this book by her right now called Enchanted Love: The Mystical Power of Intimate Relationships which is so thought-provoking and positive and above all, INSPIRING. She reminds us that love is within us and around us and all we have to do is remember that.

 

"True romance answers our need for adventure, for meaning, for magic, and for deep and soulful connection with another. It answers our spiritual as well as our emotional cravings. It is to grown-ups what the entire inventory of a toy store is to children...."

 

"Yet romantic love is also like a train that cannot be ridden without a ticket. Some people have a ticket and some people do not. Many, many people say they want it desperately yet actually do everything in their power to avoid it."

 

"This book is not about rules for intimacy. It is not about how to have a long-term relationship. It is not a formula. It is merely a woman's musings on what I have seen beyond the veil of love. It is about what I have come to recognize as the enchantment of a deep romantic encounter, which has less to do with quantity and more to do with quality, less to do with the outer world and more to do with inner domains."

 

"To have loved is to have traveled to a very distant and mystical land."

 

"Most of the time we fall in love but can't remain there. The world then calls the state we were in a delusion or infatuation. But we were not deluded. We were not just infatuated. We merely lacked, or someone else lacked, the emotional skills to hold on to the magic when the morning came. Later we would tell ourselves that that magic had not been real, but that analysis is just a collective lie. We invented the lie as a way to face the disappointment of having been to the moon an a starlit night, and then fallen back down to waht can seem like such a barren earth..."

 

(All of the above quotes are from Marianne's book...... these are just a few of her wise, wise words. Hope at least one of you enjoys them)

 

God Bless!