Is this typical? I'm a jerk, right?

[moving2fast]

I started working in the industry because the guy I used to stay with got me into that really. He was all about money after a while, and I knew from the start he didn't care about me. I guess I should thank him for getting me some work. If I wasn't raised a certain way, I don't think the MM and I would have bonded this way, I do agree with that.

 

 

I get really down and tend to get reckless and here and there trouble starts. I know I should take better care, but I just don't. I'm more responsible than I have been, I care enough most days to want to wake up in the morning.

 

 

Maybe I see a part of me in him or something. I dunno. I would be just fine not being in his life, I just hope he gets to be happy after all he's experienced since I won't be. And maybe he always would have been if we never met that night.

 

 

I used to dream, well when I was in school I was more a dreamer. I was a pretty good girl, such the perfectionist, but college never seemed like something I'd be allowed to do anyway(my daddy wouldn't be happy with me costing him more money and meeting people, step mom wouldn't want me out of the house either). I think about taking courses here and there, but I don't see myself being anything but the dirty words I've been called. I honestly don't think I could really do anything else and I'm getting old really though I don't look my age, I know I am not going to stay looking this way with all the stuff I do. I would try stripping, but I don't have that type of confidence nor what I would consider the typical stripper body.

 

 

Voice in my head says get and education to better myself, but I can't see myself doing anything. Some days I do get really tired, but I don't know what else to do. Yeah, I can see my job being a problem, but I shutdown so much just it's just like making a sandwich. Social interactions off the clock can be a bit more complicated when I feel too much, that's harder for me. I will say I do get lonely even when I'm with people.

Edited December 8, 2013 by moving2fast

[whichwayisup]

I am being honest. I care about him because he's been a great friend to me and I don't fancy hurting my friends or anyone.

I don't want his wife hurt, or the child. I am a bit detached. I know I've done inexcusable things. I wish things were different. I wish he was more open with his wife about things sothey could be closer. I wish we stayed just friends or his wife knew certain things and was okay with joining in.

I do know I was wrong, and if I wasn't so out of sync with my emotions and the moral code, I would feel more than I do. I wouldn't have engaged many things that I do.

 

forget him. He has a child on the way and his wife has asked you TWICE now to back off and leave him alone. LISTEN TO HER not him. Also, don't worry about hurting his feelings. if anything, you'll be hurting his ego.

 

Find single men to have casual and non committal sex with. Leave this MM alone. He's a big boy and can handle it IF you do hurt his feelings. He shouldn't be messing around with other women, even more so since his wife is pregnant. That's just cruel.

 

Let him go and move on. He is toxic for you as you say, so just do it. End it.

[AlwaysGrowing]

m2f, I must say, you do seem to have some great insight about yourself. Its a great skill to have.

 

Getting into IC and really exploring what being in the porn industry is costing you internally would be a good place to start. I get the feeling that you feel happiness and love is unattainable for you.

 

I also imagine, having to shut oneself off to do your job, ends up being a poor coping skill when you start to use it, when you don't even try.

 

I can also see how, when you use it to interact with co-workers, it then translates to doing it with everyone.

 

How does one trust and let anyone in...when nothing is really real...its all for show?

 

Start with walking away from this MM, and getting IC. Do something just for you...start there.

[Baby123]

Ah I think your getting a lot of grief of posters unnecessarily.

 

When I began my A I was in it for sex, my mm pushed to leave to be with me full time- I finally agreed and he bought an apartment and we ended up in love. But at the point he was leaving I just wanted fun fun fun and I did care about him but I didn't want to be involved in such drama.

 

But the sex was a massive reason for my A- don't beat yourself up. It's

Not the most admirable thing in the world but people have different motivations in life for things.

 

I think the fact his wife is pregnant does make it worse- get out, you'll find sex and friendship elsewhere (with someone without this baggage.)

[bentleychic]

But I didn't intend on doing that. He and I just really are toxic, and I know I should walk away. But if I do, is that going to hurt his feelings? I don't want to seem as if I'm rejecting him after he shared so much with me.

I know I was selfish. I don't really know about how other people are, I know I shouldn't be used as an example of how most people act because I'm out on the fringes. So I shouldn't be giving other OW bad wraps. It's just me.

Who the hell cares if his feelings get hurt? You don't seem to care. You only want him (and everyone else) for sex.

 

He's disgusting. If I was his BW, I would shove divorce papers up his butt hole. I cannot believe you guys shared videos of having sex with other people, including his wife. That crosses more lines than I can even fathom and is totally and completely disgusting.

[Ziz]

If you're asking, yes. You are a jerk. A big one at that.

[Speakingofwhich]

moving2fast, you have been beat up in a huge way from the time you were a little girl and probably from the time you were born.

 

It has changed the way you process your thoughts and emotions which in turn affects your actions.

 

Right now you are able to function in life but at some point in the not too distant future you are going to be blindsided by yourself or someone/something else and you will no longer be able to cope.

 

It will happen just as sure as you're reading this.

 

Please don't wait for that to happen. Get into ic and/or join a church.

 

You have got to put yourself in a situation with someone(s) who cares about you since you don't care about yourself.

 

I personally care about you as much as a stranger on an internet forum can do so. Meaning, I'm not judging you for your actions and I understand why you're doing the things you're doing and not feeling the things you're not feeling.

 

There is, in your heart, a little flame of conscience, feeling, life, that is reaching out on this forum, whether you realize it or not, because you want to do right in this situation with MM.

 

Honor that little flame of life that is struggling to grow into a person you can respect. You are precious, though you've never been treated as precious.

 

You can totally change your course while there is still time and have some joy and good things happen for you, instead of the devastation you will surely face if you continue on this pathway.

[Cinnimon]

moving2fast, you have been beat up in a huge way from the time you were a little girl and probably from the time you were born.

 

It has changed the way you process your thoughts and emotions which in turn affects your actions.

 

Right now you are able to function in life but at some point in the not too distant future you are going to be blindsided by yourself or someone/something else and you will no longer be able to cope.

 

It will happen just as sure as you're reading this.

 

Please don't wait for that to happen. Get into ic and/or join a church.

 

You have got to put yourself in a situation with someone(s) who cares about you since you don't care about yourself.

 

I personally care about you as much as a stranger on an internet forum can do so. Meaning, I'm not judging you for your actions and I understand why you're doing the things you're doing and not feeling the things you're not feeling.

 

There is, in your heart, a little flame of conscience, feeling, life, that is reaching out on this forum, whether you realize it or not, because you want to do right in this situation with MM.

 

Honor that little flame of life that is struggling to grow into a person you can respect. You are precious, though you've never been treated as precious.

 

You can totally change your course while there is still time and have some joy and good things happen for you, instead of the devastation you will surely face if you continue on this pathway.

 

Speakingofwhich, you have an amazing heart.

[moving2fast]

I cannot really understand why it would be considered disgusting that we shared certain things with each other. We did it out of a closeness for one another, I enjoyed seeing them together, though I wish she knew(it wasn't out of meanness or to cause hurt, it was precious). He liked seeing me, I liked showing him, and talking about it and being together and sharing experiences. I would call it akin to showing off a good deed or something, really hard to explain. Just mean to say it wasn't anything gross in my opinion.

 

 

We also did certain things together in groups, during the time we spent together when we started experimenting, so I wasn't the only person he had sexual contact with, and he told me he thought about doing things before but never did them. So, I don't see what I did with him as wrecking a marriage. His talk of leaving and being with me is what is troublesome, because I won't be with him and he has a family now. But he may leave that anyway since he said he never wanted a child and I do believe him about that from things we shared.

 

 

I haven't responded to his email, and I know he'll be contacting me and I'll try my best not to respond. I do like him as a person, but don't want to be tied to him or responsible for him. And I care, because I know what he's shouldering. I can relate somewhat and so I don't want him to feel completely alone. Yes, he's a grown man(34) and will have to deal with whatever he decides on doing, I just wouldn't feel good knowing I turned someone away that's suffered so much.

 

 

I wouldn't want anyone to turn me away if I turned to someone. If I was close to his wife, I'd feel for her more deeply I think, I just cannot relate to her at all on any level, but do like her and though I didn't think what I did with him was horrible, I know she's hurting and I don't want that. I do understand that she told me to stop contacting him twice now and I suppose I didn't take it the way most of you have(as deliberate or whatever) because I wasn't instigating and I am not one to turn a person away. I will try it now.

 

 

I wonder if IC is really worth it. I don't see myself as worth it when it comes to trying to repair anything in my own life. From where I've been to where I am now, I think I'm doing okay. I want to be around, just dunno what for. I'd rather not rehash the past or certain incidents either, they happened, can't change them and I'm fine now.

[moving2fast]

@Speakingofwhich, thank you. I wish I saw myself as worth the effort of doing something. I do appreciate the kind words and caring. I will say, not too far deep down, I highly doubt anyone cares about me at all, so I don't see the point in caring either. I am being too negative and I apologize.

 

 

Just want everyone to know, I am trying to take the advice. I haven't responded back and I do appreciate all input.

[nachosechoes]

Walk away.

[WrinkledForehead]

He says he loves you and you don't love him. Yet, you continue to respond to his contact and have sex with him, despite knowing his precarious emotional state. It sounds like you're using him. Yes, that makes you a jerk.

[moving2fast]

@WrinkledForehead, how am I using him? I don't let him spend money on me, I don't tell him I love him the way he loves me(I tell him not to say that). is it because I spent time and opened up to him? He was a friend.

[Lokie]

m2f, thanks for your honesty about your childhood trauma and your current occupation.

 

Your original post - out of this context - brings up negative emotions for people (including myself) who have been cheated on, etc. In my book, there is NO REASON to do things with other people that we would not do in front of our partner/spouse. Anything that is hidden from someone else takes away the power to choose of the partner who is being deceived. Does that make sense?

 

Even if having sex is without feeling or importance to you, the person whose spouse you are with is being deceived and usually very hurt, unless they agree to the affair as well (which I have never seen happen).

 

Your lack of self-love and self-care is YOUR responsibility. I think you know by now that you are never going to find that in someone else - sexual or otherwise. But it is very important that you learn to take responsibility for your actions. Responding to texts, emails, phone calls, advances IS your responsibility. You have a choice not to respond. No one has control over your actions and reactions but you.

 

Once you learn to care for yourself more and hopefully learn to love the beautiful person you are inside, these types of situations will no longer be attractive to you. You will care enough about yourself to move on. Please start now. Tell your guy you are taking care of yourself for the first time and no longer want to hurt his wife, his new child, him or yourself.

 

L

[Speakingofwhich]

I cannot really understand why it would be considered disgusting that we shared certain things with each other. We did it out of a closeness for one another, I enjoyed seeing them together, though I wish she knew(it wasn't out of meanness or to cause hurt, it was precious). He liked seeing me, I liked showing him, and talking about it and being together and sharing experiences. I would call it akin to showing off a good deed or something, really hard to explain. Just mean to say it wasn't anything gross in my opinion.

 

You can't understand because there is a part of you that's been injured and resulted in disconnection or rewiring in your brain. If you lost a tooth and put it on a table and someone touched the tooth you wouldn't feel it because you wouldn't be connected to it. There are things inside of you that you are not connected to so that you can't experience the way they should be functioning. (No analogy is perfect!)

 

 

I wonder if IC is really worth it. I don't see myself as worth it when it comes to trying to repair anything in my own life. From where I've been to where I am now, I think I'm doing okay. I want to be around, just dunno what for. I'd rather not rehash the past or certain incidents either, they happened, can't change them and I'm fine now.

 

YOU ARE worth it! I can read it in your posts! You are very intelligent and part of the reason you are so disconnected is that you are very sensitive and had to disconnect when you were mistreated so that you could survive. You can really help other people once you get healed. You can be rewired. After you are healed you'll be able to get inside of people's heads that no one else can, partly because of the pathway you've traveled and partly because of the natural gifts you were born with.

 

There is so much good you're reaching out for and that you can do to help other people! But, you have to heal first. And you're going to need help to do so. The timing is perfect for you! Forget about MM and go for the good life that's waiting for you.

 

Find a counselor to get into individual counseling with. And if you don't feel it's a good fit, don't give up. Keep searching until you find one you're compatible with. They're out there but sometimes it takes a bit of a search.

 

Keep posting. There are people on here who will follow your posts and walk through it with you but you really also need a counselor right there that you can sit in a room with and see face-to-face.

[Speakingofwhich]

Cinnimon, thank you for your kind words!

[moving2fast]

Speakingofwhich, I really want to see things the way you do. Things would actually have a purpose then. You are right, I can see from responses that I respond to situations differently from people that have replied here, that my base point is different and so everything is foreign. I never thought I could ever help anyone. I find IC therapy scary. I can find a zillion reasons not to do it.

 

 

Lokie, I just have been raised in such a way that some secrets are needed, and certain things are okay to do with anyone. His wife doesn't know him like she should, maybe she wouldn't have married him at all. So, all the stuff me and the MM did was to me okay and not hurtful. I am trying to see things from the perspective you've mentioned and I know she is hurt by things, I just really don't understand why. I know I've caused hurt and for that I feel bad, though I don't get where the pain is coming from.

[BrokenPrincess]

You don't know why it's disgusting that he showed you videos of himself having sex with his wife without her consent?!

[moving2fast]

Brokenprincess, no I don't. He meant no harm in it, she's a beautiful woman, it wasn't anything for her to be ashamed of, it wasn't anything degrading.

[rumbleseat]

It sounds like you don't have much of a concept of boundaries.

 

Think of it this way. What is something about yourself that you would like to keep private, but you were brave enough to tell one person about it because you trusted them. Now just imagine that person goes and blabs it to your worst enemy. How would you feel?

 

 

The thing to remember is to not apply your standars to a situation, as you know they are not ones most people share. Do think she. Are that video with the expectation that anyone other than the two of them would see it? I'm 99% sure that was the case. It doesn't matter how you would feel, as it's not your video being shared.

 

My best advice to you would be to get some therapy, and until you have worked through some of your issues, stay away from forming a relationship. You've put up huge walls and barriers to protect yourself from harm, let them come down a bit, and in the meantime, stay away from this guy, if not for him, then for her and their child. Otherwise, you will be contributing to at least two other people having a messed up life. I don't think that is what you want at all.

[moving2fast]

Yeah, I suppose that must be it. I don't mind sharing anything as trivial as that with anyone else.

 

 

I see what you mean(really cannot see how this applies) but have confided in a person and had that backfire long ago. I expected a certain outcome and got the opposite, it was a total letdown, but I come to accept that type of behavior from people so now when I think about it wasn't that devastating. Nothing is really ever as bad as it may feel in the beginning.

 

 

You are right, it's not about how I feel. I doubt she even knows he was recording and sharing them with me, maybe he told her, I don't know. I only know that she saw one of him and I together on his computer.

 

 

I'm doing my best to stay away. I don't want a relationship with anyone, and wasn't seeking one. I considered him a friend who I happened to get physical with and shared openly with. I do have other friends that I spend time with and am physical with, or just talk to or whatever. It was just different because it started one way, things changed and he happened to be married.

 

 

I don't want to contribute to any hardships for the child. I just wonder if I am when he says he doesn't want to be a parent. Is it good to have a person in the picture that doesn't want to be? And is he hurting his wife by keeping certain parts of his past from her, not to mention activities he's engaged in, or is it protecting her?

 

 

I don't mean to continue to think about these people, but for some reason I cannot help it. Thank you all again for the feedback. I don't feel ready for therapy. I don't think it can help, I suppose looking it seriously would help. I just see it right now as an inconvenience since I'm not trying to really revisit the past and am doing really well now. Did I mention I have my own place? Never thought I'd be doing this.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

You don't seem to understand what appropriate behaviors are or boundaries.

 

Sleeping with married people is inappropriate

Viewing someone elses sex video without their consent is inappropriate.

 

These actions hurt people who are otherwise innocent and you are complicit in that.

 

You NEED counselling to recognise those boundaries and stop hurting people. I get you've all but given up on yourself. Yeah its sad. But are you happy to continue hurting others who dont deserve it?

[moving2fast]

I think another part that is confusing to me about the boundaries and such is the fact that he was willingly showing it, just as I was willing showing things, like it wasn't pressure on anyone's part, it was like sharing favorite songs or something. And then again, I really haven't had much privacy in my own life before this so it was just like anything else we shared. I didn't think about her feelings, and still can't relate because I am just disconnected on that. I didn't see it as a betrayal either, because he was proud of it, not ashamed.

 

 

I'm not content nor happy with hurting people at all. I am trying to take the advice given and keep my distance. I have come to the understanding that that responding and continuing to carry on any type of contact would hurt his family. I do feel a bit of conflict on that, due to the fact that I wouldn't want to be ignored by someone who understood parts of me that I have not been comfortable really addressing. I wouldn't want to open up to someone, be accepted, then turned away when I need some type of support. I really empathize with the MM. I would feel that way for any friend I had, though I haven't had one share so much with me before.

 

I do care about how the wife feels, I'm just having a really hard time explaining myself. I am not just going around doing things and thinking anyone deserves to be hurt, that what I'm doing is something awful, that isn't it at all. I do feel bad for causing pain, though I don't completely understand the sources of it all. I know that's on my shoulders and parts have been presented in perspectives I haven't looked at before, so I'm reflecting.

 

 

I haven't had this issue with boundaries and such before. I seemed appropriate in the context of it all. Is IC really necessary when this really has been the only time I can recall hurting those undeserving? I am trying to take myself out of the situation, haven't responded to anything.

[rumbleseat]

No offence, but if this is the way you have been living your life, it's likely that this isn't the only time you have hurt someone.

 

There is something really wrong with the fact that you don't have a problem with the idea of him showing you these videos without her consent. Does she even know he made them? If not, then him recording them is an incredibly immoral and nasty thing to do,and it's disgusting that he would share them with you. How you feel about them is irrelevant. What matters is how she would feel, and I can pretty much say that I'm certain most women or men would not be okay with it if they were in her shoes.

 

There is something as out the way that you view sex that is different than the way many others do. You seem to attach zero significance to it. For many people, it is the ultimate form of loving contact with someone else, and it's not just something you do without there being any meaning to it. She has placed, in him, her ultimate trust, he's broken that trust, and you have helped him to do it.

 

Have you told him anything private that you don't want anyone else to know? What if he made a video of the two of you talking about it, then showed it to someone you consider your enemy? How would you feel? Would you feel violated? Would you feel that he had broken your trust? What if the content was something which that person didn't really feel was such a big deal, yet you did? Would it change anything that you didn't consider it to be that big of a deal?

[thomasb]

This guy is a sick, disgusting pervert. I would feel that showing another woman video of me making love with my wife would be a form of rape. Nothing more, nothing less. Period. He is scum. Makes you a really... interesting... person also.