What makes waiting until marriage to move in together more special?

[BecomingABetterMe]

My boyfriend and I (29 and 27 years old) have been dating for a year. He's said from the beginning that I'm the one for him and that he wants to marry me. He's not ready to get engaged just yet for financial reasons, which I'm okay with for now. I would like to move in together at this point, but he feels like waiting until marriage would make it more "special." I asked him to clarify how it would be more special, but he couldn't verbalize what exactly that means to him beyond sharing how exciting and fun it was to move into their first home after he married his ex-wife. I moved in with my ex-fiance after college, and it was exciting and special and I generally liked living together. I don't really get why living together before marriage would be any less special and was wondering if you all could share your thoughts on why waiting until marriage to live together was special for you, or conversely how getting married was still special to you even though you lived together first.

 

Personally, I feel like taking the step of getting married is so much more of a big deal. You can't just end things and go your separate way easily. You are legally and financially bound to each other, and have made a promise in front of family and friends. My boyfriend and his ex made this promise and waited until marriage to move in together, and I can tell you it didn't seem to make their marriage any more special to her, as she broke every vow she made. My experience is that living with my ex allowed me to see how he was on a day-to-day basis, and not just on the weekend like I do with my boyfriend now. I saw how my ex handled his finances, what the division of labor and bill-paying was like, what his habits were as far as alcohol consumption, gambling, and the amount of time that he spent with buddies. These are all things I wouldn't have seen if I hadn't lived with him and helped me make the decision of whether to take the very special step of getting married to him.

 

My boyfriend and I are church-attending Christians, so that seems to be a small element, but neither of us is particularly conservative (we became sexually active within the first couple months of our relationship). All of our siblings have lived with a boyfriend or girlfriend, many of our happily married friends cohabited prior to marrying, and my parents lived together before marriage and are still together 35 years later. Usually he's expressive of his thoughts and very logical, but this is something I've tried to honestly discuss with him and he just hasn't been able to explain his viewpoint. I'm hoping reading some varied opinions might help me get a broader perspective. Thanks all.

Edited December 7, 2013 by BecomingABetterMe

[BecomingABetterMe]

To clarify, I know there's no way that I can convince him to move in together. I just want to have a better understanding of what someone's reasoning would be in this situation so that I can have some peace of mind.

[crederer]

Religious reasons are all I can think of.

[oldshirt]

To be honest, I don't think it will feel that much more special TO YOU. But it probably will to him.

 

I think it's how each individual views marriage and commitment way deep down.

 

You seem to see marriage and commitment and cohabitation pretty pragmatically. I doubt if being married before living together will make much difference to you.

 

To someone who views and values marriage as a spiritual covenant bless by God as opposed to just a legal contract between individuals, it means a lot more.

 

I think in a way this falls under the old saying, "if I have to explain it to you, you wouldn't understand it anyway."

[Johnsmith1003]

My wife and i moved in together a year before marriage. Great tool to see if you can stand one another at their muscle aching, back breaking worst mornings. Turns out we can.

[BecomingABetterMe]

To be honest, I don't think it will feel that much more special TO YOU. But it probably will to him.

 

I think it's how each individual views marriage and commitment way deep down.

 

You seem to see marriage and commitment and cohabitation pretty pragmatically. I doubt if being married before living together will make much difference to you.

 

To someone who views and values marriage as a spiritual covenant bless by God as opposed to just a legal contract between individuals, it means a lot more.

 

I think in a way this falls under the old saying, "if I have to explain it to you, you wouldn't understand it anyway."

 

I am pragmatic, but I also see marriage as a spiritual covenant and not just a contract. The funny thing is that Christianity is more a part of my everyday life than it is for him, and he doesn't seem to be saying that he doesn't want to live together for religious purposes. If he were that religious, I doubt he would have spent the last year sleeping with me. Or at least, I would hope that he would not be hypocritical enough to claim that it was for religious reasons while actively having sex.

[nescafe1982]

I had qualms about moving in with my SO before we were engaged, something about wanting to be in a life-long commitment before we cohabited. My qualms had nothing to do with religious convictions... I look at this as a matter of personal preference.

 

But at the same time, I now live with him, and we're not engaged. So there you go.

 

I think oldshirt is right, though: that this thing may not matter to you, but it does to him. Different strokes. Has he told you his reasons? Have you asked? I think it's an issue worth discussing, so you don't feel a little left in the dark.

[oldshirt]

by asking "why?" it is implying that you are looking for logical, pragmatic reasons why marriage is more special without living together first.

 

Well, here's the catch, there probably AREN'T any logical, pragmatic reasons.

 

It is part of a person's belief system and values and often times those aren't based on logic and pragmatism.

 

Some people find value in slipping into a swimming pool one toe and one step at a time and testing the waters each inch of the way and giving themselves time to adapt and keeping one eye back on the side in case they decide they don't like it so they can get back out.

 

Others make up their mind that they are going to go swimming regardless and take the plunge and dive in head first.

 

You are a 'slipper' and he is a diver.

 

He can't provide with you any more logical and pragmatic reasons why diving in head first is more special to him any more than you can give logical and pragmatic reasons why it's not.

[Forever Learning]

 

He's not ready to get engaged just yet for financial reasons, which I'm okay with for now.

 

I would like to move in together at this point, but he feels like waiting until marriage would make it more "special."

 

I asked him to clarify how it would be more special,

 

but he couldn't verbalize what exactly that means to him beyond sharing

 

how exciting and fun it was to move into their first home after he married his ex-wife.

 

You've been dating a year?

 

He says YOU are the one that he wants to marry and spend his life with?

 

I wonder a bit, what exact 'financial reasons' he has in mind?

 

He can't afford the quality of ring he would want for you?

 

Remember, getting engaged is not the same as saving up the money for the wedding and the down payment on the house, that doesn't all have to happen at once.

 

Getting engaged is getting someone 'off the market' and sending a clear, strong signal that you INTEND to marry that person (and not just have sex with them for years on end without eventual marriage).

 

I would talk to him a bit more about this. Alot of men, when they meet 'the one', that they feel they want to spend the rest of their life with, want to take them 'off the market'.

 

They don't want to lose them.

 

They do this by getting engaged.

 

You might determine in your mind a reasonable amount of time that you are willing to be 'in limbo' before he is financially ready to get engaged.

 

I'd give him 3-6 months to get 'financially ready' to at least give you an engagement ring.

 

Jewelry stores do have payment plans.

 

I wore a $75 Walmart engagement ring (and eventually a wedding band) during my 16 year marriage.

 

I have also worn an engagement ring that came from a pawn shop.

 

Point is, it is a symbol, and it means something if it comes from a good man of integrity who has his head on straight and isn't still mixed up and hung up on his ex or whatever else stumbling block/baggage that he might be carrying (not saying yours is, not saying yours isn't, just saying in general ).

 

The ring is the symbol, telling the world of strangers (strange men in particular) that see it, that you are taken.

 

Men are such funny creatures like that!

 

So it means something.

 

As does the marriage proposal behind it.

 

Now, I actually have mixed feelings on the 'living together before marriage' thing. I've done it.

 

I think it's a good thing, for a limited time, with eventual marriage on the agenda within a given time frame. Living together has alot of benefits. But some people don't like to do that. And I understand that point of view, too.

 

It all boils down to, whether or not he is stringing you along for sex, for the time being, because he is secretly a bit 'wishy washy' about really getting married...........

 

........ since he has been divorced once, and divorce can do a real number on many (most) people, and make them rather gun shy about marriage......

 

Also on the living together thing, it could be he's afraid if you live with him, you'll not like his behaviors on a day in day out basis, and call the whole thing off. I'd say that's a long shot theory though.

 

But anyhow, if so, that would mean no more sex for him too, if you break up and leave (some guys have a hard time finding sex partners, alot of guys actually.....). Sex is a biggie for men. BIGGIE.

 

Just a worst case scenario there, probably doesn't apply to you guys.

 

It's probably best to assume he is genuinely telling you the truth about wanting to move in together AFTER getting married, because it is actually 'special' in his brain. It's all you can assume, at this point, that he is telling the truth on that one.

 

Therefore, the next best thing he can do at this point, it PUT AN ENGAGEMENT RING on your finger, so he is putting his money where his mouth is.

 

Talk to him about getting engaged, explain this concept to him of getting you off the market if he really means to, with an engagement ring.......

 

(of course, he already knows all this VERY WELL, but now he will know YOU know it too, and it will be out in the open, and he can now realize he is in the "sh*t or get off the pot" zone with you ).

 

Also, if he won't live together first, you will have to think about (and DISCUSS with him, tell him it is important to you to discuss these things) about how you two will communicate disagreements when you do live together, about division of chores, cooking, pets, bill paying, socializing, having people over, etc, etc, etc.

 

Money and sex are typically the biggest fights couples have.

 

Dave Ramsey is my very favorite answer to the money fights - he's extremely famous here in the USA,

 

 

www.DaveRamsey.com (oh God, how I love this guy!!!! )

 

 

-he has a course that couples can take together, to get on the same page about bill paying and saving money (rather than always blowing money and being broke, poor, desperate, angry and eventually divorced, due to mismanagement of money).

 

Do check out his website and "Financial Peace University" course, held a churches across the USA - it is a marriage saver.

 

On the sex topic - you will have to see if you guys have at least somewhat similar sex drives, or can compromise on the sexual activity.

 

Sex is the other biggie where marriages go all to hell, if folks have very incompatible sex drives or sexual habits/fantasies/inclinations and can't compromise effectively.

 

Wow, did I ramble on here! Let me know if any of this jibberish resonates with you!

 

And best of luck to you.

Edited December 8, 2013 by Forever Learning

[Clockwork]

Alright, so you are having sex but he doesn't want to move in with you before marriage.

 

You'd think it would be religious reasons, but then again "moving in" together is pretty much an opening for premarital sex anyway. I can't imagine a couple living together before marriage and NOT having sex.

 

Maybe it has to do with his parents. Or how he wants to be perceived. Maybe it just thinks it doesn't look right to move in together from an outward standpoint. Having sex is private between you and him, but moving in together is a blanket statement that you are having sex with each other and aren't afraid for anyone else to know. So it could be that.

 

Or he just wants a little bit of mystique before the actual wedding.

[xxoo]

If you already live together, what changes when you get married?

 

For me, it made it feel more special to move in together after the wedding, because I wanted marriage to be different from engagement and dating. The wedding itself wasn't important to me. The marriage was, and I wanted everyday life to reflect some change on the event of our marriage.

[Kelemvor]

As a single bachelor, cohabitation needlessly complicates my life prematurely if I'm not engaged to someone. It makes much more sense if two people need to conserve money or if it is for economical reasons. Otherwise, if it's a loving, affectionate relationship, and especially if there is sex... What's the reason for a single bachelor to lose his independence? Personally, I love my girlfriend but I'm not ready for marriage and I'm certainly not engaged. Cohabitation would complicate my life and oppress my freedom unnecessarily. I doubt it's due to the stigma although those societal stigmas are alive and well in the South. I wouldn't read into it... Just enjoy the relationship and don't pressure him. He doesn't want to live together, simple as that. If that's such a red flag to you that you would consider breaking up, then do it. It would probably be a red flag to me if a girlfriend made such a big deal out of cohabitation. Although, I do agree with you that it allows you tremendous insight into another person in order to size them up for potential marriage. I'm not against cohabitation, but I would reserve it for someone that I was VERY serious about spending the rest of my life with and where engagement were on the horizon.

 

I think most people live together more for economical reasons. If there's no economical reasons... you lose quite a bit of freedom and independence. Two things that single men (and many women for that matter...) hold dear.

[MissBee]

It can be more special in the sense that, after the wedding ceremony besides now having a new name and rings, you now live together. It's not only a symbolic thing but if you officially move to a new home together, having not done so before, that both symbolically and literally feels like a new chapter in your lives. That's a new and special thing to now wake up under the same roof permanently after tying the knot. If you've already lived together for however long before that, I suppose the actual living together post the nuptials may not feel as new and special and like a new chapter in the same way. For me, that's one special thing I've imagined being a great feeling and for me I will be excited to officially move in together post-nuptials and imagine that as the start of a new chapter for us as an official married couple.

 

To each their own though, but for me, I have always felt it seemed kind of anticlimactic when a couple has already lived together and had kids to get married. It's not that the marriage doesn't matter by then, it still does. But I often wonder how different, honeymooney and novel can it feel if you already have kids and lived together already for 6 years?? I think having not lived together may add a lot more excitement and honeymoon type feeling to things...even if I stayed at your house a lot before and you mine, I think that move to now we have one house will be something to look forward to with marriage.

Edited December 8, 2013 by MissBee

[Els]

I don't think this is something that you necessarily should be trying to 'make peace with', frankly. There are all sorts of reasons why people choose to live together without being married, or vice versa. The most important bit is being with a partner whose views are reasonably compatible with yours in terms of big decisions like this, or being able to work out a mutually satisfactory compromise.

 

Do you think you will regret it in the future if you marry this man without having lived with him?

[BecomingABetterMe]

You've been dating a year?

 

He says YOU are the one that he wants to marry and spend his life with?

 

I wonder a bit, what exact 'financial reasons' he has in mind?

 

He can't afford the quality of ring he would want for you?

 

Remember, getting engaged is not the same as saving up the money for the wedding and the down payment on the house, that doesn't all have to happen at once.

 

Getting engaged is getting someone 'off the market' and sending a clear, strong signal that you INTEND to marry that person (and not just have sex with them for years on end without eventual marriage).

 

I would talk to him a bit more about this. Alot of men, when they meet 'the one', that they feel they want to spend the rest of their life with, want to take them 'off the market'.

 

They don't want to lose them.

 

They do this by getting engaged.

 

You might determine in your mind a reasonable amount of time that you are willing to be 'in limbo' before he is financially ready to get engaged.

 

I'd give him 3-6 months to get 'financially ready' to at least give you an engagement ring.

 

Jewelry stores do have payment plans.

 

I wore a $75 Walmart engagement ring (and eventually a wedding band) during my 16 year marriage.

 

I have also worn an engagement ring that came from a pawn shop.

 

Point is, it is a symbol, and it means something if it comes from a good man of integrity who has his head on straight and isn't still mixed up and hung up on his ex or whatever else stumbling block/baggage that he might be carrying (not saying yours is, not saying yours isn't, just saying in general ).

 

The ring is the symbol, telling the world of strangers (strange men in particular) that see it, that you are taken.

 

Men are such funny creatures like that!

 

So it means something.

 

As does the marriage proposal behind it.

 

Now, I actually have mixed feelings on the 'living together before marriage' thing. I've done it.

 

I think it's a good thing, for a limited time, with eventual marriage on the agenda within a given time frame. Living together has alot of benefits. But some people don't like to do that. And I understand that point of view, too.

 

It all boils down to, whether or not he is stringing you along for sex, for the time being, because he is secretly a bit 'wishy washy' about really getting married...........

 

........ since he has been divorced once, and divorce can do a real number on many (most) people, and make them rather gun shy about marriage......

 

Also on the living together thing, it could be he's afraid if you live with him, you'll not like his behaviors on a day in day out basis, and call the whole thing off. I'd say that's a long shot theory though.

 

But anyhow, if so, that would mean no more sex for him too, if you break up and leave (some guys have a hard time finding sex partners, alot of guys actually.....). Sex is a biggie for men. BIGGIE.

 

Just a worst case scenario there, probably doesn't apply to you guys.

 

It's probably best to assume he is genuinely telling you the truth about wanting to move in together AFTER getting married, because it is actually 'special' in his brain. It's all you can assume, at this point, that he is telling the truth on that one.

 

Therefore, the next best thing he can do at this point, it PUT AN ENGAGEMENT RING on your finger, so he is putting his money where his mouth is.

 

Talk to him about getting engaged, explain this concept to him of getting you off the market if he really means to, with an engagement ring.......

 

(of course, he already knows all this VERY WELL, but now he will know YOU know it too, and it will be out in the open, and he can now realize he is in the "sh*t or get off the pot" zone with you ).

 

Also, if he won't live together first, you will have to think about (and DISCUSS with him, tell him it is important to you to discuss these things) about how you two will communicate disagreements when you do live together, about division of chores, cooking, pets, bill paying, socializing, having people over, etc, etc, etc.

 

Money and sex are typically the biggest fights couples have.

 

Dave Ramsey is my very favorite answer to the money fights - he's extremely famous here in the USA,

 

 

www.DaveRamsey.com (oh God, how I love this guy!!!! )

 

 

-he has a course that couples can take together, to get on the same page about bill paying and saving money (rather than always blowing money and being broke, poor, desperate, angry and eventually divorced, due to mismanagement of money).

 

Do check out his website and "Financial Peace University" course, held a churches across the USA - it is a marriage saver.

 

On the sex topic - you will have to see if you guys have at least somewhat similar sex drives, or can compromise on the sexual activity.

 

Sex is the other biggie where marriages go all to hell, if folks have very incompatible sex drives or sexual habits/fantasies/inclinations and can't compromise effectively.

 

Wow, did I ramble on here! Let me know if any of this jibberish resonates with you!

 

And best of luck to you.

 

The financial reason is that he got stuck with a huge amount of consumer debt from his divorce, enough that it's been a year and a half and he still is chipping away at it. His ex loved to spend his money while he was working 12 hour days, driving a 20-year-old car, and spending virtually no time with friends and family. He does not want to put me in a position of marrying into debt that she ran up, and I am in complete agreement with that. He also does not want to go into debt to buy an engagement ring - he wants to pay off the debt from the divorce and then pay cash for my ring. He is determined to buy me a nice engagement ring and is dead set against the idea of a CZ. He also says he does not want to propose until he is 100% in position to get married. I am totally okay with waiting until he's got his ducks in a row. In the meantime, I hardly ever see him, even when he isn't working those 12 hour days. Moving in together is important and special because I would actually get to see him and I enjoy being around him, even if it's just to hang out a little bit in the evening and fall asleep next to each other.

 

We've talked about all of the important stuff of how we'd handle a life together, as well as the small stuff. What I learned from living with my ex-fiance is that you can *talk* about a lot of things ahead of time, but you don't actually know until you live with the person.

 

I LOVE Dave Ramsey btw. I've read a couple of his books, and I listen to his radio show with my mom. I'm a budget junkie and love my Mint Inuit app.

 

As for sex, he is the LEAST sex-driven guy I have ever dated and is a total gentleman. So I know he isn't with me just for that. He is a downright loyal and good guy.

 

I'm kind of getting to the point where I'm ready to tell him something's gotta give. I really love him, but I also can't spend the next few years being a part-time girlfriend. Most religious people don't wait super long to get married (which I've seen cause a ton of trouble when they do it at a very young age), because it's something that's very valued in our community. As I've gotten older, I've become much more sure of what I want, and I tend to think that if you're in your late twenties it shouldn't take more than a year or two of dating or even living together to decide to get married. It's very frustrating to have been told, "I want to marry you," and then have nothing happen. I almost wish he'd never mentioned it and just waited until he was actually ready to go out and buy a ring to say anything.

[Lauriebell82]

I would say that some believe in cohabitation and some don't. Your boyfriend obviously does not. He told you the reason, that it is special moving into your first home as a married couple. He's had the experience, and that's the way he feels. You feel differently, and of course you are entitled to those feelings.

 

 

Maybe your boyfriend will change his mind, but maybe he won't. Are you okay with risking waiting until marriage to find out what he is like to live with?