Cooking for a date

[Copelandsanity]

You are right. However, I can say that I've been very disappointed to have a guy who claimed to be looking for a serious relationship asking for a date at his place early on.

 

It always left me with the impression he was disingenuous about wanting anything serious. On the few occasions I accepted hoping that wasn't his intent, my suspicions were confirmed (that he was mostly looking for sex ASAP) and I ended things shortly after.

 

OTOH, if a guy is screening for women who have sex with relative strangers and then cross their fingers it will work out for something deeper, then yea, go ahead and ask for that. I always saw it as a little disrespectful... not a kind gesture at all. Definitely nothing that can be interpreted as anything special. Just the opposite in fact.

 

These days, if a guy asked for an at home date that early, I'd take it more like the guy doesn't really care to get to know me, and has put me in the potential FWB or f-buddy role no matter what he says otherwise.

 

I do think that generally you are right. It's code for wanting to have sex at his place.

 

I do like to have a cooking-dinner-for-her-at-my-place date, usually pretty early on. One of the reasons why I enjoy it is because I get to show off my exceptional cooking skills, I tend to be a homebody by nature, I get to share my home with her, and by a 4th date, I will like to have private time with her. Sometimes, it ends up with sex, sometimes it's just us holding each other, kissing, or just lying next to each other and just talking and laughing. For me, it's not really a big deal. If she feels uncomfortable with coming over, then I would plan something else we would like to do.

[RedRobin]

I do think that generally you are right. It's code for wanting to have sex at his place.

 

I do like to have a cooking-dinner-for-her-at-my-place date, usually pretty early on. One of the reasons why I enjoy it is because I get to show off my exceptional cooking skills, I tend to be a homebody by nature, I get to share my home with her, and by a 4th date, I will like to have private time with her. Sometimes, it ends up with sex, sometimes it's just us holding each other, kissing, or just lying next to each other and just talking and laughing. For me, it's not really a big deal. If she feels uncomfortable with coming over, then I would plan something else we would like to do.

 

That's nice.... it still sets the expectation that sex better be happening soon or else.

 

It really just leaves me with the overall impression that he doesn't have a habit of getting to know women in advance, doesn't care to, and so there is a strong likelihood we aren't compatible. If that's the case, then you've achieved your goal of having her diplomatically end things before you get a chance to get to know her just so you could increase your odds of having sex by the 4th date.

 

Guys... has it occurred to you to let HER invite you to her place? Or have her suggest you cook for her? An option might be to say "I really love to cook. I'm looking forward to sharing that with you sometime." Then let her decide when that is... Kinda takes the pressure off.

[Copelandsanity]

That's nice.... it still sets the expectation that sex better be happening soon or else.

 

It really just leaves me with the overall impression that he doesn't have a habit of getting to know women in advance, doesn't care to, and so there is a strong likelihood we aren't compatible. If that's the case, then you've achieved your goal of having her diplomatically end things before you get a chance to get to know her just so you could increase your odds of having sex by the 4th date.

 

Guys... has it occurred to you to let HER invite you to her place? Or have her suggest you cook for her? An option might be to say "I really love to cook. I'm looking forward to sharing that with you sometime." Then let her decide when that is... Kinda takes the pressure off.

 

TBH, I personally would prefer getting to know a woman well in advance before having sex. It's much more comfortable. But that's not the way the dating world works, at least to my experience. I had much more success with women - including "good" girls - once I learned to push the envelope sexually. My ex-wife was a virgin when we met and I waited two years - when we married - before we had intercourse. And even she would admit that me attempting to have sex with her on our third date was a good thing. We ended up spending the entire night talking to each other, also kissing and holding one another while naked under the covers.

Edited December 8, 2013 by Copelandsanity

[salparadise]

It's just our job to inform other women who happen to be reading this thread what the real deal is so that they can make an informed choice... not assume it means anything or that a guy cares about her even a little. I mean, think about it. All it really means is he can cook (so what) and he's willing to share his dinner. Nice... but doesn't mean diddly squat as far as intent.

 

People are different, and one perspective is not necessarily more right than another. Your preference to withhold sex based on your view of how things ALWAYS are does not give you the moral high ground... it's just a preference. I always wonder when y'all go on these tirades if you wouldn't be happier if you'd just exhale and find a way to be comfortable with diversity and ambiguity. When people see it as their mission to convert the world to their uniquely correct perspective, it's as tiresome as a television preacher.

Edited December 8, 2013 by salparadise

[RedRobin]

Damn this is tiresome. Has it ever occurred to y'all that having misandrist fixations is just that, and not evidence of other people's reality? I don't understand why it's so important to you to convince the entire female population that men are so conniving and that every nice gesture is bound to be base on the ulterior motive of getting you to have sex against your will?

 

Thank goodness that most women are able to just enjoy a nice experience without attributing motive, believing they are being set up to have their precious virtue violated.

 

Not every man wants to have sex with strangers or an unwilling participant!

Not every woman shares the the imperative to wait six months or make sex conditional on long-term commitment.

 

Allowing a man to cook you a nice dinner does not obligate you to spread your legs.

Some people, men and women, are able to just let new relationships unfold naturally without expectations, hard-edged rules, distrust of the other's motive, or any of these other buzz-kill ideations.

 

The woman I am currently dating thought it was a nice idea when I suggested that we make pizza at her place on the 4th date, before going to a concert. After the concert we returned to her place (we live some distance apart) and I stayed in the guest room... and I didn't make a move to get into her pants. So we had a great time and continued dating, and weeks later we were talking about what we were feeling on our earlier dates. She smiled at me and said, "you know you had it made after that concert... why did you not come to my room?" She was full of anticipation. She said on the one hand she was impressed with my gentlemanly restraint (tension was in the air), but on the other she was a bit disappointed.

 

So the point is that people are different, and one perspective is not necessarily more right than another. Your preference to withhold sex based on your view of how things ALWAYS are does not give you the moral high ground... it's just a preference. I always wonder when y'all go on these tirades if you wouldn't be happier if you'd just exhale and find a way to be comfortable with diversity and ambiguity. When people see it as their mission to convert the world to their uniquely correct perspective, it's as tiresome as a television preacher.

 

On the first part... You are right about that. However, there are lots of other ways to figure that out rather than toss out the house date idea to every woman one comes across in the off chance you'll get some. Right? Think about it.

 

... and on the second part... duh... just tired of the lack of creativity, patience, and hand-waving done by most guys to avoid accepting responsibility for the pace of things. I'm not obligated... but neither am I impressed. They can pick something else that shows me they really want to get to know me and not put either of us in an awkward position where I'm inclined to reject him.

 

I'm usually the first to suggest lots of other things that don't involve going there so soon. Again, if he wants to leave the impression that he has a habit of having sex with people he hardly knows, then he can go ahead and suggest the at home dates early on. A great screening process for those who prefer to have sex early, I guess. *shrug*

[RedRobin]

People are different, and one perspective is not necessarily more right than another. Your preference to withhold sex based on your view of how things ALWAYS are does not give you the moral high ground... it's just a preference. I always wonder when y'all go on these tirades if you wouldn't be happier if you'd just exhale and find a way to be comfortable with diversity and ambiguity. When people see it as their mission to convert the world to their uniquely correct perspective, it's as tiresome as a television preacher.

 

I'm not saying my preference gives me any moral high ground.

 

Just that women shouldn't be naïve about what the guy is really suggesting (heya! let's get nekked!! woohoo!)... and that the suggestion doesn't mean shyte in terms of anything... not feelings... not a future relationship... nada.

 

If she wants to proceed knowing that, then fine. Someone's gotta clue them in. It ain't like most men are doing their part to foster or develop a budding relationship (or lack thereof). That's her job... right?

 

I tell men upfront that I need to go slow and want an emotional connection and an established relationship before becoming intimate... that's my style. If he has a problem with that, he doesn't need to ask me on date two. If, after that, we go on subsequent dates and he's rolling out the at home date idea on the 4th date or thereabouts, it just shows he wasn't listening and doesn't care.

 

I suppose with your dating style, you find out in advance if she's the 'go with the flow' type and has sex early... and this would be your way of finding that out... Personally, I'd rather not waste even four dates on a guy who has that style. We aren't compatible. No sense fighting over it.

Edited December 8, 2013 by RedRobin

[Nanners]

I should of added to the story to make my motives more clear. We both go to the same college and even stay in the same apartment style dorm on campus. The reason I want to do this date is its finals week and I thought this would be the perfect date to do before we both leave for christmas break. After christmas break im the only one coming back to school. Shes staying in her home town to do a intership. In all honesty I just wanted to watch our favorite show together cause I know it will be a long time till we'll be able to watch the show together. Sex never crossed my mind. Its good to know now that she could be thinking that this date is a booty call but its not.

[StanMusial]

I have cooked for my gf before. I usually have everything ready and do everything myself. Maybe ask her to bring dessert or something, or ask her if she wants to help. Making a pizza from scratch might be fun to do together.

[salparadise]

If, after that, we go on subsequent dates and he's rolling out the at home date idea on the 4th date or thereabouts, it just shows he wasn't listening and doesn't care.

 

I suppose with your dating style, you find out in advance if she's the 'go with the flow' type and has sex early... and this would be your way of finding that out... Personally, I'd rather not waste even four dates on a guy who has that style. We aren't compatible. No sense fighting over it.

 

That's because you assume that an at home date includes the expectation of sex, and that's just another limiting presumption. Like I said, the first time we did pizza and I stayed over at her place there was no expectation and nothing happened. I don't need to figure out in advance if anyone is open to sex early, or what to you seems early, but I do like knowing they're able to relax, enjoy good company, and don't have a spring-loaded misandrist button... that's where you and I would be incompatible. Fortunately, the Red Rooster predisposition is pretty rare.

[RedRobin]

That's because you assume that an at home date includes the expectation of sex, and that's just another limiting presumption. Like I said, the first time we did pizza and I stayed over at her place there was no expectation and nothing happened. I don't need to figure out in advance if anyone is open to sex early, or what to you seems early, but I do like knowing they're able to relax, enjoy good company, and don't have a spring-loaded misandrist button... that's where you and I would be incompatible. Fortunately, the Red Rooster predisposition is pretty rare.

 

what are you talking about? op says it's their 4th date.

 

he even followed up today pointing out sex was the furthest thing from his mind.

 

i think it's really weird that a few people on here would project their sexual hang-ups onto this guy's situation.

 

apparently all this sex stuff was in your minds.

 

keep it to yourself next time.

 

 

j

 

Oh. Ok. 4 dates = knowing someone. Got it.

 

Will give the OP credit for not being aware that this is how it will be perceived.

 

Unlike some of the posters here who know very well how it is perceived and yet push on anyway. My question is, what exactly do you guys hold yourself accountable for in terms of pace? Anything? Or is that our job as women?

 

Pretty lazy if you ask me.

[Els]

Don't see anything wrong with him inviting her over to his place. She's presumably an adult woman and capable of making her own decision as to whether or not to go. If it feels too soon for her, she can say no.

 

That aside, I personally find it rude when someone invites me over for dinner and then expects me to do half the preparation, unless it was explicitly stated beforehand. So yeah, don't invite her over to"dinner" and then surprise her with uncooked pizza dough. That would be a terrible idea.

 

Either cook for her or just take her out to dinner imo.

[crude]

I'm amazed that dating seems to have it's own rules, language, and stereotypes that have nothing whatsoever to do with reality or common sense. I don't think a home date means sex, it means a casual evening. Sex can happen any time, or never, I don't see how there's the presumption of sex, unless people get that nonsense in their head because they believe it's the way it is.

[RedRobin]

nice try. no. you know full well you called this his attempt at a 'first impression'. your quote is right there in my reply. now you're changing the goal posts to 'knowing someone'. it was dishonest for you to disregard his op stating it was the 4th date & claim it was the first, & it's dishonest for you now to claim my correcting you was a claim that they fully know each other.

 

Actually, I HAVE read this whole thread. A 4th date IS a 'first impression' in my book... they hardly know each other.

 

It's why *I* don't find at home dates by mature men to be acceptable this early on. I didn't know the OP was some college kid. Thanks to us, though, he at least knows how it might be perceived.

 

you have no moral high ground either on the cooking issue itself or on the advisement of it.

 

Never said I did. The guys who know better know exactly why they offer it and the likely or intended outcome. Do I need to repost those comments? No, I don't. And yes, different people have different mating styles. Duh. My only point is letting women who MIGHT be naïve about those little realities in on it. So that she can make the best choice for herself. Noone is sitting here saying what she should do with that information.

 

why shouldn't they? if that isn't their intention-- despite what you & other people letting their projections run wild insist upon in your

sex-obsessed minds-- then of course they should push on.

 

oh please. Let's not be naïve.

 

i'm a woman, & am offended by your trivializing of women as incapable of deciding for themselves whether to have sex with a man who cooks them dinner.

 

I really don't care what you do. Most here agree, that when he's offering 'dinner', what he is really offering is d*ck. Most of the time. Alrighty?

 

this whole thing is like the ridiculous belief of original sin: people put bad ideas into their children's heads which the children would never have otherwise had.

 

Oh, lets not make this about religion. The guys on this thread already admitted that this 'works' for them. Please don't insult my intelligence and that of other women by claiming 'innocence' on their part. That's just retarded.

[Under The Radar]

Guy here:

 

Strange as it may sound, I never knew early home dates equaled booty calls until I discovered LoveShack. Perhaps I'm in the minority, but I would not be thinking about sex by the fourth date. In fact, I usually don't want to kiss until the third date (and I'm no prude).

 

I'm one for needing and building an emotional connection before I feel comfortable having sex. I could care less what other people do in the early stages of dating (no judgements here), but that's not EVERY guy's style or motivation.

 

If I brought someone to my home by the fourth date for dinner it's because I have a nice home, feel comfortable there, and would want my date to see where I live.

[Divasu]

Naysayers aside, I think cooking pizza together sounds found and is a sweet idea considering she does not know how to cook.

 

As some have pointed out though, the invitation to your house may be perceived with a watchful eye. While I think some of the advice in this thread is a bit over the top, it probably comes from a place of past disappointment and you have no idea whether or not this woman has had a similar experience. If you've demonstrated a willingness to spend time together regardless of location, hopefully she won't view it as some sort of "nookie only" invitation.

 

(Haha, this poor guy is probably thinking "geeze all I wanted was to cook flippin' pizza together!").

[Under The Radar]

Naysayers aside, I think cooking pizza together sounds found and is a sweet idea considering she does not know how to cook.

 

As some have pointed out though, the invitation to your house may be perceived with a watchful eye. While I think some of the advice in this thread is a bit over the top, it probably comes from a place of past disappointment and you have no idea whether or not this woman has had a similar experience. If you've demonstrated a willingness to spend time together regardless of location, hopefully she won't view it as some sort of "nookie only" invitation.

 

(Haha, this poor guy is probably thinking "geeze all I wanted was to cook flippin' pizza together!").

 

 

Exactly, people are projecting their own negative experiences onto the OP, and then, categorizing it as a blanket generalization.

 

I see nothing wrong with the OP's proposed dinner invitation; it sounds like it will be fun.

[Zahara]

I don't see what the issue is with OP inviting the woman over. I'm sure she's smart enough to know that being in closed quarters could possibly lead to more than just pizza for dinner. These are two adults making an adult decision as to what they choose to do on their 4th date. Would be a different story if OP came here and said he was trying to manipulate her into having sex with him by inviting her over.

 

OP, if you both have decided to cook together, then I would get all the ingredients prepared and dough resting in the refrigerator. Get some appetizers ready so she's not starving when she's there. Then all you both would have to do is get the dough going, dump the anchovies on the pizza and into the oven. Call it cooking together. Sounds like a nice evening! Have fun!

Edited December 9, 2013 by Zahara

[CrystalCastles]

I think a good summary is this:

 

There are two groups of guys:

 

A. Ones that invite a girl over to cook dinner in the hopes that she'll take her clothes off

B. Ones that invite a girl over to cook dinner to, indeed, cook dinner

 

There's no way a girl would know which group a guy comes from. Yes, there ARE quality guys, like the OP, who are from Group B. However, a girl has no way of knowing if you're from Group A or B, so it's safest for her to assume, if she's not ready, that cooking dinner=sex. At least, I'm speaking from my own opinion.

 

So if your woman refuses, OP, to come over, don't take it personally. It's mostly because guys from Group A have ruined it for guys from Group B (you).

 

I think it's sweet that you have this kind of plan. I think it also depends on how well she knows you. If she's not ready, but she knows you won't try anything, then she'll probably not refuse. Good luck!

[OrangeSnack]

Crazy how some people automatically assumes that when we invite someone over to our house it means that we want to have sex with them.

 

OP, i think that's a really romantic idea. 4th date or not, I think it's a very sweet and thoughtful gesture. It would be a shame if she said no. It wouldn't be your loss, it would be hers. So definitely plan it out and do it!

[CrystalCastles]

Crazy how some people automatically assumes that when we invite someone over to our house it means that we want to have sex with them.

 

That would be because there are men who invite a woman over for "dinner" to have sex with her.

[RedRobin]

I think a good summary is this:

 

There are two groups of guys:

 

A. Ones that invite a girl over to cook dinner in the hopes that she'll take her clothes off

B. Ones that invite a girl over to cook dinner to, indeed, cook dinner

 

There's no way a girl would know which group a guy comes from. Yes, there ARE quality guys, like the OP, who are from Group B. However, a girl has no way of knowing if you're from Group A or B, so it's safest for her to assume, if she's not ready, that cooking dinner=sex. At least, I'm speaking from my own opinion.

 

So if your woman refuses, OP, to come over, don't take it personally. It's mostly because guys from Group A have ruined it for guys from Group B (you).

 

I think it's sweet that you have this kind of plan. I think it also depends on how well she knows you. If she's not ready, but she knows you won't try anything, then she'll probably not refuse. Good luck!

 

Very well put!

 

Crazy how some people automatically assumes that when we invite someone over to our house it means that we want to have sex with them.

 

If you think that is crazy, I suggest you take it out on disingenuous men... not women who are just trying to get to know a guy for chrissakes.

 

That would be because there are men who invite a woman over for "dinner" to have sex with her.

 

It's not the wanting to have sex part that bothers me about this gesture when done early.

 

It's the trying to leave the impression through this 'romantic' gesture that there is any interest in pursuing a relationship... when really it is just manipulation. I personally don't feel it's on the woman all the time to be obliged to be the sole person looking out for the potential of a future relationship.

 

An experienced Type B guy would not ask this so early on if he is looking for a relationship. If he just wants to try his luck on the off chance that MAYBE he wants a relationship with her, then go ahead.

 

Myself and lots of other women don't take it as romantic from an experienced man this early. Just the opposite, in fact.

[fujidabruin]

Too much opinion about the significance of events and personal expectations going on here in this thread.

 

Maybe we should ask the OP to reiterate what he is actually looking for opinions about..... until then, maybe we can all assume that the OP and his date are adults and are capable of communicating and reaching an understanding of when they feel sex becomes appropriate.

 

I have a feeling the OP is just sitting back reading all these posts and either shaking his head or laughing his arse off!!!

 

Spinoffs from this thread:

- How many dates past #4 is appropriate before jumping her bones?

- If she meets my folks on date #4, am I entitled to screw her?

- What can I cook besides pizza to avoid having sex?

 

SHEESH.....

[writergal]

The OP wrote that he and his potential-love interest are college students.

 

The American Sociological Association documented hook-up culture among college students (between 2002-2010 with surveys to the study participants) to show that college students PREFER casual "hook up" liaisons to long-term committed relationships.

 

I agree with Crystal Castles that men tend to fall into one of two categories:

 

A. Dinner preludes hook-up sex (whether or not a relationship is the goal)

B. Dinner is just...dinner with no strings attached

 

I don't think its preposterous as the poster jan_may argues, to assume that when a man invites you over to his place to cook dinner with him on the 4th date, it's a prelude to sex with him later on, because the 4th date is still in that "barely know each other stage" unless casual sex is your goal.

 

That is my opinion. That doesn't mean I have a hang-up about being invited over to cook dinner at my date's house. It means I have standards, and was suggesting to the OP that if he doesn't want to give the impression that this is a hookup date when they barely know each other, he should maybe plan something off campus for them to do on their date. It doesn't take a genius to see that dates that take place in dorm rooms lead to sex. (I mean, what else are you going to do there when there's just a desk and bed)

 

The OP said he planned to invite this girl over to cook pizza (or whatever it was) with him and then watch tv in their co-ed dorm building. But I can't imagine 2 college kids of the opposite sex just cooking and watching tv in his/her dorm room without any hookup happening, unless they are Mormons or just buddies.

 

Hookups are common among college students. That's reality.

Edited December 11, 2013 by writergal

[MalachiX]

Unlike some of the posters here who know very well how it is perceived and yet push on anyway. My question is, what exactly do you guys hold yourself accountable for in terms of pace? Anything? Or is that our job as women?

 

Pretty lazy if you ask me.

 

You're view of relationships makes me sad. We're both accountable for pace and every aspect of the relationship. We both decide when we're ready to be sexual and we both decide when we want to stay in and cook together. We're adults and we know how to make choices. Every relationship is different and both parties involved are the only people who should decide if something is "too soon." Honestly, I'd never want to date anyone who was so dead-set on not giving me the benefit of the doubt because I'm a guy.

 

Most here agree, that when he's offering 'dinner', what he is really offering is d*ck.

 

The guys on this thread already admitted that this 'works' for them.

 

You just don't get it and your reading of what I and other guys have said is so off as to be really offensive to me.

 

First of all, I never said it "works." I said that in my experience a dinner date has lead to sex a number of times even on those when I had no objective. In two cases, I really did just want to make a girl dinner but she pushed the sexual envelope. I love how that somehow makes me the bad guys. Apparently you view women as so naive and fragile that we have to protect them from their own evil sexuality.

 

Also, just because I explained what had happened to me doesn't mean I think this is the only way. For the billionth time I think all relationships are different and people have different ways of courting.

 

It's the trying to leave the impression through this 'romantic' gesture that there is any interest in pursuing a relationship... when really it is just manipulation.

 

And here is the statement that I find INCREDIBLY offensive to both genders. If I want to cook a romantic dinner for a woman and I'd like to make love to her afterwards, that is not a manipulation. That's because I'm legitimately interested in this women and think there might be a future with her.

 

I don't multi-date. Once I go on a second date with someone I don't ask anyone else out because I want to focus on this person and see where it goes. I certainly don't see anyone else once I've slept with someone.

 

Plenty of other men and women also feel able to get a sense of someone after a few dates and feel the need to give the relationship thing a try. That doesn't mean one person is manipulating the other. People get a "good feeling" about someone and they start to hope that they've found a person they might really click with. They get excited and they want to rush to the relationship part (which include being intimate). Maybe some of us should be more reserved with our feelings but it's hard when you find yourself falling for someone. Every serious relationship I've been in, I've known from the first date or two if this was someone who I'd want to be with for a while. I have a lot of friends who will always say after a first date, "I think I met my next girl/boy-friend." They just know.

 

It's fine if you take a lot longer to get a feeling about someone. What's disgusting about your posts however is that you've basically decided that no one can possibly have real feelings after four dates. Men will only be romantic because they want to get laid and women will only be romantic because they are naive and getting fooled.

 

It amazes me that you think that so many of these women are so stupid they're going to get suckered into sleeping with someone they don't like because he made them dinner. That's a pretty low standard. It's also amazing that you apparently think men are incapable of developing real feelings until ten dates in.

[MalachiX]

The OP said he planned to invite this girl over to cook pizza (or whatever it was) with him and then watch tv in their co-ed dorm building. But I can't imagine 2 college kids of the opposite sex just cooking and watching tv in his/her dorm room without any hookup happening, unless they are Mormons or just buddies.

 

You're lack of imagination is disturbing. What you call "standards" I call "cynicism."