I HATE when my husband spends time with his family

[Peachee]

My husband and I have had problems with his family for a long time (we are together 28 years, married for 25). Bottom line-they don't like me and I don't like them....he actually does not like them either. They are like strangers to my kids and show strong favoritism to the other grandchildren. They have been downright disrespectful to me throughout the years. Even his siblings make me sick...especially one who has always been a selfish little b**ch (the "baby" of the family). I refuse to be around them anymore and it really bothers me that DH still makes time to see and be with these people. We live in different states, so it is not a regular thing, but he does talk a few times a week to "baby sister". She has been downright nasty and rotten to me (and DH too), but DH still has a relationship with her because he "loves" her "because she is his sister". He always tries to tell me that she has changed and is now a wonderful new person. Ms. wonderful has apologized to him for her past behavior, but never to me. She is still the selfish, witch she always was in my eyes and I hate her and all of them. He always tells me that he doesn't like them, but since they are his family he loves them and he has to be around them, to set a good example for our kids. I actually hate him when he is around them and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like he is betraying me by having a relationship with them since they have been so nasty and evil to me throughout the time I have known them. I don't know how to handle my feelings of betrayal.....

[Woggle]

Hate them or not they are still blood and have been around since childhood.

[Balzac]

That's a lot of emotion and strong rhetoric for people you don't see. Knowingly or not - you come across as unbalanced. 28 years, children, yet you're brittle and shrill which illuminates your personal misery.

 

Your husband is entitled to make his own relationship decisions.

 

You surely can vent here. No problem. I think you have no idea how

you come across.

[Sparty97]

Honestly, in this situation you sound like the bad guy.

[SoleMate]

Sometimes it works to change other people by changing yourself first. I see the embedded hostility...it may be a 2-way street. For the sake of your M and H, I'd at least try to feel more forgiving.

[Clockwork]

You married into the family, like it or not. 28 years together, then married for 25, that means you had three years to see how his family was. Plus another 25 since then to try and be civil with them.

 

You probably aren't telling us the whole story here. There has to be some reason why they hate you. Try to explain it a bit more. What did you do? What did they do?

 

Anyway, you don't want to be that wife that keeps her husband away from his family. That isn't good. They are blood, life is short and while there are clearly selfish people in the world the best thing to do is just be civil with them. You are their children's aunt, they are your children's aunt as well. That makes a big deal. You can't, nor should, keep a man away from his family. And better yet, you should always make the effort to co-exist with them, especially since they live in another state and you barely have to see them. It doesn't sound so hard.

[stillafool]

If you don't like his family that's fine as you have every right not to see them or interact with them at all. You have absolutely NO RIGHT to tell him not to see his family. You sound extremely selfish and childish. It isn't your business that he spends time with his family. Would you be okay if your husband asked you not to see your Mom, Dad, sisters or brothers because he doesn't get along with them?

[Balzac]

Unless you had your childten beyond age 40 I'd expect that they are adults.

[MidwestUSA]

That's a lot of hate for some folks who live in a different state. Betrayal? They're his family, like it or not. You've dealt with it for 28 years. Did something change recently? Sounds like your husband is being the more logical one here.

[writergal]

My husband and I have had problems with his family for a long time (we are together 28 years, married for 25). Bottom line-they don't like me and I don't like them....he actually does not like them either. They are like strangers to my kids and show strong favoritism to the other grandchildren. They have been downright disrespectful to me throughout the years. Even his siblings make me sick...especially one who has always been a selfish little b**ch (the "baby" of the family). I refuse to be around them anymore and it really bothers me that DH still makes time to see and be with these people. We live in different states, so it is not a regular thing, but he does talk a few times a week to "baby sister". She has been downright nasty and rotten to me (and DH too), but DH still has a relationship with her because he "loves" her "because she is his sister". He always tries to tell me that she has changed and is now a wonderful new person. Ms. wonderful has apologized to him for her past behavior, but never to me. She is still the selfish, witch she always was in my eyes and I hate her and all of them. He always tells me that he doesn't like them, but since they are his family he loves them and he has to be around them, to set a good example for our kids. I actually hate him when he is around them and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like he is betraying me by having a relationship with them since they have been so nasty and evil to me throughout the time I have known them. I don't know how to handle my feelings of betrayal.....

 

Reread your post. The hostile tone and bitterness make you come across as a difficult person (probably in your husband's family's eyes) to be around. Referring to your sister-in-law as a b**** shows me that you are extremely judgmental and manipulative. People just don't hate people for no reason.

 

Perhaps its your strong personality and meanness as to why your husband's family doesn't like you. Calling your sister-in-law a selfish witch indicates that you may be jealous of her as well.

 

If there is any betrayal going on here, it's from you. You write that you hate your own husband when he's around his own family? You have some serious, SERIOUS anger and rage issues that you clearly haven't dealt with (is my guess). I feel bad for your husband and children because you sound like a very hostile, shrill, manipulative woman.

[Woggle]

I have never seen a reaction this unanimous before. To be honest I expected some division along gender lines.

[anne1707]

I have never seen a reaction this unanimous before. To be honest I expected some division along gender lines.

 

 

Woggle - you are the only one who has shown any division by making the above post

[soccerrprp]

Peachee,

 

Are you still following this? Tell us why his family hates you? Anyway, one thing that I have never and will never subscribe to is the notion that blood is thicker than water when it comes to familial relationships. We don't get to choose our family for the most part and some times our family members can be some of the worst people on the planet.

 

Over the last two years, I have successful severed all ties with my late wife's side of the family. Long story, but I and my children are much better off. Family by law, but not by practice.

 

It's much more difficult to cut ties for your H. It's his family. But, if my family were total cretins, unsupportive and disrespectful to my wife, you better believe I'd let them know and make whatever moves to make certain that crap didn't continue.

 

But, again, we all only know the harshness of your words and wonder why.

[Woggle]

Woggle - you are the only one who has shown any division by making the above post

 

Don't pretty much 90% of threads on here sort of devolve into something like that? I am glad that people are just calling it like it is.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

I have put up with **** out of inlaws too. Finally, about 8 years ago, I put my foot down. I told off two SILS royally and not nicely either. I then informed my MIL that her daughters and their bitchiness are why very FEW of the spouses of her kids come around the family and that she might want to clean house. That we spouses deserve respect and that I would no longer tolerate any more bull****. Then, I told my husband that he was a dick for not defending his own wife and that it is almost unforgivable what we allowed to happen.

 

That got the point across. No more bull****.

 

I think that a man who allows his family of origin to be nasty to his wife, who should be first in his life, does not truly love her and should never consider getting married. Or at the very least he should stand up and tell his FOO that they will NOT mistreat his wife or they will not see him or the kids ever again.

 

I have put my own mother in her place. Guess what? She stopped the ****, apologized and never did it again. Even though she was not thrilled with my husband, she treated him with respect that he deserved as my husband, until she died.

 

And THAT is the way it should be. I don't give a **** if it is "faaaaamily". You do not disrespect spouses of your kids or siblings. You just don't. Even if you don't like the person, you do not have a right to be nasty. If they offend you personally, deal with it like an adult.

 

People who mistreat the spouses of their family members should not be allowed access to the children. If you refuse to respect the spouse, then tough **** on having a relationship with the kids. That is the way it should be.

[Sparty97]

I have put up with **** out of inlaws too. Finally, about 8 years ago, I put my foot down. I told off two SILS royally and not nicely either. I then informed my MIL that her daughters and their bitchiness are why very FEW of the spouses of her kids come around the family and that she might want to clean house. That we spouses deserve respect and that I would no longer tolerate any more bull****. Then, I told my husband that he was a dick for not defending his own wife and that it is almost unforgivable what we allowed to happen.

 

That got the point across. No more bull****.

 

I think that a man who allows his family of origin to be nasty to his wife, who should be first in his life, does not truly love her and should never consider getting married. Or at the very least he should stand up and tell his FOO that they will NOT mistreat his wife or they will not see him or the kids ever again.

 

I have put my own mother in her place. Guess what? She stopped the ****, apologized and never did it again. Even though she was not thrilled with my husband, she treated him with respect that he deserved as my husband, until she died.

 

And THAT is the way it should be. I don't give a **** if it is "faaaaamily". You do not disrespect spouses of your kids or siblings. You just don't. Even if you don't like the person, you do not have a right to be nasty. If they offend you personally, deal with it like an adult.

 

People who mistreat the spouses of their family members should not be allowed access to the children. If you refuse to respect the spouse, then tough **** on having a relationship with the kids. That is the way it should be.

 

You have admitted to being nasty... other than that we have no evidence of anything else.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

You have admitted to being nasty... other than that we have no evidence of anything else.

 

I am sorry, I am not sure what you mean. I was not nasty until years and years later and finally put a stop to the nonsense. I was mistreated for years and told to just ignore, etc. Got tired of it.

 

I was defending the OP.

[crederer]

Ya you're in the wrong.

 

I've seen relationships and friendships like this and from an outside perspective it's so obvious. Both people are good people but hate eachother and act awful towards eachother. If even one of them decided to bury the hatchet, it'd make things so much better.

 

But people are too stubborn to do that because "They should be the one to do that, not me! They did x, y, z and I DEMAND an apology before I'm going to talk to that spoiled twat".

[DaisyLeigh1967]

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Bull****. People should be held responsible for what they do to another person. Burying the hatchet is nice, but being a bigger person in cases like these often means just being a friggin doormat.

[crederer]

No, it means living a peaceful and more enjoyable existence. I feel sorry for you, I can feel the seething anger.

 

Wouldn't allowing someone to make you feel that angry and cause this amount of turmoil in the relationship make you even a bigger doormat?

 

But I guess as long as your RIGHT, it doesn't matter if you're happy or not.

[lollipopspot]

I've seen relationships and friendships like this and from an outside perspective it's so obvious. Both people are good people but hate eachother and act awful towards eachother. If even one of them decided to bury the hatchet, it'd make things so much better.

 

This really depends on the individuals. There are some people out there who are really unpleasant and toxic people, and there's no getting along with them in a healthy way. Some of my father's family was like that, and he should have booted them. They ended up stealing/embezzling a LOT of money and other things from us.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Darling I am happy. Because I finally stood up for myself and they obviously decided to act human because I have had absolutely no more issues with these people.

 

In fact, we visited last Spring and it was quite a lovely visit. Friendly and no bull****. And it has been awhile since I finally had enough.

 

Sometimes you have to stand up for yourself.

 

I would never ever expect my husband or anyone I love to just bend over, take it up the booty and then ask for more. Just not right. If you love your spouse, the words "that is JUST the way they are" and "ignore them" and "well I was not there so I cannot say if they said that or not" should never be uttered by you. You should have your spouse's back always. United front. If you cannot handle that, then live at home with Mommy. Don't torture some other soul with your dysfunctional FOO.

Edited December 8, 2013 by DaisyLeigh1967

[proactivedreamer]

I know it's not easy, but how do you feel about forgiveness? Have you tried speaking to your sis in law? Think forgiveness and cooperation for your sake and your family's sake. So much can be gained! I know it won't be easy because it has been years, but imagine a renewed relationship with your husband family! This might be the only life you have, do you really want to spend it being angry at your sis in law whom your husband loves? Try to forgive her for hurting you, and then try talking to her...just a thought.

[beatcuff]

going back to the OP.

 

... I refuse to be around them anymore and it really bothers me that DH still makes time to see and be with these people. ...

 

it appears OP has made piece with the in-laws (not around them anymore), why is she trying to 'control' H by demanding the same.

 

where is the requirement that either side must 'like' the other.

 

even if we assume that they are 100% at fault why can't he call once a week to 'check-in'?

[Iguanna]

So you all pretty much told her that she is the difficult person and that she should suck it up and accept the fact that these people are her husband's family so she should respect them. What if she has treated them nicely from the start but they have shown very clearly they don't like her or approve her as a wife of her H? If she has tried to be friendly and create a good relationship but they were distant and were saying bad things about her to her husband? Would you still say that she has to suck it up cause they're family? What are the limits that a guy has to have between family and his wife? (I made it more general now).