His stupid effin' past

[mschocolat]

I'm having a major issue overthinking about his past; everything from sex to kissing and hanging out together.

 

I'm a complete opposite. I have never had a boyfriend before him let alone any dates. Which means i have never kissed a guy in my life before my boyfriend and of course, a virgin too (i intend to stay this way due to my religion and personal opinion).

 

I went out with a guy friend to chat and just walk around during the day but it was never a date cos we were just friends.

 

Basically, everything that he has experienced with others bothers me so much. The fact that kissing is my first time ever, everything was first for me but not him especially since we are so serious that we even think about getting married as soon as the financial situation settles.

He's a Christian and he has regretted and repented about his sexual sin and willing to wait for me until marriage.

 

I could just let him go but how can i just let go of someone i love so easily? and who's there to guarantee me that i will meet someone with no past?

I'm 24 and he's 23. We have been together about 1 year and a half. I could go out with someone 2 or 3 years younger who's more likely to have greater chances of not having had any relationships but how can i find those guys?

 

I feel like an idiot having to be a burden to my boyfriend. I feel like people like me should be single forever and die alone

Edited December 7, 2013 by mschocolat

[kassy]

Maybe go talk to your priest or a counsellor about this retroactive jealousy.

 

From someone who is a decade older. Each time you date someone you care about/love everything is special. The first kiss is awesome, it's like never having kissed before. It is exciting and new and special.

 

If this is something you can't get passed... It may be tough for you, most people have a past of some sort... As you do now.

 

It sounds like he hasn't done anything to deserve your jealousy... I may be wrong but from what you have said he sounds like someone worth sorting out your issues to be with. These are your issues. They are common ones for people who are with their first lover. You can likely get past this, and I suggest you do seek help to see if you can.

 

I generally don't advocate marrying the first person you date as I feel you grow a lot with different relationships. However, given your beliefs, religion and what you wrote about your boyfriend. I think in this case you sound like a good match and while you may want to break up over something else, this is an issue you need to resolve or it will affect you in any relationship you have

[mschocolat]

Maybe go talk to your priest or a counsellor about this retroactive jealousy.

 

From someone who is a decade older. Each time you date someone you care about/love everything is special. The first kiss is awesome, it's like never having kissed before. It is exciting and new and special.

 

If this is something you can't get passed... It may be tough for you, most people have a past of some sort... As you do now.

 

It sounds like he hasn't done anything to deserve your jealousy... I may be wrong but from what you have said he sounds like someone worth sorting out your issues to be with. These are your issues. They are common ones for people who are with their first lover. You can likely get past this, and I suggest you do seek help to see if you can.

 

I generally don't advocate marrying the first person you date as I feel you grow a lot with different relationships. However, given your beliefs, religion and what you wrote about your boyfriend. I think in this case you sound like a good match and while you may want to break up over something else, this is an issue you need to resolve or it will affect you in any relationship you have

 

Thanks for your response. I can't really say i have a past. My past is him and he is still present and hopefully future too.

I hate the idea of going from one guy to another just to find someone who matches you because i don't believe in soulmate. I believe that we are individuals and bound to be different and it is up to the couple to figure out and solve what their problem is because they love each other.

He's a very patient person as to deal with this and seeing this as 'our' problem and he wants to fix this not running away from it.

I feel like a horrible person yet every time i think about how he has kissed and had intimate relationship with someone else, my head is about to explode.

[ChessPieceFace]

You say you are a Christian - if that is true then it's time to start acting like one. The bible tells you to be forgiving, to not judge, and to believe in the power of god to change people. _I_ may not really have that perspective anymore, but as a Christian you should. You have to make a choice as to whether you will follow your faith or not.

 

My own perspective -- I'm not trusting. At all. I would have a hard time with a girl with that kind of past, and would always be scrutinizing. Nevertheless, I do know that faith and belief are very powerful things (regardless of whether god is actually involved in them or not), and certainly can change people.

[kassy]

He may be treating it as 'our' problem. I am telling you it is your problem. Why, because he can't do anything to change it. He can't go back in time before he met you. Only you can come to terms with this, all he can and seems to be doing is be patient and supportive.

 

I was saying if you broke up with him over this and found someone with no past, then the roles would be reversed as you would then have a past from dating this man. Which may or may not be an issue for your new partner.

 

You never said if you would go and see someone about this. It is the sort of thing that I think can be dealt with best by seeking external help. Due to religion being a big part of your life surely there is something at church that can provide a way for you to talk to someone about this?

 

If you are going crazy about this you need to deal with this properly, otherwise it will almost certainly ruin your relationship

[mschocolat]

You say you are a Christian - if that is true then it's time to start acting like one. The bible tells you to be forgiving, to not judge, and to believe in the power of god to change people. _I_ may not really have that perspective anymore, but as a Christian you should. You have to make a choice as to whether you will follow your faith or not.

 

My own perspective -- I'm not trusting. At all. I would have a hard time with a girl with that kind of past, and would always be scrutinizing. Nevertheless, I do know that faith and belief are very powerful things (regardless of whether god is actually involved in them or not), and certainly can change people.

 

There is a difference between forgiving and forgiving the person then accepting and moving on. I'm not trying to change anyone here. I'm only trying to overcome my problem. Essentially, it is not for me to forgive him but God does. All I can do is be Christ-like and forgive but decide whether I can really cope with this or not.

[mschocolat]

He may be treating it as 'our' problem. I am telling you it is your problem. Why, because he can't do anything to change it. He can't go back in time before he met you. Only you can come to terms with this, all he can and seems to be doing is be patient and supportive.

 

I was saying if you broke up with him over this and found someone with no past, then the roles would be reversed as you would then have a past from dating this man. Which may or may not be an issue for your new partner.

 

You never said if you would go and see someone about this. It is the sort of thing that I think can be dealt with best by seeking external help. Due to religion being a big part of your life surely there is something at church that can provide a way for you to talk to someone about this?

 

If you are going crazy about this you need to deal with this properly, otherwise it will almost certainly ruin your relationship

 

He's saying it's 'our' problem because this problem is affecting our relationship. He basically meaning that whatever the problem is, he will be next to me and go through it together and try to help as much as he can.

 

At the moment, I do not know a priest whom i can talk about my personal problems. Maybe soon... I'd love to go see a Christian relationship counsellor but I cannot afford it at the moment. I'm only trying to solve it myself depending on forums like this and really want to believe that this is something superficial that I can overcome myself.

 

Yes, i'm aware of the role reversal. As long as that someone may be okay with my past, I'd happy. I can't speak for whoever that person is but hopefully he won't have the same problem i'm having now.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Thanks for your response. I can't really say i have a past. My past is him and he is still present and hopefully future too.

I hate the idea of going from one guy to another just to find someone who matches you because i don't believe in soulmate. I believe that we are individuals and bound to be different and it is up to the couple to figure out and solve what their problem is because they love each other.

He's a very patient person as to deal with this and seeing this as 'our' problem and he wants to fix this not running away from it.

I feel like a horrible person yet every time i think about how he has kissed and had intimate relationship with someone else, my head is about to explode.

 

You shouldn't feel like a horrible person, people are typically messing around with little respect for their bodies and their love lives, and quite honestly don't put as much thought into it as they'd like you to believe, sometimes it's just a careless fling, a fleeting crush that dies down eventually and other times they may actually care about the person but chances are in many situations with someone who is sexually active most of those were not entirely "special" by far at the end of the day...it does depend a bit on the person, but as you get older it's going to be even harder to contend with people's pasts.

 

Basically you're with someone who has different values, it's an incompatibility, however with your standard in today's world...unless you're part of a really conservative community you are not going to find many that have not at least kissed a woman...but they are out there, even time to time on these forums, unfortunately that's not usually by choice but by lack of ability or options. But those are your values and standards that you're having to change, essentially because of someone else past...I wouldn't call that jealousy.

 

Take for example this hypothetical situation that's an extreme for obvious transparency..

 

Let's say your father or someone close to you that you loved dearly and always knew as a kind gentle soul, however it came out recently that 10 years ago they raped, pillaged and killed 100 women and children in some small town out in the middle of nowhere during a war they were in...it was rough, there was a lot of stress naturally and in war morality can slip and become a very loosely defined line because the emotional and mental state of mind they are in...

 

So now you just found out about this right, your whole world is flipped upside down because the person you know and see everyday is completely different and without that knowledge you would have never guessed they were anything but that...they're a loving person and all of that good stuff.

 

Now their reaction is extreme guilt and repentance, they've tried to erase and forget the "past"...they say things were different at that time, they were in a different head space...it was 10 years ago and now they've changed...and yourself who is filled with an emotional attachment although if it was anyone else it'd be easy to make a decision on, yet because of your emotional attachment you want to be forgiving and empathetic to the suffering he's endured for his actions...YOU don't want to or can't stop loving them even though it's hard because they've committed an act that you reject and feel is completely out of your values and something you could never do or have done. You're obviously going to be conflicted.

 

So are you "retroactively jealous" because you do not agree or respect a part of someone's past based on your own values? do you feel it is your responsibility to get "over it" because that's now your problem because of the way you feel about it? Yet now you feel like a horrible person because you cannot forgive someone or get past something they have done to themselves, they made the choice, they were there...that is their responsibility and accountability to own, but maybe if you were in their shoes those 100 women and children would all have still been alive.

 

People are typically ok with their past until someone comes along and shames them for it, tells them they are wrong and should feel bad about it...otherwise some people change because they realize it wasn't fulfilling their needs anymore not for anyone else.

 

Will you meet another guy who has zero history with women? it's possible...should you give this guy a chance because he's willing to go through all of this to still marry you? maybe...but that's life, you never know anything for sure, everything is a risk...a lot of people do make choices out of fear of never finding someone again however.

 

The choice is yours..it's not your responsibility to accept his past and it's not your responsibility to punish him for it either...it's his own, his repentance doesn't change his actions in the past...so if you don't feel comfortable with it then move on. Of course it's going to be hard, what's the point of life if everything was easy? sure you can work through your problems with anyone you "love" but you'll realize later on in life that "love" is not so easy or even what you thought it was...your religion will dictate much of your values and ideals in that respect, unfortunately that is against my own personal beliefs and I do not believe being forced to follow a set of rules based on how I feel, I'm very independent in my views and beliefs because of based them on how I feel and what I believe is the truth and best interest for my own values and beliefs.

 

I personally think you need more time and experience to move forward in this relationship, you're very young and idealistic, and if you're trying to do things according to your religion it might be best to seek a mentor (or use a christian forum) through that establishment since that is the structure you are choosing to live your life and potential marriage under.

[mschocolat]

You shouldn't feel like a horrible person, people are typically messing around with little respect for their bodies and their love lives, and quite honestly don't put as much thought into it as they'd like you to believe, sometimes it's just a careless fling, a fleeting crush that dies down eventually and other times they may actually care about the person but chances are in many situations with someone who is sexually active most of those were not entirely "special" by far at the end of the day...it does depend a bit on the person, but as you get older it's going to be even harder to contend with people's pasts.

 

Basically you're with someone who has different values, it's an incompatibility, however with your standard in today's world...unless you're part of a really conservative community you are not going to find many that have not at least kissed a woman...but they are out there, even time to time on these forums, unfortunately that's not usually by choice but by lack of ability or options. But those are your values and standards that you're having to change, essentially because of someone else past...I wouldn't call that jealousy.

 

Take for example this hypothetical situation that's an extreme for obvious transparency..

 

Let's say your father or someone close to you that you loved dearly and always knew as a kind gentle soul, however it came out recently that 10 years ago they raped, pillaged and killed 100 women and children in some small town out in the middle of nowhere during a war they were in...it was rough, there was a lot of stress naturally and in war morality can slip and become a very loosely defined line because the emotional and mental state of mind they are in...

 

So now you just found out about this right, your whole world is flipped upside down because the person you know and see everyday is completely different and without that knowledge you would have never guessed they were anything but that...they're a loving person and all of that good stuff.

 

Now their reaction is extreme guilt and repentance, they've tried to erase and forget the "past"...they say things were different at that time, they were in a different head space...it was 10 years ago and now they've changed...and yourself who is filled with an emotional attachment although if it was anyone else it'd be easy to make a decision on, yet because of your emotional attachment you want to be forgiving and empathetic to the suffering he's endured for his actions...YOU don't want to or can't stop loving them even though it's hard because they've committed an act that you reject and feel is completely out of your values and something you could never do or have done. You're obviously going to be conflicted.

 

So are you "retroactively jealous" because you do not agree or respect a part of someone's past based on your own values? do you feel it is your responsibility to get "over it" because that's now your problem because of the way you feel about it? Yet now you feel like a horrible person because you cannot forgive someone or get past something they have done to themselves, they made the choice, they were there...that is their responsibility and accountability to own, but maybe if you were in their shoes those 100 women and children would all have still been alive.

 

People are typically ok with their past until someone comes along and shames them for it, tells them they are wrong and should feel bad about it...otherwise some people change because they realize it wasn't fulfilling their needs anymore not for anyone else.

 

Will you meet another guy who has zero history with women? it's possible...should you give this guy a chance because he's willing to go through all of this to still marry you? maybe...but that's life, you never know anything for sure, everything is a risk...a lot of people do make choices out of fear of never finding someone again however.

 

The choice is yours..it's not your responsibility to accept his past and it's not your responsibility to punish him for it either...it's his own, his repentance doesn't change his actions in the past...so if you don't feel comfortable with it then move on. Of course it's going to be hard, what's the point of life if everything was easy? sure you can work through your problems with anyone you "love" but you'll realize later on in life that "love" is not so easy or even what you thought it was...your religion will dictate much of your values and ideals in that respect, unfortunately that is against my own personal beliefs and I do not believe being forced to follow a set of rules based on how I feel, I'm very independent in my views and beliefs because of based them on how I feel and what I believe is the truth and best interest for my own values and beliefs.

 

I personally think you need more time and experience to move forward in this relationship, you're very young and idealistic, and if you're trying to do things according to your religion it might be best to seek a mentor (or use a christian forum) through that establishment since that is the structure you are choosing to live your life and potential marriage under.

 

Thank you for the your thoughtful response.

Honestly, my stance and my point of you probably has nothing much to do with my religion. My religion may play some kind of role in it but my ideal relationship is what i have shaped. It could be because a lot of people around me married their first girlfriend/boyfriend including my own parents and they are very happy where they are.

 

I have never thought of how someone's past could affect me this much until I got into a relationship and started liking him more and more and realised we love each other. That's when it seriously started to bother me. He has told me from the very beginning of our relationship that he's had a past including sexual past. I did not think much of it because I took the relationship pretty casually and was just being myself and trying to discover each other.

 

I feel like his past is a threat to our intimacy. I know i'm saying this in a totally wrong way but it is like a bitter feeling of kissing someone who's been 'used' and who will never be 'new' to me and those experiences will never be 'new' with me for him. That's why it hurts. Simply put, it's wanting a total ownership of someone, having to be both of our first experience in everything because that feels more special to me.

 

I have been on 2 different Christians forums actually asking similar question and I'd say the answers about the same as here because the problem lies in my opinion of the past not what my religion tells me.

[RedRobin]

Hi OP,

 

I'm a lot older than you but am having a similar problem... in that I haven't done a lot of the things that men in my age group have done...

 

Not financially... sexually... drug-related... criminal behavior... and even educationally and career-wise. I'm very responsible in all of those areas... lots of guys I come across have made some poor choices in one or more of those areas when I haven't.

 

So, to avoid the prospect of being alone forever trying to find someone exactly like me... I'm compelled to keep it very simple... which is my core values.

 

Underneath all of those outward behaviors you see (your BFs sexual sin, as you say) are motivating factors we call values.... and character.

 

Some people have the blessings of a family or environment where they are given the opportunity to have their values shaped lovingly... and with clear focus on the possible consequences. Not everyone has that luxury. Some people come to their values through life experience.

 

I can sometimes look past situations and experiences that were transient and not done with bad intent. What I can't look past are behaviors that are long-standing, involve dishonesty, or cause repeated hurt or pain to others.

 

Yes, some people do 'recover' from past bad choices, but it is always a risk. If I'm going to take a risk on someone, it is someone who at least has a loving heart and can demonstrate they are making better choices now.

 

Not with me as their policeman or parent... more as someone who wants to take the walk of life with another person who truly shares my values and outlook on life. That they aren't just telling me what I want to hear in order to get MY love without offering care for me too.

 

Perhaps this is where things sort out for you and your BF. What is his heart made of? Did he just use those women, or did he care for them? If he hurt someone, did he feel bad about it? Or did he try to make amends and change his behavior?

 

These are important things to know... because trust me, even if you found the perfect person who (on the outside) had the same behaviors as you... they may not have the same motivations or values.

[mschocolat]

Because he is your first , you may feel like he is the one and this is so special etc.

 

But the thing is those feelings may not be true.

And its just because you experience it for the first time.

 

Thats why first time kissing and sex should be with your husband.

Otherwise it stands in your way of seeing the real deal and seeing what is going on.

 

Its great that you want to wait till marriage. Which is the best thing to do.

But i think if that is what you want you should live a life with God that support you in that 2. like the things you watch and read, the people you join and be friends with , things you do in your freetime etc.

Like kissing is a way of preparing you for intercourse.

Often things dont stay just by kissing, because bodys warm up and people may start doing other stuff 2. and before you know you end up having sex.

 

I also think its better for you to just be friends with the person you like.

And if you think he is a match you can tell your parents and start

having family dinners with his family and yours etc.

So you can get to know him etc.

Because jumping into it just because you are in love, often ends up you wasting a lot of time etc. and once you are not inlove anymore you may see that he is really not the one for you.

 

And if someone tell you he is willing to wait till marriage.

I think he have to want it because he is a converted Christian to and want to obey God , and not just for me.

And it have to be shown true his action. Is he keep asking you to meet at night or lonely places to be alone with you

?Is he keep asking you to let him touch you certain way? etc.

 

And maybe you should talk about it with your parents if they are Christians or with a female elderly at the church.\

And read Christian books. And for shore have a close relationship with God.

Because guys will come around so they can just get you in bed because you are virgin.

And dont go around telling everyone you are a virgin. That will work against you!

Only person that have to know that is God and the men that before the altar with you to make you his wife.

 

One great book is the book named : We have only just begun. From the writer Nancy van Pelt.

 

Thank you.

No, he has never put me in an uncomfortable situation, he might initiate some things but he will never push me into it if i express discomfort.

He has all my respect and trust whether people on here believe it or not.

We are not using each other, we are serious and committed enough to tackle problems in a mature way just like in marriage.

I feel that if only i could get rid of this problem, i'd be so happy with him and i cannot ask for anyone better. My friends have heard and seen how he acts and how he thinks and how he talks to me(even when arguing about something) and they have approved that he's definitely a guy worth being with. I can see it too.

 

I really don't know what to do with myself. My sleeping pattern is totally off because i'm trying to distract myself from thinking about it.

[mschocolat]

Hi OP,

 

I'm a lot older than you but am having a similar problem... in that I haven't done a lot of the things that men in my age group have done...

 

Not financially... sexually... drug-related... criminal behavior... and even educationally and career-wise. I'm very responsible in all of those areas... lots of guys I come across have made some poor choices in one or more of those areas when I haven't.

 

So, to avoid the prospect of being alone forever trying to find someone exactly like me... I'm compelled to keep it very simple... which is my core values.

 

Underneath all of those outward behaviors you see (your BFs sexual sin, as you say) are motivating factors we call values.... and character.

 

Some people have the blessings of a family or environment where they are given the opportunity to have their values shaped lovingly... and with clear focus on the possible consequences. Not everyone has that luxury. Some people come to their values through life experience.

 

I can sometimes look past situations and experiences that were transient and not done with bad intent. What I can't look past are behaviors that are long-standing, involve dishonesty, or cause repeated hurt or pain to others.

 

Yes, some people do 'recover' from past bad choices, but it is always a risk. If I'm going to take a risk on someone, it is someone who at least has a loving heart and can demonstrate they are making better choices now.

 

Not with me as their policeman or parent... more as someone who wants to take the walk of life with another person who truly shares my values and outlook on life. That they aren't just telling me what I want to hear in order to get MY love without offering care for me too.

 

Perhaps this is where things sort out for you and your BF. What is his heart made of? Did he just use those women, or did he care for them? If he hurt someone, did he feel bad about it? Or did he try to make amends and change his behavior?

 

These are important things to know... because trust me, even if you found the perfect person who (on the outside) had the same behaviors as you... they may not have the same motivations or values.

 

 

He told me that he sometimes regrets being too honest with me because he believes that could have led to this problem. I don't blame him though. I'd rather be killed with the truth than living on cloud 9 with lies.

 

He lost his virginity because he was drunk and he went out with the person for 2 or 3 months. Then he met another one whom he went out for about 1 year 2 months which was very rocky and had broken several times and he saw the break up coming. He said he was way over it even before it ended. The ex actually cheated on him couple of times (he heard from his friends that they saw her with other guys) and once he found out, he decided just not to contact her but she contacted him so he went along with it. That's the kind of story.

[RedRobin]

Thank you for the information...

 

I'm also a person who wants to know. Not to punish someone, but to determine if we are really compatible and sort things out before a commitment is made.

 

In any case, lies told always come out eventually. So it is good that he shared these things with you.

 

So, going to the heart of the matter here... What is his family like? How do they view physical intimacy? I'd be more concerned about his getting drunk and what he does in that state more than the fact that he had sex.

 

Then, with his second GF, he 'went along with it' because she contacted him?

 

Ok, I think I understand better what the issue is... he has poor boundaries. This would concern me more than the fact that he had sex with someone.

 

This is what I mean... you may find a guy who has never kissed or slept with a girl before you, but it wasn't because of his values... but only because the opportunity hadn't presented itself for whatever reason...

 

If I were you, I'd find out what exactly made him feel bad about past behaviors. Did he hurt someone? Was he hurt? How did that shape his opinion and what actions is he taking not to put himself in those situations again?

 

and the drinking... is he still doing that? I realize some young people don't know their limits... Did he change that too?

[mschocolat]

As Jesus forgiveth you your sins.

You have to forgive him 2.

 

You may not sleep around and before marriage.

But jet there are other things you do and did that are sin 2.

 

Sleeping before marriage is not the only sin that a person can commit.

 

Dont you want God, and others to forgive you 2, when you do wrong?

 

And i agree with @redrobin, you should look now more at what kind of guy he is now.

And how he was to woman.

Because that shows also in who he maybe to you.

 

And i would suggest a STD test also before you sleep with him.

So you dont end up with surprises of STD,S after honeymoon.

 

It's not that i cannot forgive him and it really is not for me to forgive but God.

I have no problem as to who he is to me and who he is now.

He's done the test twice and there was nothing wrong. And even if he did, the symptoms would've shown by now because it was probably more than 2 years ago since he had sex.

[mschocolat]

Thank you for the information...

 

I'm also a person who wants to know. Not to punish someone, but to determine if we are really compatible and sort things out before a commitment is made.

 

In any case, lies told always come out eventually. So it is good that he shared these things with you.

 

So, going to the heart of the matter here... What is his family like? How do they view physical intimacy? I'd be more concerned about his getting drunk and what he does in that state more than the fact that he had sex.

 

Then, with his second GF, he 'went along with it' because she contacted him?

 

Ok, I think I understand better what the issue is... he has poor boundaries. This would concern me more than the fact that he had sex with someone.

 

This is what I mean... you may find a guy who has never kissed or slept with a girl before you, but it wasn't because of his values... but only because the opportunity hadn't presented itself for whatever reason...

 

If I were you, I'd find out what exactly made him feel bad about past behaviors. Did he hurt someone? Was he hurt? How did that shape his opinion and what actions is he taking not to put himself in those situations again?

 

and the drinking... is he still doing that? I realize some young people don't know their limits... Did he change that too?

 

He know his limits and he rarely gets drunk. Even if he does, he would be at home talking to me on the phone or something. He firmly believes that he made a mistake and do not intend it to happen ever again and I'm his first true love he says. I think his past relationships has definitely been an infatuation. At the moment, it would be too rude for me to ask his family about their opinion on premarital sex. I have only met his mum briefly but both of our family members and friends know about us dating and how serious we are. We are planning on meeting each other's family very soon.

I might bring it up when it becomes appropriate but at the same time, i guess i could ask my boyfriend what his family thinks about it.

 

He says he learnt from his past mistakes. He probably is a different person (his attitude and thought wise) now compared to who he was back then.

He has never brought up the past to me since the last time(the very beginning of our relationship) he told me about his past. I am always the one to bring it up and make up scenarios in my head and get upset at him which is so stupid of me.

 

He says he never thinks about it therefore it's now a faded memory which happened but almost non-existant in his mind.

[mschocolat]

Is it not on us to forgive each other 2?

 

Then Peter came and said to Him, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times ?" 22 Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. 23

(read Matthew 18:21-35)

 

Its on us to forgive each other 2. im surprise you say that its only on to God. and not onto you as a Christian.

 

I dont see what is your problem then if its not about his past.

 

Beside you can easily look for someone that is virgin 2.

But that is not everything someone need to have to be a good husband.

 

That's a great point.

I'm not saying i cannot forgive him. I can and I did in my mind but ultimately God will be the judge of what he's done.

I'm also not saying i'm a perfect person and that i have never committed a sin in my life. God sees all kinds of sin as having the same sinful value to it but for now and for me, I personally find adultery and sexual sin as the most grave sin. I actually don't even see it as a sin. It's one's distorted view of sex and the fact that their morale is wrong. I just happened to put a greater value in one's intimacy (because it's so sacred and personal) that it's something that should be only shared between husband and wife.

 

Not all people who are sexually active before marriage aren't bad people either. My boyfriend certainly is not a bad person and if a person is a Christian and still a virgin but has evil mind, that person is only evil in my eyes.

It's just me trying to cope and come to a realisation that person i have fallen in love with doesn't meet some requirements of what i was looking for in my ultimate ideal man.

[WhoreyBull]

This isn't really "his stupid effing past", rather your "stupid effing jealousy".

He dated people before, so what? If you wanted someone who never kissed someone else you should have specifically looked for it.

You are hurting someone you are supoosed to love because he didn't obey your "rules" before you even met.

Get over yorself or you could blow this. He is seeing you now, not them.

Don't get on his back unless you can prove he is cheating you now. Seeing other people before you even met is not cheating. I understand your religion's impact on your relationships, and that is fine, but you cannot hold a normal past against someone. You have taken different paths in life. Forget the past, where he was loyal to someone else as I am sure he will be to you (unless you keep this up), now is all that matters in this case. Don't throw him under the bus for living his life.

[RedRobin]

This isn't really "his stupid effing past", rather your "stupid effing jealousy".

He dated people before, so what? If you wanted someone who never kissed someone else you should have specifically looked for it.

You are hurting someone you are supoosed to love because he didn't obey your "rules" before you even met.

Get over yorself or you could blow this. He is seeing you now, not them.

Don't get on his back unless you can prove he is cheating you now. Seeing other people before you even met is not cheating. I understand your religion's impact on your relationships, and that is fine, but you cannot hold a normal past against someone. You have taken different paths in life. Forget the past, where he was loyal to someone else as I am sure he will be to you (unless you keep this up), now is all that matters in this case. Don't throw him under the bus for living his life.

 

She has every right to decide if his past is acceptable to her.

 

You'll just have to accept that men aren't given a free ticket to do whatever they want sexually... not all women are going to be ok with it and say the 'past is the past'.

[mschocolat]

This isn't really "his stupid effing past", rather your "stupid effing jealousy".

He dated people before, so what? If you wanted someone who never kissed someone else you should have specifically looked for it.

You are hurting someone you are supoosed to love because he didn't obey your "rules" before you even met.

Get over yorself or you could blow this. He is seeing you now, not them.

Don't get on his back unless you can prove he is cheating you now. Seeing other people before you even met is not cheating. I understand your religion's impact on your relationships, and that is fine, but you cannot hold a normal past against someone. You have taken different paths in life. Forget the past, where he was loyal to someone else as I am sure he will be to you (unless you keep this up), now is all that matters in this case. Don't throw him under the bus for living his life.

 

I have pointed out before that my ideal relationship has not been shaped by my religion but rather myself.

It is not because i don't understand what you are saying.

Much easier said than done.

 

I also pointed out the fact that he is my FIRST boyfriend EVER in my whole 24 years of life after not having had any dates, kisses, holding hands, cuddling etc.

I find it very hard to come in terms with it because he has done all of it with someone else before me. I only wanted to share those first experiences with someone same as me.

But then again, I did not choose to fall in love with him. You don't really choose who you love when it comes to relationship. It just happens. I did not plan neither did I know that we would come this far.

[WhoreyBull]

Then date someone who hasn't done anything.

Either get over it or get out. Things won't go well if you date someone you resent.

[runningfar]

She has every right to decide if his past is acceptable to her.

 

You'll just have to accept that men aren't given a free ticket to do whatever they want sexually... not all women are going to be ok with it and say the 'past is the past'.

 

Well, sure she does.

 

You can make all kinds of choices rather than accepting your issues and dealing with them.

Is this what will result in the most happiness for her long term, though? That is very much not likely to be the case.

Is this the best match of her professed Christianity given his consideration of it as a mistake and having since accepted Jesus? (Regardless of my personal beliefs on it, I am quite familiar with the doctrine because I was raised within it.) It doesn't seem to be at all.

 

I can choose that I will not date anybody that does not make at least 500k a year. That would be my choice. It is a good choice, just because I could make it? Would dumping my fiancé who I love who does not meet those standards be a good choice? No.

 

I would give the same advice to a man worried about a women's past as I do here:

Confront your jealousy over something that cannot be changed and come to peace with it. Talk to your pastor together if that would help.

Also, consider, if you believe so strongly in god, is what you planned for your life really valid? If you felt guided to this man (you said you could not help who you loved), and he is a good influence and not providing any pressure away from god or your morality, maybe you are intended to be that force in his life. *shrug* The way I was taught, anyhow, we cannot complain if life leads us elsewhere than what we decided but embrace it and be strong and good. It's one of the tenants I actually consider worthwhile from a purely philosophical standpoint for happiness.

Edited December 9, 2013 by runningfar

[mschocolat]

Well, sure she does.

 

You can make all kinds of choices rather than accepting your issues and dealing with them.

Is this what will result in the most happiness for her long term, though? That is very much not likely to be the case.

Is this the best match of her professed Christianity given his consideration of it as a mistake and having since accepted Jesus? (Regardless of my personal beliefs on it, I am quite familiar with the doctrine because I was raised within it.) It doesn't seem to be at all.

 

I can choose that I will not date anybody that does not make at least 500k a year. That would be my choice. It is a good choice, just because I could make it? Would dumping my fiancé who I love who does not meet those standards be a good choice? No.

 

I would give the same advice to a man worried about a women's past as I do here:

Confront your jealousy over something that cannot be changed and come to peace with it. Talk to your pastor together if that would help.

Also, consider, if you believe so strongly in god, is what you planned for your life really valid? If you felt guided to this man (you said you could not help who you loved), and he is a good influence and not providing any pressure away from god or your morality, maybe you are intended to be that force in his life. *shrug* The way I was taught, anyhow, we cannot complain if life leads us elsewhere than what we decided but embrace it and be strong and good. It's one of the tenants I actually consider worthwhile from a purely philosophical standpoint for happiness.

 

I think you understand my point of you.

Yes i don't want to just throw away what we have because of this reason. I'm very well aware that this is retroactive jealousy and its irrational nature. Yet, you cannot help feeling irrational. I guess that's what retroactive jealousy sufferers have in common. I feel like i will develop depression if i had to break up after all this. I was given some contact details of nuns and other religious orders by a close friend of mine. I'm hoping they will be able to help me in more effective way than i'm trying to do by myself

[mschocolat]

Then date someone who hasn't done anything.

Either get over it or get out. Things won't go well if you date someone you resent.

 

Ps: thanks for your words of discomfort and frustration. Very well received. Good luck with your life