I bought my plaine tickets, 10 days before the flight he asked to have a break !

[Nilyunil]

Hello everybody,

My story is kind of crazy. We have been dating for almost 9 months. From the first moment we fell in love and dated for 4 months. In the end of this 4 months, he had to go to another country for one semester study and i had to go back to my own country. We decided to make a long distance relationship. But one week before the semester he came to my country for one week and we had a great time and fell in love even more. At first the skype relationship was going well but in time it started to put so much stress on us, our arguments started to increase. But after each time we were doing peace, apologising and just making plans to visit eachother. I bought my ticket to visit him and he was soo happy and excited. It is a big sacrifice because i am going to south africa from cyprus !!! I have paid a fortune, sorry to say but it put me in kind of financial crysis but he told me that he will help me with finance when i go there to visit him. I usually dont care money issues with people, i consider usually my money is ours.

The last 30 days before the meeting we started to countdown but in these weeks we also argued a lot, the arguments were mostly about cultural differences for me. I also understood my mistakes now, but he said to me that we dont fit but he loves me so much.

Then the last 2 weeks period came, he was cold, but still caring. I was asking him what is the problem, you dont have any hope, .... I did all the girl mistakes unfortunately ;(

Then he said he can not lie to me anymore, he is feeling so miserable all the time, he can not take this anymore and he is confused and he told me, he is not able to make me happy. He wanted to break and asked me if i come there as a normal friend. He told me he has to think about his own and be selfish and told not to have contact some days.

At that time my eyes get in tears but i told him i show respect to your decision. He even told me that he is going on holiday till i come with friends.. The time we broke up, he went on holidays and i had to write exams..

After 2 days of no contact i called him inorder to fix the holiday plan and when i phoned him i talked normal and nice, just like talking to a friend about holiday plan. I had to call him because he left the end open about going to africa and my parents asked me to fix this because the flight ticket can not be changed or returned, if i dont go there it means to throw the 1200 euros in to trash.. But i also told him that the email he waited from a man in my country has arrived and i asked weather he is interested in making an internship in my country or not. Before he wanted to come to my country to make an internship. He said yes i want to come there you can send me the email of that man. After the phone call he sent me the journey plan and asked me how i was doing, could i write my exams and so on. I didnt answer these questions but just have written him the email of that man and told him i will be happy helping you if you need any help with that internship thing.

No answer, then the other he just has sent me an email telling me which clothes i should bring with me. And he has written he will go on the second trip and he wont have so much internet there. He told me he will write me on the next wednesday when he is coming back from the trip and will ask me to skype. I answered thank you very much, i was going to ask you this and the climate. No answer came to that email,

and lastly i sent him an sms asking only as a friend that "i would be happy if you could take pictures for me from the funeral event of nelson mandela because i am going to miss it with one day". No answer to this.

 

People i ask you how to behave when i go there to africa, we last saw eachother in the end of july. We loved eacohter so much, we were sending eachother presents from our countries, postcards and so. I was doing for him movies, singing, i can play piano, guitar very good and violin a little, I know i have been too panic in the last weeks. I am so sorry for that, i told this to him also when he wanted to break with me. He told me he does not want to give a decision that he will regret and therefore i should go there and we should meet. But he told me i sould come if i can as a friend.

 

I am so sad, what do you advice me really ? And thank you all for reading my story.

[justwhoiam]

I don't know what you should do, but I guess I would tell him: I will meet you on the first day, and then decide if we can be just friends, and if not, we will only meet THAT day.

[Nilyunil]

Thank you very much for your answer, the problem is all the trip was organized by him both of us 2.. ;( we were planning this trip since september !! And i am going there now, i dont have any other choise, i have also a meeting in the pretoria university with a proffesor.. I dont want to call him before wednesday, he told me he will write me on wednesday when he is coming back from the trip. Actually i dont know what to talk in skype.. Do you think is there a chance to reunite or should i just move on? I somehow can not feel anything about what will happen but it is the best way i guess to enjoy africa which will be first in my life time and probably the only time, it is an amazing opportunity..

[soccerrprp]

Wow, sorry to hear this. I must tell you that his wanting to be friends may still involve having sex with you. He may not make the decision to break until the latter part of the visit when he's had sex and knows that you will be leaving, never to be in his life again. I'm not saying that this will happen, but be prepared if he has an interest in having sex despite he wanting to be friends.

 

It's also absolutely absurd of him to suggest that you bring a friend along. He should know that it's cost prohibitive let alone impractical to suddenly visit a friend along thousands of miles away.

 

Will you be staying with him the entire time? Make certain you talk about boundaries. Especially if he wants to be friends...friends don't have sex. This will be tough for you. You can't just throw away 1200 euros, but you find yourself visiting someone who hasn't been entirely honest with you and is looking to sever the relationship. I wonder how much he will do with you so that you can make this 1200 euro trip to africa worth it?

 

Ugh. Sorry can't be helpful. Good luck.

[Nilyunil]

Hey really thank you for the comment. Sorry my english is not my first language. He did not ask me to bring a friend, he told me "you come if you manage to be friends", i mean "come here as a friend".. Well i wont have sex with him ofcourse, i dont feel that, i have self respect and pride. The problem is we have been planning this trip fro almost 3 months, he arranged all, because he is studying there, he knows everything with south africa and i dont have any clue ;( so i am kind of bound to him there and the trip will be three weeks !! Ufff,

And just before 10 days from the flight he broke up amd told these.. I have asked to change the tickets but the company said it is impossible, if i dont go i throw that amount of money + 20 days of yearly permission from my work in to trash !! This is a crazy situation for me. I will se what happens there, but i think i must be strong and be a normal friend as he wants.. I hope i be strong, the only suspect in my mind is we will be seeing eachother for the first time after july.. And i dont know how am i going to feel..

[writergal]

I am surprised that the airlines didn't let you change the date or destination of your trip. Most airlines do that for a small fee. If you really don't want to go to South Africa to see him, call the airlines and ask again to change the ticket to another destination and later date. Airline tickets are good for 6 months after the purchase date if you agree to postpone the ticket for a fee of $250.

 

Otherwise, go to South Africa to have fun. Once you see each other, you can have the break-up or relationship conversation in real life, face to face. That may change everything. Who knows. A lot can happen in 3 weeks.

[soccerrprp]

You are going to be in a very vulnerable state. He may make every attempt to show you that his feelings are back or put the moves on you thinking that you'll comply, but don't be surprised if sex is something he wants during this time. All the emotions and physical desires may bubble up, but you have to remember that it's all temporary, uncertain at best. Hopefully he will respect you enough to treat you like a guest/friend and show you the town and sites beyond the town. It would be a shame to go all way to Africa and have only planned to stay within the cities.

 

But, be prepared for some ups and downs. He may become very warm to you and later become very cold. Just remember that you are only friends for now. Don't let him take advantage of your emotions, vulnerability.

[writergal]

Here's a link to changing purchased airline tickets. I had to pay $250 to change the date for mine from July to September. It's just one link, but if you call your airlines I'm sure their customer service agents for international flights can explain to you about changing your ticket to another date for a small fee. If that's what you decide that you want to do. Or got o your airline's website. I'm sure the information would be listed there as well.

 

http://support.expedia.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/1397

[Nilyunil]

Hey people really thank you!! I am soo happy to share my story here, i feel a lot better now with your comments. I called the company in my country they said it can not be changed, we tried here, i will check it again from the web link you sent. But there is also one more thing that is making everything more complex, that is, as i knew i will be going there i made arrangements with the law faculty there and now my proffesor from here told me that i need to do an interview there about legal clinics.. So it is kind of 2 days of work visit for me. There fore i will go there i guess, but i really need to keep myself away from his attempts to get closer and remind him that he wanted to be friends.

I am so deeply hurt people. I did so many sacrfices and gave my all effort to this LDR . He has been my guest for 10 days in my country and he wanted to come actully before i have invited, i havent let him pay even one penny, my father gave his car to us and we made trips and so on, i bought him from country so many gifts last weeks.. Now i am also confused to give those expensive gifts to him, a sun glass, cotton clothes, journey toilet bag full with natural lorel soaps, olive soap and lavander shampoos and these things, naturals from my country.. I feel like a stupid. But i will take your advice truely and set a line. That is the biggest thing i need to acchive now and really focus on africa which is really an amazing life time opportunity for me.

Edited December 7, 2013 by Nilyunil
Wrong letters

[writergal]

Okay so when you go, do not stay with your boyfriend. Stay in a separate hotel or youth hostel accommodation so that you can maintain some distance. So if the situation with him becomes tense, you have your own hotel room to go to, where you will be safe. And since you have to do a 2-day law internship interview that also gives you the opportunity to ask the person interviewing you to show you around that area of South Africa if that is possible. Don't make this trip entirely about your boyfriend anymore. He's told you that its over for him, but that will not stop him from trying to have sex with you once he sees you again in person. Don't let him do that. It will be very tempting for you both, but if he doesn't want to be in a long distance relationship with you anymore, then he needs to respect you as a friend.

 

I think that's strange that your country's airlines won't let you pay a fee to use the airline ticket for another time. Oh well. Just be careful on this trip. Take care of yourself.

[Nilyunil]

Thank you very very much really!! I will do that, i need to protect myself yes.. I trust myself and i hope to post you the rest of the story when i am back. It is so amazing that the people i dont know care more about me.. I really thank you all people, i wish you all the best !!!

[justwhoiam]

As soccer said, it's quite probable that he's still very attracted to you... but as writergal wrote, seeing each other and talking to each other in person might change everything.

 

Whatever decision he makes, make sure he's being honest, make him promise it's the truth and that he won't change again once you leave.

 

I'd give him all the presents and although I'd be sad because I couldn't be myself completely (holding back my feelings), I'd be smiling just because I'm around him. So try to be your old self as much as possible, be sexy and plan to just see him one day. He'll have to fight his feelings knowing you're there and not seeing you....... You then have 2 days at uni, and then you can take a safari or join some organized tour. You'll come out of it brilliantly. Smiling, sexy, full of gifts for him... If he needs to break up with you, at least you get out of his life in a classy way. I still think it'll be hard for him.

 

Try not to have any expectations, I know it's not easy. You sure have hopes. I had too when something similar happened to me.

[Itspointless]

I advice you to search for back-up addresses you can go to if it takes to much of you. Such a stay can be hard if you still have strong feelings for the other. My trip to her was only for a few days but took a lot of my energy, even as we did share a good conversation and even some laughs

Edited December 9, 2013 by Itspointless

[carhill]

OP, if you want to post the name of the ticketed airline, I can research options for you. It's what I do

 

I had this happen to me years ago on an international WOVO (write one, visit one) trip. She bailed a week out and I was stuck the same as you. I made lemonade (the best I could do based on the short notice), and dated other women there instead. Worked out great. I was in-country for about a month. Rented an apartment and went local. Knew essentially nothing of the language, so hired an interpreter. Needed to get around so hired a driver. Etc, etc.

 

South Africa is a lot more friendly now than when I was there during apartheid. My vote is go and enjoy and see what happens. Good luck.