3 Year Break up...doing poorly

[MoveAlong]

Hi guys,

This is my first post on LS. I've been reading for a while now. You guys have been so great; although talking to friends and family has helped, this forum really has been amazing.

For me, my ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago. I have maintained nc since the day of the break up. This has been the worst and toughest time of my life as I have been struggling with other things as well. I really still love her so much, and it has been hurting every day. I am trying to maintain my resolve to not contact her as I know that contacting her may not help. I'm sorry if my story isn't pieced well since I'm writing whatever comes to mind.

 

We broke up on "good" terms...she started acting funny 2 weeks before our break up. She seemed distant and didn't want to talk. She had always loved me...and claimed that we would be together, and make it through everything. She had wanted to get married, and I believed her. Anyways, she said that she was confused...didn't know if she still loved me...the distance was hurting..and everything seemed to go down hill. During the two weeks, we had little contact, and it hurt since we used to talk pretty much everyday. We had gone to school together and recently graduated this year. I actually thought she was the one...and now I'm in an emotional roller coaster. Mostly just a large drop (superman?)....

 

She has contacted me since we broke up...once to wish me happy holidays, and once by accident?? It was a text with no words...so I assume she was thinking about me and mistakenly hit send? I wanted in all my heart to say something...truth is..6 weeks may have passed but I am still in love with her. Did I make the right decision? Obviously no right answer, but I am confused. I don't understand because I have gone through so much pain..and I feel so sad..and yet, I still love her? I am also very confused because I don't really understand the breakup. I also don't get why she wouldn't want to know how I was doing. I am lost.

 

I guess I am battling with myself...an internal battle of heart vs brain. My brain is trying to say that it IS over...but my heart wants to hold on and not let go. It's been 6 weeks...isn't that enough time? I'm slipping into a depression, and my friends notice. It's disappointing that I can't pull it together.

 

Please share whatever thoughts you guys may have...thanks!

[MoveAlong]

Writing this out has helped me feel a bit better. I guess sitting down to digest it kind of helps. Tomorrow I have a ton of stuff to do...I have alot of work and need to focus. I figured I'll write some more stuff...

 

So we have always been close. We basically lived together for 3 years...it was awesome. It didn't seem like it would ever end. But her being long distance has kind of changed her...it's like she became a new person. And when we broke up...I acted like a huge B****. I begged and cried like an idiot. As a guy who doesn't seem emotional, I definitely did not have my emotions together. Man I was pathetic and wish I could have taken it back. lol. I guess I am just having trouble accepting that it's over. I need to crush my hopes...because when we broke up..she was all sad and saying stupid stuff...wondering if she made the right decision. In reality, she didn't pick me...I should be angry. I miss her. I shouldn't though.

 

And no matter how many threads I read, I still get thoughts to contact her. The first week of NC was poor...I may not have contacted her..but I talked to her friend. Stupid move. I was trying to get it in my head that it was over. I'm a walking emo person...haha. I guess there are ups and downs...but I want to get over it. I just haven't been able to. I feel kind of distant from everyone. It's weird. I am very extrovert, and love being with my friends. Yet, even when I am with my friends, I haven't been myself.

 

Stuff I will do:

1. Focus on my work

2. Meet more girls...It's been tough because i'm such a depressing person now that I feel like I radiate sadness lol

3. Work out. I stopped working out...and I need to start again.

 

Stuff I need to stop doing because it's pathetic

1. Looking at her facebook. I've decided to remove the stupid app from my phone.

2. I really need to stop thinking about her...this goal is less realistic since it seems like it can't be helped. I think leaving social media out of my life for a while will help...or at least minimal usage.

3. Doing stupid stuff...need to stop drinking/smoking/binge...all these things can be fun but I'm not doing it right...I'm punishing myself. It's dumb.

[Tactical Mind]

Writing this out has helped me feel a bit better. I guess sitting down to digest it kind of helps. Tomorrow I have a ton of stuff to do...I have alot of work and need to focus. I figured I'll write some more stuff...

 

So we have always been close. We basically lived together for 3 years...it was awesome. It didn't seem like it would ever end. But her being long distance has kind of changed her...it's like she became a new person. And when we broke up...I acted like a huge B****. I begged and cried like an idiot. As a guy who doesn't seem emotional, I definitely did not have my emotions together. Man I was pathetic and wish I could have taken it back. lol. I guess I am just having trouble accepting that it's over. I need to crush my hopes...because when we broke up..she was all sad and saying stupid stuff...wondering if she made the right decision. In reality, she didn't pick me...I should be angry. I miss her. I shouldn't though.

 

And no matter how many threads I read, I still get thoughts to contact her. The first week of NC was poor...I may not have contacted her..but I talked to her friend. Stupid move. I was trying to get it in my head that it was over. I'm a walking emo person...haha. I guess there are ups and downs...but I want to get over it. I just haven't been able to. I feel kind of distant from everyone. It's weird. I am very extrovert, and love being with my friends. Yet, even when I am with my friends, I haven't been myself.

 

Stuff I will do:

1. Focus on my work

2. Meet more girls...It's been tough because i'm such a depressing person now that I feel like I radiate sadness lol

3. Work out. I stopped working out...and I need to start again.

 

Stuff I need to stop doing because it's pathetic

1. Looking at her facebook. I've decided to remove the stupid app from my phone.

2. I really need to stop thinking about her...this goal is less realistic since it seems like it can't be helped. I think leaving social media out of my life for a while will help...or at least minimal usage.

3. Doing stupid stuff...need to stop drinking/smoking/binge...all these things can be fun but I'm not doing it right...I'm punishing myself. It's dumb.

 

Dude I'm sorry to hear all that. Things always look up, but give yourself time to vent. Let out your feelings and try to make reason out of what in the relationship just wasn't working out and use that to help give you guidance.

 

My ex of a year ("officially", closer to a year and 8 months) and I broke up not too long ago in September. Long story short, she moved about 3 hours away for school and started pulling the whole "distant/I'm not feeling the same..." act on me. We had a civil argument and it brought us to go our separate ways.

 

What helped me was actually using all the anger I had towards her in creative ways. I started working out more. I started working a new job and continued to apply to others and it helps boost your self-esteem! Getting calls, especially from something like a career/job, helps out and its something that you are doing for yourself. Do things for yourself for a while. Focus on setting long-term goals like paying off debt, reaching that ideal weight or even attempting to become Barney Stinson.

[MoveAlong]

Thanks for the advice. I appreciate you reading/responding to what seems like a long rant in my mind. At the moment, I am extremely busy, and haven't had time to work out. In a week or so, I will be able to start working out. My situation is pretty similar to yours. She is 3 hours away now...and she made all those comments your ex did. I'm trying to remove more things that remind me of her...I have a hard time removing these things because we didn't end poorly, and I reflect upon our relationship as awesome. But like this forum says, the past is the past, and I need to stop dwelling. This has always been an issue in the past...I don't like change, and I don't like moving on. This is good for certain things like work, sports, and being goal oriented, but it's a weakness when it comes to relationships ending. I need to let go.

[LostOne1]

Well I haven't been on this forum in a LONG time now.

 

I wanna give you some feedback.

 

I was too in a 3 yr relationship and it ended on the week of our 3rd anniversary. I know how you feel about thinking she was the one and it would never end.

 

Mines ended when my ex went on a work trip for the summer a few hours away in a new city. She became distant and met a new friend she said. Well after 1 yr of our breakup she is engaged to that guy now. She told me he was just a friend... but I knew better and I guess I right.

 

It's been about a year and half now since our BU and all I can say is it DOES get better. I felt MUCH better after about the 1 year mark of us breaking up.

 

It did suck at first knowing I was with her for 3 yrs and she never talked about getting engaged. And here she meets a new guy she cheats on me with and is already engaged to him in under a 1 yr.

 

And bro, if I can get through ALL that.. then you can for sure too. Honestly, I actually like being single. I hated being tied down to her and all her wants and needs. I finally get to LIVE for MYSELF now. I don't know if I even want to date now?

 

I mean at times it gets lonely, but I just get myself busy with my new career (a change I made after my break up) and I just don't have time for a relationship. In fact my career change has been awesome, it gives me better opportunities, I am almost tripling my yearly earnings and I spend more time with friends and family.

 

You'll get over it in due time and you'll be like me posting here helping others.

 

All the best and hang in there, it does get better!

[KelC411]

Writing this out has helped me feel a bit better. I guess sitting down to digest it kind of helps. Tomorrow I have a ton of stuff to do...I have alot of work and need to focus. I figured I'll write some more stuff...

 

So we have always been close. We basically lived together for 3 years...it was awesome. It didn't seem like it would ever end. But her being long distance has kind of changed her...it's like she became a new person. And when we broke up...I acted like a huge B****. I begged and cried like an idiot. As a guy who doesn't seem emotional, I definitely did not have my emotions together. Man I was pathetic and wish I could have taken it back. lol. I guess I am just having trouble accepting that it's over. I need to crush my hopes...because when we broke up..she was all sad and saying stupid stuff...wondering if she made the right decision. In reality, she didn't pick me...I should be angry. I miss her. I shouldn't though.

 

And no matter how many threads I read, I still get thoughts to contact her. The first week of NC was poor...I may not have contacted her..but I talked to her friend. Stupid move. I was trying to get it in my head that it was over. I'm a walking emo person...haha. I guess there are ups and downs...but I want to get over it. I just haven't been able to. I feel kind of distant from everyone. It's weird. I am very extrovert, and love being with my friends. Yet, even when I am with my friends, I haven't been myself.

 

Stuff I will do:

1. Focus on my work

2. Meet more girls...It's been tough because i'm such a depressing person now that I feel like I radiate sadness lol

3. Work out. I stopped working out...and I need to start again.

 

Stuff I need to stop doing because it's pathetic

1. Looking at her facebook. I've decided to remove the stupid app from my phone.

2. I really need to stop thinking about her...this goal is less realistic since it seems like it can't be helped. I think leaving social media out of my life for a while will help...or at least minimal usage.

3. Doing stupid stuff...need to stop drinking/smoking/binge...all these things can be fun but I'm not doing it right...I'm punishing myself. It's dumb.

 

Hi MoveAlong. I just wanted to say, Im right there with you, if that helps you feel less alone. My 3 yr relationship just ended out of nowhere (to me). We didnt even have any distance stuff to work out. I also acted less than ideally duirng the break up and cried and begged. He looked at me nastily and was like "stop begging." Oof. I miss him so much and constantly want to reach out. No great advice expect that I have seen many people post on here, as your other responses show, that say it gets betters. We just have to walk forward in pain, let ourselves grieve, until we start to be able to pick up the pieces and rebuild ourselves in new and improved ways. I know that doesnt help much. Mostly I wanted to say I am walking this journey with you. *hugs*

[MoveAlong]

LostOne: Thanks man, I appreciate it. I just didn't expect it to happen, and so the break up kind of destroyed my stability. I guess there really would never be a good time though. Is NC the way to go? I haven't responded to her, and I wonder if it's that's the best thing to do. Honestly, I hate hearing from her...if it's not about trying again, I don't want to hear from her. Each message just sets me back. I'm trying to move forward, and it helps to hear from you guys.

 

KelC: Thank you! I'm glad we are in it together. I've been living day by day, and it has been rough; posting my thoughts should help the process of healing. Begging and trying to change the other's person's mind is the worst idea I have had to "win" her back thus far. I completely understand what you dealt with. My ex basically got mad at me, and said some mean comments about how our relationship had not been that great. The mean things also hit me by surprise since she I've never heard that sort of stuff before; it's pretty ironic to me how she had been the one who wanted to get married in the future, and then became the person to throw me away when I was finally ready. Sharing my experience and hearing about yours is going to help me move along and heal.

[MoveAlong]

I just need to write something right now since it's that time of day where I miss my ex. I haven't been using any social media today...that helped.

 

I'm trying to focus on work right now but I can't help thinking about her.

Anyone have suggestions to stay focused? If anyone has something they do to stay focused, that would be very helpful. I have deadlines coming up. Thanks!

[MoveAlong]

My heart and mind are still at war...the former wanting my ex back, and the latter wanting to let go. This feeling of hope inside me has not been crushed despite it having been 6 weeks since BU, and 6 weeks of NC.

 

Please reason with me, and give me the truth. I'm like a broken record...I just need to hear it over and over again.

[777doom]

I think most if not all people get this feeling.

 

I think how well you cope with it does depend on how you broke up, what he/she said, did they say anything to give you this hope or is it all within your own mind?

[MoveAlong]

3 Year relationship ended on "good" terms. We didn't have any apparent problems...she just changed. I suppose part of this hope stems from the fact that she seemed very confused. She also said that maybe we could try again in January or something. I know it's silly to hang onto words but it's also hard to let them go.

[Haydn]

Forget it sonny Jim. Let her come crawling to you. She ended it. If she wants it back then she is the one who has to do all work. Do not contact her. Delete all her numbers etc... It does get better. Hang on.

[MoveAlong]

Thanks for the reply. It just helps to hear it over and over. I'm going to reread this thread when I miss her. Your comments help a lot.

[shorty1988m]

Yeh i went from always having hope that something out of my control would happen that could make us be together.

 

Then i realised if she wanted to be with me she would have tried anyways.

 

Then i realised if she doesn't want me then i don't want her.

 

Now i just don't want her.

[LostConfused123]

My heart and mind are still at war...the former wanting my ex back, and the latter wanting to let go. This feeling of hope inside me has not been crushed despite it having been 6 weeks since BU, and 6 weeks of NC.

 

Please reason with me, and give me the truth. I'm like a broken record...I just need to hear it over and over again.

You and I are on the same NC timeline. So sorry you are here but it's kinda nice to have someone in the same stage of NC.

 

 

I hope that didn't sound awful!

 

 

((hugs!))

[Saurren]

this seems like a sign of the G.I.G.S

[MoveAlong]

I'm trying to stay objective and rational. If she doesn't want me, I shouldn't want her. Yet I'm irrational. Just need to hear it repeatedly...it's over.

 

Lost confused: it's nice knowing we are together and not alone. Thanks for the support! I wish this site had free private messaging.

 

In terms of the gigs..maybe. But we had to go long distance so that had an impact for sure.

[Tactical Mind]

Hey MoveAlong, I'm jotting down notes of my own experience. But definitely keel distant and focus on you.

 

My birthday came in December, we stopped talking since September. She called, we caught up... Had a good laugh and all and ultimately I ended the conversation by thanking her for the call but to not do so anymore. And I made it clear to her that I could not be her friend.

 

She surprisingly agreed and we had an amazing relationship, I'll be happy to say. Now because of that I broke away that need of depency I had on her. She now is the one calling me and texting me. I do really care for her and have maintained small conversations and even shared more occasional laughs and so far I'm keeping this light.

 

Maintain your NC, but use it to learn, reflect, and accept.

 

The best thing I can say is, that person will feel your presence if it was a good breakup. Let them reach out to you, but don't focus all your energy expecting it.

 

I kept memories of her and used them to remind me that good times can still be had, with or without her. Always look in the mirror and tell yourself that you love yourself.

[MoveAlong]

Tactical Mind, thanks- I enjoyed reading what you wrote. The NC is getting easier by the day. I'm actually able to get some things done. This is going to sound counter-intuitive but I am really looking forward to Christmas and the New Year. 2013 sucked for me; I'm ready for some time off...and to pursue my goals. I made a short list of stuff I wanna work on, and I plan to achieve them.

 

I am curious to see how she is doing but not enough to actually reach out.. rest assured. Honestly, I hope she is doing well. As much as I have been cursing at her and angry, we didn't end on bad terms. I have always held onto the past...no matter what. This break up made me realize how important it is to focus on today, and yourself. I lost sight of that in the relationship. Happiness and her became one entity...and that to me seems like a mistake I made.

[Tactical Mind]

It's a strong step forward man. I was there suffering and cursing at the wind because I was angry with her. But like most things it isn't right to hold on to it. Eventually you'll start to make that anger something much more positive. Forgive and forget, its a very good saying and it always remains true. Use your anger, if you have it, to exhaust all the bad you have deep inside and afterwards give yourself goals to make yourself a better person.

 

But no matter who she is, how big the impact, always see yourself as an individual. It was something I learned thus far into what is now a broken "NC."

 

You'll be good though man, keep staying positive. Come around here if you need some support, and definitely offer your own experiences because as you write them and talk about them, you get different perspectives.