Am I crazy? Still in love with MM

[PeacockGirl]

I'm looking for advice from people in similar positions...Im out of my depth and feel like Im going crazy.

 

I was with my MM for about 1 year. He was my boss. I had just come out of a 7 year relationship and within 6 weeks, we started sleeping together. He never showed any interest in me until he found out I had split with my long term partner. After a few months we became emotionally attached to each other, he was always considerate and caring. He would buy me the most thoughtful gifts and I fell very hard for him.

 

We both knew from the beginning that he was only here temporarily for work and would eventually be moving back home overseas. Also from the very beginning he said he would never leave his wife for me. He said that it would hurt his family, her family and her too much and he didnt want to be that person.

 

When he left it was heartbreaking, Ive never experienced so much pain in my life, or so I thought. I had booked a trip over to see him before he left and it was 3 months before I would see him again. During this time I went through a very difficult time. We talked everyday like our relationship was still continuing. I was trying my hardest to get my life back on track but I found myself doing crazy things trying to get his attention, and getting angry at him for small things. I decided that when I came over to see him that I would be strong and just be 'friends'.

 

Basically in the 3 weeks I was there my life came crashing down around me. I asked him not to sleep with me, but the first thing he did was pounce on me when I arrived. After I broke down and told him how hard the last 3 months had been, how hard it was seeing him moving on with his life, wife, etc. He said he would not try anything with me again as he respected me too much. In my completely fragile state he slept with me another 4 times.

 

During that time he told me he had fallen in love with his wife again and wanted to make his marriage work, but still slept with me again after that. It made me crazy, I said I wanted nothing to do with him, and he said OK, but then I begged him to stay in touch with me. He would then post pictures of him and his wife, and I would flip out and he would say 'youre crazy!'. But he still maintained he wanted me in his life and to be friends. I had a few more meltdowns after this. He never used to wear his wedding ring and then he started pictures of him wearing his ring again, and when I asked him why he would say I'm emotional and crazy. I told him when I was visiting to please respect my feelings, and not throw his relationship in my face and not make me hang out with is wife - which he did, he was all over his wife when I was around and then when I would get upset he would say he was working on his marriage and I have not reason to be upset - but he would still have sex with me! Everything I asked him not to do he did. And it made me crazy, but I still kept going back.

 

Im back home now and we continuously fight. I ask him all the time to respect my feelings. Which I thought he would because he told me when we were together he loved me. But he hasnt, he doesnt and he never will. But he wants me in his life?? I dont understand! Am I crazy? He tells me I am and I think too much, and I need to relax, but I think he is manipulating me. Im trying NC and I know he wont contact me, but I always faulter and end up contacting him. Im trying so hard, and its destroying my life, Im so depressed. I feel like nothing is happening for me and he has this new amazing lease on life and all I have are the leftovers and the memories.

 

Sorry for the novel, but any advice would be appreciated. How do I cope with this? I want him in my life but how? Am I crazy? Did he every really love me like he said? I used to be such a strong person but now I feel so weak.

[HollyGolightlly]

Oh man..I'm sure most of the comments will say

 

"why are you sleeping with him, etc.."

 

I know why, I understand. I don't think it's smart, but I understand.

 

The bottom line is- is that you're in love. He might love his wife, but men never turn down sex with someone new.

 

He sounds like a piece of crap, honestly. Married men have a tendency to tell women anything they want to hear mixed in with an ugly truth so they can continue to string them along but yet keep their conscience at bay.

 

The only thing that helped me was realizing that I did not want to ever be my MM's wife- I look at their marriage and the FIRST word that comes to mind is " what an idiot..." or I just simply feel bad for being involved in an old mans midlife crisis which I believe is 99% of the time is the case with these guys. They're old, their wife doesn't like to have sex, kids, whatever. It's all classic case. Does the wife know about you?

[happy stillmore]

OMG! I am going to say some things that will sound harsh but in my opinion is the truth. Please don't be upset but I'm truly trying to help you.

 

Yes, you are crazy.

 

He made you crazy. You were in a vulnerable position after your breakup with your boyfriend. He took advantage of this moment. You come across as someone who feels like nothing without a man in her life. You have to learn to find happiness on your own. You do not need him or anyone!

 

You need to not walk, but RUN from this man. He is a complete liar. Don't you see the blatant lies. He says he fell back in love with his wife but still slept with you. That tells you right there that you can't trust him as far as you can throw him. Does that look like love to you? His sleeping with you does not seem like that is the actions of a husband who is in love with his wife. He is clearly using you. I'm sorry to tell you. I know it isn't a good feeling but he truly is. You are so desperately looking to fill a void that you are going into him. He can sense this need in you and is using it to get free sex from you. He knows you are weak and will cave to him.

 

Please, for the love of yourself, stop all contact with him. Tell him you love yourself too much to continue. He does not love you. I know you want more but he is not capable of truly loving anyone. Would you really want a man who wears a wedding ring but sleeps with other women? You can never trust him. Love yourself. If you don't, you will never be happy. You are better off being alone and happy than with this creep.

 

Please talk to someone about all of this. It helps to get an outside view of your situation. Therapy is great.

Edited December 7, 2013 by happy stillmore

[PeacockGirl]

Thankyou for your advice HollyGolightly. Its nice to know Im not the only one out there who has experienced such heartbreak.

 

I can't say no him...that is why I slept with him, our chemistry is electric and we had the most amazing sex, and he knew exactly what to say to me. That I was beautiful, that I was amazing, blah blah. And I fell for ALL of it, even when I knew better. But I still fell so in love with him.

 

The worst part is, is his wife loves him so much. It was obvious. I felt like absolute crap when I was around them. He didnt seem to care, but the guilt for me was overwhelming. But I kept going back!

 

He is 9 years older than me, and I yes I think I gave him what his wife doesnt. She doesnt know about me, but she knows me...now, because to see him, I had to see her aswell. Which is so stupid on my part I know. I cant help but think she must of known he was fooling around? But maybe she is choosing to ignore it.

 

I hate being so crazy, and I hate being this person. I think about if he were with me, I would never trust him and I would constantly be wondering what he was doing. So I never would want to be with him. But that doesnt seem to stop me from going back. I know I wont see him for at least another year...but its so hard, I feel like then pain will never end. We have a lot of mutual friends and they know we are 'close' so it makes it hard to cut him out of my life. I think I might be using that as an excude though. I dont know.

[happy stillmore]

You are going to have to rip off the band-aid in order to heal quicker. You will have to just end it. Go NC.

[beach]

Please seek professional help to establish a heathy, solid boundary for yourself.

 

He used you = you allow it, even begged for him to use you - knowing full well he isn't leaving his wife.

 

Never, ever date a married man!

 

You were/are his prey. Many are like that... But he preyed when you were vulnerable.

 

Take time to learn and understand about yourself! You need to grow and become less needy, less dependent on others validating your self worth.

 

Learn what values you hold. Learn what boundaries you won't cross. Learn self respect, self love.

 

I'm sorry for your pain.

[PeacockGirl]

Thank you for your advice also happy stillmore.

 

The sad thing is, in my head, I agree with you 150%. You are right. He isnt capable of love. But I love him, and I desperately dont want to anymore.

 

I think one of the worst things is EVERYONE thinks he is an absolute hero! His friends love him and admire him, as do his work collegues. He is successful and does amazing things to help out his friends. One of his friends recently posted something on facebook about how thankful he was to have MM as a friend. It made me sick, if only he knew. But for some reason he has no respect for the women in his life.

 

I have recently sought help from a professional after advice from a family member. I know I need to learn to love myself. Again it does help to know Im not alone. And thankyou for all advice, I need to hear the brutally honest advice.

[whichwayisup]

Get strong, find your self respect, pride and ego, dump this loser MM. He has continually hurt you, used you and you've allowed it. Instead of crying over it, get MAD! Really, I am pissed for you. He knows your weaknesses and uses it against you. He knows exactly what to do and say to manipulate you. He completely disregards your feelings, your wishes and jumps you. He is a scum bag, he truly is!!

 

He said that it would hurt his family, her family and her too much and he didnt want to be that person.

 

So, he'd rather sneak off behind his wife's back and risk everything. He is a devil in disguise, the sooner you find the strength by continuing counseling and gain your confidence back, you can dump him. I wish you the best because you deserve so much better than being second fiddle!

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for your advice also happy stillmore.

 

The sad thing is, in my head, I agree with you 150%. You are right. He isnt capable of love. But I love him, and I desperately dont want to anymore.

 

I think one of the worst things is EVERYONE thinks he is an absolute hero! His friends love him and admire him, as do his work collegues. He is successful and does amazing things to help out his friends. One of his friends recently posted something on facebook about how thankful he was to have MM as a friend. It made me sick, if only he knew. But for some reason he has no respect for the women in his life.

 

I have recently sought help from a professional after advice from a family member. I know I need to learn to love myself. Again it does help to know Im not alone. And thankyou for all advice, I need to hear the brutally honest advice.

 

He's a liar, a cheater and a betrayer. I'm sure he has great charm and charisma, a people magnet too. Those types of people you need to be weary of, especially since he knows how to read and play people selfishly.

[wanting more]

How did he make you sleep with him?

 

I don't understand how he made you hang out with his wife, which btw is fu**ed up!!!!! Why would he want you around his wife? Why would you go??

 

OW come on here and talk about how things ate so good with MM. they get along so good. I didn't read anything good about your MM. He sounds like a complete di*k. Why do you want to be with someone who treats you so bad. You fight all the time.

 

You're giving him complete power over you. Stop doing that.

 

You can get over him. You have to find your inner strength and don't contact him.

 

You need to put on your big girl panties, and don't let him

Take them off

Edited December 7, 2013 by wanting more

[PeacockGirl]

The first time we slept together when I came to visit was when he picked me up from the airport. I told him I didnt want him to pick me up but he insisted. So I allowed it. It sounds awful but he threw himself on me in the car, he grabbed me and start kissing me and I just let it happen. I wasnt strong enough to say no.

 

We have mutual friends and we would all organise to hang out together. I said I would go once, and he told me I was being silly for not coming out and I would make it obvious if I didnt come out, and then it was a case of my friends saying why arent you coming?? blah blah. So I caved.

 

When he was here we had such an amazing relationship. I was not the crazy person I have become. He worked very hard, but always made time for me. He was always very considerate of my feelings, if his wife was going to be around he would warn me, he would never post anything of them together, he never wanted to upset me, and I never was upset. We would talk for hours and hours and he would give me his full attention, he would listen to me and give me advice. When I was with him it was just me and him, nothing else existed. Like I said he would but me very thoughtful gifts, he would pick up on something I said, ie I lost a favourite mug of mine, and then a few weeks later he had tracked down a very similar mug and gave it to me. He would tell me he loved me, and he would always be thinking of me. And then, when he left, it changed. We knew it would be hard, but it was like he just stopped caring. But for me my world just crashed. I still work where he was my boss so I have so many memories. Thats why now I wonder if he ever really loved me?

[PeacockGirl]

All I wanted to find was the man who I fell in love with. I guess thats why Ive been trying so hard. But I know now Im chasing something that isnt there anymore. He is gone, he doesnt want me anymore. And in the meantime Ive let him hurt and abuse me in that process. I just want to let go of him.

[PeacockGirl]

Thank you all for your advice, feedback. Good, bad, ugly - appreciate it. I need to hear it

[whichwayisup]

All I wanted to find was the man who I fell in love with. I guess thats why Ive been trying so hard. But I know now Im chasing something that isnt there anymore. He is gone, he doesnt want me anymore. And in the meantime Ive let him hurt and abuse me in that process. I just want to let go of him.

 

Here's a link to help you see things more clearly.

 

You Don?t Miss Him. You Miss The Idea Of Who You Wanted Him To Be. | The Current Conscience

 

Read that 100x and then another 100x until it sinks in.

 

Cut him out of your life, forever. Once you work through the pain and begin to let go you will recover, you'll look back and wonder wtf you ever saw in him. He isn't worthy of your tears, though right now you need to cry it out so you can grieve the loss and heal.

[HeSh_tTheBed]

I'm looking for advice from people in similar positions...Im out of my depth and feel like Im going crazy.

 

I was with my MM for about 1 year. He was my boss. I had just come out of a 7 year relationship and within 6 weeks, we started sleeping together. He never showed any interest in me until he found out I had split with my long term partner. After a few months we became emotionally attached to each other, he was always considerate and caring. He would buy me the most thoughtful gifts and I fell very hard for him.

 

We both knew from the beginning that he was only here temporarily for work and would eventually be moving back home overseas. Also from the very beginning he said he would never leave his wife for me. He said that it would hurt his family, her family and her too much and he didnt want to be that person.

 

When he left it was heartbreaking, Ive never experienced so much pain in my life, or so I thought. I had booked a trip over to see him before he left and it was 3 months before I would see him again. During this time I went through a very difficult time. We talked everyday like our relationship was still continuing. I was trying my hardest to get my life back on track but I found myself doing crazy things trying to get his attention, and getting angry at him for small things. I decided that when I came over to see him that I would be strong and just be 'friends'.

 

Basically in the 3 weeks I was there my life came crashing down around me. I asked him not to sleep with me, but the first thing he did was pounce on me when I arrived. After I broke down and told him how hard the last 3 months had been, how hard it was seeing him moving on with his life, wife, etc. He said he would not try anything with me again as he respected me too much. In my completely fragile state he slept with me another 4 times.

 

During that time he told me he had fallen in love with his wife again and wanted to make his marriage work, but still slept with me again after that. It made me crazy, I said I wanted nothing to do with him, and he said OK, but then I begged him to stay in touch with me. He would then post pictures of him and his wife, and I would flip out and he would say 'youre crazy!'. But he still maintained he wanted me in his life and to be friends. I had a few more meltdowns after this. He never used to wear his wedding ring and then he started pictures of him wearing his ring again, and when I asked him why he would say I'm emotional and crazy. I told him when I was visiting to please respect my feelings, and not throw his relationship in my face and not make me hang out with is wife - which he did, he was all over his wife when I was around and then when I would get upset he would say he was working on his marriage and I have not reason to be upset - but he would still have sex with me! Everything I asked him not to do he did. And it made me crazy, but I still kept going back.

 

Im back home now and we continuously fight. I ask him all the time to respect my feelings. Which I thought he would because he told me when we were together he loved me. But he hasnt, he doesnt and he never will. But he wants me in his life?? I dont understand! Am I crazy? He tells me I am and I think too much, and I need to relax, but I think he is manipulating me. Im trying NC and I know he wont contact me, but I always faulter and end up contacting him. Im trying so hard, and its destroying my life, Im so depressed. I feel like nothing is happening for me and he has this new amazing lease on life and all I have are the leftovers and the memories.

 

Sorry for the novel, but any advice would be appreciated. How do I cope with this? I want him in my life but how? Am I crazy? Did he every really love me like he said? I used to be such a strong person but now I feel so weak.

 

I have been avoiding this site in order to go NC with affairs in general, as my current crazy-making situation has gutted me in ways I never thought possible. I am replying to you just heap one more warning upon all of your current troubles. Here goes:

 

I lurked on LS for a long time and I very cockily decided it helped me control the addiction. Like you I could never resist my MM: white hot lust. Like your MM he was very straightforward about where I stood and managed my expectations well. I MISTOOK THIS FOR HONESTY!

 

My MM came across as innocent to affairs and loyal to his family. It looked, smelled, and tasted like a kind of integrity. If I could simply overlook the fact that relegating my needs to the dustbin was how he maintained that "loyalty", he came across as the sweetest, most sensitive guy, nothing like those "other" MM's here on LS. He just "happened" to be excellent at planning, scheming and lying.

Well. During one of our (granted very long) breakups, I found out that the whole time he was throwing his W in my face (and she looked so HAPPY I could die), he was sexing up other women on a website, seeking emotionless NSA situations and he finally landed the perfect candidate: my friend from town. Someone he could triangulate off me as he did between me and his wife.

 

My head has been spinning out of control. One minute I'm convinced someone so diabolical is a serial killer, the next I accept I've been played by your average player who faked all his love for me, and the next minute I am praying he falls in a wood chipper. IT DOES NOT GET BETTER. Someone who plays you off a rival, gives that rival a higher status, and continues to seduce you LOVES NO ONE. Not even himself.

 

I tell myself: you were never really loved and no one will give you those two years back. Grieve that sad reality and MOVE ON. his "love" is garbage.

[MuddyFootprints]

It is certainly a crazy-making situation, but you sound more emotional than crazy. You know what you need to do.

[lollipopspot]

I was trying my hardest to get my life back on track but I found myself doing crazy things trying to get his attention, and getting angry at him for small things...

 

It made me crazy, I said I wanted nothing to do with him, and he said OK, but then I begged him to stay in touch with me. He would then post pictures of him and his wife, and I would flip out and he would say 'youre crazy!'. But he still maintained he wanted me in his life and to be friends. I had a few more meltdowns after this. He never used to wear his wedding ring and then he started pictures of him wearing his ring again, and when I asked him why he would say I'm emotional and crazy...

 

Im back home now and we continuously fight...

 

I'm kind of surprised that he stayed with you, in the sense that I would think that a married man who wants to maintain his marriage would back away when the OW starts flipping out. You are a risk to his marriage, especially if you're not stable and don't accept what I would think are the "rules" of an affair.

 

From reading these boards, it seems to me that some people are more cut out for having affairs than others, and you are not. Someone who can't accept their status as an affair partner, second fiddle to the spouse, ought best to get out fast. You need to end this, among other reasons because it seems to give you a lot more misery than pleasure.

[Nothisgirl]

It is certainly a crazy-making situation, but you sound more emotional than crazy. You know what you need to do.

 

This is what I was thinking too...quite honestly he sounds like a sociopath...he is playing with your very fragile emotions ...he knows you're vulnerable and he's manipulating you based on that. He is not worthy of your love or attention and tbh this is the type of situation where I wish the wife would find out because she deserves to know what a POS she married...

 

Please continue with therapy and learn to love yourself again...cut him totally out of your life...you deserve to be happy

[krazikat]

How did he make you sleep with him?

 

I don't understand how he made you hang out with his wife, which btw is fu**ed up!!!!! Why would he want you around his wife? Why would you go??

 

OW come on here and talk about how things ate so good with MM. they get along so good. I didn't read anything good about your MM. He sounds like a complete di*k. Why do you want to be with someone who treats you so bad. You fight all the time.

 

You're giving him complete power over you. Stop doing that.

 

You can get over him. You have to find your inner strength and don't contact him.

 

You need to put on your big girl panties, and don't let him

Take them off

 

This ^^^^

Seriously, this story makes me smh. It is sad, pathetic, and at the same time frustrating, like to the point of having me wish that there was a button next to like that said zap some sense in this AP and then I could click on it and it would zap some sense and clarity into op...

 

OP,thread starter that is, yep you are hurt. You are not showing self love. What is it that makes you obsess about this guy who has clearly told you not only that he will not leave his wife but that he is in love with her, too. While shagging you? For real? Smh. Girl, get some self respect! Can you please do this for me, it will just take a few minutes.

 

I want you to think of a woman close to your age that you love dearly, a sister, friend, colleague, whoever you feel closest to.

 

Close your eyes and focus on her. Why do you love her? Respect her? Think of the times you have had, good and bad. I am sure you are happy when she is happy. You hurt when she hurts. Think of a time where she was really hurting and how it made you feel. Then think of a fun and happy time. Now write these thoughts down.

 

Picture her in a relationship just like yours. She has just shared with you all of her experiences with this man, and she is hurting and even a little bit crazy. Be honest with yourself. What would you think of the man? Of the relationship? Of your friend? Write it down. Then write down what you would tell her to do with the relationship.

 

Girl, you need to LOVE YOURSELF. You deserve a man who will treat you with respect. Who will put you first. Who will be there fore you.

 

This douche ain't it!

 

I just don't get it? And I hurt for you because it is such a damn shame that this crap happens, and that these caring woman fall for these bozos. Ugh. I know a few wonderful guys who are having such a hard time finding love. There are good single guys out there.

[Popsicle]

So you're back in the states now? Is that where home is? These MM love it when the OW is in love with them and hurting so badly over him. Feeds the ego and makes sex better. Still doesn't change anything though, they still won't leave their wife for you. You need to realize that you are dealing with a dead-end situation, that he loves, so it's not going to stop anytime soon, until you decide that you want better for yourself. (or wait till the wife finds out and puts a stop to it)

[emotionlessbutalive]

He just loves the fact that u love him and it makes sex better for him. Stop showing that to him and he will run after you. He is a je** who is using u for his pleasure and will keep u there wanting him until u STOP it. Tell his wife everything and let him suffer like he made u suffer and finish it for good. Some men use women's emotion for their own pleasure.

[MissBee]

Peacock,

 

Sorry to say, this man is an ass and he has done everything, besides putting it into sky writings, to show he does not in fact love you.

 

You cannot have him in your life and shouldn't want to.

 

You got together with him during a vulnerable time and it seems he was a rebound after your breakup and you've never fully processed those feelings and have become very attached to this man who treats you poorly, has told you he is in love with his wife, you're crazy etc. but if you offer sex he will still take it.

 

Don't do this to yourself. Please recognize your feelings as your vulnerability talking and that this isn't about love, respect or anything substantial and good. He IS manipulative and he is using you (as you've also used him) and it's time to let this go so you can eventually move on and have a chance at a relationship that is mutual. It won't be easy but it certainly will be better in the long run than putting up with this kind of thing from this man and lowering your self to the point where you're acting out and making him feel justified to call you crazy, emotional etc. when he's also complicit in why you're behaving that way.

[PeacockGirl]

This is what I was thinking too...quite honestly he sounds like a sociopath...he is playing with your very fragile emotions ...he knows you're vulnerable and he's manipulating you based on that. He is not worthy of your love or attention and tbh this is the type of situation where I wish the wife would find out because she deserves to know what a POS she married...

 

Please continue with therapy and learn to love yourself again...cut him totally out of your life...you deserve to be happy

 

I sometimes think about telling his wife. I usually think about doing it when Im very angry. But then I think well what if she just accepts it and forgives him? He is such a master manipulator he would probably know exactly what to say to her. And then that would probably just cause me even more pain. She deserves better. I just hope one day she does find out what he is really like and does leave him. Im sure he will cheat again right?

 

I just want him to feel the kind of pain he has put me through and for people to know that he is not this big hero that everyone makes him out to be.

[PeacockGirl]

This ^^^^

I want you to think of a woman close to your age that you love dearly, a sister, friend, colleague, whoever you feel closest to.

 

Close your eyes and focus on her. Why do you love her? Respect her? Think of the times you have had, good and bad. I am sure you are happy when she is happy. You hurt when she hurts. Think of a time where she was really hurting and how it made you feel. Then think of a fun and happy time. Now write these thoughts down.

 

Picture her in a relationship just like yours. She has just shared with you all of her experiences with this man, and she is hurting and even a little bit crazy. Be honest with yourself. What would you think of the man? Of the relationship? Of your friend? Write it down. Then write down what you would tell her to do with the relationship.

 

Girl, you need to LOVE YOURSELF. You deserve a man who will treat you with respect. Who will put you first. Who will be there fore you.

 

This douche ain't it!

 

I just don't get it? And I hurt for you because it is such a damn shame that this crap happens, and that these caring woman fall for these bozos. Ugh. I know a few wonderful guys who are having such a hard time finding love. There are good single guys out there.

 

 

You know what. I actually tried a similar scenario with him! I asked him to imagine his mother being in the same situation as me. And imagine him watching the pain she is going through. But again...he still called me crazy and emotional.

 

He told me that one of the reasons he wouldnt leave his wife was because his father had cheated on his mother when they were young, and his father left his mother and married his mistress. He said that tore his family apart and he didnt want to be like that...but he is exactly like that right? Maybe thats one of the reasons why he has no respect for women. He is his fathers son.

[MuddyFootprints]

You have to let it go. Do not cause any more pain.