Considering an Open Relationship-- anyone else do this?

[TheGuard13]

I think it's a question of compatibility.

 

Been here, done it. Had women tell me they were cool with it, and then resent me later when I couldn't see through the fact that they were lying to me and themselves. Wife left me over just talking about the possibility and her agreeing to it then reneging when it became apparent I was somewhat serious about the concept.

 

Unless you legitimately WANT an open relationship and want to see other people yourself, don't do it. It's not worth it, and its borderline dishonest. But it's also unfair to just expect him to change or to condemn him for his lifestyle, assuming he's not a manipulative *******. Maybe he IS traumatized somewhat. Maybe he just likes his freedom. It takes all kinds.

[ToThinkIs]

I think it's a question of compatibility.

 

Been here, done it. Had women tell me they were cool with it, and then resent me later when I couldn't see through the fact that they were lying to me and themselves. Wife left me over just talking about the possibility and her agreeing to it then reneging when it became apparent I was somewhat serious about the concept.

 

Unless you legitimately WANT an open relationship and want to see other people yourself, don't do it. It's not worth it, and its borderline dishonest. But it's also unfair to just expect him to change or to condemn him for his lifestyle, assuming he's not a manipulative *******. Maybe he IS traumatized somewhat. Maybe he just likes his freedom. It takes all kinds.

 

Hey

 

Did he have some trauma? Sure. I dont know all teh details. What I do know sounds pretty ****ty. However, it was ten years ago. At this point its a matter of him not wanting to take responsibility for his actions. He is mildly screwed up emotionally. People have been worse off than him and worked at it-- they've gone to therapy, they've stepped out of their comfort zones, and they've gone against their current natural incliniations in favour of the greater good/bigger picture (ie- many or even all men have a fear of comittment in some ways....I think all of them freak out at the concept of "only one vagina forever".... however, sane and rational and logical ones understand that if they meet someone that is amazing, they shoudl at least try. I talked to a man today who is only 27 and got engaged, and I asked him why now...why not wait a few years? he said, why bother? He was freaked out about it, but figures, if there ever comes a day where his desire to bang other women is so bothersome that it outweighs his happiness with his girlfriend/fiance.future wife, then he'll deal with it then..but he's not going to risk his relationship now just for a random lay, which is exactly what my dude is doing). My guys' problem is he's not dealing with his emotions or issues. He's avoiding them, running from one thing to another, and screwing himself and me over in the process.

 

Do I want to shag other people? maybe. I'm not against the idea. i dont have much time to do so, admittedly, but I have been in situations before where I "shared" a man with another woman and the part that would bother me wasnt the sex, but was if i sensed he cared about someone else. But maybe its because I was the "other woman" in these situations and was under the mindset from the beginning that there was another woman there before me. This is different in that I am in essence the "main" woman, and would be allowing him to have random (supposedly meaningless) random side bouts of sex. And its a tricky thing. You cant help falling for people. That really is my biggest concern here....well, two concerns. one is the prospect of STD's and such issues by sleeping around of course. But the other is feeling as if he emotionally falls for someone else while we do this. If I knew with any certainty that itw as a purely sex thing, Id probably not be as pworried about it.

 

And this isn't some situation where he's a sex addict or whatever. I definitely want sex more often than he does. It's the concept of finality for him. It's the concept that if he is in a real relationship that he is somehow shackled and not allowed to hit on someone if he wants, and that he's having a minor mid-life crisis where he thinks his youth and freedom will all be over soon, so he better take advantage of 25 year old girls still hitting on him while he can before he's old and undesirable. He literally tells himself that because he's 37 he's only got a couple years left where he's "capable" of being promiscious and getting random girls before he's expected to just settle down. It's the most ridiculous thing. It's like a guy who's never shagged an Asian girl before, so he has this fetish thing where he just HAS to try an asian girl before he settles down. I swear this is how he's being. The girl he slept with two weeks ago? She's "dark". When I asked him why he slept with her, this was his reason. he never had such a dark girl before. It was intriguing to him. There wasnt anything else about her. Everything else about me is far and away better than anything she can offer him, so he says.

 

he didn't really cheat on me. He's very honest with me. Moreso than any other women he encounters. This is the first time he slept with someone else since we met (which is a long time, in his world), and for the last few weeks we were "unofficial" basis after re-connecting after a 6 week break up, so technically he was allowed to engage with other people, though in reality we were back together in every other way. Strangely, it was in this "undefined" period that he told me he LOVES me for the first bloody time. He told me he slept with this girl revcently so that I could decide for myself if I still wanted to sleep with him knowing he had been with someone else. This new "dark" girl? He lies to her. She thinks he's dating her. she doesn't know I exist, that he still talks to me, or that he cares about me or anything. She thinks he's really dating her and really he tells me he just flirted with some other girl last week. It's what he tells all the girls he meets, except me. He's very honest with me. I'm not really sure why. Almost disgustingly too honest with me. He could try to lie to me but he doesnt. He could have avoided telling me he'd slept with this girl, and I'd have still been sleeping with him right now, but he didnt. I suppose on some level that means he respects me....he's just emotionally disturbed and refuses to be monogamous right now.

 

So do I want an open relationship? I can't say it's something I need. I prefer to be with one person because honestly it's more convenient and I like being with someone I care about and I had plenty of years where I had meaingless sex. If I had plenty of spare time maybe I would go out on lots of dates. I still think its exciting to meet someone new that is attractive, and have that first kiss, and explore a new body. I just dont have much time to do so. But what I do crave right now is consistency, sex i can rely on, someone to cuddle sometimes when Im stressed. I can get all those things from him if I can be ok with the fact that he's not ready to be physically monogamous right now. Maybe he'd be ready for it in a year. I dont know. Maybe in a year I wont be around. But maybe for the time being with how busy I am such a relationship could work to give me some things I need.

 

It's a hard call. Honestly, as I said above, my main concerns are the STD risks and the emotional-commitment part. Not the actual act of sex with someone else. I dont care quite as much about that. Make sense?

[Sunfire73]

I used to have one with my ex, turned fwb. My feelings came back, and although, it felt good when we're together, it hurt when we're apart. I didn't like the stress that caused me so I had to give him up. I went NC with him, dated and met other guys, until i found my current boyfriend whom I am more compatible and happy with. I wouldn't find him, if I was stuck with my ex.

[gabgab]

Its clear you don't want it but you'll do it to appease him because you have little self respect.

 

Also, why would he commit to you? You gave him everything for free. He doesn't need commitment to get girlfriend benefits.

[ascendotum]

No, "open relationships" don't work because all it means is that one side is ****ing who he/she wants while the partner stays faithful and gets jealous.

 

No. That is not a proper 'open relationship' then. Yes they do work if both partners are fine with it, have set ground rules, and have thought through carefully the emotional implications. Some have rules on who their partner can sleep with, so its not quite "****ing who he/she wants". Some have no rules in that regard, but maybe don't want to know too much about their partner's other shags lest they become too jealous or insecure. I'd say more often than not in open relationships, one wants it much more than the other, and the other goes along with it to please their partner. They may or may not chose to sleep with others. Its up to that person whether they feel they are selling out their true happiness for that sake of their partner's happiness. You don't have to be in an open relationship for that situation to happen (being unhappy about some aspect of the relationship or behavior but let them get away with things because they're head over heels for them or are a bit desperate)

[gabgab]

It's the concept that if he is in a real relationship that he is somehow shackled and not allowed to hit on someone if he wants, and that he's having a minor mid-life crisis where he thinks his youth and freedom will all be over soon, so he better take advantage of 25 year old girls still hitting on him while he can before he's old and undesirable. He literally tells himself that because he's 37 he's only got a couple years left where he's "capable" of being promiscious and getting random girls before he's expected to just settle down. It's the most ridiculous thing. It's like a guy who's never shagged an Asian girl before, so he has this fetish thing where he just HAS to try an asian girl before he settles down. I swear this is how he's being. The girl he slept with two weeks ago? She's "dark". When I asked him why he slept with her, this was his reason. he never had such a dark girl before. It was intriguing to him. There wasnt anything else about her. Everything else about me is far and away better than anything she can offer him, so he says.

 

 

Why in the world would you want to date a man with this attitude?

[TheGuard13]

It doesn't sound like you and this guy are all that compatible. He may well just be at a different point in his life and handling things differently, and you're condemning him for not being where you think he should be mentally and doing what you want. You two seem to have very different values systems.

[ToThinkIs]

Why in the world would you want to date a man with this attitude?

 

I ask myself that same question. Pity we can't choose who we fall for.

 

Granted, we can choose who we actually follow up on and date, but the initial spark....that one you can't really force.

 

I suppose because I rarely meet anyone I really care for, and I quite fell in love with him over the first 8-9 months before he couldnt contain his 'urges' anymore it makes me persistent, stubborn, and wondering if the fact that he's acted differently with me than every other girl he's dated in ten years means anything at all. That maybe, it's possible, we have something special and that if I'm patient enough with this emotional issue he's having it will work out.

 

But maybe I'm delusional. I wouldn't be the first person in love to be blinded by insanity. Love is essentially a loss of rational thinking , isn't it. How else would our minds, wired for survival of ourselves and our offspring firstmost, make us want to do the craziest things to be with someone that is neither of those two things?

 

I haven't been in love with many people (though I've 'been' with many people). I was in love, or so I thought, with my last boyfriend of two years, and these days I can't stand the sight or thought of him and think he's a horrible human being. And he kind of was at the end of our relationship. Maybe in due time I'll feel the same way about this one, but for some reason, he seems different to me. Like something tells me to not totally give up on him yet. I also tell myseld , aside from pondering the open relatonship thing, if I should do the opposite and have no contact at all, or minimal. It's a hard call. Especially with him living two blocks away from me. I know the longer I dont see him the easier it will be but right now its a difficult decision. Something keeps nagging at me like it never did for my prior exes and I can't quite put my finger on it.

[ToThinkIs]

It doesn't sound like you and this guy are all that compatible. He may well just be at a different point in his life and handling things differently, and you're condemning him for not being where you think he should be mentally and doing what you want. You two seem to have very different values systems.

 

This would be true if I really thought he believed any of the bollocks he tells me -- he doesn't have anything against monogamy, he's just scared by it. I suppose there's a difference.

 

Maybe we aren't compatible. Maybe he just wants me in his life because I'm the closest he has to a therapist (it was my previous job anyhow....people are prone to feeling comfortable talking to me about things).

 

I guess at the end of the day relationships should be easy-- I tell everyone else that there shouldnt be a struggle, that if its meant to be it falls into place without fighting so much. I nary take my own advice.

[ToThinkIs]

I like a girl who ONLY does open relationships.. it was enough to turn me off completely. Why put yourself in a situation of future jealousy. Plus it is kind of gross and a breeding ground for disease. God forbid someone gets pregnant.

 

yes the STD/getting someone else pregnant thing is a concern. A big one.

 

He was not careful with the last girl because supposedly she told him she didn't want to use a condom and he wasnt thinking with his big head, apparently. I was thoroughly disgusted trust me.

[pteromom]

He tells me I "feel like home" to him.

 

It's very very easy to say things like this.

 

But his actions don't show that you are his home. Your actions show that you are a willing participant if he needs those girlfriend benefits. If he's lonely and can't find a nice dark girl or whatever other new thing he has on his mind, he knows you are there waiting.

 

CHRIST, this situation is driving me mad. Maybe I could do an open relationship if there were strict rules. If he saw random women with no emotional attacchments. That he told them he was in an open relatonship and I am the main priority. or whatever. Maybe this cold work for the time being until I figure out if he really ever has the capacity to change his behaviour

 

This isn't realistic. I said in my previous post that I have never seen an open relationship work. In every single case I've seen, one of the partners falls in love with someone they are sleeping with outside the "primary" relationship. You can't have a RULE that there can be no emotional attachments, because you don't choose who you form emotional attachments to - you yourself are a prime example of that, because would you choose this guy for yourself if it was a choice?

 

This guy isn't saying "Man, I wish I could settle down, but I was hurt previously!" He's saying "I only have a few more years of sleeping with random women, so I am taking advantage of it!" He has no desire to stop and be with you. And you are really willing to take the risk of waiting several years hoping he will eventually decide you are worth settling down with?

 

I don't know if you want kids or how old you are, but it could be a very big risk.

 

And you will be in pain every time he sleeps with someone else. Wondering what she gave him that you can't.

 

If you choose to go forward with this, you are just choosing to hurt yourself.

[pteromom]

yes the STD/getting someone else pregnant thing is a concern. A big one.

 

He was not careful with the last girl because supposedly she told him she didn't want to use a condom and he wasnt thinking with his big head, apparently. I was thoroughly disgusted trust me.

 

This makes it even worse. What are you thinking?

[violet1]

I think open relationships can work if both people agree. There has to be strict rules. Both people need to extremely open with communication, willing to use protection, get tested routinely, no oral without condoms.

 

I strongly believe that not all people are wired for monogamy. Forcing these people to be monogamous is only going to increase his or her unhappiness. Just because a person isn't into a monogamy doesn't make them incapable of having a loving relationship. I also believe pushing someone in an open relationship isn't wise either.

 

OP, don't do something you want to do. Period. If you do, resentment will develop and kill the relationship.

[ToThinkIs]

This makes it even worse. What are you thinking?

Im not, obviously.

 

Im being irrational and emotional. Im aware of it. I suppose it doesnt make it any easier.

 

I'm under an inordinate amount of stress. I'm in the medical field. I have literally barely any time to sleep, let alone date. And I guess the combination of feeling very strongly for him, combined with stress, inability to have time to really meet anyone new, etc, makes it hard for me to forget about it.

 

Im sure Ive mentioned it before as well, but despite my INCREDIBLY careful birth control methods (and trust me, I am normally extremly anal about using my birth control strictly as directed), in the midst of a particularly stressful month even I can make mistakes, which I did four months ago, and for the first time in my life someone (him) got me pregnant. He broke up with me that time before we took a few weeks break, a few days after I found out, and before I had a chance to tell him. While I sat there crying and wondering what I wanted to do about the pregnancy and how/if to tell him, I ended up having a miscarriage, which in some ways was a blessing but still an emotionally draining experience. Somehow, having had to go through that knowing he's the only/first man who ever got me pregnant also probably makes me feel attached to him in some ways.

 

I'm a mess right now. Im stressed out and overwhelmed by professional/school responsibilities and I'm constantly feeling lonely and alone. I lay in bed by myself at night and all I want is to be next to him again. Hanging out with him late nights.....sometimes he'd come over after I'd come home at 10 pm at night after a 15 hour day just to cuddle with me so I could sleep better. He'd take care of me when i was stressed from exams, when I had a death in my family, etc. Going through many things with him over the last 9 months has made this all much harder for me. And despite some of his utterly disgusting behaviour I love him and miss him and I hate it. I really do.

 

People are prone to tell people to find things to make them happy to be distracted.....find a hobby, go out with friends, date new people. I have, literally, no time for almost any of these things. Some days Im lucky I have time to sleep. My life won't always be this busy, but at this moment in my training, it's a pretty stressful/crappy part of my life. A time in most people's lives, who are doing the same training as me, that many other people become depressed and overhwhelmed regardless of what they have going on personally.

 

I guess the one constant I had in my life the last 9 months that made me *usually* happy was him. And now I feel like I have nothing and no one. My family is far away right now. I have some local friends but never have time to really see them. it isn't a friend's duty to come over at 11 pm and cuddle with me while I go to bed after a 15 hour day just because I'm lonely. That's a special sort of "job" that significant-other types do.

 

Ive been so depressed sometimes in the last couple months I've considered killing myself, but not seriously. It's not someting I would actually ever DO, because I find it to be selfish and it would kill my family and friends if I did that. But I've had such low moments in the last couple months that I've thought about what it would be like because I was so stressed and unhappy.

 

And the only thing I ever looked forward to at the end of any day was the few hours I'd spend with him. He was literally the only thing I ever looked forward to and now I feel like I don't even have that. I have an endless stream of work and being alone and there's only so much a person can take sometimes between that and the death in my family and other personal issues that popped up.

 

Yes, I've been to therapists. Put aside the fact that I barely have time to go to one, I do go to one sporadically when I can actually get out of the hospital before 10 pm sometimes. Therapy is a process, it doesnt work overnight, and its not the answer to everything.

 

Anyway this has gone far off course.

 

You're all right in many ways. I shouldnt do an open relationship if im not really "into" it (though I think, to be honest, in most cases of open relationships one partner generally wants it more than the other, and its generally one person just being understanding of the other one's desires at that time). And like I said, I contemplate it because Ive been in situations before where I "shared" someone and it wasn't terrible, and I guess Im hoping that what I will get out of it is not a free pass to date other people, which frankly I can do if I want , but more getting him more in my life again. I dont think he needs to continuously date someone besides me. I think what he needs right now is the occasional freedom to hook up with someone else, not even necessarily the same person, or anyone he needs a mental connection with. So maybe we'd both get something out of it for the time being-- he will have me, which he does want, without feeling "tied down" overall since he's obviously not ready for that yet, and I will have someone who is there for the most part, who provides me with physical and emotional support, and there are confines of rules.

 

There are risks. There is a risk of him falling for someone else, which he can/will do anyway if I'm not still seeing him. He hasn't fallen for anyone else in 9 years except me and hasn't tried to date anyone more than a couple months in this time anyone but me, but who knows. I guess that's a big risk. As is the health-issues-- multiple partners opens up the possibility of health concerns.

 

I dont know. Im having a hard time making a decision. I have big exams this week and Im sort of holding off really deciding until afterwards. I vent on here a bit, which does help me, please don't think you aren't all being helpful....even if you think I argue or make excuses or don't agree, just having people listen and a place to vent and think out loud helps me not feel like I'm totally going crazy in between trying to study mass amounts of information.

 

I hope that I can come to a decision soon. I don't know. I get angry at myself for acting/thinking this way. In all other areas of my life I am extremely responsible, rational, logical, intelligent. I was a therapist. I give great advice.

 

but when it comes to my own personal life? I guess it's harder to be rational.

 

Please do keep talking to me and letting me know your opinions, thoughts, or experiences with open relationships yourself. I would really love to know if anywhere on this whole big message board that a man out there who has been a commitment phobic person actually changed, ever. Or if there's a woman out there who ever was involved with a man like this, was patient enough, and he actually changed. I know there are a lot of negative stories, but sometimes i wonder if there are any positive ones I guess.

 

Thank you in advance for all yoru continued advice.

[odin673]

Hey

 

Did he have some trauma? Sure. I dont know all teh details. What I do know sounds pretty ****ty. However, it was ten years ago. At this point its a matter of him not wanting to take responsibility for his actions. He is mildly screwed up emotionally. People have been worse off than him and worked at it-- they've gone to therapy, they've stepped out of their comfort zones, and they've gone against their current natural incliniations in favour of the greater good/bigger picture (ie- many or even all men have a fear of comittment in some ways....I think all of them freak out at the concept of "only one vagina forever".... however, sane and rational and logical ones understand that if they meet someone that is amazing, they shoudl at least try. I talked to a man today who is only 27 and got engaged, and I asked him why now...why not wait a few years? he said, why bother? He was freaked out about it, but figures, if there ever comes a day where his desire to bang other women is so bothersome that it outweighs his happiness with his girlfriend/fiance.future wife, then he'll deal with it then..but he's not going to risk his relationship now just for a random lay, which is exactly what my dude is doing). My guys' problem is he's not dealing with his emotions or issues. He's avoiding them, running from one thing to another, and screwing himself and me over in the process.

 

Do I want to shag other people? maybe. I'm not against the idea. i dont have much time to do so, admittedly, but I have been in situations before where I "shared" a man with another woman and the part that would bother me wasnt the sex, but was if i sensed he cared about someone else. But maybe its because I was the "other woman" in these situations and was under the mindset from the beginning that there was another woman there before me. This is different in that I am in essence the "main" woman, and would be allowing him to have random (supposedly meaningless) random side bouts of sex. And its a tricky thing. You cant help falling for people. That really is my biggest concern here....well, two concerns. one is the prospect of STD's and such issues by sleeping around of course. But the other is feeling as if he emotionally falls for someone else while we do this. If I knew with any certainty that itw as a purely sex thing, Id probably not be as pworried about it.

 

And this isn't some situation where he's a sex addict or whatever. I definitely want sex more often than he does. It's the concept of finality for him. It's the concept that if he is in a real relationship that he is somehow shackled and not allowed to hit on someone if he wants, and that he's having a minor mid-life crisis where he thinks his youth and freedom will all be over soon, so he better take advantage of 25 year old girls still hitting on him while he can before he's old and undesirable. He literally tells himself that because he's 37 he's only got a couple years left where he's "capable" of being promiscious and getting random girls before he's expected to just settle down. It's the most ridiculous thing. It's like a guy who's never shagged an Asian girl before, so he has this fetish thing where he just HAS to try an asian girl before he settles down. I swear this is how he's being. The girl he slept with two weeks ago? She's "dark". When I asked him why he slept with her, this was his reason. he never had such a dark girl before. It was intriguing to him. There wasnt anything else about her. Everything else about me is far and away better than anything she can offer him, so he says.

 

he didn't really cheat on me. He's very honest with me. Moreso than any other women he encounters. This is the first time he slept with someone else since we met (which is a long time, in his world), and for the last few weeks we were "unofficial" basis after re-connecting after a 6 week break up, so technically he was allowed to engage with other people, though in reality we were back together in every other way. Strangely, it was in this "undefined" period that he told me he LOVES me for the first bloody time. He told me he slept with this girl revcently so that I could decide for myself if I still wanted to sleep with him knowing he had been with someone else. This new "dark" girl? He lies to her. She thinks he's dating her. she doesn't know I exist, that he still talks to me, or that he cares about me or anything. She thinks he's really dating her and really he tells me he just flirted with some other girl last week. It's what he tells all the girls he meets, except me. He's very honest with me. I'm not really sure why. Almost disgustingly too honest with me. He could try to lie to me but he doesnt. He could have avoided telling me he'd slept with this girl, and I'd have still been sleeping with him right now, but he didnt. I suppose on some level that means he respects me....he's just emotionally disturbed and refuses to be monogamous right now.

 

So do I want an open relationship? I can't say it's something I need. I prefer to be with one person because honestly it's more convenient and I like being with someone I care about and I had plenty of years where I had meaingless sex. If I had plenty of spare time maybe I would go out on lots of dates. I still think its exciting to meet someone new that is attractive, and have that first kiss, and explore a new body. I just dont have much time to do so. But what I do crave right now is consistency, sex i can rely on, someone to cuddle sometimes when Im stressed. I can get all those things from him if I can be ok with the fact that he's not ready to be physically monogamous right now. Maybe he'd be ready for it in a year. I dont know. Maybe in a year I wont be around. But maybe for the time being with how busy I am such a relationship could work to give me some things I need.

 

It's a hard call. Honestly, as I said above, my main concerns are the STD risks and the emotional-commitment part. Not the actual act of sex with someone else. I dont care quite as much about that. Make sense?

 

This guy is deceitful to every woman he bangs but you. That is a very naive thing for you to believe. This guy is a manipulator. He uses his SOB story to make you feel sorry for him so he could pull your strings. He uses the prospect of him changing in the future to string you right along. He sounds like a full blown sociopath.

 

Stop making excuses. You know what you have to do.

[ToThinkIs]

This guy is deceitful to every woman he bangs but you. That is a very naive thing for you to believe. This guy is a manipulator. He uses his SOB story to make you feel sorry for him so he could pull your strings. He uses the prospect of him changing in the future to string you right along. He sounds like a full blown sociopath.

 

Stop making excuses. You know what you have to do.

 

You're right. So right. I know what I SHOULD do.

 

I dont really think he lies to me. He should lie to me...then he'd still be sleeping with me. I know it sounds naive but I really am the only girl he doesnt lie to in that regard. But you know what it doesnt matter anyway. He could have lied and told me nothing, and I'd still be sleeping with him too, but he knew I'd want to know and he told me, even though he risked me walking away. Which , while I havent gone total NC, I havent seen him in two weeks. That much I can say for myself. I have never mentioned to him this open relationship concept-- in fact he thinks I would never ever in my wildest dreams share him with someone.

 

I guess I'm still trying to talk through everything to get the strength to do it.

 

I haven't physically seen him in person in two weeks at least, since he told me about sleeping with that girl. He's tried to come over to talk in person and I wouldn't let him. I guess I was able to do that much.

 

It's easier not to fall into putty when I dont see him. Im trying to focus on exams this week.

 

I hope I find the strength I need. Because it's hard right now. So hard.

[odin673]

That's sad to hear. If by some miracle he is actually honest, he is using the truth to manipulate you. This guy has openly said he decieves and manipulates other women to get what he wants. He's been doing it for a long time and is a master of his art. Monogamous relationship or not, this is a person to avoid at all costs.

 

Look for deeper friendships. You should never feel alone. I'm a dude and I have several friends I can count on if the going gets tough. A true friend is more than someone you hang out with for mutual enjoyment.

[Peanut9330]

You're right. So right. I know what I SHOULD do.

 

I dont really think he lies to me. He should lie to me...then he'd still be sleeping with me. I know it sounds naive but I really am the only girl he doesnt lie to in that regard. But you know what it doesnt matter anyway. He could have lied and told me nothing, and I'd still be sleeping with him too, but he knew I'd want to know and he told me, even though he risked me walking away. Which , while I havent gone total NC, I havent seen him in two weeks. That much I can say for myself. I have never mentioned to him this open relationship concept-- in fact he thinks I would never ever in my wildest dreams share him with someone.

 

I guess I'm still trying to talk through everything to get the strength to do it.

 

I haven't physically seen him in person in two weeks at least, since he told me about sleeping with that girl. He's tried to come over to talk in person and I wouldn't let him. I guess I was able to do that much.

 

It's easier not to fall into putty when I dont see him. Im trying to focus on exams this week.

 

I hope I find the strength I need. Because it's hard right now. So hard.

 

Don't you think he might be feeding the same line to other women? What guarantee do you have that he's only this "honest" with you?? This very well could just be part of his game. Based upon what you wrote I wouldn't waste my time on him because no matter what you and how long you stick around for he wont change unless he wants to himself. There is nothing you can do or prove to him even by tending to all his needs except for the sex. He doesn't care about that because he's gets the emotional connection with you and just gets the sex elsewhere. You're like a part time girlfriend that he can spend time with watch movies get a home cooked meal out of you, and then when he's frisky he goes and has sex with some random women. The fact that he's honest with you about it doesn't justify his actions because you don't want an open relationship and he's just using you for the emotional connection.

[pteromom]

I dont know. Im having a hard time making a decision.

 

...except he hasn't even offered an open relationship as an option, right?

 

It's not like he's agreed to any of this - that you would be his "emotional primary" while you would give him permission to go have unprotected hookups with random girls as long as he doesn't get attached (as if he has the emotional maturity to follow rules and boundaries in the first place.)

 

I get not wanting to be alone, and wanting someone there for cuddling, sex, pillow talk, etc.

 

But does this guy really have the capability to give you what you want? What happens the first time you have a really bad day and need him there, and he's out at a bar trying to pick someone up? Do you think that will make you feel better?

 

If you go forward with this (assuming he's even on board with it), you will have to do so with full knowledge that you are at the mercy of his schedule, whims, desires, and that you will have to take what he is willing to give, when he is willing to give it.

 

Doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me though.

 

I am really sorry about your miscarriage and your depression. I just worry that you are reaching out to a person who isn't capable of being there for you in the way you need.

[Divasu]

I definitely want sex more often than he does.

 

That's probably because he's too tired from having sex with other women. I'm very sad to read what you've written. And, I really hope you find the strength to leave a situation that is seemingly tearing you down little by little.

[oldshirt]

This is all Bullcrap. You are just being played. He's already in an open relationship, you just haven't caught up.

 

 

All this talk of being hurt a decade ago is just a line to keep you strung along. He's simply a playah' and you are falling for his lines.

[spiderowl]

How do you know he doesn't say the same thing to every girl he gets 'involved' with? You know, that they are special and he wants them in his life regardless? It's hard for a guy to retain a girlfriend if he sleeps around like this guy wants to. Either he's going to have to find someone compatible with his views, or lie to the ones that dither.

[RedRobin]

He sounds like a sociopath, not someone who believes in open relationships.

 

The only people I've known where an open relationship worked was when the engagements outside of the primary relationship were relatively rare... or circumstantial... There was always an atmosphere of both participating in the decision AND... wait for it... the other person always had 'veto' power, ultimately.

 

In other words, the needs of their primary partner always came first.

 

Your needs aren't important to this guy. He comes up with stories and excuses knowing it will hurt you. He doesn't care about you enough to break up with you and mean it... so that you can find someone who can care for you.

 

Fundamentally, he just doesn't care about you....is my observation.

[ThatMan]

Since you have experience in counseling then you must know that emotions are neither right nor wrong, they just are. The pain and hopelessness that you are experiencing is how you appraise yourself of the situation. You should respect yourself and your feelings by doing what's right for you. Is the continued contact with this man right for you?

[ToThinkIs]

Since you have experience in counseling then you must know that emotions are neither right nor wrong, they just are. The pain and hopelessness that you are experiencing is how you appraise yourself of the situation. You should respect yourself and your feelings by doing what's right for you. Is the continued contact with this man right for you?

 

 

Is it right for me? Logically no, I would imagine. Logic dictates if you have to try so hard to convince someone they are losing out on something, it's probably not worth it. At least not now. My hopes that he'll ever change are usually pessemistic. After I have conversations with him I get the impression he seriously considers the points I make, but then he keeps doing what he wants regardless, and so regardless of how much thought he puts into it, actions mean more than words right?

 

I would say all logic would say to not talk to him. That's certainly the advice I'd give to someone else. I haven't seen him in person since he told me he slept with that girl....what...almost three weeks no? Two? Ive talked to him on the phone multiple times, and texted a bunch. The last few days Ive generally held back from any conversation outside from one text or two because I have a huge exam this week and every time I talk to him its another night of crying and elevated emotions and not being able to focus. He sent me a joking text a couple days ago that i didn't respond much to. The only other contact I made was asking for his continued help on something somewhat administrative that he was helping me with before, and his response was that he would happily help me and then I didn't respond to that last one either. I think he's not calling me the lat few days partially because he knows I have two huge exams this week and that I told him not to stress me this week.

 

I'll be honest here. If he came and told me tomorrow that he's rethought everything, that he realised he's an idiot, that he wants me to give him another chance and that he wants to try a real relationship, I'd probably have trouble saying no.

 

But I dont think he'll tell me that anytime soon. It's evident his selfish needs for freedom to sleep with whomever he wants right now outweigh even his own logic that he and I have a great connection that he doesn't usually have with other girls he bounces around to. He's messed up.

 

And so this week while I have exams Ive been able to put down the phone almost every time I have the urge to call him, which is a lot. I think about him a lot. It's almost the first thing I think about when I wake up, the last thing before I go to bed. But I'm trying really hard to focus on other things during the day. It's difficult. Everytime I'm home at night I imagine him being two blocks away in his apartment and I wonder if he's alone or he's with this girl or some other girl or who knows. That part kills me the most I think, wondering if he's just using others as a distraction while I refuse to talk to him, or if he actually will start to like one of these random girls this week.

 

So maybe I've answered my own questions about whether I could handle an open relationship. but maybe I'm only being more logical at this moment because I havent heard his voice in a few days because of my exams, and because Ive refused to see him in person. If he calls me next week maybe Ill have a moment of weakness and answer the phone. I dont really know right now. All I know is that at this moment while Im trying to study for what is ostensibly one of my harder exams this year, its horrible weather outside and my mind still wanders to him, and wondering if he's alone or with someone else. It took me a long time to get over my last ex, the one before this guy. Truth be told, almost a year after I broke up with my other ex, I was still feeling kind of crap. Then I met this guy and I forgot about my ex , or at least the thought of my ex didnt hurt anymore so much.

 

I kind of get worried sometimes that I'll feel this empty, longing pain until I meet someone else. It's a gnawing pain almost , you know, and it gets worse when Im alone, late at night, looking out my window hugging my stupid blanket when a few weeks ago I was hugging him. I hear other people talk about sex and their girlfriends and it drives me mad because I feel patheticly alone. I just really wish that feeling would go away, it would make it easier to try to start forgetting about him I guess.

 

I know the answer to everything is "time"....but it's nice to have support and words of encourgaement while I'm waiting for that moment to get here.

 

I can't promise next week I won't be still thinking if this open relationship thing is something I will try. But tonight I can at least say for a moment it's not what I really want, it's just sometimes feeling like the best I can do. which is a sad, pathetic feeling to have....but it's how I feel, and it sucks.