Considering an Open Relationship-- anyone else do this?

[ToThinkIs]

Hello all.

 

I have been involved with a man for 9 months on and off. Without trying to write a saga (though I imagine this will be long, so bear with me), the basic premise is that we have an amazing connection, he feels about me like he hasn't felt about anyone in a long time, but for whatever reason, he is not mentally ready to be in a monogamous relationship. He was "traumatized" by a woman nearly 9 years ago. He was with her for some time, and she cheated on him with two of his best friends, among other things. He refuses to tell me all the details of things, but tells me that certain things happened to him when he was younger that he's been avoiding addressing for many years, and that have impacted his ability to have monogamous relationships with women since then. He has basically spent the last decade jumping from woman to woman every couple of months-- he breaks up with all of them as soon as he feels they are starting to get too close. I am the only woman in almost ten years he has spent this much time with, and the only woman he has been this open with in almost a decade.

 

We tried to be boyfriend/girlfriend conventionally for 5 months, broke up for a couple months, then started hooking up again as "friends with benefits" (and that didnt work because people who care about each other as much as we do are incapable of being that distanced about sex.) It was an emotional period because I found out I was pregnant two days before he broke up with me that first time, so I never told him about the pregnancy, and he had no idea at the time. As I was contemplating what to do about it, I ended up having a miscarriage a week later. I never told him until this week. Suffice to say he was very emotional about it. It's been difficult, though , because despite everything we have been through, he still can't bring himself to feel comfortable being in a monogamous relationship.

 

Despite our amazing connection, he doesn't feel he is ready to not have sex with any other women. He enjoys sex with me tremendously, that is not the problem. In fact, we have great sex in every way. It is not that anything between us specifically is lacking, and his fear of relationships has nothing to do with me. I was hurt and confused at first when he broke up with me, especially as I was going through the pregnancy confusion and then miscarriage so i was devastated at the time, but I realise now that none of his hesitations about being together has anything to do with me. He enjoys our time together, tells me things he couldnt tell his best friends, and is generally happy with me. But he has some personal issues that prevent him from being emotionally ready to say he can be in a mongamous situation. It's not that he craves emotional intimacy with other women....it's just sex. In fact, im not even sure its the sex itself as we have that pretty well together. He just has an intense fear of "officially" telling himself he can never be with another woman. He fears the "finality" of being with me....of the idea of never being with anyone ever again. Every other girl over the last decade that he's dated, he was not honest with them about his intentions. He let them think he was interested in monogamy, then jetted out within a couple months. I'm the only one he's been this honest with, because he doesnt want to lie to me or pretend he can handle monogamy when he feels he just isnt ready for it.

 

he's very honest with me. He tells me everything. Has never lied to me about his feelings, intentions, or anything. He never "cheated" on me, but he did tell me that he slept with another woman two weeks ago because I had told him when we started this "friends with benefits" status a few weeks ago, that once he slept with another woman, we could no longer be intimate. So he told me when it happened so that I could make the decision whether or not to still be involved with him. He didnt want to do it behind my back or anything.

 

He has said he doesnt want to lose me from his life, that he misses me, etc, but that he doesn't want to lie to me and tell me he is ready for monogamy with respect to sex when he just isn't there yet. He said he understands that I don't want to accept him being with other women and me also being intimate with him at the same time, even though obviously he would like to still be intimate with me as well.

 

He has asked me if it is still possible to basically do everything else we do...hanging out, our long deep conversations, doing things together, having dinner together, etc....even if I won't sleep with him anymore. He doesn't like the idea of not having me in his life at all, but understands if I do not want to have sex with him if he is also sleeping with other women.

 

So this brings me to a point of conflict. it's not that I can't date other people-- surely I can. I'm an intelligent, attractive woman. I get hit on and asked out often. But I am also extremely busy-- I have a career/education track that is incredibly demanding of my time. On top of it, I rarely meet men that stimulate me on both a mental and physical level like he does. He lives two blocks away from me. I thoroughly enjoy spending time with him. And frankly, dating new people is almost like a second job and between my school, trying to maintain relationships with friends, I have little time or interest in going out on countless first dates with new men right now. I do, sometimes, but its not often I meet anyone I care to see again.

 

The last two weeks I've been up and down emotionally. The thought of him with this girl he slept with a week ago nauseated me at first. All I could think about was him with some girl he doesnt even care about. I wondered if he stroked her hair like mine or kissed her the same way. He tells me she means nothing. That she's nice enough or whatnot, but that he has no connection with her like with me. That he'll likely move on to someone else just like he always does. That it's just sex.

 

We've had multiple long, emotional, draining conversations the last two weeks. I finally told him about the pregnancy/miscarriage, which he was very emotional about. At the end of the day, I see he is not ready to mentally put himself in a physically monogamous relationship. The weird thing is, it's not the concept of sex with other girls that bothers me. What I hate is the thought of him becoming emotionally attached to someone else, or caring about someone else. If I knew, for instance, that he just shagged some new girl every two weeks, like some prostitute, didn't care for any of them, and that was it.....I almost wouldn't care for the time being, so long as he agreed to go back into therapy and work on the issues he's been avoiding that traumatized him so long ago.

 

So tonight I sit here wondering if the temporary answer is an open relationship. One in which there are rules. One in which I am the main emotional investment in his life, but where we both, obviously, are able to be physically intimate with other people at times. I started to wonder if this would be so bad for the time being. He wouldn't feel "trapped" or "forced" into monogamy, and I would retain the physical and emotional interaction that we both enjoy. There woudl be rules about when he could see other women. It would be agreed that I take priority on important days, or weekends, and that these girls on the side are secondary. I dont care to know details and I dont want him being close with any of them on an emotional level.

 

I was reading about open relationships, and articles like this one actually dont sound so unappealing to me. 8 Essential Open Relationship Rules to Know ... | All Women Stalk

 

As long as there were rules, such as no unprotected sex with others, no "emotional" interactions or actually dating others-- basically, we are together emotionally and physically, but without the traditional physical expectations of no sex with others, if this would give me what I need right now as far as physical/emotional interaction in my busy life, while letting him slowly acclimate to a relationship rather than what I had previously been doing, which is essentially forcing him into something he wasn't ready for. I considered just not talking to him at all and doing the whole "if its meant to be in the future, it will happen" thing.....but i really dont want to give him up right now. I dont expect to hold back from dating other men. In fact, I will gladly go out with a new man if I am asked out by one I actually like or am attracted to. But I dont meet men that intrigue me very often, and I sort of see no point in forcing myself to sit alone, sleep alone, and have no sexual needs met ever just because of this. I am not the type of person who enjoys meaningless sex-- something I had plenty of when I was younger-- and prefer to sleep with people I know and am comfortable with. That doesnt mean I wont go out with a new guy if I meet one I like. There is nothing to say that if I met new men that I casually slept with that they would be any more monogamous than he is being.

 

Perhaps I am being blinded by love. And I do love him. A word I do not take lightly, nor do I say it to many people. But I would like to know if there are other people out there who have ever been in open relationships, and if so, what was your experience (positive and negative), and how did you try to make it work? How did it work in the end, did you ever transition to mongamy eventually?

 

Thank you for reading this far. I know im incapable of being succinct.

 

Cheers.

[tlegend]

Well,

 

I can't tell you yes or no with any certainty that an open relationship will work. In fact, noone can. I have heard of open relationships that work out, but I have no been witness to one. Ever. Regardless of how many rules you have in place, you can't dictate what his emotions will do and if he would have a connection with one of the women he is sleeping with.

 

 

This entire post, to me, sounded like you trying to convince yourself...and others....to take this route. Although it is very appealing at this point in time, I think that you are trying to find some way to keep this guy in your life while having him fill a void that you consciously know about. That void is the physical and spiritual stimulation you receive from him. Although you can talk this guy up all you want, the simple fact remains that he is close enough to what you are looking for, but far enough away to know that you are second guessing this decision.

 

If you feel this is the only way to keep what you have already....then by all means explore this avenue. However, if you open this door, please expect to never have his full heart. Emotional connections happen everywhere and always, and that connection isn't exclusive to people outside of committed relationships. (open, or closed...)

[Kansas87]

I have a good friend in an open relationship and they are now married. I've talked with her about it, and I know one thing: Open relationships should exist because it is what BOTH partners want. They thrive on communication and understanding. They are NOT to be used as an excuse for failing to deal with commitment issues.

 

Which is what it sounds like your guy is doing. It isn't that he doesn't believe in monogamy, or doesn't want it, or gets off on knowing you're with other guys....he's just scared. 9 years is a looooong time to carry around that kind of trauma, and it sounds to me like he really needs to consider getting professional help if it's impacting his ability to have any real relationships at all.

 

Otherwise, he needs to date women specifically who are interested in that type of relationship. There are some out there, I know.

[pteromom]

An open relationship might be ok IF it was what you both wanted. If he wanted to sleep with other girls, and you wanted to sleep with other guys, and you were both ready to commit to each other and put strong boundaries and rules in place.

 

Although I have NEVER seen an open relationship work over the long term.

 

But anyway - that isn't what this is.

 

This is you trying desperately to hold onto a guy by completely selling out what you want. This is you taking what you can get in hopes that you will eventually change him or you'll eventually be able to magically fall out of love or meet someone else.

 

If you are feeling sick because he slept with someone else, you really think it is going to just get better and you'll get used to it? And if you *are* able to just get used to it, is that really what you want for yourself?

[ToThinkIs]

thank you all so far....yes i guess i am trying to convince myself i could do this because i cant think of another way right now to be involved with him. We make minutae of progress in each little conversation we have (they end up being practically therapy sessions unto themselves....), and after the last one he said he would seriously consider going back into therapy. That he wished he could feel comfortable with being in a relationship because i'd be the first one he'd turn to. Begging me to at least consider being friends with him and doing everything else we used to do together, even if I won't sleep with him anymore.

 

I tried to just not talk to him for a week, to get myself into the mode of thinking that strict NC would be best. That there's no way people on our level of prior intimacy, and who currently care for each other, can simply be "friends" at this point. I asked him how he'd feel if I came over to "hang out" and watch a movie, and that instead of our usual snuggles on the sofa, I'd sit on the other end of the couch. That he'd be two feet away from me and unable to kiss me, put his hand on my leg, etc. I asked how he'd feel if I told him I had a date with another man, or slept with one.

 

I dont think he's really thought this through. Im the first girl in ten years he's made effort to maintain some sort of interaction with after "breaking up" due to his usual bouncing from woman-to-woman sexually and Im not sure he really understands the concept or how "just being friends" is near impossible right now. I almost want to go over there one night to "hang out" and not let him do any of those little things I know he will automatically do without thinking, like trying to put his hand on my waist or whatnot, to see how it makes him feel.

 

I tried to be NC with him for a week and the thought of not having him in my life at all right now kills me. I know that time heals everything, but my current level of life stress coupled with him living two blocks away make it extremely difficult to an inordinate level to forget about him and put him out of mind. I also get very lonely by myself all the time.

 

So I ask myself if I could be ok with this sort of open relationship. It's odd as I used to have FWB's when I was younger that also had girlfriends....in this case i was sort of the "other woman" i guess (i was much younger then and stupid....i would never want to be an OW again, it isnt fair to the person being cheated on of course). But for some reason knowing at that time that the guy I liked was sleeping with his girlfriend when i wasnt there didnt bother me much as long as he made time for me.

 

In this scenario, I would be more the "emotional primary" in his life, with the subconscious knowledge he might occasionally be physical with someone else. I wonder if giving him this occasional "freedom" would help to move him into the frame of mind that relationship isn't prison and eventually want the monogamy of his own accord.

 

I really wish I could hear from anyone else who's been in this type of situation themselves and see how they dealt with it. I know on an outsie perspective I'd probably give the same advice most people want to give me-- if it isn't what gets you off personally, why bother with an open relatinship just to make him happy for now? I guess because im hoping it will lead him in the direction of eventually being just with me if Im not "pressuring" him, and me in the meantime getting my "fix" of him. I tried being without him before, dating other men....i found it all frustrating and lonely. I really havent got time to date much these days.

 

I really don't know what to do...surely someone out there has been through something like this....???

[salparadise]

I guess because im hoping it will lead him in the direction of eventually being just with me if Im not "pressuring" him, and me in the meantime getting my "fix" of him. I tried being without him before, dating other men....i found it all frustrating and lonely. I really don't know what to do...surely someone out there has been through something like this....???

 

He has a long established pattern of short-lived relationships. He runs from intimacy. He is not only unable/unwilling to commit or be monogamous, he's unable to even talk about whatever it was that supposedly traumatized him so badly. And you're reaction to all of this is, if I show him that I'm the world's biggest doormat maybe someday he'll decide I'm too good to keep wiping his dirty feet on me. Ain't going to happen. He's just going to keep on making you miserable until he either leaves you or one of you dies.

 

The real question you should be asking is why you're so attracted to someone so broken, who treats you so poorly, and why are you helping him justify rather than drawing some clear boundaries for yourself?

 

It's not that I can't empathize, I really do understand how it feels to be crazy about someone who treats you poorly. But I also understand that wishing someone would change and become the person you want them to is not the path to happiness in this life. I hope you will understand this eventually too, but suspect you've not had your fill of suffering yet in order to reach that point.

[unicorn farts]

Let's set aside the whole convoluted backstory to this and look at the basic issue:

 

You want to start a relationship with this man hoping that eventually he will change for you.

 

Come on, you know that never works.

[irc333]

Is "Open relationship" the modern version of the 60's version of "Swingers"?

[soccerrprp]

Is "Open relationship" the modern version of the 60's version of "Swingers"?

 

No. It's today's version of "I don't want to commit to you ONLY b/c you alone are not good enough for me" relationship and I still want to sleep around risking body and mind to disease and unnecessary complications.":(

[skela]

Are you sure this is the man for you? It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that you want thus but you really don't. Sometimes it's better to be alone instead of giving up what actually makes us feel good. Sounds like you're more of his therapist and go to girl than partner.

[Zeroes]

No, "open relationships" don't work because all it means is that one side is ****ing who he/she wants while the partner stays faithful and gets jealous.

[ToThinkIs]

Are you sure this is the man for you? It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that you want thus but you really don't. Sometimes it's better to be alone instead of giving up what actually makes us feel good. Sounds like you're more of his therapist and go to girl than partner.

 

Hi Skela

 

One can never be sure of anything I suppose, but I do know that it is a rarity to feel this way about anymore for me. I do not fall in love easily, Im not one of those girls who falls for someone just because they pay attention to her.

 

Putting aside his emotional fears about monogamy, for now, in every other way he and I have a special connection. That sounds lame but it's a sufficient word for now. I know what and how he acts like with other women. He talks to me and opens up to me like he barely does to his siblings or best friends. We can talk for hours, spend hours cuddling, laughing at things, just spending time together. I have many guy friends, and one thing I do know is that men dont consider sex as a special connection-- they do, however, acknowledge when they are able to be emotionally tied to a woman and feel close to her. He tells me I "feel like home" to him. I don't rely on him, I don't need to see him every moment or every day to be happy, so I don't consider it co-dependant. When we dated for 5 months "officially" as boyfriend/girlfriend I was content to see him a few times a week and go about my business the rest of the time. I like that I "feel like home" to him, but maybe the problem is that he sees me as marriage material and the matter is, he's not ready for marriage and fears that being with me is "it"-- that once he commits to me he will never again be wth anyone else. He has said this before, despite my telling him that even if we are "together" officially, he can still break up with me whenever he wants. Im not chaining him to a fence in my yard, and a relationship isnt a prison. He's there because he loves me, not because "this is it."

 

He admits that everytime he's let go of a woman in the past because of jumping around, he's never bothered to try to stay in contact with any of them because while he's cared about some, he never felt that intensely and it was easy to just move on to someone else. With me, he can't seem to stop talking to me. He said even if I don't want to be physically involved with him because of him sleeping with others, he wants me in his life somehow.

 

I don't want to act like he's a saint. I've yelled at him, told him he needs to grow up and take responsibility for how he acts rather than always blaming it on his past trauma. Trauma can have an effect on how you view relationships, but after 9 years its obviously not going away on its own and I want him to go to therapy because I dont think he is capable of "getting over it" on his own. He isn't unhappy, but he isn't happy either. He's gotten drunk plenty of times before and started rambling to me about how he feels so happy when he's just spending time with me.

 

And yet, at the end of the day, he can't seem to accept that he is not 20 anymore (he's 36, FYI), and its time to consider that when you meet someone special you shouldnt take it for granted. His friends all tell him he's an idiot, and that he's going to regret losing me, and that he is not acting his age. His brothers are total opposites and are very relationship-minded. For whatever reason he uses this past-trauma to tell himself that he'd make a ****ty boyfriend, that he's a bad person, that he's a crappy individual, and so on and so forth. He's told me plenty times that I am too nice for him and that I can do better and that I'd probably end up leaving him anyway. I've run of out ways to convince him that I have no intentions of hurting him.

 

This isn't a case of someone who has only been with a few people and is afraid he's missing out on something. That he's had plenty of time to screw around with tons of different kinds of women. This isn't some case where he spent all his life with a couple of partners and now wonders if he didnt play the field enough-- he's played the field plenty and just isnt taking responsibility for trying to change. He's been in this pattern of jumping around, and not having to withhold from hitting on a random woman if he wants to, that he doesn't want to change.

 

he has convinced himself that he "only has a few years left anyway" in which he has the ability to be able to "get" random women until he's "too old" for most of them to want him anymore. It's ridiculous and immature, I agree.

 

But none of this is helping me to not want him. It drives me mad that we get along SO well in every way, that sex is incredible, everything, and that he can't just get this sh*t together and work on his emotional problems. He keeps telling me he hopes that when he gets ready for it that I'll still be available but that he would understand if I'm not becaue Im such a "good catch".

 

And so here I sit, wondering if I could handle an open relationship. Mind you, HE has never asked me for one. He has assumed that I would never agree to be physical with him while he is physical with other people. I just fear that in the process he might care for someone else, though its unliekly seeing as how in ten years Im the only one he's ever spent more than 3 months of effort on.

 

Im really conflicted. I am in love with him. I hate that I am. And I tired to just forget about him but the f**ker lives two bloody blocks away from me. I can practically see his apartment buidling from my building.

 

Thank you for continued input. I really need to keep hearing from people to try to decide what I want to do. I have exams this week so Im avoiding him for a few days but he has made it clear he wants to keep calling/talking to me so Im sure I'll hear from him soon enough. And Im not sure if I want to bring up this concept with him or not at that time.

[salparadise]

Im really conflicted. I am in love with him. I hate that I am. And I tired to just forget about him but the f**ker lives two bloody blocks away from me.

 

This is sad. Are you afraid that you'd never be able to love again? You're just thinking of strategies for maintaining the status quo... meeting his needs when he's not out screwing strangers, and you settling for crumbs. Why are you not incensed, angry? Perhaps you should be. Attachments can be strong but they can be undone. There is something about the way you perceive all of this that's keeping you stuck and not doing what's in your own best interest. You're going to school, presumably to create a better future... does that vision not include a functional, reciprocal relationship too?

[Addison312]

Can you not see this guy is selfish? He cares not about what you need and is unwilling to give it to you. He wants to stick his wang in other chicks and has an excuse for wanting to do so. He wants to have his cake and eat it too and you're sitting there actually contemplating giving him exactly what he wants. You're buying his BS. There's a problem, he knows it, yet won't do anything about it but say that's the way he is/he's afraid and hopes you'll stick around on the side. So selfish!

Open relationships aren't something I'd ever consider (and the topic has been discussed in a past relationship) because it goes against my goals, morals, and values. BOTH people must want to explore it and from what I've read, the relationship must be strong, honest, and with good boundaries. It's an exploration for the two involved, not a compromise.

[Addison312]

OP, this man aside, what do YOU want out of life? I think you should be asking yourself that and then trying to figure out if this guy measures up. Sounds like he isn't able to give you what you need.

[Iguanna]

he is not mentally ready to be in a monogamous relationship. He was "traumatized" by a woman nearly 9 years ago.

 

This is all I read. I've heard the story before. Women who get attached with these guys are really confident that they'll change them ("he says that now but when he sees how good I am in bed, in cooking, in cleaning ..... etc, he will change his mind"). In fact I know a girl with such a guy. She is with him for 4 years now and she hasn't even met his parents. He doesn't want her to move in with him. Sometimes she gets mad and leaves him, only to take him back and go through the same. For me this phrase "not mentally ready to be in a monogamous relationship" means "I want to f#ck many girls, not only one, are you interested in joining my harem?".

 

I'd run. Run. And run some more.

[ToThinkIs]

This is all I read. I've heard the story before. Women who get attached with these guys are really confident that they'll change them ("he says that now but when he sees how good I am in bed, in cooking, in cleaning ..... etc, he will change his mind"). In fact I know a girl with such a guy. She is with him for 4 years now and she hasn't even met his parents. He doesn't want her to move in with him. Sometimes she gets mad and leaves him, only to take him back and go through the same. For me this phrase "not mentally ready to be in a monogamous relationship" means "I want to f#ck many girls, not only one, are you interested in joining my harem?".

 

I'd run. Run. And run some more.

 

Thank you. This resonates with me a lot.

 

He was honest with me about sleeping with this girl two weeks ago, because he knows he can't lie to me, and I had previously told him I can no longer be intimate with him if he is sleeping with someone else, even temporarily. I didn't want to share that with another person, for emotional and health reasons.

 

He accepted that part. But he's asked me if we can't still be "friends"-- he defines this friendship as me basically continuing to fulfill every other "girlfriend" role I had before, sans the sex (which I'm sure he hopes that I'd change my mind on, but that's another story).

 

he has always considered me the most amazing cook, and I am. I am damn good at it and he loved it when I , very frequently, made him amazing dinners. He loved sitting on the balcony , sharing a bottle of wine, have deep meaningful conversations about everything , things he doesnt tell anyone else, until the wee hours of the night. He loved snuggling on the sofa and watching a movie together, listening to music together.

 

He basically wants to get all the girlfriend stuff from me-- the cooking, the emotional support, the conversation, the friendship, the comfort (He tells me I "feel like home" to him.) I'm sure he would also like the sex part, as we have a great sex life and he tells me I give him the best BJ's hes ever experienced. But since he's not getting that from me, he's trying to get all the good girlfriend stuff from me while still banging this new 25 year old girl he recently met. A girl he cares nothing for, and already intends to trade in for whatever else comes along in the next weeks or month. The common factor is always me. I am the comfort to him. I am HOME for him . But my vagina, sadly, is just not enough variety for him at this moment in time, as much as he likes it just fine.

 

And I tell myself just what you said-- surely he loves me, he loves my cooking skills, my conversation, my emotional suport, he likes that im a good listener, and he likes all thes things about me....yet he still refuses to keep his wang in one vaginal agreement, namely mine. He wants it to dilly dally in random vaginas that offer it to him. He wants me there with random sidepieces filtering in and out.

 

I want to tell him to go eff himself and go NC. just stop talking to him. I'm drunk writing this, apologies if it sounds discombobulated.

 

I want to tell him off. But Im also contemplating acceting his invitation to come over one evening, cook dinner as usual, but then not allow him to touch me the whole evening and see how he feels about it. I want to torture him jut a little bit and make him truly understand what he is giving up one last time.

 

CHRIST, this situation is driving me mad. Maybe I could do an open relationship if there were strict rules. If he saw random women with no emotional attacchments. That he told them he was in an open relatonship and I am the main priority. or whatever. Maybe this cold work for the time being until I figure out if he really ever has the capacity to change his behaviour

 

THnoghts? sorry. im much more coherent when sober. cheers for the advice, on my cake-eating SOB boy here . 37 year old man acting like a damn fool man-child.

[thinkingofhim]

If there's one thing I've learned so far its that staying longer does not make it any easier to leave...

[soccerrprp]

If there's one thing I've learned so far its that staying longer does not make it any easier to leave...

 

...more invested, more longing......harder to leave.

[spiderowl]

The guy is getting everything he wants from you and wants more. What you really want is a commitment and he's not going to give you that. Should you compromise on something that matters deeply to you? Personally, I would not be happy with a guy that wasn't totally interested in me and me only. Anything less than that would not be worth the risk of involvement.

[spiderowl]

"He's been in this pattern of jumping around, and not having to withhold from hitting on a random woman if he wants to, that he doesn't want to change."

 

He's incredibly immature and wishy-washy. Of course he wants you in his life - you sound a lovely, understanding person - but why would you want someone so slippery? Honestly, I see this guy as having no backbone and he will sleep with other women and he will hurt you. He's already said so. He's admitted to his history. It is not just a 'bad habit'. It is the way he is.

 

He wants a Mum to come home to. If she can throw in sex as well, that's a bonus!

[Janesays]

Wow. The only thing I got from your post is that you ate every spoonful of crap that he fed you.

 

I was 'traumatized' 9 years ago and now I just cat be faithful. Ha! Can't believe you fell for that nonsense!

[Purepony]

Great tactic I like his plan I think I'm going to start using the same one...

 

Have my cake and eat it too

[Epsilonlyr]

Ok first off, those that said you should not pursue an open relationship with this guy are right. If what you say is true, he's doing it for the wrong reasons. He's afraid of commitment, it sounds. And an open relationship will only make you miserable unless A) you are actually interested in having one or B) your current relationship is so strong and your communication is so good that the two of you are like a pair of professional conflict resolution specialists willing/able to work through any dilemma. Open relationships can only exist on a foundation of trust. Him cheating is a really bad start and I'm sorry to have to say it because I see that you care deeply for this guy. And I know what it's like to love someone who hurts you.

 

Last thing: I've done a lot of research on open relationships, specifically polyamorous ones. If you are seriously considering that, I do not suggest this forum (note some of the more ignorant comments in this very thread... although they are certainly entitled to their opinions). Go to the following websites for a more fair and concise explanation:

 

A great FAQ site:

More Than Two

 

An excellent forum. There are monogamous and poly people on here that will give you honest advice from experience:

Polyamory.com

[Divasu]

This man is probably better suited for someone who is more aligned with his lifestyle. It's not fair to either of you to be an arrangement that goes against your beliefs. Personally, the concept of open relationships, polygamy, swingers, etc. makes me queasy and I'd lose all respect for the person which is why it would never work.

 

You both have different ideas of what a relationship entails... Consider the fact that continuing on with this arrangement may ultimately end with your emotional demise.