Feeling so low....

[GeneralJennyJenn]

I know its a combination of having a bad cold, pms and the recent troubles with my ex who once again sent me more texts this morning 'if you are spreading lies about me it needs to stop. If you have an issue with me then we should meet like adults and hash it out before things escalate. We were finished years ago and I have no desire to be either your friend or enemy but if you are doing me wrong then I will do the same. So just be an adult.'

 

I have no idea why he is still at me about meeting him? I have maintained NC since Nov 23rd. I am trying so hard to stay afloat emotionally after a very tryng past few weeks. I am too sick today to go to the Family Justice Center. I am feeling so alone and like I will never find anyone else. I feel jealous my ex moved on and already has a gf who is 11 years younger then me. And very pretty. I feel like I am being treated like garbage and I wish I had never ever let my ex come back into my life like I did last month. I hadn't seen him in over 8 months and with the exception of one short visit in Sept and his constant text messages every few weeks during the time I had been doing so well. I really feel crummy and hopeless today. I am not in a good place. I don't know how much more of this I can take? I feel like a major loser who is incapable of having a normal healthy relationship with a nice guy and I think I will end up an old maid.

 

The only thing that's keeping me from really falling apart is my job, my project and my family and friends. I am just down for the count right now.

[FortunateSon]

It sounds like you have 4 great things going for you right now: family, friends, your project, and your job. Perhaps cutting contact with him and focusing on the good things in your life will slowly, but surely get you back on track.

[GeneralJennyJenn]

Read my former threads, you will understand I have tried to maintain NC for a LONG time now. My toxic ex is obsessive!

[Chris715]

Hey Jenn, sorry to hear that the cold is in full swing now. I always hate getting sick when I'm already feeling down mentally. It makes trying to stay positive that much harder and some days you really have no choice but to stay home and in bed. That's when all those demons that have been bothering us seem to come out when no distractions are available.

 

Take care of yourself first and foremost. Don't feel bad you can't go to work or do anything else, take it easy for as long as you have to and hopefully you can speed your recovery. Do anything, and I mean ANYTHING you can to keep yourself distracted while you're down and out. If that means reading your favorite book, watching a movie you've already seen 10 different times, being on here all day reading peoples posts, then do it!

 

And I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely and hung up on the ex and his selfish behavior towards you is definitely not helping matters. If you need to talk to people then call your family, call a friend, post on here, shoot me a pm. Whatever it takes!

 

As you probably know I've been having an equally hard time with things lately but sometimes I think we just need to hang in there, and let it pass.

[Mario79]

Hey Jen.

 

Whats your project?

 

It sucks to be in an emotional rollercoaster, and then being at the mercy of your body your mind gives in.

 

I had a lousy day because my mind just wonders all the time to places it shouldnt and suffered a cold myself. It has been impossible for me to focus and at work I feel isolated.

 

I send you well wishes, wish I could do more.

[GeneralJennyJenn]

You guys every one who takes the time to respond and offer suggestions or support is helping me. I am grateful for all of you!

 

My project is a book, I was contacted by a publishing company and recently signed a contract. It will take a year and a half to develop the book and I have asked two depenedable smart friends of mine to co-author the book with me. Its something I have mulled over doing for 5 years and now its becoming a reality! The best part is the fact that I also do filmmaking in my free time and this is going to come extremely handy for researching the book and interviewing my subjects. I am very very very amped about this and will be discussing my outline with the two friends on Sunday via Skype as they live elsewhere. Its kind of like all the years I have volunteered and made an effort to make my art (never expecting fame or fortune) it incidentally prepared me for the next chapter (pun intended) in my life.

 

Took a nap, sort of. Dreamt of the ex and his new girlfriend showed up at my door while I am sick in my monkey covered bathrobe and they look great confronting me and trying to force their way into my apartment. It was an anxiety dream. The ex has gotten me all wound up and worried about ruining my reputation at my job. Which by the way my boss was so sympathetic to me and assured me that I am not the first employee of hers to have someone basically stalking them and trying to ruin their credibility. I am blessed to have so many supporters in my life and people who stand by me.

 

Made some chicken soup, yum. Watching Frosty the snowman, and hanging with my cat. Hoping tomorrow is a better day emotionally but won't beat myself up if it isn't.

[Mario79]

Awesome . That's a project you can really sink yourself in and forget. Not only that you are creating and producing. Not anyone can do that. I hope when its ready youll let us know

[JDPT]

Your external factors are clearly affecting your emotional state which I can certainly resonate. About a week ago I sprained my. MCL badly, of course I can't go to the gym anymore and ever since then I've been so depressed and ruminating again. I was doing so well and now this injury. All I can say is to hang on tight and ride this bad wave. I've read a line that can relate to your current situation and goes along the lines of this: "don't hope for the rain to pass, but rather think of the many things you can do while it pours" hope this helps as it appears we are both on the same boat.

[JoelBarish]

Frosty WAS on tonight but I didn't watch. Chicken Soup always sounds good when I am sick. . It sounds like you have a good job and a lot of other good things in your life. Stay Strong. You will get through this

 

You guys every one who takes the time to respond and offer suggestions or support is helping me. I am grateful for all of you!

 

My project is a book, I was contacted by a publishing company and recently signed a contract. It will take a year and a half to develop the book and I have asked two depenedable smart friends of mine to co-author the book with me. Its something I have mulled over doing for 5 years and now its becoming a reality! The best part is the fact that I also do filmmaking in my free time and this is going to come extremely handy for researching the book and interviewing my subjects. I am very very very amped about this and will be discussing my outline with the two friends on Sunday via Skype as they live elsewhere. Its kind of like all the years I have volunteered and made an effort to make my art (never expecting fame or fortune) it incidentally prepared me for the next chapter (pun intended) in my life.

 

Took a nap, sort of. Dreamt of the ex and his new girlfriend showed up at my door while I am sick in my monkey covered bathrobe and they look great confronting me and trying to force their way into my apartment. It was an anxiety dream. The ex has gotten me all wound up and worried about ruining my reputation at my job. Which by the way my boss was so sympathetic to me and assured me that I am not the first employee of hers to have someone basically stalking them and trying to ruin their credibility. I am blessed to have so many supporters in my life and people who stand by me.

 

Made some chicken soup, yum. Watching Frosty the snowman, and hanging with my cat. Hoping tomorrow is a better day emotionally but won't beat myself up if it isn't.

[GeneralJennyJenn]

Wow guys so after being awake for a mere few hrs here and there (I am the type when I am sick, I just go into a coma as much as possible. Sleep does the body good) I woke up a little while ago to make sure the kitty had fresh water and food and enjoyed (NOT) another round with Puffs ultra soft and strong tissues I thought hey lets check emails..bad idea. Two messages waiting from the ex. And since I have no self control when it comes to that kind of stuff, I opened them both up. To my surprise they were short and humble. He asked if I would meet on chat and that despite everything I have been the only one there for him all these years and how alone he feels. He mentioned something personal about his life. Then in the second email he says he doesn't want bad blood between us and that neither one of us really wants to hurt the other. That he wants to sit down and call it truce.

 

I almost caved in and responded. But I didn't. I feel like I am being cruel not to but there can be no truce between us. Too much damage and I feel all it will do is create more chaos in my life. Besides I am afraid I would start to love him again and I can't afford to do so. How am I ever going to move onto better relationships if I don't?

 

It is hard to turn away when any human being I cared about a lot when they reach out to me in such a manner. I know his problems are not mine but how do I get past feeling guilty for not replying? I naturally want to provide some solace for this man but I know I can't. Even when we were together his unhappiness knows no limits. I am at a lost as to why it is so important he sees me again? Why is he so obsessed?

 

Meanwhile when debating to reply to his messages I thought about all of you here on LS and I realize I can't be a hypocrite and not do as I say. I said I would maintain NC and I mean to follow through. I cannot keep making exception for a man who no longer is really a part of my life despite his effort to remain so.

 

I guess I just need some reassurances I made the right choice here to maintain NC? Its been now 2 weeks and I am proud I have not caved in once. I was proactive and filed the harassment report, informed my boss about the possibility of more nuttiness and I am keeping my boundaries. I am learning how to protect myself from people who do not have my best interest in mind. My only question is why in doing all of this do I not feel stronger and glad to be doing so? But instead like a big meanie who has no heart And no its not just cuz I am sick, I would feel guilty regardless if I was healthy and well.

[Chris715]

Way to stay strong Jenn! You're self control is much better than mine would've been in a similar situation. I know it's hard but you absolutely should NOT feel guilty about remaining NC with this guy. Keep in mind this is the guy who only days ago sent you all sorts of angry threatening messages, trying to ruin your reputation, your job, your livelihood.

 

Maybe he realized the threats weren't working to get your attention and changed up tactics to try to get some kind of response. Whatever the reason this guy is clearly toxic and you did what you had to by not responding with the emails. Believe me, I know NC is hard. I'm over 3 months NC myself and every day I'm still tempted to unblock her on Facebook and send her a message.

 

Keep staying strong, stay NC, and let's both get through this.

[SerCay]

Hi Jenn,

 

Please don't feel guilty. I used to feel guilty all. the. time. when my toxic ex suddenly decided he was in a caring mood. I found a method for it, very obvious, very simple: every time he's in a caring mood, you think about the things he did to you, the way he treated you, then after this you tell yourself that his caring mood is just a breadcrumb, he can change back to his toxic self in an instant.

 

The only reason he's probably being ''sweet'' atm is because he notices you're really at it to move on. He's trying to reel (my favourite word of these weeks) you back in...

 

If you were the only one that was ever there for him and he appreciated that, then he shouldnt have done what he has.

 

Reading what you have going on in your life currently, project and job and family etc., you are wayyy too successful and confident to keep stuck on him. What does he have besides a ''PYT''. And...it's probably only perceived like this by you, she probably isn't all that and you, when you feel better and take good care of yourself, are probably pretty hot yourself!

 

Focus on your goals, focus on your career, get the mindset of: I'm on my own path and I'm successfull, I'm living my life for me and no one else.

 

I wrote a lot because I feel your pain...I'm in a similar situation, my ex is a similar kind of person. You already know I've been NC for a while now as well.

 

Good luck to you, you can do this, life is too short...

[GeneralJennyJenn]

Not sure what PYT is and thank you so much for your comments I did read your thread and it does seem like we were both dating a NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) men. I am trying hard to do as you suggested and remember the terrible times whenever he does try to contact me. Its hard because I really did think he was the one for a long time. Crazy I know

[TrappedWanderer]

I feel the same way, Jenny...thought he was the one. Even though he's now shown his true (awful) colors, it's hard to forget all the good you thought there was. Sigh. I just try and re-focus on the bad stuff-not to the point where it gets me angry, but just to remind me that I'm better off without him, even if it doesn't always feel like that.

[FortunateSon]

Stay strong Jenn, don't do it!! I made the mistake of responding to my ex's request for closure and "making peace", it has definitely set me back. I had been NC and moving on, and her texts and emails have undone a lot of healing and progress I have made. It has made me question and revisit a lot of things I don't want or need to. It was selfish on her part, it did nothing to help me heal or move on.

[SerCay]

Hi Jenny,

 

Yes, among npd he had several other traits and masturbation addiction. But on the other hand he also was my best buddy ever, I'd never had fun with anyone like that or met anyone witty like him. I actually wonder if i ever will... but yeah i choose to be alone rather than treated disrespectful...

 

I hope you're doing well.. please PM me if you feel the need, we can share experiences and support each other since we have similar circumstances.

 

Xo Ser

 

Ps. Pyt stands for pretty young thing.. its the title of a michael jackson song

[GeneralJennyJenn]

PYT eh? I am not always up to music and what's hip

 

My cold is about 2/3rd done hooray. Forced myself to work today and then hit the food store on the way home, am exhausted.

 

I am still so surprised my ex current PYT gf even contacted me to request all 3 of us have a sit down and 'hash it out' what is there to hash out? Her boyfriend my ex won't stop contacting me? He lied to me when he said he was single and I stupidly had sex with him when I was very down and vulnerable a few weeks ago. This is absurd both of my ex and his gf asking for a 'sit down' no thank you. My ex must be a moron because his numerous texts and emails stated he 'dump her' a long time ago and even at the end of Sept sends me a naked photo of his johnson telling me 'its all for you' right...me and how many other women you're juggling??? Would only confirm what I told the gf a few weeks ago. But I think I am better off not agreeing to anything with those two and maintaining NC.

 

I just hope the two of them get tired of this game and actually leave me alone. And I am so glad LS exist and for all of you here struggling along with me. It makes me feel less alone and more sane.

[SerCay]

PYT eh? I am not always up to music and what's hip

 

My cold is about 2/3rd done hooray. Forced myself to work today and then hit the food store on the way home, am exhausted.

 

I am still so surprised my ex current PYT gf even contacted me to request all 3 of us have a sit down and 'hash it out' what is there to hash out? Her boyfriend my ex won't stop contacting me? He lied to me when he said he was single and I stupidly had sex with him when I was very down and vulnerable a few weeks ago. This is absurd both of my ex and his gf asking for a 'sit down' no thank you. My ex must be a moron because his numerous texts and emails stated he 'dump her' a long time ago and even at the end of Sept sends me a naked photo of his johnson telling me 'its all for you' right...me and how many other women you're juggling??? Would only confirm what I told the gf a few weeks ago. But I think I am better off not agreeing to anything with those two and maintaining NC.

 

I just hope the two of them get tired of this game and actually leave me alone. And I am so glad LS exist and for all of you here struggling along with me. It makes me feel less alone and more sane.

 

I think he's telling her the opposite, I think he's telling her things like, ''I feel sorry I hurt her so much, that's why I keep talking to her'', If he were telling her the truth, that he's obsessed with contacting you and still loves you, she wouldn't be so agreeable... She'd be angry with him or leave him.

 

He's trying to talk smooth to both sides, but you know what he's doing. BUT he also knows that you're too mature to rat on him to his new gf..that's why he's not panicking yet by her attempts to contact you. What do you think?

 

I say let her have an overview of his texts about dumping her and them block them both and live your successfull life.

 

End of era *sswhole.

[GeneralJennyJenn]

I already told her about this a few weeks ago when it all started. I don't care what bull he is feeding the PYT but I just want to be left alone once and for all. I broke up with him almost 3 years ago (In April is will be 3 years since I reclaim my life) and I was doing soooo well till last month ugh.

 

I made the mistake of letting him stay in touch with me rather than NC. I thought maybe we could be friends but nope it sure isn't going to happen. He used me to cheat on his current gf and then when I busted him, he continued to lie to me soI contacted her (wish I never did) but I was reacting emotionally rather than logically. My ex always did bring out the worst in me.