is there such thing as a third chance?

[swimmingrolo]

So, let me begin by describing myself, so you can get an idea how I ended on this spot in the first place.

 

I'm a 24 year old graduate student. Have always been very well-liked, and have always been very active when pursuing my love interests. At times, more than one of the time (never while on a relationship however). I like deep human connection; to be able to feel the way you feel, or exploring why you feel that way. I always try to please others, only if it is convenient for me (sort of a compassionate selfish person). If someone or something captivates my attention, it is hard to stop and define clear boundaries, so I don't hurt anyone or myself.

 

Now on to my story...

 

I dumped my (ex) girlfriend 6 weeks ago. And I've realized it was a mistake and want her back. Only problem is, that she gave me a second chance early in our relationship.

 

My reasons for dumping her are somewhat vague right now. At first, I dumped her because I had an identity crisis; I was in a long distance relationship (she lives in Michigan, where she works, and I moved to Illinois to pursue my masters degree) unhappy because I wasn't with her, stressed with a fulltime courseload and two part-time jobs. I no longer knew what my future held, as she was stuck because of work, and after graduation, my mentality was to take a job anywhere. So that started building pressure inside of me.

 

Then, we had families in different states. I hated to have to pick where to go to the holidays; if it was with my family, then she wouldn't be with her family, and if I spent the holidays with her (really nice and kind) family, I would be sad because I wasn't with mine. So as we started planning the holidays, I found myself deciding what to do for the christmas holiday. We agreed on going to visit my family first, and then spending the second half of the break (new years) with her parents. I thought it was fair, except that I wanted to spend the whole time with my family. An argument ensued, tempers flared (this rarely happened), things were said, and I lost it.

 

Frustrated by the distance, seeing that I wasn't sure how we could work out the future with her, and divided by family priorities, I decided to break. Except I didn't want to pull the plug. She, as the amazing woman she is, was very apologetic and try to work a compromise. I, on the other hand, was bratty and hurt, and said I wanted to prioritize career and family (GIANT MISTAKE, as deep inside she was my number 1 priority). She proposed a break, I said it wasn't fair. She talked about breaking up then, but I didn't want it. Somewhere in my head, despite the gravity of the situation, I brushed off this whole situation as if it were a business decision. I couldn't decide if I wanted a break or break up, so she pulled the plug.

 

Right after I had effectively dumped her and shattered her heart, I realized I was an idiot. Afraid of upsetting her more (since she asked me not to contact her), I sucked up my guilt and tried to live life. 4 weeks after the break up, I couldn't continue pretending I was fine. It was clear to me she is the woman of my dreams, I wasn't sleeping, eating, missed her, and was feeling really depressed, regretting every word that came out of my mouth. I knew I had made an impulsive decision, without thinking straight, blinded by rage. I was so damn heartless it made me sick to my stomach.

 

The last two weeks I've been trying my hardest to show her I love her and want her in my life. That I'm willing to communicate and never let go of what we had. I loved her so much, and I truly wanted to grow old with her. But apparently, I contacted her too late. I gave her space because she asked for it! she grieved me a couple of weeks, and since I was MIA, she gave up hope. Those first couple of weeks my heart was bleeding, with no end in sight. I had never practiced so much self-restrain in my life. So naturally the paradox is how she waited my call, gave up, while I thought I was doing what she needed, with my heart in my hand.

 

Another factor complicating everything, is that I cheated on her early in the relationship. One night, after too many drinks, and after a very stressful couple of days at work, I hooked up with my roommates sister. At the time, I knew better. This girl always wanted me, always flirted, and always insinuated herself to me. But since I struggled drawing clear boundaries, I gave in after 6 hours of straight drinking. At the time, I had been dating my girlfriend for a month. I immediately admitted my wrongdoing, and worked hard to gain her trust back. I was upset at myself for becoming a cheater, and even though I had only dated her a month, I knew I wanted her for the long haul. So I begged, worked on myself, and showed her she could trust me again.

 

After that little incident, she gave me a second chance. And the next two years were wonderful. She was my queen and I treated her the best I could. I reminded her how much I loved her, I built wonderful memories with her. We had a perfect life together. We traveled, intimacy was always amazing, and the emotional connection was something I've never felt before. Then I moved to Chicago. And the rest is history.

 

She knows I made a mistake, she understands what happened, and still feels love for me. But she lost the trust again. Add distance to the equation, and then we have a less than ideal scenario. She said we could be back together, if I hadn't cheated early on in the relationship. Now she things she should move on, despite being aware that she may never love someone the way she loved me. I've came all the way to visit her, I've pleaded, I even looked into moving back to Michigan, to work on us at the expense of my education. She doesn't buy it. Despite the fat I've never been more certain about wanting her the rest of my life.

 

What should I do? She wants to move on, despite the fact that she's admitted that she wants to reverse time and have everything we had again. I'm trying to fight but I'm loosing motivation. I haven't slept in 2 days, barely eaten anything, and cried like never before.

 

Should I give up?

Or keep fighting? how?

 

Thank you for reading this whole thing.

[BOREDouttaMymind]

fighting for what? to waste more time on loveshack.com, so you can ask the same thing again in a year?

 

you know what to do, you just wont let go.

 

[Shaine]

Give her space. She needs to heal first before she can accept you.