Fluttershy Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 I just want to take moment away from the male beating of the chest and say this. It is true, many women desire a man who is full Of self respect. But that isn't true for only women. Many men Want a strong and confident woman too. It isn't about who roars the loudest in a healthy relationship from what I have observed, it is about the wayward spouse seeing someone who respects themselves enough to say "I will not be a doormat" gender doesn't matter and doing what they can to win the betrayed spouse back. If you respect yourselves and demand respect in return, You will often recieve the respect you demand. And if the wayward refuses to give it then you will be strong enough, even if it is hard, to hnd them divorce papers and show them the door.
HurtHalo79 Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 The fact he said 'I don't want to fight' means he was under the illusion that he was in charge of the meeting. You seem very religious so I expect you feel forgiving her (as Jesus would teach) is the most constructive thing you can do right away. You may as well try and put a bandaid on a stab wound. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself....not her. 1
whiterabbit46 Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 For God's sake, man, WAKE UP! This so-called "wife" of yours is so far into the fog that she can't see you. And letting this OM get his two cents in was a MAJOR f-up on your part. He has no respect for you, your feelings, and obviously none for your sham marriage. She wants him. Let her have him. Send her on her way and climb out of the hole you've fallen into. She'll see soon enough what she's done. Just go completely dark on her. You're trying too hard, and because of that, she knows she can get away with anything and there will be no consequences. MAN UP!!! 1
tiredofitall2 Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 Man, have you been here long at all? Have you been to any other infidelity forums or read any books on dealing with affairs? If you do it will be a wake up call, you are doing everything reverse. I'm a believer too, but forgiveness is one thing and taking abuse and disrespect is another. Forgiveness and taking her back are two completely separate things. Second, you can forgive her now, but she is not really sorry! So it is not on you, it's on her.... The key is for you to forgive her and take her back only if she has completely changed her behavior, asks for forgiveness, shows she respects you and never ever contacts the OM again. Or, forgive her and divorce her if she doesn't do all the above.
Quiet Storm Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 I want to add that I know this hurts. This is not really about you and om, its about her. Her poor boundaries, her need for validation, her character issues. I agree that you should try to keep your family together, but understand that this is not really a success story. I think the level of disrespect indicates that she has some personal issues that need to be resolved. She needs therapy and to be introspective. Her issues go deeper than this affair. Since she is the mother of your child, encourage her to work on herself. Just be assertive and unwaivering, make it clear that her behavior is unacceptable, show her you will not tolerate it. Shine a light on her actions so that she can see how messed up she is.
SoleMate Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 D you have a child? I saw pregnancy but not a word about a child. It may make a difference here...as only the existence of a child would indicate the slightest reason to try to work on this train wreck. If you do have a child, how old, and who is caring for him/her while your W is "busy" and you are focussed on placating her? Oh I I underscore all the rest about how you need to find the dignity and self-respect to NOT TAKE the guff and your WW and OM have been dishing out. Especially OM.....criminy! Where is your backbone? Please find it! When the AP starts lecturing you about your M, the proper response is....none. Get up and leave and give your WW 5 seconds to accompany you. Sigh....
Betrayed&Stayed Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 (edited) "Never underestimate the power of denial" What success? She's still having an affair with OM. Why do you let the OM call your wife... for an hour!? Why do you let them remain connected on social media. I usually cringe when members on this forum use the tern "doormat", but in your case it is appropriate. Edited December 7, 2013 by Betrayed&Stayed
Oldspiceywolf Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 This poor dude thinks he's doing the right thing and I bet Jesus had a lot to do with it. He needs a dad to tell him he's being a doormat Couple more days of this action and he might as well throw away ever having a healthy relationship with another woman ever again. When you realize you let someone walk all over it's going to haunt you forever, it will destroy your ability to trust. You can forgive this woman but all she will think is who are you to forgive me, you don't have the power to forgive anyone because you lack too much self respect. It's not you she can't give up, it's the kid and the welfare check she gets from you in the form of love that require ls nothing in return. I believe OP is still reading this thread but didn't think he would be looked at as a fool. I think it would be safe to say that most of the LS posters want to support you but don't support the way you are going about this. Grow some dignity before this dude has your wife and your CHILD, because he feels he can take anything he wants from you
peruano99 Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 Your wife said she didn't love you and loves the other guy. I don't know how much clearer it can get....
jnel921 Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 I agree you need to remove "success" from this title thread... Success is when the BS is remorseful from the start and wants to R and maintains NC with the OP and will disclose all of the information of the A and provide full transparency. Success takes a lot of time... 5 weeks out from D-Day is still too painful. You are young, you may want to save this marriage so badly you are convincing yourself that this is a success, but you have a long road ahead of you. Good luck.
Fluttershy Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 This poor dude thinks he's doing the right thing and I bet Jesus had a lot to do with it. Jesus had nothing to do with it. Jesus made it pretty clear that infidelity was grounds for divorce. And the woman who was caught in adultry? She was told to stop doing that... Not continue her ways. 1
tiredofitall2 Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 Jesus had nothing to do with it. Jesus made it pretty clear that infidelity was grounds for divorce. And the woman who was caught in adultry? She was told to stop doing that... Not continue her ways. The problem is people take the "turn the other cheek" thing and to heart and forget everything else. Jesus was all about forgiving as long as the person repented and turned away from their sin. Poor guy is not answering any of the questions and I hate it seems like we are beating him up, but he should take this as a loving spankin so that he wakes up!
confusedandhurt2002 Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 Ignore any negatives on here. Keep on keeping on. I'm a Christian too. This is a very, very hard road. I found some good resources at http://www.affairrecovery.com. I have not paid for their online workshops and don't now that I will, but even the free stuff helped me a bit. Praying for you and your wife and your marriage. Another good book may be some by Gary Smalley, Kevin Leman or Stormie OMartian.
confusedandhurt2002 Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 Oh! and please go to AMazon.com and buy a DVD of Fireproof the movie and you can also get the book THe Love Dare. Ask your wife to watch the movie with you. You can also watch it on Amazon Instant. It was a huge eye opener to my husband and I and in the end we were sobbing and holding on to each other. My husband cheated on me with an ex girlfriend. Feel free to send me a private message if you can do that and feel comfortable doing so. Praying for you and your wife! You're young and you can do this! God heals marriages! (remind me of this during my next breakdown! oy)
confusedandhurt2002 Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 The problem is people take the "turn the other cheek" thing and to heart and forget everything else. Jesus was all about forgiving as long as the person repented and turned away from their sin. Poor guy is not answering any of the questions and I hate it seems like we are beating him up, but he should take this as a loving spankin so that he wakes up! He may be dealing with other things, but he also needs to give her some time to repent and that time frame may not have passed for him. Just a thought...not a criticism of you in any way!
tiredofitall2 Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 He may be dealing with other things, but he also needs to give her some time to repent and that time frame may not have passed for him. Just a thought...not a criticism of you in any way! No offense taken, the concern is that time is not on his side especially since she is getting deeper into the fog according to his posts. There is a good book by a christian author "I don't Love You Anymore" talks about though love and not being passive as his is being. His approach is wrong and he must be told so. So that he takes action the appropriate way.
confusedandhurt2002 Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 I understand what you are saying. Definitely.I'll have to look at that book...right now I have so many to read it is overwhelming!I just read as much of them as I can. But it sounds like he really does need the book. IT sort of makes me want to shake his wife for him. ;-) No offense taken, the concern is that time is not on his side especially since she is getting deeper into the fog according to his posts. There is a good book by a christian author "I don't Love You Anymore" talks about though love and not being passive as his is being. His approach is wrong and he must be told so. So that he takes action the appropriate way.
lilmisscantbewrong Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 I think this guy has left the building.
oldshirt Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 I think this guy has left the building. Yeah, one of two things here. Either he was a troll and just wanted to get a rise out of people. Or he really was that delusional and it was too much when people started popping his bubble.
Author PromiseKeeper Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 I haven't left the building, just didn't read all of this over the weekend. I don't really know where to start to respond to the many posts, but I can say that I am listening to your opinions and advice. As for my response based on Jesus, I know that I have Biblical grounds to divorce my wife. I am choosing to stay with her because I never fell out of love with her. I still love her and really want it to work. The one Sunday that I told her I was letting go is the closest I've come to actually falling out of love with her. In that moment, I was ready to move on. As for the meeting at Starbucks, the OM did not dominate me. I did not politely debate with him on the tenants of our marriage. He spewed his lies and I made him look like an idiot. When he tried to say I was forcing my wife to stay with me, I told her the decision was hers. When she chose to stay with me in front of the OM, it crushed him. Of course I wanted to jump across the table and beat the life out of him, but I have too much to live for to get myself tangled up in that kind of trouble. And lastly, yes it is too early to call this a success story. I really feel like it will be, so count it as a hopeful declaration.
drifter777 Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 If you do not get tougher and demand that she have no contact with OM, take full responsibility for her cheating, and be remorseful and willing to do whatever she has to do to try to rebuild the trust and love that she destroyed you have no chance. You are getting valuable experience from people who have gone through exactly what you are living through right now. They are telling you that your approach is wrong and is doomed to fail. You need to let these facts penetrate the layer of denial you are currently in to have any chance to save you marriage.
Betrayed&Stayed Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 As for my response based on Jesus, I know that I have Biblical grounds to divorce my wife. I am choosing to stay with her because I never fell out of love with her. I still love her and really want it to work. PK, I cannot stress these points strongly enough: 1 - Yes, Jesus teaches us to forgive (7x70). However, to borrow from Dietrich Bonhoeffer: there is costly grace and there is cheap grace. I'm afraid that you are offering your wife cheap grace. Sadly, your wife recognizes this and is taking advantage of it. 2 - Forgiveness does not equate to reconciliation. You can divorce your wife and still forgive her. 3 - Yes, you really want it to work. However, if your marriage is going to survive, your wife must also really want it work. From what you have posted, your wife does not match your desire to reconcile. Even after getting busted, she has continued her affair. Let that sink in. 1
JustJoe Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 First, in your opening post, you stated that your wife and you are Christians. Allow me to differ, your wife is most certainly NOT a Christian Lady. Second, OP, you are being weak, not strong. Like many weak persons you are justifying your weakness with Scripture. Do you have no self-respect or honor? Have you ever wondered how many times your wife has returned home to you begging to be taken back with her OM's semen still inside her? You talk and rail but you take no action, so why would she feel anything else but disrespect for you when you don't respect yourself? Forgiveness doesn't equate to weakness. Forgive her if you will, but stand up for yourself. You have warned, begged, cajoled, and given her repeated ultimatums and she consistantly violates them. Time to be a man, and defend your rights. 1
JustJoe Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I am sorry if my post is seemingly harsh, but I am trying to help you to take action. You are now a father, do you want your children to see your weakness?
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