Head or heart? Dating with a big age gap!

[Kyy]

So, I'm Kyle, I'm 37, I have 19yr old triplets, two sons and a daughter. That's how I usually introduce myself to strangers so I figure it's a good way to start this post.

 

Then I normally talk about my kids, there my world, I'm so proud of the people they've become. I can't take all the credit but they are without doubt my greatest achievement!

I'm a single dad, always have been, my girlfriend, my childhood sweetheart, tragically died in childbirth. That's the bit I usually avoids telling strangers, it always seems to dampen the mood, I guess people feel awkward, they don't know what to say.

 

She was my first girlfriend, my last girlfriend. I couldn't bring myself to date after her. For a long time I just wanted to plough everything into my kids. When they were 14 or so, I did go on a couple of dates, but it just felt wrong, so I stopped dating.

 

So then back in August I meet this girl, I say girl because that's exactly what she is, she's 24! We met we were both traveling for work, I was working on a conservation project in South America and she was part of the group we were trekking with because she was doing a shoot (she's a model!! 37 year old me, dating a 24 year old model...everyone's going to think I've gone and had a midlife crisis).

Anyway, she was cool, not my naïve idea of what a stereotypical model's like, we had a laugh in the time we spent together. Just as friends.

Kept in touch when we both got home, she doesn't live far from me.

 

Eventually we kind of crossed the line into more than friends. She wanted a relationship but I decided to put an end to it.

Its not that I don't like her, I do, she makes me feel a way that I didn't ever think I could feel again! But its wrong, she's a whole 13.5 years older than me and she's only just 5 years older than my kids! Than my daughter!!

I freaked out, called it off.

 

Only then I called her again, I should of probably, but I did. I missed her, its like she opens the door to a part of me that I didn't know I still had.

We've been seeing each other casually - I know she still wants more, tells me 'its okay, she doesn't care about the age gap' but I don't know why! She's young, beautiful, full of sunshine - she could have her pick of guys! I don't have much to offer her!

The last thing I want to do is to hurt her. I know if im going to stop this I need to do it soon and I need to do it cut completely not be wishy washy. Only I don't want to, I like spending time with her, I really like it.

 

How do you even begin to choose between your head and heart?

Im so confused, which I guess is how I ended up here, writing this!! Any advice you can give me will be very appreciated!

 

~ Kyle

[Shepp]

First massive respect to you for raising triplets by yourself!!

I have twins - triplets is another scale completely!

 

Secondly, if she could have her pick of guys but she picks you then isn't it worth giving it a shot? You deserve to be happy right!

 

Don't worry about strangers on the street - there'll always talk!

 

How do your kids feel?

[anne1707]

The age difference is not a big deal. It's whether you feel that you are both on the same page so to speak on your values, attitudes, lifestyle choices.... - simply put whether you feel compatible and happy together.

 

I think the more sensitive issue is how your children will feel - the age difference between them and your gf may be a problem. Or it may be that your children will be delighted that for once you are thinking of your happiness and not just their's.

[kenneth1010]

Anyway, she was cool, not my naïve idea of what a stereotypical model's like, we had a laugh in the time we spent together. Just as friends.

Kept in touch when we both got home, she doesn't live far from me.

 

Eventually we kind of crossed the line into more than friends. She wanted a relationship but I decided to put an end to it.

Its not that I don't like her, I do, she makes me feel a way that I didn't ever think I could feel again! But its wrong, she's a whole 13.5 years older than me and she's only just 5 years older than my kids!

 

You both clicked, thats hard to find and should be explored not discarded.

 

If it doesn't work out, then so be it, at least you will both know that you tried.

 

Getting the ok from the triplets maybe an issue but unless you ask them you will never know.

[Kyy]

You both clicked, thats hard to find and should be explored not discarded.

If it doesn't work out, then so be it, at least you will both know that you tried.

Secondly, if she could have her pick of guys but she picks you then isn't it worth giving it a shot? You deserve to be happy right!

 

I can't deny that! It's true! We do click, I do like her, being with her does make me happy!

 

 

How do your kids feel?

Getting the ok from the triplets maybe an issue but unless you ask them you will never know.

 

Yeah, I dunno...

my daughters been quite vocal for the past 3 years or so that I should be getting back into the dating world.

But this is different because she's so much younger, like I say, only 5 years older than them.

They don't know anything about her at them moment, I don't want to tell them if its not something that I'm going to make a go of. Only Cole, my older son knows im actually seeing anyone at all right now (cause he caught me with the cologne bottle )...though knowing them like I do, if one knows, the chances are all three probably have an idea.

 

I don't know how they'd react. I'm very close to my kids - if they weren't happy then I wouldn't progress it.

[tlegend]

You've been out of the game so long, you may just be clouding your judgement with latent feelings of wanting to find someone.

 

Although the age difference is a factor, I would think that you wouldn't base such an important decision on that as the main factor.

 

Considering your mental pros/cons list only has 1 con so far....her age, I think you should pursue this. Maybe it will be a learning experience as to why you weren't comfortable being with someone young in the first place.

 

I'm also about 90% positive that there is statistical research that shows women mature faster than men. Depending on that scale, you may be twitterpated over a woman who is technically more mature than you...

 

 

My 2 cents =)

 

BTW - Kudos to raising triplets. You are awesome.

[Kyy]

The age difference is not a big deal. It's whether you feel that you are both on the same page so to speak on your values, attitudes, lifestyle choices.... - simply put whether you feel compatible and happy together.

When im with her, I feel 100% compatible, not a doubt In my mind. Its when we're not im like 'Kyle she's 5 yrs older than Maddie', maybe if she was 5 years older or you were 5 years younger.

But the truth is I don't feel 37, and certainly not when im with her.

 

No one knows we're seeing each other but the people who've been around us both together, in a 'friends' capacity, always tend to comment: you get on so well or your so alike.

 

I think the more sensitive issue is how your children will feel - the age difference between them and your gf may be a problem. Or it may be that your children will be delighted that for once you are thinking of your happiness and not just their's.

There great kids, brilliant kids, I know there'd be over the moon for me to have a girlfriend.

That said I dunno how they'd feel about the age thing, I don't even know how I feel about the age thing.

[anne1707]

My family circumstances are different - but still complicated.

 

My father married my stepmother when she was 24, he was 40 and I was 16. The big complication was that she was the woman my father had an affair with and left my mother for. So all in all, not the ideal start to building a relationship with her. However whilst it was difficult at first, that was never because of the age difference. That was not a problem to me or my brother who was 2 years older than me. They are still together and very happy 30+ years later.

[Kyy]

You've been out of the game so long, you may just be clouding your judgement with latent feelings of wanting to find someone.

Like self sabotaging?

 

Considering your mental pros/cons list only has 1 con so far....her age, I think you should pursue this. Maybe it will be a learning experience as to why you weren't comfortable being with someone young in the first place.

It's true, I haven't got another con.

I had lots of cons about dating again, but about dating her, age is the only one!

 

It's not even her age, I'm probably not the most mature 37 year old anyway the only real issue is her closeness in age to my kids.

 

I'm also about 90% positive that there is statistical research that shows women mature faster than men. Depending on that scale, you may be twitterpated over a woman who is technically more mature than you...

I wouldn't doubt it for a second!!

 

BTW - Kudos to raising triplets. You are awesome.

Thank you

[HokeyReligions]

Triplets! YIKES!

 

My sisters second husband is a year younger than her oldest daughter.

 

Her ex married a woman the same age as the oldest.

 

It took a little time to adjust but they got to know each other and respect each other and are all close.

 

Talk to your kids. Find out how they feel. Be happy. You're allowed.

[happywithlife]

I think that the age difference may not be a huge deal to the kids if you don't play it up. The kids will see that she is younger than you but let them get to know her prior to telling them her age. Why would they need to know right off the bat?

 

It will also be important that she not treat them as equals or as their mom. She is an adult to be respected in this situation.

 

I think you also might want to explore the age difference mainly because if things work out, she may want kids of her own. You've raised 3 kids to adulthood. Do you want to do that all over again from the beginning?

[pteromom]

You want to balance head and heart.

 

But what you are calling head isn't head.

 

Head means: do you want the same things in life? Does she want children, and if so, do you want more? Does she want marriage? Do you? How does she feel about you having children almost as old as she is? Are you financially compatible (wanting the same things in that area and similarly responsible)?

 

If you ask all these kinds of questions and you line up, then an age gap isn't a reason not to pursue a relationship.

 

If you are on the same page, then it is time to talk to your children. I'd get them all together somewhere, and just tell them that you are seeing someone and want to get more serious, but that she's 24. She what they say. Answer their questions honestly.

 

Go from there.

 

If you keep stringing your girl along, eventually she's going to back off to protect her heart. Don't let that happen if you think it is right.

[StanMusial]

I'm 11 years older than my gf. I don't have kids and never married though. I was skeptical at first but she is an impressive lady so the age gap doesn't bother me.

 

It gets harder to meet single, unencumbered people past the age of 30. If you feel there is something there you should give it a chance.

[Kyy]

ithink you also might want to explore the age difference mainly because if things work out, she may want kids of her own. You've raised 3 kids to adulthood. Do you want to do that all over again from the beginning?

 

Head means: do you want the same things in life? Does she want children, and if so, do you want more? Does she want marriage? Do you? How does she feel about you having children almost as old as she is? Are you financially compatible (wanting the same things in that area and similarly responsible)?

I have thought about the kids thing, weve onlt spoke very casually about it, her saying 'it would be nice if it hapoens but its not vital to her' but I know most girls want to have their own kids at some point in there lives.

Am I actively seeking out having more kids? No.

But my kids are the best thing be ever done, being a dad is my favourtie thing on the whole planet. I was only 18 when I had my kids, I was just a boy really, we grew up together, they taught me as much as I taught them!

For that reason I can understand why someone would want there chance at having a family so I'd be a lot older this time but if she wanted it I'd do it all again, all the night feeds and school runs and taxi servicing, I'd do it all again if she wanted to.

 

Financially she's from a more middle class background where as I'm working class blood but shes very down to earth, not high maintenence at all, I don't think there's any real issues on that front.

 

If you are on the same page, then it is time to talk to your children. I'd get them all together somewhere, and just tell them that you are seeing someone and want to get more serious, but that she's 24. She what they say. Answer their questions honestly.

I like this idea, I feel like I do what them to know from the start. Like I say I'm close to my kids, I want to be honest with them and I want there blessing.

If I didn't have that I couldn't progress the relationship.

 

If you keep stringing your girl along, eventually she's going to back off to protect her heart. Don't let that happen if you think it is right.

I know. I don't want to do that. The last thing I want to do is hurt her in any way, I'm not that kind of guy.

She's been more than patient with me, I really feel like now I owe her some clarity.

[Targetlock]

If you feel there is a connection, you should go for it and good luck

[Ninjainpajamas]

You're either a guy with a conscience or you're not...and if you don't got one...well you'll take em at any age without blinking an eye, if you do have one..for many it'll just take some work to peg out that little "this feels a little wrong" feeling, it's your mind telling you that you know better. After all, If the women are available and open to it, it's hard for many men to say no.

 

And let's be honest, if it was a guy your age going after one of your daughters...you'd probably not be too happy about it to say the least, because we're men...we know why, so we'll most naturally want to kill him. However of course when it's YOU as the man...different story for most.

 

Otherwise you've just been out of the loop romantically for quite some time, so it's natural to feel quite smitten by someone who's young, attractive and you've really allowed yourself to connect with while prioritizing your kids...and although she may seem "mature" and all of that good stuff keep in mind she'll never have your experience and even though you may feel like you've got an immature streak in some ways it'll still be apparent for you in some not-so-obvious ways in time...it's really easy to feel impulsive and just paint someone with the mature brush because they can speak and think like a grown-up but you'll see the cracks more as you get to know her and are seeing a bit more clearly/rationally/logically.

 

As a 33 year old guy myself...and experienced, it's fish in a barrel for anything early to mid 20's and under..personally I haven't been able to do it yet (women considerable younger), I just know too much about women at this point and my conscience still bothers me because I'm mature and wise about love and dating so I know too much for my own good. I've met some intriguing women considerably younger, but still...the reality is I know better...how long I can maintain that "standard" in 2013...where women date men 20 to 30 years older them...it does feel a bit foolish to restrict yourself from a pool of young available women, but like I said...It's hard when you know too much already and young women can be very inexperienced and easily impressionable...you get brownie points for attributes that they automatically envision you having for basically doing nothing at all.

 

At any rate, it's your own face you got to look at in the mirror...and then your kids, if you can deal with the outside opinions and critique, including your own children...well then go for it, however keep in mind kids pay attention more to what you do than what you say...so If a 40 year old guy is taking out your 20 something daughter and charming her pants off, don't be too surprised, basically you're telling them "age is just a number" if dad does it so can I.

 

So think real hard if this is something you want to do...maybe have a chat with a few (what do you call them, "mates"?) and maybe even speak with your kids about how they would feel...who knows, maybe they think you're such a great guy that you just deserve to be happy and will think nothing of it, or maybe they'll think you should date someone a little bit closer to your own age.

 

My advice at this point would be....keep her on the side, out of the limelight, she seems ok with the arrangement which in girl vision means she's just waiting for you to commit (she's younger remember that part?)...if you guys are still around "dating" in the future and things are getting serious then gradually introduce her...otherwise, wouldn't stir the pot unnecessarily...plus you'll know down the line a little more if she's someone you actually want a relationship with. And honestly once she gets to her 30's, people will probably care less about it...even if you were messing around with her the whole time....In my opinion, I honestly don't think it'll last which is why I think it'll be easier to just keep her out of the picture. Then you don't even have to explain yourself or inform your kids about this, a bridge you never had to cross and saved face.

 

Your heart usually wants what is not realistic...your head is trying to lead you down the right road, where you should go...because that includes your gut feeling, you already "know" what you need to do, you're either in denial and don't want to accept that, trying to find a way around it with self-talk or just truly scared of the consequences.

 

So think about the big picture, consider the true potential of this...because you know more than you're admitting to yourself...it's just a matter of accepting that then either dealing with the consequences (heart) or thinking it through and making the best decision for yourself (head) and either avoiding it if that is what is best or going about it a different way...impulsiveness and emotions serves the heart, hesitation and patience serves the mind.

[Kyy]

And let's be honest, if it was a guy your age going after one of your daughters...you'd probably not be too happy about it to say the least, because we're men...we know why, so we'll most naturally want to kill him. However of course when it's YOU as the man...different story for most.

Absorutly, of course! If a guy my age was hanging around maddie, I would not be happy!

I'd be worried for her, id think he was going to mess her about.

 

Otherwise you've just been out of the loop romantically for quite some time, so it's natural to feel quite smitten by someone who's young, attractive and you've really allowed yourself to connect with while prioritizing your kids...and although she may seem "mature" and all of that good stuff keep in mind she'll never have your experience and even though you may feel like you've got an immature streak in some ways it'll still be apparent for you in some not-so-obvious ways in time...it's really easy to feel impulsive and just paint someone with the mature brush because they can speak and think like a grown-up but you'll see the cracks more as you get to know her and are seeing a bit more clearly/rationally/logically.

I totally agree, she doesn't have my life experience. I guess the thing is that it doesn't really matter if she was 24, 34 or 44, most people have no idea what its like to be an 18yr old kid suddenly on your own with 3 babies to raise and have to man up and grow up quicker than you thought you ever would.

So yeah, in that way she is immature, but I don't know if that's the worst thing in the world. I kind of like the upbeat way she looks at life. So many people have such a beaten down outlook and its something I've always tried to, and hope succeeded in avoiding.

Yeah she can't cook without risk of setting the kitchen or her hair alight, and because of my job I think my geography knowledge would be pretty unrivalled in any relationship. But she'd be much more at home in a fancy restaurant than I would, and she could run rings round me if the subject was fashion designers.

She is young, and from a different background so there is differences, but I don't think in that regard its unworkable.

 

At any rate, it's your own face you got to look at in the mirror...and then your kids, if you can deal with the outside opinions and critique, including your own children...well then go for it

People will talk of course they will, 'Ky's dating a model who's just had her 24th birthday' - If it was a guy down the street i'd think he was having a midlife crisis! People will always talk, I can't please the masses. They talked when my gf got pregnant 19 years ago!

My kids opinions and critique is incredibly important to me! If they had an issue id stop the relationship in its tracks.

 

however keep in mind kids pay attention more to what you do than what you say...so If a 40 year old guy is taking out your 20 something daughter and charming her pants off, don't be too surprised, basically you're telling them "age is just a number" if dad does it so can I.

Of course, and I hope if it comes to me telling them then I can make them understand its because I really like this girl and that the building blocks of our relationship is that not our ages.

However i'm not perfect, I don't pretend to be to anyone, let alone my kids, im human. And maybe down the track if Cole or Heath came to me in their late 30's and said "dad I really like this girl but she's xyz", maybe i'd understand a bit better than I could of before!

 

So think real hard if this is something you want to do...maybe have a chat with a few (what do you call them, "mates"?) and maybe even speak with your kids about how they would feel...who knows, maybe they think you're such a great guy that you just deserve to be happy and will think nothing of it, or maybe they'll think you should date someone a little bit closer to your own age.

yeah I will get their opinions.

 

My advice at this point would be....keep her on the side, out of the limelight, she seems ok with the arrangement which in girl vision means she's just waiting for you to commit (she's younger remember that part?)...if you guys are still around "dating" in the future and things are getting serious then gradually introduce her...otherwise, wouldn't stir the pot unnecessarily...plus you'll know down the line a little more if she's someone you actually want a relationship with. And honestly once she gets to her 30's, people will probably care less about it...even if you were messing around with her the whole time

I feel like ive been doing this for a while now, she's been patient with me but I feel like im stringing her along to the point of hurting her now and that's not fair. Hence why i'm here and hence why I think its time to bring this to a head.

 

Thanks,

~ Kyle

[Zeroes]

As far as age gaps go 24 and 37 isn't bad. Only 13 years. IMO, it gets gross when it's like 20+ years , but then even that doesn't stop some people.

 

Go for it. If she likes you and you like her, what's to lose? The worst that'll happen is that you'll break up and move on with your lives a few months (or years) later.

[RedRobin]

You've been out of the game so long, you may just be clouding your judgement with latent feelings of wanting to find someone.

 

I believe this is the case more than any real compatibility.

 

It's great that she opened up your heart to considering dating again. If I were your kids, I'd feel repelled and a little grossed out by that. She's more like a sister to them than a 'mom' role. Not cool.

 

Now go out and find someone closer to your own age who can maybe be a real partner and join your family... is my suggestion.

Edited December 7, 2013 by RedRobin

[Kyy]

I believe this is the case more than any real compatibility.

 

It's great that she opened up your heart to considering dating again. If I were your kids, I'd feel repelled and a little grossed out by that. She's more like a sister to them than a 'mom' role. Not cool.

 

Now go out and find someone closer to your own age who can maybe be a real partner and join your family... is my suggestion.

 

I see that, I do.

 

I've long given up predicting the future, I don't know how me and her will play out, all I really know is that I like her, and I never really though id like someone else after my girlfriend, and I still don't see myself suddenly going on lots of dates and meeting lots of new women, I feel pretty 'meh' (as my son would say) when it comes to other women.

[Kyy]

I might have a chat with the kids tomorrow...I'm thinking on it.

[mexcity]

Go for it man. Listen to your heart.

[pteromom]

I might have a chat with the kids tomorrow...I'm thinking on it.

 

So did you?

[Kyy]

So did you?

 

I did some soul searching Came to the conclusion that I couldn't marry, I had a ring for Ry before she died, I never got to ask her that most important question so I couldn't ask someone else. But aside to that I felt do want to share life with someone so I told them today.

 

Truth is I wanted their advice!

Making decisions has never been a strong suit! I was 14 when I met Riley and she's the ideas maker, she planned everything, she loved it. Friends used take the mick that I wouldn't know when my own birthday was without Riley telling me!

 

Anyway, I'm drifting - I sat them down and told them everything.

The boys were very easy going about the whole thing, Heath's burning question being whether she would be hanging out at ours with her "hot 24 year old model friends"

 

My daughter was quite quiet on the subject, unlike her to not have words on anything, but she said I deserved to have a life and be happy.

 

When I talked to her a bit later like one on one, and she just said basically

"I don't have a problem personally with it, im just thinking of you. We miss having a mum, but you miss her. I see how much you miss her, I see how much you love her, how in love with her you still are.

You know I tried to set you up a couple of times a few years ago but I stopped cause I got you weren't ready. I just want you to tell me you really think you are now dad, I don't want to think of you just forcing something. If you really like her then I want to meet her, but I just don't want you to get yourself into something you don't want to be in dad."

 

I dunno - she just confused me more if anything! Though she did say that "just cause they're grown up I don't get rid of them that easy" which was nice.