mirage12 Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Ex and I broke up a month ago. Breakup happened for a lot of reasons but in part because she's starting a lifestyle changing career that has basically consumed her (extreme stress/high pressure, 60-80 hour work weeks). Throughout all of this, we haven't been full NC. I was mostly NC for the first two weeks and then she started trying to reach out to me, multiple times. The usual stuff - saying she missed me, saying she wanted to see me, asking to meet up so she could buy me a drink. She asked for the meetup week of Thanksgiving but because it was a holiday week we just left it at "sometime after Thanksgiving." I had a reality hit moment happen over the past few nights. I reached out to her casually, just asking if she still wanted to meet up and either this weekend or next. She replied she was swamped at work this week, asked some life update questions and then told me she was miserable in her office working and thinking she was going to be fired. It was 10pm at night, and she may have stayed there til 11 or midnight. I had another friend who works in the same type of job over, who was telling me how he hadn't even started working my exs hours yet but was still absolutely miserable and stressed with the job. At that point, it clicked for me. The reality was that a relationship seems like the last thing my ex can handle or would even want while she begins this type of career. Her work has consumed her, and for the first time, I began to understand everything she'd been trying to tell me in the month since she started working/before we broke up. We are still Facebook friends and I posted a status yesterday that she liked, so I made another dumb move and snooped her page. Turns out late last night she posted on one of her gf's pages about asking to do something this weekend (they're going to eat/drink some beers/play laser tag). Reality check #2 - maybe she did have some free time this weekend, however little, and she didn't want to use it to see me or get that drink. Understandable - we are broken up. But it hurts to know that even if she would have had any time to see me with her crazy work...her "missing me"/"wanting to see me" obviously isn't a priority. I'm not going to initiate any contact with her anymore. I don't know what I'll do if she does ask to meet up. We are on good terms, and because I only post here and talk to my friends about it, I think she has no idea how badly I'm struggling with all this - any communication I've had with her has been very level-headed and pretty neutral. I know I'm starting back fr step one, and in a way I pray that this reality check helps me to finally accept that it's done/could never be the way it was again. But it hurts, so bad. I'm listless, don't care about anything and I'm in a constant funk all day. This morning I even cried a little...and I almost never do that. Love really sucks.
organizedchaos Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 You need to unfriend her on FB. You're going to over analyze everything she posts. Every time she "likes' something you're going to get your hopes up only to be dashed again. You're punishing yourself. Unfriend her. It will also send her a clear message that her actions HAVE consequences. 1
Author mirage12 Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 Yeah...I haven't ever done that with an ex though, not even my first love, which hurt far far worse than this one. I've hidden status updates from her and her friends so they don't show on my newsfeed. It's just trying to have the self control to avoid looking on their pages.
strive Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Reality checks are sometimes good. It's what kills off the last of your hopes. Then true healing can begin. I think you're already doing well until that slip up of snooping. I hope you got something out if it that will help you go REAL NC.
organizedchaos Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Yeah...I haven't ever done that with an ex though, not even my first love, which hurt far far worse than this one. I've hidden status updates from her and her friends so they don't show on my newsfeed. It's just trying to have the self control to avoid looking on their pages. So what if you've never done it. You are only hurting yourself now. What are you hoping for by staying connected? If things work out, you can always connect again. And even if they don't, once you're healed, you can always connect again if you want her has a friend. You're not there yet. Unfriend her, for your own healing to begin. I'm going to be harsh, but don't come here complaining if you're not willing to do the work. There is NO reason to stay connected on social media to someone who dumped you if you have not healed and moved on. 2
vassilbg Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 I wanted to work things out with my ex, she didn't. The minute she broke things off, I unfriended her and her family/friends off FB, removed her off Snapchat, and went NC. We exchanged things and I gave her a nice goodbye card and that was that. I suggest you just unfriend her so you won't see any reminders or be curious about whats going on... as you see, seeing that sets you back. You'll be alright man, I'm right here in the trenches with ya 1
reddragon588 Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 She deletes you in real life, you delete her on Facebook. Which is worse again? 1
Author mirage12 Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 Yeah I know...it's hard to stay civil on social media when that's not how I feel. And what if she reaches out, asking to meet up again? I'm almost positive she will...and at the very least, I do just want to hear whatever she has to say.
flight E Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Unfriend her, my x was on my bbm list. I didn't want to delete her; I swear it was torture. Always avoiding my bbm not to see what she was posting. Resisting the temptatn and all that. Almost gave my expensive fone out rather than delete her. That's when it dawned on me. Y will I punish myself that way for someone else. I deleted her and I can tell you that it gave me a lot of peace
JDPT Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Clearly on different wave lengths here. Additionally, she has indirectly made you aware what her true priorities are at this point. Sounds like she is indeed dealing with a substantial amoun of stress and the only thing she will like is to decompress. It's time to shift the attention onto you and implement NC immediately in addition to eradicating any type of social media apparatus. You are all that matters from this point toward. Take care of yourself and your future and get ready for the emotional roller coaster that's on its way.
organizedchaos Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Yeah I know...it's hard to stay civil on social media when that's not how I feel. And what if she reaches out, asking to meet up again? I'm almost positive she will...and at the very least, I do just want to hear whatever she has to say. You only respond if she wants to meet up to reconcile. What's the point of "hanging out"? 1
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