FortunateSon Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 (edited) Back story: I split with my fiancé in early June after huge, blow-out fight. She moved out soon afterwards. We were together for a total of 5.5 years, dated for 3.5 years and broke up for 8 months, got back together for 1.5 more, engaged for the last 6 months. We were only really apart for spilt 2 months. During our relationship we went through a lot of issues, including verbal and emotional abuse from both sides. Very limited contact up until nov 1, NC until yesterday. Yesterday she texted a picture to me yesterday of a "happy memory" out of the blue. I politely(and foolishly) responded that it was nice to hear from her, I didn't think I that would hear from her again, and followed with a very brief text exchange in which she told me she has had happy thoughts about me for the first time in awhile and that everything "wasn't all bad". She also stated she "didn't want to start something" This really threw me for a loop, even though it had been one month of NC, with how very LC it was it felt like more. The next morning, I proceeded to foolishly ask her to dinner that night. She said she couldn't do it. She said that she thought I was dating someone, to which I replied, not seriously (I have been casually dating). I then asked if she was dating someone and she said yes. I then commented that I was surprised she was in a relationship fairly soon after the end of a long term engagement/relationship. I also asked if her new guy would appreciate that she is sending her ex fiancé "happy memories" texts? She responded by saying that she probably shouldn't be in the new relationship because of the issues she carried with her from our past. I am assuming it is a rebound relationship? I told her it was very selfish of her to contact me and she agreed. She said she wanted to make peace and have closure because of the bad ending to our relationship was bothering her. I told her I didn't think I was ready for that, it felt like she ripped the band aid of 6 months worth of healing off. She is very special to me, and I never wanted to break off our engagement. I sincerely wanted to spend the rest if my life with her. We have so many things in common, but so many issues in the past at the same time. I had been healing well, but this incident really set me back. The thoughts of reconciliation which had been fading, popped back into my head. I am not sure reconciliation is possible given the circumstances and the fact we split up once before? I feel like I still have her on a pedestal too. Any advice on where I should go with this situation? What are her motives and where is she coming from? Any help or feedback would be appreciated! Edited December 6, 2013 by FortunateSon
GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 I am sorry you're going through this now, its a shame your ex contacted you recently with an old nice memory. How else are you going to react but get your hopes up a little. If she's thinking about the good times, its natural to think she may want you back. Or she wants attention. I think so many former exes for whatever reason when they feel alone or sad they naturally reach out to their exes even if its not the best thing to do. Its selfish on their behalf and most likely not intentional. I would just be easy on yourself and not read too much into this. I have had too long term relationships, one was almost 6 years and the other almost 7 years and its rough when it ends regardless of who is the dumper and dumpee. This wasn't the right girl for you, you have to keep telling yourself this. And allow yourself time to heal, it has only been a month right? That's hardly any time at all. And keep venting (journal, online here and to your family and friends) use your support system.
Author FortunateSon Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 Thank you very much for your reply. Since the split I have been doing well healing and felt like I was about to turn the corner. I have lurking here on LS and found NC had a lot of merit to it. I really didn't expect to here from her again, so it really threw me off when I did. She acknowledged that it was selfish in contacting me, but it still made me want to re-establish contact and connect after hearing from her. She apparently has quickly gotten into a relationship the last couple months and it hurts me. I have been casually dating but I am not ready for a committed relationship. She mentioned that she should not be in the relationship, so it leads me to believe it is a rebound situation or she is lonely. Should I just forget about her and go back to NC? 1
GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 She is already dating someone else? Yes, NC for sure. If she really wanted you back you know it. She just wants an ego inflation from you, don't do it. I like you was doing so well but the past few weeks have been so draining that I am in a bad place today and partly because my ex will not respect the NC thing!
Author FortunateSon Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 (edited) It has actually been 6 months since we split. I will resign myself to NC again. Her talk of "making peace" and closure seemed to also have a very selfish angle to it, but at the same time it made me want to talk to her. It is hard because I don't want to seem rude or uncivil, but it want to get past this. We are both in our mid 30's and I think she is in marriage/baby mode. I feel like she will settle for someone and regret it later. I genuinely think we could reconcile again, but I don't think we will have the chance. I have been dating, but have found it hard to get involved, despite meeting you very nice women. I was happy when we were engaged, but now I am starting to feel like the possibility of marriage has passed me by. Edited December 6, 2013 by FortunateSon 1
GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 I must admit I was puzzled by that statement about marriage. Are you a senior citizen? Even seniors get married or re-married. I feel you about that though. I am 39 now and its a weird age for a woman in NYC to be single as. It makes the dating pool so hard. I get all this young guys hitting on me and most guys my age want someone younger.
Author FortunateSon Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 I live in a Midwestern city that is not very big or progressive. Most people here get married in their mid 20's, I am in my mid 30's. Unfortunately, I have not found there to be a lot of potentially desirable, available women here. I had the mix of what I wanted in wife my with my fiancé, but a lot of factors both big and small led to our demise. I struggle with both moving forward and the challenge of find a woman who is a good fit. The recent contact from my ex has set me back and even made my hopes for the future feel bleaker.
GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 In very different settings, you out in the midwest and me here in the city and we are both worried about the selection of available people to date and fall in love with. I think we both just feel really down right now and its hard to imagine anyone out there worthwhile dating. I myself did join a dating website and its been an interesting experience so far. Some of the men have been nice, some of them *********s, some of them looking for booty calls. Nothing serious yet and its just as well right now with all the drama going on with my ex and me not feeling so great. Have you tried online dating? I actually met my 2nd ex the one giving me a hard time now online when I was 31. That's cool you were married I have never been married and it bothers me a lot. I think I made the mistake of living with both of my long term exes so they had no incentive to marry me. I won't make that mistake again.
Author FortunateSon Posted December 7, 2013 Author Posted December 7, 2013 I have been online dating, I started about a month after my split. I have casually dated a number of nice girls, but I do not feel I am the the point of being ready for a committed relationship. It turns out that about a month ago my ex saw me and someone I was dating at a restaurant and it made her uncomfortable. I did not see her. I received an email from her last night saying that she is bothered that our relationship didn't end well, she again said is seeking peace and closure to help her move on? She told me she is open to getting together and talking? She also says she is exclusively dating someone, so I am not sure why this is even important to her? I am confused by this, I haven't responded to her email...
Insanityisdoingsame Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 I have been online dating, I started about a month after my split. I have casually dated a number of nice girls, but I do not feel I am the the point of being ready for a committed relationship. It turns out that about a month ago my ex saw me and someone I was dating at a restaurant and it made her uncomfortable. I did not see her. I received an email from her last night saying that she is bothered that our relationship didn't end well, she again said is seeking peace and closure to help her move on? She told me she is open to getting together and talking? She also says she is exclusively dating someone, so I am not sure why this is even important to her? I am confused by this, I haven't responded to her email... Dont reply to her at all bro. Your starting to move on. Starting to become a better man. This girl can"t stand that fact. She probably said some bs like "things change , seasons change, but people never change". My ex said that to me all the time. Well now you are without her and you are changing for the better. Dont let her have a inch of power on you. Stay NC. She is exclusive with some looser. Let them live the rest their life together and you do you!! F them all lol. 2
GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Your ex is being nosey and is insecure with her new 'exclusive' relationship. Don't feed her ego. Stay away from the ex. That's just my 2 cents. 1
Author FortunateSon Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 My ex has since emailed me in an angry tone telling me to forget it, she just wanted to not hate me anymore? I then awoke the next morning and saw a missed FaceTime call on my phone from her from the early hours of the morning. I emailed asking why she tried to FaceTime me and she claimed "her phone was in he bag, not sure what happened" which I found very odd considering she blocked my number? I emailed and said that story seemed unlikely and that it might be better we don't meet. She replied with an angry, insult filled email saying that I can never have a healthy relationship in the future, the person I am dating doesn't know what they are in for, and that she wasted 6 years of her life with me. I replied with a long, civil email explaining how I felt and that I didn't care for her angry, abusive, vindictive insults. I told her I am not sure how to give her closure? This has really affected me. I have started to casually date someone with potential and it has really set me back.
GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I realize its tempting to respond to emails/messages especially when the ex is upset but all you do is feed her ego and possibly give her more ammo to use against you in the future. I strongly advise to maintain NC from now on. She is not your problem anymore and really what closure can you possibly give? Not worth it and all it has done is set you back clearly. 1
Author FortunateSon Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 (edited) Thank you so much for your reply, Jenn. I haven't heard from her today, I am hoping my last email to her was what she wanted to hear. Despite the fact the last email I wrote was very civil and respectful, I have a feeling I will not be hearing from her again. This stirred up a lot in me. I have even been entertaining thoughts of reconciliation, which before her contact, were fading away. I would probably consider reconciliation given the chance, I feel like I am starting this process all over again just because she was lonely and selfish. Do her actions seem like that of someone who wants to get back together? I am struggling to objectively look at the situation Edited December 10, 2013 by FortunateSon 1
GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 I thought she was exclusive with someone else. Look if any of our exes wanted us back, I mean really wanted us back, nothing would stand in their way. She is fishing for information from you, she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Its flattering to think not only does she have a new man, but her old man would jump up at a chance to be with her again. She's one lucky girl.... or she's a selfish person who should be leaving you alone A lot of other posters write about not settling for breadcrumbs, that's exactly what you're doing, settling for mere morsels rather than a 3 course meal with someone new. Do not settle, keep venting on here, in a journal and to your friends and family. Maintain NC, united we stand, divided we fall 3
Author FortunateSon Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 Again Jenn, thank you for your reply. The breadcrumbs analogy is quite fitting and makes a lot of sense. It's funny, I read a lot of other threads/post on LS and the answer always seems so clear cut...until it comes to my own dilemma, it's never as easy when trying to look at your own problems objectively! 1
GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 I agree, I can dish out great advice but try getting me to actually pay attention to what I dish, ay yi yi...where's the emi-con for banging my head on the wall at? ..... hmm this will do 1
Qactus Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 Again Jenn, thank you for your reply. The breadcrumbs analogy is quite fitting and makes a lot of sense. It's funny, I read a lot of other threads/post on LS and the answer always seems so clear cut...until it comes to my own dilemma, it's never as easy when trying to look at your own problems objectively! Hello mate.. First of all i would like to tell you that you have a large community here and consider us as your friends. Dont feel alone. We are here for you. Just like you i am suffering from a breakup aswell an i'm in 3rd month of NC. Your problem is that you are over-analysing your sitution. c'mon THE bottom line is that you are DUMPED. forget those wife/fiance dreams and promises she made. NO WAY! she dumped you and you are still giving that shoulder just because you are thinking with same old feelings. PLEASE please please i repeat! dont over-analyse her. She has just 1 place in your life and thats " un-wanted ". Please accept this fact that she is UNWANTED she has no value in your life. How to deal with her now? Just IGNORE her. because you dont want her.. no tears, no happiness no closures.. Whatever she says please just IGNORE it. Start NC and believe me you will see the difference and TRUE picture of her and her trust which she was broken. You will get to see how She will stay happy without thinking of you. Get some respect for yourself and Please from today and NOW. JUST BLOCK her from everywhere. All Social media, all networks, and avoid all those places where you would see her. 1
Author FortunateSon Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 Qactus, I think you are spot on. I find myself re-reading and trying to re-interpret everything she has sent me since she selfishly broke NC. I guess there is nothing really to analyze...it's over. I need to go NC, kill the hope that came back, and forget about her.
Qactus Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 its a hard thing to do.. but seriously you have no other option. its the only thing we can do. And When there is no way out.. just use the option you are left with and that is indeed NC. 1
Author FortunateSon Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 I am finding myself really angry about this now!! I feel like her contacting me was all about her, and nothing about me. It was selfish and controlling of her to contact me. I have been dating someone with a lot of potential and I feel like this episode has really put that in jeopardy. I am just venting, I am really frustrated, I feel like I am starting all over again and I want to make her feel like this!!
Jules78 Posted December 10, 2013 Posted December 10, 2013 I am finding myself really angry about this now!! I feel like her contacting me was all about her, and nothing about me. It was selfish and controlling of her to contact me. I have been dating someone with a lot of potential and I feel like this episode has really put that in jeopardy. I am just venting, I am really frustrated, I feel like I am starting all over again and I want to make her feel like this!! Don't waste your time because she won't. What she wants is to see what you are up to, if there is anyone else, if you still care. Stop the contact and do NOT contact her again. Do not let it affect your new potential girl because that is exactly what your ex wants. Then you know what will happen? You will end up without either one of them! Stay strong, post here and no contact!!! 1
Author FortunateSon Posted December 10, 2013 Author Posted December 10, 2013 Thank you for the reply Jules. In our exchange, I told my ex that I wasn't ready for a serious relationship, even though my ex told me she was dating someone. I am currently dating someone, and my ex seemed bothered that she saw me on a date a month back and has since referred to the person I am dating as my "new girlfriend". It sounds like she is jealous? Strangely, I am not really that upset to hear she is dating someone? My ex told me she shouldn't be in her current relationship because issues from our past together are "ruining her chances of liking someone new". I don't know what to think?
Author FortunateSon Posted December 17, 2013 Author Posted December 17, 2013 Just to follow up, I have not heard from her after the last email I sent. I don't know if it gave her the closure and "peace" she wanted but it has left me feeling miserable. It was clearly so selfish and self serving on her part. I feel like it was some type if power or control issue, she didn't feel in control and contacted me to feel better about HERSELF. I should be very upset with her and all it makes me want to do is talk to her more:mad: Should I contact her to get things off my chest?
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