Psion Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Hey everyone, I don't normally post on forums but right now I frankly feel in the gutter and I don't know if it's advice or just someone to talk to I need. Yesterday lunch time while I was at work, I was doing some friendly Electron Microscopy and the girl I have been with for 5 years decides to end our relationship over email. Sounds bad but we meet young and lived in different countries the majority of our time together, I am British, she Estonian. I wouldn't say everything was fine, our relationship often had long very good periods but when we did fight, we went at it. I loved the woman more than anything and we had often talked, very seriously about getting married when she came to live here and had planned that for years. She was not just my girlfriend though but my best friend and I didn't really go a day without talking to her or seeing her on skype. She was meant to be moving her after she graduated in February (we are both 23 and our birthdays were just last week, apart by two days). The last week when she visited for our birthdays things were okay although she talked about worrying about moving her and wasn't sure what she wanted but dismissed it as just cold feet about leaving her country. I said that she does need to decide what she wants to because it's a big thing for both of us. We were always good friends as well, we meet when we were both going through very hard times, myself with depression and she had just left the Mormon church and had no one, so we were each other's first serious relationship, her first completely and I never felt more comfortable with anyone. Being with her got me over depression got me through a lot and I like to think I helped her and least she said that I had. Suddenly though I get an email from her telling me how she is ending with me and that she know longer loves me, worse that she hasn't actually felt anything other than friendship for me for about 2 years and she only just realised that. She was utterly cold and indifferent to me even though she had been the opposite only days before, she was also the same to my mother who liked her as a person and messaged her to make sure SHE was okay. My family had done a lot for her birthday as a well which made the whole thing very strange because she had never been the type to be so rude to people like that especially after they gave her a fair few presents and cash for her birthday. Though money doesn't matter ultimately it upset them greatly. She says that she doesn't care about me at all as anything of than a friend and a friend for her is like someone she speaks to every year, she barely has contact with any of them. We never had much "intimacy" in our relationship but it had never bothered either of us before in the whole 5 years but now it became a problem. I got on really well with her family as well, even taught her nephew to walk and crawl, it just feels impossible that someone can just switch off like that, claim that the last two years were nothing at all and just lies. I'm sorry for the ramble but my thoughts are everywhere right now, had a dancing practice last night and I couldn't focus at all though at least my partner was understanding. She was the only person I have felt that way for and I know I am young but I don't know how to cope without her as a friend as much as a lover. Right now I feel utterly mechanical and am just going through the motions but I feel horrible. I cried like a baby for hours and I don't have that many friends either, I have never made friends easily and am a bit of a loner but being alone now hurts like nothing I have felt because I am used to having her around and I don't know what to do with myself or how to muster any enthusiasm. I even have a presentation to give on Wednesday and a competition tomorrow but I can't bring myself to care about any of it. How do I get over this, I hate that I wish I never met her because nothing is worth this feeling right now. I have not been on my for a long time, since I was 18 and I don't know how to be, I find my mood jumping around like a bipolar horse and I can't focus on anything at all. I just can't understand how someone can hide being unhappy for so long, I feel betrayed and like I have wasted the years of my life I was meant to enjoy while I was an undergraduate because I never did much, was always home to talk with her about our days and stuff. She had always made it seem like we shared something, that we both just wanted stability with a person we got along with. I know I cannot change her feelings or lack of them to me now, I like to think I am self-aware but I keep wishing I would wake up or even be told it's all some sick joke. Please, how do you move on from this I really need help.
d0nnivain Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Moving on takes time. This is a huge loss. After 5 years your life changed. For now you recognize that you are greiving & you take it one day at a time.
Author Psion Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 Honestly I have no idea how, I've never actually grieved for anything, but thank you for responding.
Chi townD Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Sorry dude, but you're in the UK and she's in Estonia. You've been more like penpals than boyfriend and girlfriend. Could be that the reality of her possibly moving to the UK spooked her away. I mean, moving to a country where nothing was a guarantee is a scary thing. Also, there's a very good chance that she met someone else over there in Estonia. That would make sense because she's demonizing you in order to convince herself that the break up is the right move for her and staying with this guy is the right move for her. Sorry dude, but I think you need to heal up from this and when you do, I strongly recommend that you find a girl more local to you. Something to be said about a girl you can actually touch and cuddle up with at night.
chris21422 Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 hang on there man. It's not easy.. Did you already replied to her? If not. Just don't and just leave the hell out of her alone. Right now You need to disappear and just don't contact her or even reply to her. No emails,text,calls,social media. Talk to your family and get some support if you don't have friends to talk to.
Simplysimon Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Your too young to worry chap...I'm in Bristol. Every man experiences heart break at some point and this one won't be your last. There's more hotter better women out there for you who can make you happy...stay no contact as every time you talk or text it will set you back..cry cry cry it out..it will make you feel better. Talk to your mum, friends sister mates. Or me ... Go out , meet new girls join plenty of fish, do what ever you need to get over her and move on... No contact 1 month you will feel better. Get a new girl and you will feel great, she won't do it for you to start with but it will grow on you... Every time you want to call her call someone else...and remove all reminders...now
BOREDouttaMymind Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 its probably because she messed around with another dude and doesn't want to say it. they only thing that will make it better is time. I know. it sucks. it hurts. I went through it 6 times. but honestly, in time, youll be ok. talk to friends, family, write on this website.
loveiswar101 Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Not 5 years but i'm in same boat as of today. Time is all I can think that will fix both of us here. Keeping busy I think is the best advice I can offer.
Author Psion Posted December 7, 2013 Author Posted December 7, 2013 Thank you everyone for responding, seriously, to be honest I know it was properly long distance but the only times we were really apart were term times at our universities, holidays and such we were always together. So at least for 6 months of the year we lived together, not separately. Sadly I did respond to her because I wanted to hear it from her not just an email, that was when it happened though, cried like a little baby and it was not my finest hour. the idea of having her out my life though by going no contact is a very bitter pill to swallow though. Does it really help? Ultimately if she finds another man then I hope he makes her happy, before swiftly falling off a cliff. I can only manage so much goodwill . Loveiswar101 I am sorry to hear that you are going through a similar thing, I have been trying to think of it as all the feelings I have now, the regret and the longing are all for a relationship that I could never get back even if she were to turn round and do a complete u-turn. It hurts like hell but I think we have to keep our minds occupied just as you said. Worst thing is I got a message from her today after she did the whole lets not speak thing, saying how sorry she was for being cold and distant but that is her way of coping before asking how I was and if I was still attending a dance competition I have tomorrow. I haven't responded as much as I want to.
chris21422 Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 Man listen to me right now and promise that you will do this! even though you really want to respond.. DON'T RESPOND Don't make the same mistakes that I did in the past.. Make her miss you by disappearing. Remove her in social networks right now.. Do it before she do it Or deactivate it if you really not using it. The no contact will really help you and at the same time she will miss you. Trust me Thank you everyone for responding, seriously, to be honest I know it was properly long distance but the only times we were really apart were term times at our universities, holidays and such we were always together. So at least for 6 months of the year we lived together, not separately. Sadly I did respond to her because I wanted to hear it from her not just an email, that was when it happened though, cried like a little baby and it was not my finest hour. the idea of having her out my life though by going no contact is a very bitter pill to swallow though. Does it really help? Ultimately if she finds another man then I hope he makes her happy, before swiftly falling off a cliff. I can only manage so much goodwill . Loveiswar101 I am sorry to hear that you are going through a similar thing, I have been trying to think of it as all the feelings I have now, the regret and the longing are all for a relationship that I could never get back even if she were to turn round and do a complete u-turn. It hurts like hell but I think we have to keep our minds occupied just as you said. Worst thing is I got a message from her today after she did the whole lets not speak thing, saying how sorry she was for being cold and distant but that is her way of coping before asking how I was and if I was still attending a dance competition I have tomorrow. I haven't responded as much as I want to.
Author Psion Posted December 7, 2013 Author Posted December 7, 2013 Thank you I have no intention to respond to her, just wish I knew what she was playing at. I have deleted her from all but one method of contact as she still has a spare house key of mine that I will need back though I really hope she doesn't mess around. Or would it be better just to keep a friend of hers available if I need to chase her for it?
Mr. Nibbles Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 Moving on... wow, electron microscopy? That is cool and I personally know women who would want a date knowing only those two words. No photo necessary.
chris21422 Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 Just go change your lock doors man.. Easier and less hustle than talking to her. Thank you I have no intention to respond to her, just wish I knew what she was playing at. I have deleted her from all but one method of contact as she still has a spare house key of mine that I will need back though I really hope she doesn't mess around. Or would it be better just to keep a friend of hers available if I need to chase her for it?
Author Psion Posted December 8, 2013 Author Posted December 8, 2013 Would love to but the house is rented as we had planned to find our own place together after she graduated in Feb, so while she still has my spare key and some of my stuff...I am thinking of maybe doing it through her friends or sister if I have to chase her for stuff rather than dealing with her directly. Especially since I got another message from her today (didn't respond), given she was so certain about no talking why is she doing this? In other news please introduce us Nibbles, because they sounds amazing although it is not half as flashy as it sounds and once again thank you for the responses they have helped a lot.
Author Psion Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 (edited) I just got contacted by my ex through email because I have been ignoring her, she said "right i'm probably doing wrong cause everybody keeps telling me not to talk to you and you probably don't want me to anyway but screw them and you can just ignore it if you like i just need to know if you hate me? when we spoke on the phone, you said you wanted to stay friends and continue talking. did you change your mind?" She went on to say how she is sorry she bothered me and won't anymore but that she is sorry for what she said and how she acted, that it was the heat of the moment and she loved me but had problems with intimacy and obsessiveness and that she felt too attached and wasn't good enough for me because she didn't share my hobby of dancing which is a big thing to me. That she listened to much to her friend (who hates me) that she can't eat or sleep and so on. She is talking about the call we had when she broke up with me when she told me we were breaking up and shouldn't speak. I don't know what do she used my work email so it's not even like I can delete that as well? Do I just ignore her, or is it worth trying to stay friends? What does she want by doing this now and should I just stay NC? I am sorry for so many questions I just I don't know where my thoughts are right now email is the only way of communication left open to us as I followed everybodies advice. Edited December 9, 2013 by Psion
escafeld Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I just got contacted by my ex through email because I have been ignoring her, she said "right i'm probably doing wrong cause everybody keeps telling me not to talk to you and you probably don't want me to anyway but screw them and you can just ignore it if you like i just need to know if you hate me? when we spoke on the phone, you said you wanted to stay friends and continue talking. did you change your mind?" She went on to say how she is sorry she bothered me and won't anymore but that she is sorry for what she said and how she acted, that it was the heat of the moment and she loved me but had problems with intimacy and obsessiveness and that she felt too attached and wasn't good enough for me because she didn't share my hobby of dancing which is a big thing to me. That she listened to much to her friend (who hates me) that she can't eat or sleep and so on. She is talking about the call we had when she broke up with me when she told me we were breaking up and shouldn't speak. I don't know what do she used my work email so it's not even like I can delete that as well? Do I just ignore her, or is it worth trying to stay friends? What does she want by doing this now and should I just stay NC? I am sorry for so many questions I just I don't know where my thoughts are right now email is the only way of communication left open to us as I followed everybodies advice. To use the loveshack vernacular...she's a 'chain yanker'! Sorry to hear of your unhappiness psion, but as others have said here, you must go 'no contact' and absolutely believe your interest in her has ended! She's contacting you because she's seeking approval. I'm sure she's a lovely girl and will always have a special place in your heart, but this email is not about you, it's about her emotional needs. DO NOT REPLY TO IT. The human condition dictates that we want something we can't have and don't regard things that come easily to us. If your ex pulls the chain and you come running or acknowledge her then subconsciously she'll have no respect for you. The 'no contact' route is not a device to win her back, it's a sane strategy so we can insulate ourselves from those who have the power to hurt us, frankly we don't stick our fingers in the electrical socket so why do we put our hearts on the pavement so ex lovers can walk all over it?
Chi townD Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 I said it on this website more than once. For some reason, MOST girls can't stand the fact that someone on this planet doesn't think of them as a nice person or that someone may hate them. Drives them nuts for some reason. And now, she's writing to find out if YOU hate HER. Not if you're doing okay, not if you wanted to get back with her. Hell, she even stated that you shouldn't talk for a while.... So, her asking if you hate her is for her own selfish needs. She wants you to ease her guilt. So, okay! Lets take a personal inventory. She said she doesn't love you; and, hasn't for the past two years. Therefore, she wasted two years of your live by stringing you along. She ONLY views you as a friend AND she dumped you over email. Yeah, I venture to say that you're not one of her biggest fans right now. She'll figure that out on her own. Dude, let her keep her guilt. Stay NC.
Author Psion Posted December 9, 2013 Author Posted December 9, 2013 Thank you, you two. My head agrees with the both of you completely, pity nothing else does right now. Though to be fair Chi townD in the emails she sent me before that she did ask how I was and if I was going to a competition this weekend but I just ignored and that prompted this out pouring. Though you are very right I am not her biggest fan, just hard to keep reminding myself of it, though I don't think she expected me not to talk to her, I can't help but feel just a little happy at that slight victory. Though I don't mean to sound horrible. Besides even if she was listening to her friend (I have no doubt that she was and that her friend told her to do what she did), she still agreed with her and did it right? So I can't let anything she says now change how I act. Thank you for everything it's great having people to shout NC at me, not sure I would have otherwise.
Chi townD Posted December 9, 2013 Posted December 9, 2013 Thank you, you two. My head agrees with the both of you completely, pity nothing else does right now. Though to be fair Chi townD in the emails she sent me before that she did ask how I was and if I was going to a competition this weekend but I just ignored and that prompted this out pouring. Though you are very right I am not her biggest fan, just hard to keep reminding myself of it, though I don't think she expected me not to talk to her, I can't help but feel just a little happy at that slight victory. Though I don't mean to sound horrible. Besides even if she was listening to her friend (I have no doubt that she was and that her friend told her to do what she did), she still agreed with her and did it right? So I can't let anything she says now change how I act. Thank you for everything it's great having people to shout NC at me, not sure I would have otherwise. Dude, it's not a victory. You took your power back. I think you may feel a little more empowered which I venture, feels great! You just need to look at it as, she broke up with you. She made the decision to have you out of her life. You're just giving her what she asked for. Nothing more and nothing less. Look, she can either have 100% of you or nothing at all. She was in the drivers seat when she broke up with you. That wasn't your call. But now, you have the power to ignore her and move on with your own life. A life she told you that she wanted no part of, so there's no reason for her to be contacting you. Time to heal and move on.
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