Sometimes feel like shes getting off to easy....

[Ap22]

I found out about my wifes affair nearly 3 weeks ago. I'm working through this and I am doing better than I ever imagined I would. For the most part, the pain has subsided and I'm left with focus and clarity on what needs to be done.

 

Dont get me wrong, i still have my bad days. When I'm a work (doesnt help that its slow this time of year), I find my mind dwelling on her affair and i'm constantly reading up about affairs. When I'm home, I am much better because I have so many distractions to keep me busy.

 

I'm trying my hardest to live life as normal as possible but sometimes I feel like shes getting off easy. She is doing everything she should be doing right now. She is attending to every need, going above and beyond to be helpful, and is focused completely on me. In all honesty, at least on the outside, she seems to be taking this much harder than I am.

 

Yesterday was one of the few days where I felt perfectly fine. I was just in a very good mood for some reason. When she got home, she totally lost it and just started weeping uncontrollably telling me that shes a piece of *****, doesnt deserve anything, and was a complete loser.

 

My biggest problem is the conflict I have inside me. Part of me wants to be angry at her all the time and make her pay for what she did. The other part of me wants to accept whats done and move on. When we have a good day, part of me is kicking myself for allowing her to be happy with me. Its almost like sleeping with the enemy. Sometimes I feel guilty for not fighting with her, for not letting her know how betrayed and hurt I am.

 

Is this normal? I mean this morning I had to call her to inform her about something. I called her at work, gave her the info, and said bye. Very calm, very relaxed. She told me she loved me and I said okay. I hung up and started getting angry for calling her, even though I had to. This internal conflict is just so confusing.

[aliveagain]

That is the s**t sandwich a betrayed spouse has to eat if they decide on reconciliation. I feel especially bad for those that were each others first and only until the affair. This is the imbalance that can never be undone that some of us won't compromise ourselves to accept. To keep a relationship with them you have to kill off part of you. This imbalance is lessened over time but it is the white elephant in the room and lasts a life time.

 

No matter what you decide, time is your friend. If they don't make you feel safe, leave because you deserve this as a minimum requirement in any relationship. Will you meet someone and fall in love again, absolutely. Do not compromise who you are to hide who they really are.

[dichotomy]

 

Dont get me wrong, i still have my bad days. When I'm a work (doesnt help that its slow this time of year), I find my mind dwelling on her affair and i'm constantly reading up about affairs. When I'm home, I am much better because I have so many distractions to keep me busy.

 

I understand this completely. When I travel away on business, sitting in a hotel somewhere, its the worst times for be to dwell on bad things when not surrounded by the reasons I stayed in the marriage. I often come home in a bad mood.

 

I'm trying my hardest to live life as normal as possible but sometimes I feel like shes getting off easy. She is doing everything she should be doing right now. She is attending to every need, going above and beyond to be helpful, and is focused completely on me. In all honesty, at least on the outside, she seems to be taking this much harder than I am.

 

This seems to be a contridiction - she is doing everything - and yet she is getting off easy?

 

 

Yesterday was one of the few days where I felt perfectly fine. I was just in a very good mood for some reason. When she got home, she totally lost it and just started weeping uncontrollably telling me that shes a piece of *****, doesnt deserve anything, and was a complete loser.

 

Wow, there are more than a few of us - that wish our WS broke down and were as hard on themseleves as you appear to decribe your wife here.

 

 

My biggest problem is the conflict I have inside me. Part of me wants to be angry at her all the time and make her pay for what she did. The other part of me wants to accept whats done and move on. When we have a good day, part of me is kicking myself for allowing her to be happy with me. Its almost like sleeping with the enemy. Sometimes I feel guilty for not fighting with her, for not letting her know how betrayed and hurt I am.

 

If she is breaking down crying, doing all that she should - I am not sure how you are supposed to "make her pay"? What in your mind would be an example of making her pay in this situation while she is weeping and taking care of your needs?

 

Is this normal? I mean this morning I had to call her to inform her about something. I called her at work, gave her the info, and said bye. Very calm, very relaxed. She told me she loved me and I said okay. I hung up and started getting angry for calling her, even though I had to. This internal conflict is just so confusing.

 

Obvisouly you are angry and hurt somtimes and wish to express this and thats your right. Perhaps because she is being hard on herself, you don't have an outlet or feel guilty for piling on to her self loathing?

 

 

 

 

10 Characters

[Ap22]

Oh no, I agreed to work this out but its on my terms. I told her if she even hints at returning to what she was, she'll come home to an empty house. I told her she needs to be the loving and affectionate wife I want/need/deserve...not the trash that was a B and had sex with someone else.

 

Can people change? I dont know. I hope they can. If not, I will not be hanging around and my conscience will be clear knowing i tried to do everything to keep my family together. Also, if it doesnt work out she will have to explain to our daughter one day the reason why her parents divorced is because she wanted to be a slut and have sex with another man.

 

Like I said, I'm clear on what I want and how I want it. Its just a conflict inside me that is telling me to move on and make it worth while the other side wants her to suffer.

 

This seems to be a contridiction - she is doing everything - and yet she is getting off easy?

 

I guess I mean me being nice to her, trying to be somewhat loving to her. Holding her hand when she grabs mine, not being disgusted by touching her....stuff like that.....I know it brings her comfort when she hugs me and I hug her back. I'm talking about stuff like that...basically making her feel safe again. Thats it. I'm conflicted at making her feel safe.

Edited December 6, 2013 by Ap22

[dichotomy]

Oh no, I agreed to work this out but its on my terms. I told her if she even hints at returning to what she was, she'll come home to an empty house. I told her she needs to be the loving and affectionate wife I want/need/deserve...not the trash that was a B and had sex with someone else.

 

Can people change? I dont know. I hope they can. If not, I will not be hanging around and my conscience will be clear knowing i tried to do everything to keep my family together. Also, if it doesnt work out she will have to explain to our daughter one day the reason why her parents divorced is because she wanted to be a slut and have sex with another man.

 

Like I said, I'm clear on what I want and how I want it. Its just a conflict inside me that is telling me to move on and make it worth while the other side wants her to suffer.

 

Let me as you this - who was your wife before the affair - maybe even before she met you? Do you know who that woman was - does she? Before the affair was she a woman who wanted to be slut and just sleep around? Is this who she is now after the affair?

 

Is she suffering now? Breaking down and crying and call herself a piece of crap seems like some sort of suffering?

 

FYI - I am (was) a BH so I now about anger and wanting to be hard on my wife.

[dichotomy]

 

 

I guess I mean me being nice to her, trying to be somewhat loving to her. Holding her hand when she grabs mine, not being disgusted by touching her....stuff like that.....I know it brings her comfort when she hugs me and I hug her back. I'm talking about stuff like that...basically making her feel safe again. Thats it. I'm conflicted at making her feel safe.

 

 

 

I think I get what you’re saying here. Perhaps her beating herself up and being accountable and vulnerable leads you to offer kindness - when you really need and outlet for your anger and disgust? Despite her showing remorse and reaching out to you - you need to get yoru hurts out and some sort of justice.

Edited December 6, 2013 by dichotomy

[Ap22]

I think I get what you’re saying here. Perhaps her beating herself up and being accountable and vulnerable leads you to offer kindness - when you really need and outlet for your anger and disgust? Despite her showing remorse and reaching out to you - you need to get yoru hurts out and some sort of justice.

 

Actually it doesnt. When she was beating herself up yesterday it didnt hurt me. She kept saying "I dont want you to feel sorry for me" and I didnt. I told her I didnt feel bad for her and she deserved to feel what she was feeling. I told her whatever she is feeling, my pain was 1000x worse.

 

To answer your other point. There was a definite line in which things started to change with her. What she turned into is not the woman i fell in love with and married. At some point she put a priority on herself and having fun with friends over her family. I know a big part is she never feared losing me. Maybe thats why I now want her to not ever feel safe with me. I want her to fear losing me at all times.

[Fluttershy]

You're far too fresh in this to be worried about the ups and downs. As long as your not being abusive then don't try to hide how you feel.

But as to the "getting off easy". To the repentive cheater kindness and love is by far the worst punishment. I'm not talking cheap forgiveness but every acy of kindness you do, while her knowing she smashed your soul, is harder to take then the nasty, name callin words she may feel she deserves. I think many people in their own pain want to compare and put pain on different levels and such but the truth is unless we live the pain ourselves it is better not to compare. Your wife betrayed not just you and her family, she betrayed herself. And there is nothing she can do to change that either and so not only must she work for and accept your forgiveness, she has to forgive herself. I truly beleiev this is why so many cheaters don't own what they did. Because truly seeing ourselves for who they are after the crime is committed and withoit justifying their actions would be similar to how a betrayed spouse views them. Only they can't leave themselves but have no choice but to live with themselves.

So don't worry. If she is one of the truly remorseful ones time will show you her actions aren't a knee jerk reaction to keep you. She will be changed. Probably even a better person than pre-affair. She is not getting off easy and you needn't be the punisher. Punishing won't help in the long wrong. Either of you. You need to do what is best and healthiest for you. And choosing to be vindictive and cruel (I am not talking about emotional outbursts but rather calculated actions) won't help you recover.

And remember, stay or go, you have a lot of work ahead of you and healing. They say 2-5 years for a reason and while I do believe some are in a good place before 2 years and some take longer... 3 weeks is just a drop on the bucket.

Take care.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I am going to tread very carefully here (as a FOW and BS). I remember my husband telling me after dday that I was going to see that he was the one "who would not abandon me" - and I think he meant it at the time, however this led to his own affair later on (in his way he did abandon me).

 

Also, I remember saying to him something about not feeling safe and he told me "you won't ever feel safe again". To me that was a threat. I understand, in theory, what he was saying, but it didn't (doesn't) lead to much faith in the recovery process. Then we he did have the affair, that added it's own dynamic to the situation.

 

We are four years past my dday and over two years from his - it is getting better, for the most part. But you do need to decide if recovery is for you or not. It is not for everyone. We are working through it and I still don't know if we are going to make it or not.

 

This I will say - even though your feelings are very valid and understandable and even justified - I would recommend some counseling to try to work through them because it sounds like you could really impede your recovery. It almost sounds like you are repulsed by her and if that's the case you aren't doing her any favors at all.

[Madman81]

One question: how did you find out three weeks ago? Did she confess, of her own volition? Or did you catch her in some way?

 

Where the cheater has confessed of their own free will, I'd put that on the plus side of the ledger. It obviously doesn't mean all is forgiven, but it's a positive thing.

 

In any event, it's good that she's being attentive, helpful, loving, etc. But those are no-brainers (as is complete no contact with the OM). One of the consequences of her actions is that your trust in her has been destroyed. And she needs to fix that. Not you -- her.

 

So, if this isn't already part of the reconciliation, you need to tell her that, henceforth, you require unlimited, anytime access to her email, cell phone, Facebook, internet search history, everything. Usernames and passwords. She has to make her life an open book to you, and make herself accountable to you 24/7 in terms of her whereabouts, when she'll be back, and who she's with.

 

If she agrees to this willingly, that's another good sign. If she resists or starts bleating about her need for "privacy", that's a very bad sign, and you should tell her that it's a non-negotiable requirement or you're out the door.

 

You should also require that the two of you attend counselling.

 

Making her life an absolute open book to you, and attending counselling and talking about what she did, will be difficult and uncomfortable. But here's the thing: it SHOULD be difficult and uncomfortable. It's not "punishment" -- it's the minimum work required by her after such a massive betrayal to (a) fix what she wrecked, and (b) gradually restore your trust in her.

 

If you insist on those things and she agrees to them, I think in a few months you won't perceive nearly as much that she "got off easy".

 

Best of luck compadre... hang in there, and be strong.

[Ap22]

I havent made threats to her at all. I've only told her that I will not tolerate her previous behaviors and if she starts to slide back into them, then I will not hesitate to leave.

 

I love what she is now. Its how she was when we first got married and its what I always wanted her to be. The trick now is finding out if its real or an act to win me back.

 

Everyone, including the MC, is shocked at how well i'm taking this. Everyone i know is commending me on how well i'm handling this and how strong I must be. I must admit, I never expected that I would be feeling so good, relatively speaking. The numbness I felt on dday i thought would be with me for a very long time.

 

Its just sometimes I'm mad at myself for not being madder. For not wanting to lash out at her. Whats worse is the dreams I have at night are all about lashing out at her. My conscious mind is working on R but my sub conscious is wanting me to get even with her because she betrayed and hurt me.

 

The only time I feel disgusted with her now isnt even from the act itself. Its the fact that one night, she got prettied up, came downstairs to leave, probably asked how she looked....then kissed me and our kids goodbye all while knowing she was going to go screw another man. That kills me more than the act of sex alone i think.

 

As far as feeling safe...I think part of what led to her whole attitude change, and even the affair, is that she felt completely safe. She never feared losing me because I gave her no reason to. I always thought a little fear in a relationship is good. She had absolutely none so my mind is telling me to never let her be fearless like that again. Of course I'm not going to threaten her with that, but I think she is the type of woman who cant handle a relationship without fearing loss. The fear keeps them from being complacent, losing passion, and it keeps them working. But then, what the hell do I know.

[Ap22]

One question: how did you find out three weeks ago? Did she confess, of her own volition? Or did you catch her in some way?

 

 

So, if this isn't already part of the reconciliation, you need to tell her that, henceforth, you require unlimited, anytime access to her email, cell phone, Facebook, internet search history, everything. Usernames and passwords. She has to make her life an open book to you, and make herself accountable to you 24/7 in terms of her whereabouts, when she'll be back, and who she's with.

 

If she agrees to this willingly, that's another good sign. If she resists or starts bleating about her need for "privacy", that's a very bad sign, and you should tell her that it's a non-negotiable requirement or you're out the door.

 

You should also require that the two of you attend counselling.

 

Making her life an absolute open book to you, and attending counselling and talking about what she did, will be difficult and uncomfortable. But here's the thing: it SHOULD be difficult and uncomfortable. It's not "punishment" -- it's the minimum work required by her after such a massive betrayal to (a) fix what she wrecked, and (b) gradually restore your trust in her.

 

If you insist on those things and she agrees to them, I think in a few months you won't perceive nearly as much that she "got off easy".

 

Best of luck compadre... hang in there, and be strong.

 

Yeah she has done everything asked of her without hesitation. The OM is my stepsons father, I should say, sperm donor. She doesnt care if I out him, she told me to do it if it made me feel better. I broke her cell phone on dday. I've offered to get her another because its inconvenient at times for her not to have one and she refused. She told me to cancel her FB, which I have. I always had access to email. The only technology she has access to is her work computer where they dont allow browsing.

 

I raged at her a couple days after dday because she was taking a shower and locked the door. I needed to get into our closet and I snapped. I told her she has no privacy anymore. Doors dont get locked anymore. Shes agreed to the no privacy thing too.

 

I mean, shes done everything I've asked without hesitation. She is doing everything right in my mind to try to make it up. Obviously, even though I'm handling this better than I ever imagined, I'm still very angry, very hurt, and just saddened by the loss trust and loss of "innocence/purity" of my marriage.

 

I'm just so confused by why I feel the need to fight with her after a good day. We have a good day and I want to scream at her and say "Hey remember how you stabbed me in the back and betrayed me and the kids!" or "How did it feel screwing a weasel while the real man in your life was taking care of our kids!"....Hopefully in time the anger will subside...for right now, there is a civil war going on inside me.

[troubadour]

Its the fact that one night, she got prettied up, came downstairs to leave, probably asked how she looked....then kissed me and our kids goodbye all while knowing she was going to go screw another man.

 

 

This is pure malice.... words fail me!

[Fluttershy]

OP, i think the problem here is you are not being filly honest in MC. These thoughts and feelings you are expressing here should be stated there. And if you aren't ready for that head to IC and be honest! I'm not a full fan of therapy for this reason. If people aren't fully honest in it, it does nothing.

I urge you to share this next meeting.

[Fluttershy]

This is pure malice.... words fail me!

 

It is disgusting for sure but not always malice (look the word up). What it is is unhealthy and compartmentalization.

[Ap22]

It is disgusting for sure but not always malice (look the word up). What it is is unhealthy and compartmentalization.

 

Well to be fair I have no idea what night it was, and even if i did i wouldnt remember what happened when she left, but I cant imagine it didnt happen like this. She went out for a GNO supposedly, I stayed home with the kids.

 

As far as counseling, we've only been to one session and I did mention how angry I was and the dreams i'm having after we have "good" days. The dreams and thoughts make me feel like i'm betraying myself.

 

Maybe it has to do with the fact that I never tolerated cheating in my life. If a GF cheated, it was done. Period. Part of me cant believe i'm tolerating it in my wife. I am partly mad at myself for trying to R and thats where the problem lies. I'm just not ready to turn my 5 year old daughters life upside down. My wife may have enjoyed playing with fire, but I dont. I know I can get past this. I am pretty sure I can someday tell my wife I love her again. I owe it to my daughter to at least try.

[Fluttershy]

Well to be fair I have no idea what night it was, and even if i did i wouldnt remember what happened when she left, but I cant imagine it didnt happen like this. She went out for a GNO supposedly, I stayed home with the kids.

 

As far as counseling, we've only been to one session and I did mention how angry I was and the dreams i'm having after we have "good" days. The dreams and thoughts make me feel like i'm betraying myself.

 

Maybe it has to do with the fact that I never tolerated cheating in my life. If a GF cheated, it was done. Period. Part of me cant believe i'm tolerating it in my wife. I am partly mad at myself for trying to R and thats where the problem lies. I'm just not ready to turn my 5 year old daughters life upside down. My wife may have enjoyed playing with fire, but I dont. I know I can get past this. I am pretty sure I can someday tell my wife I love her again. I owe it to my daughter to at least try.

 

 

But you aren't tolerating it. Tolerating it is allowing it to continue. You are saying do x and we may, may, have a chance at rebuilding this. That isn't tolerating something. Or rug sweepin it like it never happened. It has only been three weeks, give yourself a break. And also, people have this idea eventually forgiving someone means saying what they did was okay. It most certainly isn't. After all if what she did was okay why would you need to forgive her?

I do not advocate staying for the kids alone. It builds an unhealthy ciew of marriage. So after some time has passed and you decide reconciliation isn't for you don't feel guilty for splitting up. A happy divorced father is much bettwr than one who is angry and in pain all the time.

[Madman81]

I'm just so confused by why I feel the need to fight with her after a good day. We have a good day and I want to scream at her and say "Hey remember how you stabbed me in the back and betrayed me and the kids!" or "How did it feel screwing a weasel while the real man in your life was taking care of our kids!"....Hopefully in time the anger will subside...for right now, there is a civil war going on inside me.

A lot of us have been there before, mang. Including me.

 

It's been three weeks for you. This is all new, and you're in the absolute worst of it right now. You're basically grieving a loss: specifically, the loss of the person you thought she was (devoted, faithful, honest). That person can come back, but it takes time. I've often heard it said that the time to recover from infidelity is measured in years, and it's true. In my case the marriage ended about three months after D-Day, but it took me just over 2.5 years to stop feeling angry at XW. If we'd kept trying to reconcile it probably wouldn't have taken quite that long, but it still would've been a long road.

 

Just remember that, contrary to what people think before this happens to them, your personal recovery from this blow will NOT be on a straight line. The overall trend will be positive, but you're going to have mini peaks and valleys along the way. You're going to get "triggered" by things that will surprise you and either make you angry or reduce you to tears. And those can even pop up years from now, once you and she have reconciled and are in a good place again. Their intensity, however, should diminish with time.

 

It's way too early to say if you and she can get past this together, but it sounds like you're off to a good start and that she's doing what she should be. You might want to check out two websites: survivinginfidelity.com, and marriagebuilders.com. Both were a great help to me when I went through this.

 

-- MM81

[Ap22]

Thanks for the replies.

 

I know i'm not tolerating it by staying, but I had such a hard line stance on cheating my entire life. I can proudly say I have never cheated in any of my relationships. Its just something I will not do. When you life by something your whole life, and then you dont follow through, it kind of feels like you are betraying yourself.

 

As far as staying, I'm doing it for my daughter in terms of why I am staying initially. My first instinct was to leave and get divorced. Had I left that night, I would have stayed gone. So I stayed living at home because of my daughter and now I think this can be salvaged. Shes the mother of my children and that alone makes me want to work this out. Truth be told, if she did finally come out and see the error of her ways, and this "new and improved" attitude is real and long lasting, then I can see me being happy with her again. It will never be the same, but I can still end up happy with her and keep our family together.

 

However, I am fully prepared to drop her in an instant if this is just temporary until she feels safe again. So I'll go about my business, try to keep things good between us, but i've prepared myself for the worst.

[troubadour]

It is disgusting for sure but not always malice (look the word up). What it is is unhealthy and compartmentalization.

 

 

Fluttershy, you seem to get so caught up in the excitement of offering your "oh so precious" advice that you fail to realize how comical you are becoming in the process. Your so omnipresent in your posts "know-it-all" attitude, combined with somewhat obsessive need to demonstrate it, is perplexing. You need to relax a bit.

 

The OP's wife behaviour toward him that evening was simply malicious.... PERIOD!

[Fluttershy]

Fluttershy, you seem to get so caught up in the excitement of offering your "oh so precious" advice that you fail to realize how comical you are becoming in the process. Your so omnipresent in your posts "know-it-all" attitude, combined with somewhat obsessive need to demonstrate it, is perplexing. You need to relax a bit.

 

The OP's wife behaviour toward him that evening was simply malicious.... PERIOD!

 

Excuse me? Don't like my opinion so that makes me all the above? The OP even said himself he doesn't know for a fact that she was heading out the door to see her AP thay specific night or not as he can't recall what night is was.

[Ap22]

Excuse me? Don't like my opinion so that makes me all the above? The OP even said himself he doesn't know for a fact that she was heading out the door to see her AP thay specific night or not as he can't recall what night is was.

 

 

Dont mean to get in the middle of this but, yeah, I have no idea what night it was. Its something she did every time she went out and I cant recall a time she didnt do that.

[Fluttershy]

Dont mean to get in the middle of this but, yeah, I have no idea what night it was. Its something she did every time she went out and I cant recall a time she didnt do that.

 

I hope you don't think I was downplaying your hurt over your wife's double life. It is terrible and soul crushing and unfathomable to know someone can smile to your face and stab you in the back. That pain is real. I merely object to troubador amping up your already high emotions by calling it malicious. Malice conveys the idea that the act is done with the purpose of causing you pain. If you believe your wife had no malice in her actions then I don't see it as helpful for people to push that she did. For some it might not make a difference but I know for me it does. If my spouse slept around on me with the intent to be maliceous and hurt me I think reconciliation a lot harder to achieve then engaging in an affair based on his own internal issues.

I don't know if that makes sense but for me intent is important.

[harrybrown]

What did she say to how she would feel if you had an affair?

 

Did she use protection?

[bubbaganoosh]

 

The only time I feel disgusted with her now isnt even from the act itself. Its the fact that one night, she got prettied up, came downstairs to leave, probably asked how she looked....then kissed me and our kids goodbye all while knowing she was going to go screw another man. That kills me more than the act of sex alone i think.

 

Have you told her what you wrote above? That's a powerful statement and it hits home. She not only lied to you but the kids.

 

That's what she might not understand and if the roles were reversed, she would feel the same way. That's a mind movie that IMO is every bit as bad as the mind movie of her having sex with the guy.