julsbee Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 I'm having a bit of a problem with someone in my friendship group (for context, we are women in our mid-20s). She and I have a mutual close friend, so I see her socially quite often (weekly at least). Now, while she is by no means a horrible person or anything but she is incredibly physically clingy and often behaves in quite an awkward/often inappropriate manner. She will often disengage from the group conversation going on (say while at dinner or coffee in a group of 4) and suddenly for no apparent reason, cling tightly to one of our arms while making very childlike noises and rubbing her head into our arms, sort of like a cat?(sorry, this is so difficult to capture in words). She will also poke at our arms and stomachs while in public as if this is funny/normal behaviour. She has mannerisms which are very similar to a small child seeking attention from an adult (i.e. the poking, constant hugging etc., speaking at a conspicuously loud volume). I find her very difficult to interact with and have a conversation with (about anything from pop culture, politics, uni, family life etc.). I try simply ignoring her physical behaviour and try to casually chat but the conversation does not flow and I do not feel as though I'm interacting with someone in my peer group with a similar level of education to myself. Ignoring the physical clinginess has not worked as she does not seem to be picking up on my physical cues that I don't want to be crawled all over, if anything she persists even more. As you may pick up from my tone, I can be somewhat assertive and blunt when frustrated. But I want to tactfully let this woman know that her behaviour often makes me feel uncomfortable and frustrated (I tend to reserve physical affection, besides a friendly hug hello/goodbye, to romantic partners). I have a slight suspicion that there may be a psychological explanation for her behaviour, but would obviously never bring that up to her or our friends. How should I approach this issue gently? Given we have a close mutual friends, I don't want to burn any bridges. Or am I being harsh? (I should point out that I am attracted to women, and she knows this; so her physically touching me in the manner she does is doubly uncomfortable)
d0nnivain Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Can you take her in the ladies room the next time she does this to you & sweetly tell her that she's making you uncomfortable & you would really appreciate it if you would stop? You are nicer than I am. If somebody rubbed up against me like a cat in public, I'd be pushing them away & demanding to know WTF is their problem. There wouldn't be anything subtle about it.
BOREDouttaMymind Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 ya its called 'as you get older friends fall away'. not saying to ditch her, but you need to be honest..otherwise it aint a friendship. just tell her, 'hun, youre my friend, but I don't feel comfortable when you do that now that we're older.' shes either going to say: 1. Oh man! I didn't even realize! lets go get some coffee and enjoy the day! ..with which you keep her. or 2. purr.. (rubbing head in your arm pit). whhaaa dooo you meeEEAnnn? meow. ..with which you ditch her. 1
lollipopspot Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 It's really awkward, and she probably won't realize it at first, but you'd be doing *her* a huge service to call attention to her behavior to her and tell her it's very childlike and uncomfortable. She's probably not even really conscious of it, as strange as that sounds. It's probably a way she learned to get on as a child, and it has just continued, and no one really knows how to tell her. Have you said anything to your mutual friend about it?
Author julsbee Posted December 7, 2013 Author Posted December 7, 2013 I havent spoken to out mutual friend, but that might be a good place to start. I only see this girl (call her T) when she's with mutual friend (B). So I can't ditch her as such. T & B have been friends since childhood (i have a feeling its been so long that they're kinda stuck together, TBH whenever they're together they don't really seem as close as childhood friends should be - once again, T is on a completely different plane of existence to the rest of us so very difficult to have a meaningful friendship with her) Hopefully I can get her alone next time I see her and tell her firmly that she is overstepping my personal boundaries (her behaviour is so OTT sometimes, we have gotten embarrassing stares in restaurants). Just wanted to get others' opinions as I don't want to come across as an unreasonable b*tch.
pie2 Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 Adding some positives usually makes a critical comment easier to take. Try to start off with complementing something you like about her and her friendship. Then let her know what bothers you. But try to finish with more ways you value her as a person. Seems over the top, but it works! If it doesn't, I agree with Boredoutta. 1
soph12 Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 I feel bad, but I LOL'd at your description before thinking that she might have been sexually abused as a child or gone through other trauma But her behavior is invasive and abnormal and I can imagine it would alienate people is she keeps it up. You should talk to her about it gently, away from other people so she's not humiliated. Just tell her you're not comfortable being hung onto. If it would make the blow softer, you might tell her that "like most people" you have mild space/sensory issues
preraph Posted December 30, 2013 Posted December 30, 2013 I would not wait until she did it again. I'd take her out for a burger and tell her you need to have a talk with her. She does sound like she's got problems. Whether they're girl-crushy issues or arrested development is unclear. Sometimes these are even parental abandonment issues. I had a friend who was a bit too snuggly 30 years ago, but we're still friends. I told her I only snuggle with people I'm having sex with. Hah. How's that for blunt? Just be sweet, but firm, and tell her that you assume she has the best intentions but that her overly affectionate behavior seems a bit odd and that it is also embarrassing in public. This girl needs a man or a woman, but she's likely to suffocate whoever she dates. Don't all gang up on her at once. It's not a drug addiction. But she will likely bring it up with others, and when she does, hopefully they'll be honest as well.
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