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Revenge [regarding infidelity]...is it morally wrong?

BeholdtheMan

By BeholdtheMan
in General Relationship Discussion

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Fluttershy Established Member

Fluttershy

Posted
Posted
u

 

 

 

 

 

 

If one is cheating, that is in direct violation of vows of faithfulness and as far from an expression of love for one's spouse as possible (baring violence).

 

If that isn't an expression of hate, I do not know what hate is. A cheater has to know their behavior will hurt their spouse, otherwise it wouldn't be conducted in secret.

 

It may not be a loving act but just because something isn't done out of love doesn't mean it is done out of hate. To say that all wayward spouse's have affairs because they "hate" their spouse is wrong. Or that the action itself is filled with hate towards their spouse. I'm not saying that hate isn't sometimes the fuel

In an affair but I am saying it isn't always. And no one can make that judgement about ALL people in ALL affairs. I would also not all RA are fueled by hate. Fear, desperation, selfishness, the same poor coping skills of the Wayward, all of that can fuel a RA. The problem is I think many betrayed spouses who choose the revenge affair feel justified in what they did, blame ther spouse, and refuse to dig deeper and see why they became someone who could cheat.

Chi townD Established Member

Chi townD

Posted
Posted
I would just like to add a few things as I just realized that I did not answer the question that the OP posed. Of course I believe that it is wrong and I agree with the other two who have replied thus far regarding moral high ground, etc. I have always believed keeping promises and I always have but...something in me snapped and I needed to dull the pain for awhile, feel better about myself (and I understand how ironic that may sound ie: having an affair in order to feel better about myself) but I know myself, and I did what I needed to do at the time, picked IMO the perfect affair partner, parted on great terms, and covered my tracks completely. WH thinks that I would never do such a thing so he has no clue, and since I have learned how to be a detective because of WH's affairs, I knew what to do, how to do it, etc. I am not being smug; just saying that I was incredibly careful.

 

So yes, it is wrong and that is what I have always believed. Until I changed my mind and went for it just this once. I look forward to being divorced, and able to date again.

 

Well, if you had no remorse after you had your RA and you even described it as "AWESOME"! I guess you were planning on divorce anyway. Therefore, I don't understand why you went to great lengths to hide it from your WH? Because, now, aren't you just as guilty as him?

 

Do you want to have him believe that you left the marriage as someone that held on to their moral beliefs? Leave him thinking that it was him and him alone that stepped out of the marriage? Are you afraid that if he found out, he would turn it around on you? I just don't understand.

AlwaysGrowing Established Member

AlwaysGrowing

Posted
Posted

Revenge Affair is just a finger pointing way to say poor coping skills. RA isn't the pretty sister of all other affairs...she is just as ugly.

 

Whenever someone goes against their own moral code, they need to look at themselves.

 

Why would anyone choose to sell off, self respect, integrity, self worth trying to hurt another? Quite the price you have to pay there. Seems to me, that you would be the one, you hurt the most.

  • Like 1
michelangelo Established Member

michelangelo

Posted
Posted
It may not be a loving act but just because something isn't done out of love doesn't mean it is done out of hate. To say that all wayward spouse's have affairs because they "hate" their spouse is wrong. Or that the action itself is filled with hate towards their spouse. I'm not saying that hate isn't sometimes the fuel

In an affair but I am saying it isn't always. And no one can make that judgement about ALL people in ALL affairs. I would also not all RA are fueled by hate. Fear, desperation, selfishness, the same poor coping skills of the Wayward, all of that can fuel a RA. The problem is I think many betrayed spouses who choose the revenge affair feel justified in what they did, blame ther spouse, and refuse to dig deeper and see why they became someone who could cheat.

 

I see the indifference you describe as a form of hatred. The expression may be sneaky and passive in motivation, but the ACT of cheating is an overt expression of contempt.

 

I don't give those who indulge in a RA any indulgence either, btw.

Fluttershy Established Member

Fluttershy

Posted
Posted (edited)
I see the indifference you describe as a form of hatred. The expression may be sneaky and passive in motivation, but the ACT of cheating is an overt expression of contempt.

 

I don't give those who indulge in a RA any indulgence either, btw.

 

I suppose then it is more our definitions of hatred that differ. But i still think it is too black and white to say all wayward spouse's hate their betrayed spouse. Far too black and white and an absolute.

Edited by Fluttershy
Elliotte Established Member

Elliotte

Posted
Posted

I believe revenge is more of a emotional reaction we have. Someone hurts you, you want to hurt them back just as bad, if not worse. But that is also lowering yourself to their level and taking precious time and effort from your life you could be spending moving forward from the pain, rather than holding on to it!

 

In my experience being happy and being successful is the best revenge, the time I was cheated on and ended up dumping an ex-gf I know that all the negative feelings I had about it (and still do occasionally), made me a person I didn't like to be.

 

Choose your own morals, that's your right as a human being, but there's definitely truth to the old saying "when seeking revenge, you need to dig two graves."

Fluttershy Established Member

Fluttershy

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I just wanted to add that if someone hits their spouse I wouldn't even say that is about hate always but rather about anger issues and something deeply wrong inside of the person. If someone cheats it isn't always because they hate their spouse. It is because they have a problem inside themselves that needs to be dealt with.

harrybrown Established Member

harrybrown

Posted
Posted
I would just like to add a few things as I just realized that I did not answer the question that the OP posed. Of course I believe that it is wrong and I agree with the other two who have replied thus far regarding moral high ground, etc. I have always believed keeping promises and I always have but...something in me snapped and I needed to dull the pain for awhile, feel better about myself (and I understand how ironic that may sound ie: having an affair in order to feel better about myself) but I know myself, and I did what I needed to do at the time, picked IMO the perfect affair partner, parted on great terms, and covered my tracks completely. WH thinks that I would never do such a thing so he has no clue, and since I have learned how to be a detective because of WH's affairs, I knew what to do, how to do it, etc. I am not being smug; just saying that I was incredibly careful.

 

So yes, it is wrong and that is what I have always believed. Until I changed my mind and went for it just this once. I look forward to being divorced, and able to date again.

 

Did you use protection? If not, did you get tested for stds?

TheGuard13 Established Member

TheGuard13

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In a modern sense, revenge is almost always morally wrong.

 

 

I can't even believe this question had to be asked.

SerCay Established Member

SerCay

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I would like to pose a simple question. Please share your views.

 

Is revenge morally wrong? What makes "turn the other cheek" morally superior to "an eye for an eye"?

 

Since this is the infidelity forum, "revenge" in the context of marital infidelity would refer mainly to revenge affairs. Of course, the fundamental question of whether revenge is wrong, right, or neither goes beyond the context of marriage and relationship.

 

It is a broad question but I feel it has great bearing on infidelity

 

Revenge is not wrong if you're not yet emotionally mature and strong enough to cope with infidelity, but it is a completely selfish act. However, when cheating, your partner was selfish as well...so that kind of out weighs the argument.

 

If I were strong and mature as I am today, and had done the research I have done about myself, and my self esteem and who I am, I would have never sought the solution in revenge when I did it at the time.

 

If anything similar would happen to me today, and my partner would cheat, I would either forgive, or leave, but not seek revenge.

 

That said, at the time being I was in such a low place, revenge was the only thing that saved me emotionally. Otherwise, my ego would have been crushed forever. If not forever, for a very long time. For me, it was the only way to show my partner that even he wouldnt get out of this unharmed after all the cr*p he pulled. So yeah, he deserved it.

 

I know a lot of people will oppose what I'm saying, but it's the truth for me.

 

I even wrote about it on LS, the name of my thread was ''revenge feels awesome'' if you'd like to have a peek.

 

Again, if something similar happened today, I would leave and not go for revenge. But that was then, and I was weak, had no self esteem and was crushed. Actually it was kind of where my personal journey started. When I noticed that revenge wasn't the answer, I started looking for WHY I didnt have the courage to leave and instead pulled such a BS act. So from their I started getting to know myself and build up self esteem.

 

The revenge adventure has leveled out my crushedness though. It gave me a feeling that I had shown my ex that he could not just walk over me and treat me however he pleased. When we broke up before my revenge adventure, I would be a mess and out of order for weeks on end, Now we recently broke up, I am doing fine actually.

 

One more thing I'd like to say; there are 2 kind of cheaters though...

 

1. Cheaters that cheat and then try to have their cake and eat it too after the GF or wife finds out. They still want to maintain in contact as ''friends'' with the OW or something similar, they show little to no empathy towards the feelings of their GF about the heartbreak. Even though the GF wants to forgive him, the cheater is still pushing boundaries and even in some cases (my case) trying to blame the GF for the cheating (you werent this enough, you lead me on yada yada kinda thing). see, THIS MAN YOU GET YOUR REVENGE ON AND TEACH HIM LIKE I DID (if you're emotionally weak like I was at that time anywayz, which is not something you have control over)

 

2. Cheaters with total remorse. Do anything to reverse your pain, go NC with the other person etc. THIS PERSON YOU TURN THE OTHER CHEEK TO.

 

Nuff said :p

HtotheN Established Member

HtotheN

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Did you use protection? If not, did you get tested for stds?

 

Just wow; of course we used protection.

Quiet Storm Established Member

Quiet Storm

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Posted

I am not religious, but I have morals and standards for myself. Those morals and standards remain intact, regardless of how someone treats me. I follow the golden rule.

 

I am not a liar or a cheater, and another person's choices won't change that.

 

By my standards, revenge cheating is morally wrong because my morals are about ME. They reflect who I am. My morals are not something that change depending on whether a person were to cheat on me, steal from me, lie to me or hurt me.

  • Like 3
regine_phalange Established Member

regine_phalange

Posted
Posted

I'm not religious, but I believe in karma. Qualms of coinscience is not pretty to have. The best revenge is that you move on with your life and totally forget about these people. Indifference is the exact oppossite of love... This is what hurts the most.

pteromom Established Member

pteromom

Posted
Posted

Is revenge morally wrong? What makes "turn the other cheek" morally superior to "an eye for an eye"?

 

Because it isn't about the other person at all - it's about being true to your own integrity.

 

By having a revenge affair, you are selling out your own morality. It hurts you more than it hurts them.

HtotheN Established Member

HtotheN

Posted
Posted
Well, if you had no remorse after you had your RA and you even described it as "AWESOME"! I guess you were planning on divorce anyway. Therefore, I don't understand why you went to great lengths to hide it from your WH? Because, now, aren't you just as guilty as him?

 

Do you want to have him believe that you left the marriage as someone that held on to their moral beliefs? Leave him thinking that it was him and him alone that stepped out of the marriage? Are you afraid that if he found out, he would turn it around on you? I just don't understand.

 

Firstly, I somehow missed your post until now so sorry for that.

 

As I stated, I did not have a revenge affair; it was only for myself. This was actually an exit affair. I am in for a battle and I needed to feel stronger; we are going to divorce and I would NEVER have done what I did had we been trying to reconcile. Regarding the question of equal guilt - no; not even close. I'll save you the trouble of reading about my serial cheater hubbie but let's just say that I used just one of probably dozens of free passes. And yes; two wrongs do not make a right but I can live with that. Besides, have you ever noticed how the ones who are the most vocal and judgemental about a wronged person acting in kind are they themselves cheaters? I sure have and the irony of that is amusing. Goose, meet gander.

 

As far as him being under the impression that my morals are unchanged, I care not. The only reason I will not tell him is because I do not want him to use it against me. I cannot go into details here but he has certain advantages over me and will use any that he can and he can be spiteful. I KNOW that even though his philandering over the years has been nothing short of prolific, he would think that my one short dalliance would equate with his actions and I disagree with that wholeheartedly.

 

I hope that this clears things up for you.

man_in_the_box Established Member

man_in_the_box

Posted
Posted

Well, it is wrong and exceptionally stupid.

HtotheN Established Member

HtotheN

Posted
Posted
Well, it is wrong and exceptionally stupid.

 

you are entitled to your opinion.

man_in_the_box Established Member

man_in_the_box

Posted
Posted

Yes, great isn't it?

  • Like 1
TheGuard13 Established Member

TheGuard13

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Posted

I think people get tripped up on "wrong", and "wrong for me".

 

 

You may do something wrong, but it may ultimately end up being something that benefits you and/or allows you to grow as a human being. Affairs aren't always all bad in that sense.

  • Like 1
MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted
I would like to pose a simple question. Please share your views.

 

Is revenge morally wrong? What makes "turn the other cheek" morally superior to "an eye for an eye"?

 

Since this is the infidelity forum, "revenge" in the context of marital infidelity would refer mainly to revenge affairs. Of course, the fundamental question of whether revenge is wrong, right, or neither goes beyond the context of marriage and relationship.

 

It is a broad question but I feel it has great bearing on infidelity

 

Two wrongs don't make a right, as cliched as that is, it's often very true.

 

For me, it's not a matter of if it's wrong or right but rather: is it productive?

 

Often times with revenge, we end up actually hurting ourselves as well, which is why there is that saying about when you're digging a hole for someone else you will probably fall in yourself.

 

So it's like: to what end is the revenge cheating? What exactly will it accomplish and how do you move on from it? If you're intending to divorce then revenge cheating doesn't even matter at that point I guess, but I suppose it will add salt to the wound. If you are planning to try to reconcile but decide to revenge cheat to "even the score" I imagine it often makes things even worse and if you revenge cheated before deciding what to do and then end up deciding to reconcile, well you've added another element.

 

I don't think it's right to revenge cheat but more than that it's unproductive and impulsive and I can see more ways that it will make the person who did it feel worse so the revenge isn't even solely on their spouse but they've also added extra consequences for themselves.

Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted

The best revenge is to leave and live well without them. That seems to bother them more than anything.

  • Like 1
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