How do you deal with the grief and regret and confusion after ending a relationship?

[robyncat]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 11 months last night. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and I am entirely unsure if it was the right decision. My rational mind knows it was the right thing to do, but because there were no major obvious issues it feels so hard to justify making this decision. To make a very long explanation short, I think it was a combination of GIGS and personality conflicts that made me feel like I had to do this. My irrational mind is worried that I will never find a guy as kindhearted, loving, and funny as him.

 

I just feel so terrible that I've hurt him like this. We love each other so much and I know he would do anything for me. I wish I could go hand him a list of everything I need to see change for the relationship to work because I know he'd do it - but obviously, it is not fair to him to expect him to change so much. I have so much guilt and sadness in my heart at the thought of him being hurt because of a decision I made. I am also feeling overwhelming grief and fear at the thought of not having him in my life anymore. He's been a huge part of my life for the last year and I really love him, and I know I will for a long time. I know part of it is just finding new thing to fill the void where your ex used to be, but I don't want new things. I want him and I want things to stay the way they are, but at the same time I know if I stayed with him I would be compromising my own happiness and well-being for the rest of my life. He would never purposely make me unhappy or hurt me but the dynamic of the relationship just left me feeling like I had to shut off or ignore parts of my personality to make it work.

 

To make everything worse, I feel like I didn't give the relationship enough of a chance. I have a lot of trouble talking about my feelings and I basically sprung this breakup on him without really talking it out beforehand. Just made my decision and ended it. I tried to break up with him a month ago and was so upset I changed my mind, but unfortunately that just made everything even more confusing for me.

 

I hope this all makes sense. I'm upset and confused and trying to tell myself I made the right decision. It is so hard though when I know that an incredible man who I love and who loves me is sitting in his apartment with our sweet kitten, missing me and wishing I would come back. I really need advice on how to deal with these emotions or figure out if I even made the right decision. I'm so lost.

[Haydn]

Wow you sound like my ex. She dropped me and has spent the last 5 months attempting to find out about me. I think the best thing you can do is leave him alone. You dropped him let him deal with this and respect him. He has the hardest job to get over you so no leading him on. You left him and you had your reasons it was your choice so leave him alone.

[Haydn]

its not a game when you drop someone. And its not fair to question your decision and make yourself to be the victim. Maybe he is getting over you?

[Shaine]

Is this your cat?

http://i.imgur.com/EbH6IGh.jpg

[2fargone]

I wish I could go hand him a list of everything I need to see change for the relationship to work because I know he'd do it - but obviously, it is not fair to him to expect him to change so much.

 

 

This caught my eye. Compromise is normal in a relationship. It's give and take. Him changing some, you accepting some.

On top of that, you handing him a list would IMO have been the fair thing to do. It would be HIS choice to do something with it or not. Now, you took that choice away from him and made the decision for him.

 

 

Other than that I understand where you're coming from. I guess there is no real wrong or right in situations like these. I sincerely hope you'll figure it all out.

[MoooOinkBaaa]

I want him and I want things to stay the way they are, but at the same time I know if I stayed with him I would be compromising my own happiness and well-being for the rest of my life. He would never purposely make me unhappy or hurt me but the dynamic of the relationship just left me feeling like I had to shut off or ignore parts of my personality to make it work.

 

Please explain this more?

[Never Again]

OP, I'm not going to be gentle or use the kid gloves here, so be warned.

 

You are making excuses.

 

That's it. You even recognize this by saying you didn't give the relationship enough of a chance. You're grasping at straws and convincing yourself that this was a good idea when you've admitted to not talking about your feelings or needs

 

It's possible that you and your ex are incompatible, but you're expecting things to be peachy keen and fulfilling without even trying, and saying that presenting him with a list of things he needed to TRY to work on would've been unfair.

 

You're also claiming that you KNOW you'd be compromising your happiness, yet you seem to have lacked the courage to try and pursue it with him and chose to instead take the easy way out.

 

If a relationship is unfulfilling and you absolutely know there's no fixing it, then sure...it's best to walk away. However, by failing to communicate you don't KNOW this at all. You FEEL it, and that's irrational and emotional by definition. You're trying to rationalize your choice. Don't bother. Either accept that it was an emotional decision and stick to it, or admit you made a mistake and TRY.

 

Either way, understand that while you have every right to be hurt and upset (breakups can be very hard on dumpers and I sympathize with that), your confusion is something you shouldn't accept.

 

If you're confused or unsure about a breakup, then it means you're not ready to breakup. It means you're running away because things were difficult or scary or different.

 

All that being said, I'm sorry for your pain.

 

I think the best advice is for you to take some real time to yourself. Reflect on this situation and do not contact him. See how you feel once you've given yourself some real distance from him.

[organizedchaos]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 11 months last night. It was the hardest thing I've ever done and I am entirely unsure if it was the right decision. My rational mind knows it was the right thing to do, but because there were no major obvious issues it feels so hard to justify making this decision. To make a very long explanation short, I think it was a combination of GIGS and personality conflicts that made me feel like I had to do this. My irrational mind is worried that I will never find a guy as kindhearted, loving, and funny as him.

 

I just feel so terrible that I've hurt him like this. We love each other so much and I know he would do anything for me. I wish I could go hand him a list of everything I need to see change for the relationship to work because I know he'd do it - but obviously, it is not fair to him to expect him to change so much. I have so much guilt and sadness in my heart at the thought of him being hurt because of a decision I made. I am also feeling overwhelming grief and fear at the thought of not having him in my life anymore. He's been a huge part of my life for the last year and I really love him, and I know I will for a long time. I know part of it is just finding new thing to fill the void where your ex used to be, but I don't want new things. I want him and I want things to stay the way they are, but at the same time I know if I stayed with him I would be compromising my own happiness and well-being for the rest of my life. He would never purposely make me unhappy or hurt me but the dynamic of the relationship just left me feeling like I had to shut off or ignore parts of my personality to make it work.

 

To make everything worse, I feel like I didn't give the relationship enough of a chance. I have a lot of trouble talking about my feelings and I basically sprung this breakup on him without really talking it out beforehand. Just made my decision and ended it. I tried to break up with him a month ago and was so upset I changed my mind, but unfortunately that just made everything even more confusing for me.

 

I hope this all makes sense. I'm upset and confused and trying to tell myself I made the right decision. It is so hard though when I know that an incredible man who I love and who loves me is sitting in his apartment with our sweet kitten, missing me and wishing I would come back. I really need advice on how to deal with these emotions or figure out if I even made the right decision. I'm so lost.

 

Sounds exactly like what happened to me, as the one being dumped. Reading what you wrote I can realistically imagine my ex saying the same thing if she posted here. Only it was almost 3 years for us.

 

He's hurting. Badly. Especially since this wasn't a break up due to cheating, fighting, etc. I wish my ex would have had a real heart to heart about working on things. almost 5 months later and I still don't have answers. We had an amazing relationship overall, a few fights here and there, but nothing unusual. I still can't grasp as to why things were so bad for her she felt she needed to end it other than GIGS, and that sucks.

 

Search your feelings and really think if this is something that irreconcilable or you're just scared.

 

I feel bad for you. I feel worse for him.

[robyncat]

Is this your cat?

http://i.imgur.com/EbH6IGh.jpg

 

No... but mine looks very similar. Why?

[robyncat]

Please explain this more?

He as a person makes me really happy. We get along well, laugh lots, he's respectful and kind. All that good stuff. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that we had a lot of personality conflicts, and a lot of the time they left me feeling bad. Here are a few examples: I am a motivated and hard working person. I exercise regularly, prioritize healthy eating, work 40+ hours a week and have never been unemployed while not in school. He says he wants to prioritize fitness but rarely goes to the gym and rarely cooks for himself. The few times he's cooked a healthy meal in the year we were together, he went on and on about it looking for validation from me. Meanwhile, I'm thinking 'that's great, but this is what my dinner looked like every night before I met you'.

 

He's been underemployed most of the time I've known him - he's waiting to be accepted for training for his career, but obviously needs to survive in the meantime. He just doesn't seem to have the motivation to go out and find a job that will have him working 40 hours a week. I realize finding work can be really hard, but for the last few months, most days went like this - I'd wake up and leave for work in the morning, and he'd be asleep. He'd text me good morning later in the day, and say 'today I'm going to the gym, I'll do some laundry and chores, I'll make a healthy dinner, and look for work'. In the evening, after 9 hours of work and an hour at the gym, I'll return starving and ready for dinner and none of those things would be done. It's really hard to be around, because I felt like it dragged me down. I went from being someone who spent lots of time with friends, made time for her hobbies, spent lots of time outdoors to spending all my free time with him, indoors, often while he was on the computer playing computer games.

 

We had more than a few discussions where I said I needed things to change (I never directly said anything about his lack of motivation, more about how I needed to be doing more with my free time) but nothing really changed. I just felt depressed and stifled and bored all the time, but happy because I was spending my time with him.

[robyncat]

And trust me everyone, I feel way worse for him than I do for myself too. I've been dumped plenty of times (but have never broken up with someone before) and I know it is the worst feeling in the world. At least I feel like this could lead to a positive change in my life... I feel terrible knowing he's feeling a loss. We texted back and forth a bit and he said lots of times that he knows 100% that he wants to be with me and he would do anything to make me happy.

 

But realistically, if I were to give him a list of things to change, it would look like this "I need you to be more motivated, in better shape, and a healthier eater. You need to give up your goddamn WoW and computer games and start prioritizing making money over playing games. You need to shower daily and brush your teeth at least twice a day. You need to stop throwing around derogatory words and randomly grabbing at my body, because I've told you multiples times it all bothers me. You need to make sure I come first when we have sex, since I make sure to take care of you plenty. You need to take me seriously when we talk and actually put some effort in to our conversations. I work with children all day and at the end of the day, I want some real adult conversation. Calling me cute nicknames and responding to everything I say with dumb statements is not a real conversation. You need to stop spending days upon days at home without leaving the house or seeing anyone but me."

 

UGH. Sorry. I feel like I had some valid reasons for the breakup, but of course I think he is a wonderful person and I already miss him.

 

At this point I think it's best to just go NC and let him get over me.

[JDPT]

You have a very clear fundamental understanding as to what it is you need to do to make this transition "smoother". You are overwhelmed with guilt and need to find it in you that you made the best decision possible based on given circumstances. And ultimately own it and live with it. Understand that in time and with tons of proactive effort on your behalf it will be alright. Hang in there, we are all strapped on this same emotional roller coaster.

[mikecr50]

Have you ever tried talking to a therapist? Sometimes an objective person can help you make sense of it all. Also how old are you? It's no shame to be young (God I wish I was!) but it makes a difference in life stages. If it hurts that much there must have been a lot there. Maybe couples counseling? Or just give it some time and reconsider your feelings. Please don't give him breadcrumbs though if its over let it be over. It hurts to break someones heart as much as it hurts to have yours broken I know.

[Treasa]

I can understand why you'd break up with him. Even if he did change, you might wonder if it was just for you, and how long it would last, and you likely want a guy who's motivated to do these things on his own.

 

I understand you're hurting, but you have to do what's right for you. Maybe he'll take this as a nudge to start getting things going in his own life.

 

Keep living your life, honey.