What ever happened to privacy?

[John-Dough]

Back in the day, before I got married, I was living with my fiancee. One day I came home and she was very upset. I had no idea what it was about. Finally, she confessed that I had received a letter (snail mail) from an old girlfriend, an old girlfriend that I had been engaged to at one time. My current fiancee had destroyed the letter and tossed it in the dumpster. Many years later I found out that the letter was basically an apology for how she had broke things off as she was trying to find her way in life. She was wondering how I was, and told me how much I had meant to her as she was growing up and becoming a woman. She too had become engaged and wanted to see me before she tied the knot. She wanted to be sure she was making the right choice.

 

Anyway, my fiancee stealing that letter and destroying it bothered me at the time, but over the years it bothered me more and more. It still bothers me to this day, obviously. I couldn't understand why she thought she had the right to open a personal letter to me and then to destroy it without letting me see it, not allowing me to make my own decisions.

 

The reason I posted this here is as I read through these various posts, I am surprised at how people go through their significant other's emails, phones, etc. and use keyloggers and polygraphs. I couldn't live like that, no privacy what so ever. It's just not worth it.

Edited December 6, 2013 by John-Dough

[Keenly]

It's ridiculous. I would have left that woman right then and there, because it clearly demonstrated a lack of respect both for you as a person, and for your possessions. To think that she had the right to intervene with something like that is just absurd.

 

 

To your other point, I completely agree with you. People seem to think that going through your SO's phone or emails is SOP. When you stand your ground and protect your privacy, you are instantly labeled as behaving suspiciously.

 

 

Trust is gone.

[carhill]

I'm with you, OP. Even when we were married, I never opened my exW's mail. Though we shared the same physical address, we both had separate PO boxes for our businesses and I would often collect her mail when at the PO and leave it for her.

 

We did share account and e-mail information and passwords. The key is 'share', meaning we each did it voluntarily. There were a few times that came in handy, markedly if/when she was on the road and her accounts were compromised.

 

Perhaps, since we're older, that kind of thinking is 'old-fashioned'. Fine by me. Privacy is how we each choose to maintain it.

 

If this issue is on your mind, I'd recommend resolving it before getting married.

[John-Dough]

If this issue is on your mind, I'd recommend resolving it before getting married.

 

This happened over 20 years ago and it still bothers me. I guess I don't get over things easily. LOL

[happy stillmore]

Do you ever wonder if your life would have been different if you did see that ex-girlfriend before her wedding? What if your ex-girlfriend would have canceled the wedding when you found out you still had a connection? Things that make you go hmmmm.

 

That was wrong that your fiance took it upon herself to open your mail and throw it out. That is manipulation of your life.

[John-Dough]

Do you ever wonder if your life would have been different if you did see that ex-girlfriend before her wedding? What if your ex-girlfriend would have canceled the wedding when you found out you still had a connection?

 

Yes.

[carhill]

Don't get married, IMO. At minimum, get some PMC. There's unfinished business here and it doesn't portend for a healthy marriage. Marriage is tough enough as it is without this kind of stuff intruding.

[whichwayisup]

This happened over 20 years ago and it still bothers me. I guess I don't get over things easily. LOL

 

Is this serious enough that you're considering divorcing? Has she done anything like this again during your marriage? If not, really do your best to get over this. Life is too short to hang onto past anger.

 

Let me ask, how has your 20 year marriage been? Or is this constantly on your mind day in and day out?

[John-Dough]

Don't get married, IMO. At minimum, get some PMC. There's unfinished business here and it doesn't portend for a healthy marriage. Marriage is tough enough as it is without this kind of stuff intruding.

 

This is old news, my friend. Over 20 years ago. I did get married - oops. Where were you back then! I still am married and yes we have issues. I did try to get her to go to PMC - because of other issues - but after one trip she wouldn't go back because she felt the therapist was on my side.

 

I guess I was pretty stupid in my youth.

 

So, here I am on loveshack.org. Not good.

[carhill]

Sorry, long day, read the post wrong. Meh....

 

Great example of how unfinished business sticks with us. Yep, had my share of it too. We got MC and that helped me, though it didn't save the M.

[John-Dough]

Is this serious enough that you're considering divorcing? Has she done anything like this again during your marriage? If not, really do your best to get over this. Life is too short to hang onto past anger.

 

Let me ask, how has your 20 year marriage been? Or is this constantly on your mind day in and day out?

 

Not it's not constantly on my mind. And I am not worried about that other old girlfriend. I have seen her several times and she is just an old friend - nothing romantic there at all.

 

But, we have issues! That was just one of many alarm bells, I ignored. The others were fits of rage and anger that I attributed to her mother passing away around that time. But, that wasn't it, they were here to stay. I was pretty dumb in my youth.

 

And I don't know about divorce - just trying to figure stuff out.

[happy stillmore]

Did you know about the content of the letter before you married your wife? You at least knew your wife hid that letter from you. That is lying to you. You married her knowing she had the ability to be manipulative. A marriage has to be based on trust. That is an issue I have with my husband. When we were dating, he peeped on me while I was taking a shower at his Mom's. (He was able to stick his head in an upstairs closet where the pipes were and look down at me in a downstairs shower.) We were not in a sexual relationship at that point. In fact, I was a virgin and never showed a man by naked body. It was a confusing time for me at that time of my life. I kinda repressed it and acted like it didn't happen. Crazy I know.

 

Long story short, to this day, I don't trust him fully because I felt he was sneaky. Like he took a shortcut to satisfy his desire to see me naked. I'm angry at myself that I didn't face it then. I was an emotional mess at the time. I should not have married him.

 

I would talk to your wife and tell her that you are still bothered by her deceit regarding the letter. A relationship should be based on trust. No doubt about it.

Edited December 6, 2013 by happy stillmore

[John-Dough]

No, I didn't know the content of the letter until years later.

 

And yes, I shouldn't have overlooked that. As I said, stupidity in my youth.

 

And - she is a difficult person to talk to, especially about personal things. Hell, I don't even know anymore, maybe it's me. We don't have a very communicative relationship. It kind of sucks.

[John-Dough]

I mean counseling would really be useful - IMO

 

But, she would never go for that. I tried to get her to go for PMC - and we went once, but she wouldn't go back because she felt therapist was taking my side.

 

She also had/has serious trust issue - it comes from her early upbringing. Back then, she never trusted me. Not for anything I ever did - but for things other people did to her.

 

There is so much to this story.

[John-Dough]

But hey - the rest of my life is not bad - so I can't complain too much.

[beach]

Since it's your resentment - get help for yourself since you are the one holding on to that anger.

 

Are you planning to allow your resentment to ruin what might be good in your life? Or are you planning to address it and work through it?

 

It's yours - not your wife's anger. I hope you will seek help.

 

Are you certain you're not just looking for reasons to be angry at your wife?

[Debanked]

When you get burned by your partner and your trust is broken you demand full transparency. Sucks, but that's the way it is!

[beach]

Have you had an affair while married? Are you having one now?

[dichotomy]

She was wondering how I was, and told me how much I had meant to her as she was growing up and becoming a woman. She too had become engaged and wanted to see me before she tied the knot. She wanted to be sure she was making the right choice.

 

.

 

Sounds exactly like the opening few lines of a wayward spouse story......So Cut her some slack, there are worse, much worse things that she could have done before you married - and after. People sometimes act poorly - to protect what is very valuable and important to them - in this case her pending marriage to you.

Edited December 6, 2013 by dichotomy

[Art_Critic]

I think you are just doing the woulda, coulda, shoulda deal becuase things aren't great in your marriage, rolling through your mind of your past thinking the what if's...

This is one of those things that you should let let go of, yes she broke your privacy boundary but now 20 years later if it is bothering your it has little to do with her and more to do with what is happening in your life right now.

 

I agree that some of the ways people read others emails and facebooks, etc etc is really out of hand, driven by insecurity and or jealousy.

I know most of my wife's passwords but not all to her accounts and she mine but neither goes in and checks up on one another...

[John-Dough]

Have you had an affair while married? Are you having one now?

 

The answer is no.

[John-Dough]

Since it's your resentment - get help for yourself since you are the one holding on to that anger.

 

Are you planning to allow your resentment to ruin what might be good in your life? Or are you planning to address it and work through it?

 

It's yours - not your wife's anger. I hope you will seek help.

 

Are you certain you're not just looking for reasons to be angry at your wife?

 

Regarding point 1 - if you read all my posts - I said I wasn't losing any sleep over it. I only used that as a prelude to what I was actually getting at - that now days, people thinking nothing of spying on each other.

 

Regarding point 2 - see point 1, and there are other issues in our relationship that bother me more than this. This happened a long long time ago. Probably my biggest complaints are - That I am the one working and making the money, plus I do most of the stuff around the house. And, we haven't had a sexual relationship in a very long time. And she has a tendency to get mad about other things and then take it out on whoever is around - me, our dogs, etc. - good thing we don't have kids. And these issues have nothing to do with me, probably most of the time it is after she listens to Glen Beck and then gets real upset with the government.

 

Regarding point 3 - I am not an angry person - if you actually knew me, you would know that. But no way I can convince you through a post.

 

Regarding point 4 - No. I am actually not mad about this anymore and really wasn't even that mad at the time - but I do think it was wrong. I probably would be better off if I did get mad more often - but again, you don't really know me.

[John-Dough]

I agree that some of the ways people read others emails and facebooks, etc etc is really out of hand, driven by insecurity and or jealousy.

I know most of my wife's passwords but not all to her accounts and she mine but neither goes in and checks up on one another...

 

I understand - if I needed something, I would give it to her so she could check on something for me. But, since I am well aware of the need to change passwords on a regular basis - for security reasons, we don't consistently update each other when there has been a change. It would be on an as needed basis. My point was, if the relationship gets to that point, I would either accept it and move on or get out. I would not want to spy on someone or have them spying on me either. Just my opinion and how I choose to live.

Edited December 6, 2013 by John-Dough

[BOREDouttaMymind]

tell her about its bothering you..

 

if you get nowhere with that, go with Option B..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

..open a letter of hers. whats she going to say?

[John-Dough]

One thing I learned from this thread - don't try to tie in an example from your own life to make a point. It's too confusing for the readers.

 

KISS