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7 weeks of NC tonight CONTACT

URNotAlone

By URNotAlone
in The Other Man / Woman

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URNotAlone Member

URNotAlone

Posted
Posted

I wrote a couple weeks ago about the affair I had. When the wife found out contact was cut cold turkey and that was seven weeks ago and I thought it was only hard on me and not my AP. I do believe after reading this that it was hard for him as well. I assumed he was working on his marriage anyhow without him writing. I wish he never sent this as I feel is set me back. I was doing much better this week after being very depressed. I think since he waited this long that he should not have bothered. If his wife has a keylogger or way to trace him she will be furious. I thought this might be helpful to some of you struggling with NC. Does this put NC back to day one?

 

Below is the message that he sent me.

 

 

Xxxxx this is Xxx, I'm using Xxxx's account because she blocked you on my account, so I'm going to delete this as soon as I finish writing it. One of the reasons I'm writing this is to say Good-Bye to you, sorry it has taken so long. The past weeks have been very difficult for me, the cost of the choices I made is much greater than I ever expected. I know I devastated Xxxx and quite possibly hurt you. I've done a lot of thinking and I realize now we should have thought about the consequences before we did what we did. The things we thought were almost funny only demonstrate to me now how callous I was. I know as time went on my feelings for you grew stronger and lessened on Xxxx and made me consider Xxxx's feelings less. Though I enjoyed the time we spent together, I realize now with my personality, insecurity and temper things wouldn't have worked out with us. I'm confident that you will have no trouble finding someone and I hope you can find happiness. I'm committed to salvaging my relationship and I know it will be hard to earn back her trust, but I do believe she will forgive me or at least move past it. I think in spite of what we did and how we did it, you are a decent person, friend, and mother. Please know I have no ill feelings towards you and I accept responsibility for all of this. But I wanted to write you sooner because I know I should at least have let you know my intentions. Watching Xxxx suffer has made me feel ashamed, embarrassed, cruel, and even undeserving of how much she does love me. I know you're an intelligent, strong, capable, attractive woman and you deserve more than I was capable of being for you. I hope you find everything you are looking for as you deserve to be happy too. I wish you the best. Xxxx

  • Like 1
happy stillmore Established Member

happy stillmore

Posted
Posted

I hate goodbyes. I was sad reading that. I know your heart is broken. It hurts like crazy. Damn it. Why couldn't these men think of all of this before starting the relationship with you? My xMM said if he left his wife it would kill her and he did make a promise to take care of her. Why didn't he remember that before contacting me?

 

I'm sorry you are hurting. It is what it is. We were lied to and we believed them. The men didn't see the whole picture when they said they loved us. They probably did love us but the cost is too high. I hope you are able to find closure now and move on.

  • Like 3
whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted

Well 7 weeks of NC IS already goodbye, so I think you should take that note and let it set you free, give yourself more closure. Who cares why he wrote or if he felt the need to relieve his own guilt. Make this about you not about him.

 

And no, you haven't broken NC, he has. Don't write back. If you do that will just open the lines of communication and the last thing you need is more contact.

 

Anyway, it seemed genuine and honest, so go with that. No hard feelings, you both have moved on, albeit with pain - but life has gone on..

 

Take care of you and don't let this be a slip back. Look at it as a positive to keep you in NC. He is still very married and that is not going to change. He wished you well and I assume you are wishing him well too.

  • Like 5
BrokenPrincess Established Member

BrokenPrincess

Posted
Posted

This letter brought back a whole rush of feelings for me. I got a goodbye letter too, much shorter, but similar intention. My xMM and I are both married though so he does not have to address me finding someone else. Honestly I overall thought it was a nice reply except this part, which really pissed me off for you!!

 

I think in spite of what we did and how we did it, you are a decent person, friend, and mother.

 

I mean, thanks xxxx but he doesn't need to give you that backhanded validation. Ignore me if that didn't bother you, I might just be venting my own insecurity and defensiveness coming from my own situation :sick:

 

I know you feel set back from this, but you will bounce back a lot faster than you did from the initial NC. For me this was 2-3 days of nonstop crying after the goodbye versus the 2-3 weeks after DDay. Big, big hugs to you. This finality can hurt deep, but maybe it will help you move forward.

  • Like 3
Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted
I wrote a couple weeks ago about the affair I had. When the wife found out contact was cut cold turkey and that was seven weeks ago and I thought it was only hard on me and not my AP. I do believe after reading this that it was hard for him as well. I assumed he was working on his marriage anyhow without him writing. I wish he never sent this as I feel is set me back. I was doing much better this week after being very depressed. I think since he waited this long that he should not have bothered. If his wife has a keylogger or way to trace him she will be furious. I thought this might be helpful to some of you struggling with NC. Does this put NC back to day one?

 

Below is the message that he sent me.

 

 

Xxxxx this is Xxx, I'm using Xxxx's account because she blocked you on my account, so I'm going to delete this as soon as I finish writing it. One of the reasons I'm writing this is to say Good-Bye to you, sorry it has taken so long. The past weeks have been very difficult for me, the cost of the choices I made is much greater than I ever expected. I know I devastated Xxxx and quite possibly hurt you. I've done a lot of thinking and I realize now we should have thought about the consequences before we did what we did. The things we thought were almost funny only demonstrate to me now how callous I was. I know as time went on my feelings for you grew stronger and lessened on Xxxx and made me consider Xxxx's feelings less. Though I enjoyed the time we spent together, I realize now with my personality, insecurity and temper things wouldn't have worked out with us. I'm confident that you will have no trouble finding someone and I hope you can find happiness. I'm committed to salvaging my relationship and I know it will be hard to earn back her trust, but I do believe she will forgive me or at least move past it. I think in spite of what we did and how we did it, you are a decent person, friend, and mother. Please know I have no ill feelings towards you and I accept responsibility for all of this. But I wanted to write you sooner because I know I should at least have let you know my intentions. Watching Xxxx suffer has made me feel ashamed, embarrassed, cruel, and even undeserving of how much she does love me. I know you're an intelligent, strong, capable, attractive woman and you deserve more than I was capable of being for you. I hope you find everything you are looking for as you deserve to be happy too. I wish you the best. Xxxx

 

Yeah he shouldn't have bothered. He sounds like an inconsiderate prick.

  • Like 3
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URNotAlone Member

URNotAlone

Posted
  • Author
Posted
This letter brought back a whole rush of feelings for me. I got a goodbye letter too, much shorter, but similar intention. My xMM and I are both married though so he does not have to address me finding someone else. Honestly I overall thought it was a nice reply except this part, which really pissed me off for you!!

 

 

 

I mean, thanks xxxx but he doesn't need to give you that backhanded validation. Ignore me if that didn't bother you, I might just be venting my own insecurity and defensiveness coming from my own situation :sick:

 

I know you feel set back from this, but you will bounce back a lot faster than you did from the initial NC. For me this was 2-3 days of nonstop crying after the goodbye versus the 2-3 weeks after DDay. Big, big hugs to you. This finality can hurt deep, but maybe it will help you move forward.

 

Yes that did bother me. I was just thinking the exact same thing while driving home from the store. That one sentence did stand out and I thought "WOW I am descent"…gee thanks.

 

I hope I bounce back fast. What bothers me is I was doing fine and my thoughts were becoming clearer and I was starting to get out of the house more. This only made me want to respond. Which I will not do. I will compose my thoughts and write my letter to him on here. At least that way I can say what I need to.

  • Like 1
Whisper Quiet Member

Whisper Quiet

Posted
Posted

I wonder if this is his way is fishing to see if you will respond or are still interested? It seems to be constructed in a way to pique your interest, but if his wife finds it he can point to the parts of the letter where he acknowledges the A was wrong, devastated his wife, etc.

 

Block all avenues xMM and his wife have of contacting you and focus on your future.

 

Just my .02 cents.

  • Like 6
lilmisscantbewrong Established Member

lilmisscantbewrong

Posted
Posted

Yeah I got one like that too and then he broke nc again and again and so did I until one final explosion and now nc for 3 1/2 years.

 

He is trying to alleviate his guilt really. I agree with the others - do not respond.

 

I guess at least he tried to explain what was happening - that's one thing - but it's also obvious he is still hiding things from his wife or he would have told her he was writing you. For your own good and protection do not respond at all.

  • Like 2
MorbidFever Established Member

MorbidFever

Posted
Posted

I received a few of these good-byes and I would respond that it was ok and wished him well. He would always write back saying he can't let me go, isn't in love with his wife, doesn't want her, feels guilty for the devastation he caused for her, etc. The last time he did it, but with a 'please stay in touch', I wrote him and told him it was over for good. He wrote back, sent me something and then NC for going on 3 months now.

 

I would ignore it. Please ignore it, otherwise if you write back and he doesn't respond, you will feel worse.

 

So sorry for your pain. It does get better even though we were all in a place at one time where we never would believe it would. Sending hugs.

  • Like 3
Goodbye Established Member

Goodbye

Posted
Posted

Bleck. He should have just left you alone. I think this is just his way of relieving his own guilt so he can move on in his marriage and shows little interest in your feelings. He's an idiot. I hope seeing that helps you move on.

  • Like 1
imperfectangel Established Member

imperfectangel

Posted
Posted

sorry but this guy sounds awful

 

I'd be furious if I recieved such a patronising letter. who the hell is he to tell you that you are decent?! and how big of him to take responsibility?!

 

you're better off without him ignore him I would never give this condescending prick the satisfaction of a reply

  • Like 1
lilmisscantbewrong Established Member

lilmisscantbewrong

Posted
Posted

Xxxxx this is Xxx, I'm using Xxxx's account because she blocked you on my account, so I'm going to delete this as soon as I finish writing it. One of the reasons I'm writing this is to say Good-Bye to you, sorry it has taken so long. The past weeks have been very difficult for me, the cost of the choices I made is much greater than I ever expected. I know I devastated Xxxx and quite possibly hurt you. I've done a lot of thinking and I realize now we should have thought about the consequences before we did what we did. The things we thought were almost funny only demonstrate to me now how callous I was. I know as time went on my feelings for you grew stronger and lessened on Xxxx and made me consider Xxxx's feelings less. Though I enjoyed the time we spent together, I realize now with my personality, insecurity and temper things wouldn't have worked out with us. I'm confident that you will have no trouble finding someone and I hope you can find happiness. I'm committed to salvaging my relationship and I know it will be hard to earn back her trust, but I do believe she will forgive me or at least move past it. I think in spite of what we did and how we did it, you are a decent person, friend, and mother. Please know I have no ill feelings towards you and I accept responsibility for all of this. But I wanted to write you sooner because I know I should at least have let you know my intentions. Watching Xxxx suffer has made me feel ashamed, embarrassed, cruel, and even undeserving of how much she does love me. I know you're an intelligent, strong, capable, attractive woman and you deserve more than I was capable of being for you. I hope you find everything you are looking for as you deserve to be happy too. I wish you the best. Xxxx

 

The more I thought about it -this guy is an ass. "Quite possibly hurt you"???? Really? And would his wife really like that second statement about his feelings growing stronger and enjoying the time you spent together? She would NOT be okay with him sending this.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. He is hoping for a response saying "I forgive you" to assuage his guilt. Let him stew and deal with his own situation. He needs to leave you alone.

  • Like 1
flutterbykiss Established Member

flutterbykiss

Posted
Posted
I wonder if this is his way is fishing to see if you will respond or are still interested? It seems to be constructed in a way to pique your interest, but if his wife finds it he can point to the parts of the letter where he acknowledges the A was wrong, devastated his wife, etc.

 

I think you're right, Whisper Quiet. Admittedly, I'm not up to date on all the background information (18 months self imposed exile from LS) but it seems to me that his letter has the whole dynamic of an affair sewn up in one selfish little nutshell - Trying to regain the OPs attention and approval without offering anything in return AND covering his bases with the wife while betraying the boundaries they have set.

 

Congratulations on staying strong, UrNotAlone.

  • Like 1
Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

Posted
Posted

and quite possibly hurt you

 

Really........:sick:

  • Like 2
C00kie Established Member

C00kie

Posted
Posted

"and quite possibly hurt you"

 

wow.

 

He sounds like an idiot in denial so that he doesn't have to feel even worse about himself. He also sounds like he's talking a bit out of fear - now he's all over he's wife because he feels guilty and possibly almost lost her. He'll go back to his old self eventually.

 

Sorry, I don't mean to be harsh, it just didn't sound to me like a sensitive letter - it was all about him, not about you.

 

I hope you are able to stick with NC for your own good. Stay busy, stay focused, you're better off without him!!

 

All the best! :)

  • Like 1
blue963 Established Member

blue963

Posted
Posted

Amazing! Repeating what everyone else has said, but it was no big deal for you was the tone I got. So sad that he is that self-absorbed and selfish. Heal quickly, he truly doesnt deserve anything you have to offer.

  • Like 1
veryhappy Established Member

veryhappy

Posted
Posted (edited)

This also brought me back to the end of my A. Very similar down to specific expressions. "No I'll"...I still don't get that one.

 

He's looking for hearing he didn't hurt you, or if he did that you forgive him. See he's all reformed now and you should too because deep down you can be decent.

 

Also all that talk about his wife...i bet you could have done without. For some reason their brain doesn't work normally. Yeah, dude I got the point and let you be happy with who you want...why bother over explaining how you want her?

 

I'll tell you what I did at the very good advice of my therapist. If you want a last message, send it. Make sure you write all you had to say and truly make it your last. I'd copy the wife so he can do more of the remorse dance. What a ****!...

 

To make sure it's your last message, sleep on it for a few days at least. I'd also add a clear "don't you or yours contact me or else". Make it clear that you want NC. That way he has his answer next time he feels like getting in touch.

Edited by cutedragon
  • Like 3
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URNotAlone Member

URNotAlone

Posted
  • Author
Posted
This also brought me back to the end of my A. Very similar down to specific expressions. "No I'll"...I still don't get that one.

 

He's looking for hearing he didn't hurt you, or if he did that you forgive him. See he's all reformed now and you should too because deep down you can be decent.

 

Also all that talk about his wife...i bet you could have done without. For some reason their brain doesn't work normally. Yeah, dude I got the point and let you be happy with who you want...why bother over explaining how you want her?

 

I'll tell you what I did at the very good advice of my therapist. If you want a last message, send it. Make sure you write all you had to say and truly make it your last. I'd copy the wife so he can do more of the remorse dance. What a ****!...

 

To make sure it's your last message, sleep on it for a few days at least. I'd also add a clear "don't you or yours contact me or else". Make it clear that you want NC. That way he has his answer next time he feels like getting in touch.

 

That is right I really didn't need to hear it. I know none of it is true. He is solely with her for financial gain. He didn't like to work and she paid all the bills and is willing to live beyond their means to keep him. All fluff to make himself feel better. I do not believe he has any remorse either. He is a player and I was not the first and I won't be the last. Perhaps he was fishing to see how I felt. He is in denial that he hurt me and tried to sound oblivious to it all.

 

I cried last night and part of today. Those thinking about contacting someone after this long should really not bother that person. I thought if I ever did hear from him again it would bring clarity. The only thing I can say is I wish he didn't bother and DAMN IT HURTS!

Coward Member

Coward

Posted
Posted

Do NOT respond. He is DONE with you. Any further contact would send a message that you are some crazy ass bitch stalker and bunny boiler (Fatal Attraction). He is not writing you to have you respond so you can get back together. It is OVER. I'm sorry.

Cinnimon Established Member

Cinnimon

Posted
Posted

Wow.......She's not the only one that might look a little crazy.......just sayin

  • Like 1
  • Author
URNotAlone Member

URNotAlone

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Do NOT respond. He is DONE with you. Any further contact would send a message that you are some crazy ass bitch stalker and bunny boiler (Fatal Attraction). He is not writing you to have you respond so you can get back together. It is OVER. I'm sorry.

 

 

Never said I was going to contact him. He should not have contacted me either. I have completely left him alone. So I don't think I am coming across as a bunny boiler. I didn't expect him to want me back. Why on earth bother after 7 weeks? Really? Like I didn't already get it. :confused:

  • Like 1
  • Author
URNotAlone Member

URNotAlone

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Well I can say that I was upset the day I read it and the day after. Today I felt much better and I think it actually put me forward in the process. Today has been my best day since the A ended. He was right I do deserve much better and I learned a valuable lesson. A painful but valuable one. It is just not worth hurting others and myself by crossing boundaries like that. I know that there might be a set back or two but I do feel like I am on the road to recovery. :)

  • Like 5
Whisper Quiet Member

Whisper Quiet

Posted
Posted

It is good to hear you are doing better. Your strength is showing. Remember this feeling so you can draw on it when you need to.

  • Like 1
AlwaysGrowing Established Member

AlwaysGrowing

Posted
Posted
Well I can say that I was upset the day I read it and the day after. Today I felt much better and I think it actually put me forward in the process. Today has been my best day since the A ended. He was right I do deserve much better and I learned a valuable lesson. A painful but valuable one. It is just not worth hurting others and myself by crossing boundaries like that. I know that there might be a set back or two but I do feel like I am on the road to recovery. :)

 

You will find, the more you have your own back, the easier it is to have your own back. Well done.

  • Like 2
OldRover Established Member

OldRover

Posted
Posted

I guess I take a bit of a different stand on the letter. While it could have been a bit more timely, it put closure to the situation.

 

It take two for an affair. When it ends, there is a point to putting closure to end, end with a reasonably friendly situation. No need for name calling and back stabbing, which wasn't in this case.

 

If I were in the situation, I'd sure like closure... perhaps in person, part friends but with the thought that the affair is totally over. And over time, people heal and go on with their lives, and can remember the good and the bad from the affair and perhaps learn from it. Some may repeat, some may not. And, who knows, perhaps on a different page in the future, the two just may get back together.

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