He's ignoring the pregnancy

[underwater2010]

No need to do all these things. There are laws who will decide whether he has the obligation to support the child financially or not. But the child has to be born first. After that, if it was me, I would knock on his door with the baby and tell him "I came cause I want my child to meet his father and his brothers and sisters. We are family, we should spend time together.". It may be cruel for his kids but it was him the one who chose things have to be that way. I would sell everything I own, I would borrow money from everyone, I would even create a site exposing all this story to make him pay for his disinterest for his own child. (I can be cruel when I see such an unfairness).

And could you stand the look of hurt in your child's eyes when the door is slammed in your face? Why create anymore hurt than necessary?

 

 

There will be enough pain to go around when the court ordered child support shows up. Poop will hit the fan right then and there.

 

 

And there is no reason to hurt innocent children ie his.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I agree with those that have expressed, dwelling on what the MM might/should do... is of no use to the OP.

 

All you have right now...is all you have right now. Yourself. Start there. Stay there. Even later, if MM comes with a new game plan, he has already shown that he is more than capable of changing his mind. Do not expect or count on any type of emotional support or even financial support. Yes, legally he has to...enforcing is a whole other issue. Ask thousands of custodial mothers and fathers about that.

 

You have less than 8 months to figure this out.

[AlwaysGrowing]

No need to do all these things. There are laws who will decide whether he has the obligation to support the child financially or not. But the child has to be born first. After that, if it was me, I would knock on his door with the baby and tell him "I came cause I want my child to meet his father and his brothers and sisters. We are family, we should spend time together.". It may be cruel for his kids but it was him the one who chose things have to be that way. I would sell everything I own, I would borrow money from everyone, I would even create a site exposing all this story to make him pay for his disinterest for his own child. (I can be cruel when I see such an unfairness).

 

 

So, if one is responsible for 3 little ones, putting oneself in financial ruin/debt would hurt who??????

 

 

That is a very immature response, so much so, that I would question their ability to parent.

[underwater2010]

The reason I believe men need to step up and take more responsibility for the protection is because once that sperm leaves his body he loses all say over it until the baby is born. All he can do is pressure and manipulate but it is out of his hands.

 

 

This is spot on. I recently had a conversation with my 11 yr old son about this very topic. See I have a half sister that I have met three times. All because his first wife was flushing her birth control down the toilet. My dad did not want kids at that point, yet he decided not to use condoms.

 

I basically put it this way: Your sperm is your responsibility and until YOU are ready to be a father then you use a condom....married or single. Even if she says she is on birth control.

 

 

QUOTE]

 

 

see bolded.

[Iguanna]

Cute revenge fantasy. What happens when he slams the door in her face? Spitefully tells her it probably isn't his? Calls the police? Is it really in the best interest of the child to make this even more dramatic and unpleasant than it already is?

 

She can (hopefully) compel him to pay. She can't compel him to spend time with her or the child, or to care.

 

I can't imagine handing my sweet little innocent baby over to a man that had insisted on her being aborted and wanted nothing to do with her. As a mother, if my baby's father did not want her to be alive then he would not be welcome IN her life.

 

What if I told you I know a story of a couple, when the woman got pregnant by mistake (the doctor had said that she had some complications and if she ever wanted to get pregnant she would have to take some treatment), the guy insisted on abortion, they split up, he even made his brother go and terrorize her to get an abortion, she told him she will keep it and raise it herself and she wants nothing from him, when she was 5 months pregnant he called her, they talked and he insisted on them getting married and try work things out. Now the kid is 6 years old, they got another one 1 years old and he is the BEST father, he adores his sons, he works hours and hours to provide to them and he wants to have more kids. All stories are different.

 

If he slams the door.. as I said, there are courts that decide on these situations. With a good lawyer you can do miracles today. And the baby will be really young to have memories like this.

 

If he has the financial capability to provide for his kids, he will have to support his kid to be born as well. It's not less of his kid cause it was created by an affair!

[AlwaysGrowing]

The reason I believe men need to step up and take more responsibility for the protection is because once that sperm leaves his body he loses all say over it until the baby is born. All he can do is pressure and manipulate but it is out of his hands.

 

 

This is spot on. I recently had a conversation with my 11 yr old son about this very topic. See I have a half sister that I have met three times. All because his first wife was flushing her birth control down the toilet. My dad did not want kids at that point, yet he decided not to use condoms.

 

I basically put it this way: Your sperm is your responsibility and until YOU are ready to be a father then you use a condom....married or single. Even if she says she is on birth control.

 

 

QUOTE]

 

 

see bolded.

 

And the flip side, that as a woman...we are ultimately the one that goes through the pregnancy and delivery. A woman bears more repercussions. Entrusting birth control to the man seems foolhardy.

[bentleychic]

What if I told you I know a story of a couple, when the woman got pregnant by mistake (the doctor had said that she had some complications and if she ever wanted to get pregnant she would have to take some treatment), the guy insisted on abortion, they split up, he even made his brother go and terrorize her to get an abortion, she told him she will keep it and raise it herself and she wants nothing from him, when she was 5 months pregnant he called her, they talked and he insisted on them getting married and try work things out. Now the kid is 6 years old, they got another one 1 years old and he is the BEST father, he adores his sons, he works hours and hours to provide to them and he wants to have more kids. All stories are different.

 

If he slams the door.. as I said, there are courts that decide on these situations. With a good lawyer you can do miracles today. And the baby will be really young to have memories like this.

 

If he has the financial capability to provide for his kids, he will have to support his kid to be born as well. It's not less of his kid cause it was created by an affair!

Great story. She didn't force him to become a father, though. It sounds like he had a change of heart, possibly matured and came around. Good for them!

[underwater2010]

What if I told you I know a story of a couple, when the woman got pregnant by mistake (the doctor had said that she had some complications and if she ever wanted to get pregnant she would have to take some treatment), the guy insisted on abortion, they split up, he even made his brother go and terrorize her to get an abortion, she told him she will keep it and raise it herself and she wants nothing from him, when she was 5 months pregnant he called her, they talked and he insisted on them getting married and try work things out. Now the kid is 6 years old, they got another one 1 years old and he is the BEST father, he adores his sons, he works hours and hours to provide to them and he wants to have more kids. All stories are different.

 

If he slams the door.. as I said, there are courts that decide on these situations. With a good lawyer you can do miracles today. And the baby will be really young to have memories like this.

 

If he has the financial capability to provide for his kids, he will have to support his kid to be born as well. It's not less of his kid cause it was created by an affair!

NOBODY is saying the kid is any less just because of the affair. NO kid is ever LESS and each deserves to be cherished!!!! Each and every kid/baby deserves to have TWO loving parents, but sadly it does not happen all the time. And a lot of people do not plan properly.

 

 

Most of us are just stating that you cannot FORCE someone to be a parent. Remember that father and mother are verbs, NOT nouns. Any animal can create a baby....it takes actions to raise them.

[thinkingofhim]

What if I told you I know a story of a couple, when the woman got pregnant by mistake (the doctor had said that she had some complications and if she ever wanted to get pregnant she would have to take some treatment), the guy insisted on abortion, they split up, he even made his brother go and terrorize her to get an abortion, she told him she will keep it and raise it herself and she wants nothing from him, when she was 5 months pregnant he called her, they talked and he insisted on them getting married and try work things out. Now the kid is 6 years old, they got another one 1 years old and he is the BEST father, he adores his sons, he works hours and hours to provide to them and he wants to have more kids. All stories are different.

 

If he slams the door.. as I said, there are courts that decide on these situations. With a good lawyer you can do miracles today. And the baby will be really young to have memories like this.

 

If he has the financial capability to provide for his kids, he will have to support his kid to be born as well. It's not less of his kid cause it was created by an affair!

 

I'm glad it worked out for your friend but get real. I challenge you to find a single thread in this forum where the MM was a good father to the OW's baby. Go on, try. The court's not going to force him to give a crap about that baby and its definitely not going to force him to allow her and/or the baby inside his house. You're hung up on what's right and not seeing whats real... he doesn't care and no one can make him.

 

anyways, I suppose I've said my peice here. Good luck OP, I really do wish the best for you!!!

[underwater2010]

 

And the flip side, that as a woman...we are ultimately the one that goes through the pregnancy and delivery. A woman bears more repercussions. Entrusting birth control to the man seems foolhardy.

Absolutely agree!! Same thing I tell my 14 yr old daughter.

[stillafool]

 

 

 

THE ONLY thing I want is a clear answer on what he is going to do- Is he

going to give me a war in the courts? Is he going to just try to run from child

support? Is he going to just say he never had a child? She knows about the baby

and I would actually be glad if they did a paternity test- it would just be a

slap in the face for him.

 

You can't blame me for wanting to know what will happen.

 

It really isn't a matter of what is he going to do but more or what are you going to do. You are the one carrying the baby. It's clear he wants nothing to do with either of you and wants this to go away. You are the child's mother and should proceed as if he isn't around (which he isn't.). You know you have to take care of yourself for your other kids and this baby. When the baby is born file for child support. What happens after that is not your problem. You cannot make this guy want to be a father to your baby but you can make him give you financial support for it. I really see no reason for you to contact him anymore at all.

[bentleychic]

 

And the flip side, that as a woman...we are ultimately the one that goes through the pregnancy and delivery. A woman bears more repercussions. Entrusting birth control to the man seems foolhardy.

EXACTLY! If my guy wants to wear condoms, great (and I have some readily available)! BUT I'm on 99%+ effective (1 out of 100 women per year will fall pregnant on it) birth control and it's not a kind that you can "mess up" or "forgot". It's always there and unless by some chance I'm one of the 1% that it doesn't work for, I'm not going to get pregnant. I will be the one that ultimately has complete responsibility for the child if he flakes so I take it in my hands.

[Fluttershy]

 

And the flip side, that as a woman...we are ultimately the one that goes through the pregnancy and delivery. A woman bears more repercussions. Entrusting birth control to the man seems foolhardy.

 

That wasn't my point. My use of the word "more" was not more than the woman but rather more then men do. A man, especially one involved in an illicit relationship, should not put his faith in the woman's say so of being on the pill or if she says she would get an abortion. I don't think either party should leave the birth control up to the other but each take responsibility for their own. Condoms and the pill fail, yes, but using both greatly decreases chances at being pregnant. I realize the OP thought she might be infertile and that they took that risk. She can own her mistakes but he isn't of the hook. He could have slipped one on too and should have.

[Iguanna]

I'm glad it worked out for your friend but get real. I challenge you to find a single thread in this forum where the MM was a good father to the OW's baby. Go on, try. The court's not going to force him to give a crap about that baby and its definitely not going to force him to allow her and/or the baby inside his house. You're hung up on what's right and not seeing whats real... he doesn't care and no one can make him.

 

anyways, I suppose I've said my peice here. Good luck OP, I really do wish the best for you!!!

 

Yes you are right. Sometimes I find fairness and unfairness to be so obvious that I would expect from a judge to do the right thing. If they don't... well.... I don't believe in justice then anymore.

 

You say he doesn't care... How should his wife look at her husband who does not care for his own kid? What kind of a father does this make him?

[Fluttershy]

Yes you are right. Sometimes I find fairness and unfairness to be so obvious that I would expect from a judge to do the right thing. If they don't... well.... I don't believe in justice then anymore.

 

You say he doesn't care... How should his wife look at her husband who does not care for his own kid? What kind of a father does this make him?

 

He isn't a father, he is the sperm donar. That being said I believe after the baby is born she should file for child support. It is time to pay the piper.

[Iguanna]

He isn't a father, he is the sperm donar. That being said I believe after the baby is born she should file for child support. It is time to pay the piper.

 

I meant, after the child is born (replying to someone who said that he would slam the door on her and the baby's face).

[underwater2010]

Yes you are right. Sometimes I find fairness and unfairness to be so obvious that I would expect from a judge to do the right thing. If they don't... well.... I don't believe in justice then anymore.

 

You say he doesn't care... How should his wife look at her husband who does not care for his own kid? What kind of a father does this make him?

If I where his wife....I would expect no less than him to take care of this new child. But that is me and my husband is a great father.

 

 

That would also mean that the op would have to be prepared for us to file for joint custody.

[Owl]

Yes you are right. Sometimes I find fairness and unfairness to be so obvious that I would expect from a judge to do the right thing. If they don't... well.... I don't believe in justice then anymore.

 

You say he doesn't care... How should his wife look at her husband who does not care for his own kid? What kind of a father does this make him?

 

Here's the thing...that's between him and his wife, and absolutely no one else. What "should" his wife think of him after this is something only determined between him and his wife...frankly, his former affair partner gets no say in how she 'should' view him or not.

 

It may make him a GREAT father for the kids that he claims and lives with, but a lousy, absentee one for the child that he doesn't. One doesn't affect the other, unless he chooses to let it.

 

In the OP's case...she can sue for child support if she chooses to, but beyond that she's not likely to be able to compel him for anything more than that. He may OPT to do more, but she can't make him do more even if she feels he should.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

If my husband had fathered a child with his XOW, I would fully expect for him to accept responsibility for the child financially and even with visitation. It IS the right thing to do and I would expect nothing less from him. A child should never pay for the "sins" of their father/mother, etc. He/she should know and have a relationship with their biological parents if at all possible.

 

Conversely, I would have expected my XMOM to provide financial responsibility and be a parent to the child I lost (that was his). Actually, when we buried the box for the baby together, his wife had actually written a note to put in it- written to the baby. I do believe that had the baby been born, they would have been involved. It would have been difficult, but because of the strong family ties on both sides and religious convictions, that baby would have been loved.

 

That all being said, in this case this man is in denial right now big time and is HOPING you will make a decision to abort and make it all go away. He is a coward.

 

You are going to have to make the best decision you can make for you and your baby. If you are going to have this child, go into it knowing you will most likely be raising this baby yourself. HOWEVER, the right thing to do is file for financial support from the baby's father. If he isn't going to be involved that's one thing, but he SHOULD be at least financially responsible.

[Fluttershy]

I meant, after the child is born (replying to someone who said that he would slam the door on her and the baby's face).

 

I know and what I meant is sperm doesn't make you a father. Being a father makes you one. That is why people can donate sperm

And not consider themselves a father. Or give a child up for adoption.

[MuddyFootprints]

This is why it is so important that you contact a lawyer as soon as possible, Holly. And why you need to make a decision about how much you want him and his family involved in your lives from here forward.

 

It is quite likely there are certain responsibilities he has with respect to the child's prenatal care and birth expenses.

 

Talk to a lawyer.

[MuddyFootprints]

Originally Posted by HollyGolightlly View Post

 

 

THE ONLY thing I want is a clear answer on what he is going to do- Is he

going to give me a war in the courts? Is he going to just try to run from child

support? Is he going to just say he never had a child? She knows about the baby

and I would actually be glad if they did a paternity test- it would just be a

slap in the face for him.

 

Im sorry, but thinking that you can get or are entitled to this information from him at this early stage is a bit ridiculous.

 

How on earth would he even know at 6 weeks along what his intentions are in terms of custody, child support, and involvement? His decisions on this may change over and over thru the course of the pregnancy, and even well after the child is born. Its pretty clear at the moment, his intention is not to be a part of your life. You just cannot expect him to know what he is going to do in terms of the child, nor is he really obligated to inform you anyway, sad as it may be.

 

Right now he's praying to God you miscarry, or change your mind and abort, or that the DNA will show its not his. He's probably holding off on any decision making until the child 1) is actually born; and 2) proven to be his.

 

I think the cheating MM is scum, but I have no sympathy for a grown woman who has unprotected sex for 7 months with a MM, claiming she thought she was infertile. I have empathy and feel for your pain, but you created this situation.

 

Im confused why he is saying this would adversely affect your daughters. Do you not have primary custody of them?

 

 

Chances are he does have responsibility even at this early stage. It is not the entitlement of the mother, but of the child. Paternity can be determined fairly early (not this early, but early enough) in a pregnancy safely and non-invasively.

 

This is a crucial time for him to decide whether he wants to keep his paternal rights.

[MuddyFootprints]

I disagree; the "child" is not considered legally a child until its born. He does not need to decide anything until the child is born and proven to be his. (I understand she and he may have no doubts, but legally he will obviously request DNA proof). Yes DNA can be done in utero, but I am not aware of any court that obligates a father for financial costs associated with an unborn child, or anything that would compel him to consent to an in utero DNA. HIS best interest would be to hold out on doing anything until the birth.

 

Not necessarily. That is why I am advising that Holly seek legal advice. In my personal experience, I was able to declare that he did not meet the legal definition of a "father" strictly based on prenatal neglect.

 

Again, I stress, Holly, seek legal counsel.

[HollyGolightlly]

Thanks everyone for the responses.

 

I know this is my fault- I know that this is happening partially because of me. At the time- pregnancy wasn't a big concern for us. We had talked about it, and we never prevented it, but we never really tried or anticipated it, either.

 

I obviously was naive and thought the pregnancy at first would make him come back around (sigh..of course I did). I am not a crying ball of emotional mess. Even reading that last email I just hardly read it and shook my head and said "idiot.." . It's not like I'm begging for his attention- I don't even bother him. If anything I tell him to give me space.

 

I moved 3 hours away from him for my new job and I'm unable to meet with him in person and in person he is completely different than how he is in Emails. So, because of that, I don't really take to heart what Email he sends being that his wife is probably behind him cracking a whip.

 

I do still love him, and I probably always will..but I am not confrontational at all and I'm pretty quiet and I retreat in the midst of war. I'm NOT the type to show up at his house or do anything crazy- I could never. I have a pretty good support system and a ton of good friends who keep me calm. I'm also just happy naturally anyway so I'm just taking all of this and accepting it for what it is- that I'm pregnant and alone.

 

When I think of the baby- I don't think of him at all. I think of the baby as it's mine and mine alone. I can't say I'm sad...I'm not. I can't even say I'm upset he's gone..I'm not. He is too much of a mess and I just want to enjoy my pregnancy.

 

Thank you guys for talking me through it all and helping me calm down I guess- I just wanted to know what other people who were in similar situations who know the typical mannerisms of married men would have to say about my situation. An opinion I cannot get from my regular friends.

 

Thanks!

[couldhavebeen]

hi holly! I am 8 months pregnant too with MMs baby and like yours he also went back to his family and ask me not to contact him anymore. I got no job but good thing is that my family esp my mom is supportive of my decision to raise my baby alone... What I did for the past few months was just to take care of my health. Forget about ur MM. It's not worth running after them not even for the financial support. You'll only get depressed and that's not good for the baby. Start your life on your own. It's super hard but you can... just think about you n d baby. that's it!