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He's ignoring the pregnancy

HollyGolightlly

By HollyGolightlly
in The Other Man / Woman

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whichwayisup Established Member

whichwayisup

Posted
Posted
After your email on Monday, I wanted to take some time to reflect and to give you some time to reflect as well. I've considered things from many angles (including yours) and I still believe that you're making a short-term decision which will be end up being a bad decision in the future for everyone involved.

 

AKA HIM.

I don't know what plans you have put in place with your family, but keeping the baby necessarily means that you won't be able to spend as much time with and attention to (my daughters names) They may not understand it now, but I worry that they will resent you in the future.

 

Such bullcrap. He's worried that they may resent you in the future for having another baby?? Again, this is about HIM. Not you.

 

 

Also, I feel that you're trying to convince yourself that you're in love with the unborn child based on the fact that you brought up the possibility of giving it up for adoption multiple times. From everything that I know about you, I find it hard to believe that you love the unborn child more than your girls. Having the baby will not be a substitute for them.

 

He's preaching to you.

 

 

I'm not trying to manipulate you or use your girls against you in any way. And, I'm not trying to attack you. I have always clearly stated that I do not want the child for reasons you and I have already discussed. I simply feel that even independent of my personal reasons, you're choosing to satisfy your emotions, feelings and desires over those of ( my daughters)

Oh yes he is, he's just doing it in a 'nice' way. He is trying to manipulate you, talk you out of this so it's easier on HIM.

 

 

Please take some time and consider what I've written before you respond. Again, I'm not trying to attack you. I just fear for the negative impact this will have on everyone.

 

Again, HIM.

 

 

 

What he doesn't understand is that I'm not deciding to become pregnant...what does he not get? He acts like he's stopping me from going to the store to get something I don't have. This can't be taken back

 

I had the appointment for the abortion. I couldn't go actually because of work- but I didn't want to go anyway. I just can't get myself to be okay with the idea..and I REALLY TRIED- I think about my kids, men, vacations, fun, things I can't do with a baby, my body...etc..nothing works.

 

It's hard for me to stomach hearing that I'm being selfish by having it- it's not that I'm GOING To go get IVF...I'm already pregnant! Am I crazy?

I think you should go talk to a therapist to help you make a decision, either way do what is best for you.

 

I'm too tired to reply- him and his abortion Emails have become an annoyance. And yes, obviously those Emails are censored by the Wife.

 

Don't reply tonight, you'll say something you may regret. Do some drafts in a word program, then send it when you're really ready.

  • Like 3
threelaurels Established Member

threelaurels

Posted
Posted

I'm not trying to manipulate you or use your girls against you in any way. And, I'm not trying to attack you. I have always clearly stated that I do not want the child for reasons you and I have already discussed. I simply feel that even independent of my personal reasons, you're choosing to satisfy your emotions, feelings and desires over those of ( my daughters)

 

There is nothing in this letter that isn't intended to manipulate you. Unfortunately, this is exactly what I figured he would try to do when you first posted about the pregnancy. This isn't about him. It's about you, the baby, and what is best for you both. You have already decided to keep the child.

 

Do you have independent proof that his W knows about you and the pregnancy?

  • Like 5
ThatsJustHowIRoll Established Member

ThatsJustHowIRoll

Posted
Posted (edited)
I still can't even understand how it happened to be honest with you. I even pulled out my old medical records when moving and I just was shaking my head. Worst timing ever, too.

 

At the same time I did tell him it was a possibility, He even gave me the plan B pill a few months ago and I took it. He knew that I probably couldn't get pregnant, we had sex often and always unprotected and he never pulled out- for months and months and nothing happened. (only used plan b once but that was just me being afraid)

 

He's also 36 years old...come on.

 

I'm not sure what you are saying here other than you were actually ok with the idea of getting pregnant and are putting the responsibility for contraception squarely on his shoulders. 'Probably' from a doctor wouldn't cut it with me and I would take my fertility into my own hands. If you knew it was a possibility, why didn't you take precautions yourself?

 

As for his letter?yeah, he might be trying to manipulate you, but it's the only play he has because quite clearly, what he wants makes no difference to you. That's cool, your body, your decision, I support that. But I actually agree with most of what he is saying and said as much in your other post. I don't think the letter is unreasonable. He actually was pretty mild, considering he didn't even mention the impact it will have on the unborn child, his children or his family, as clearly they are not your concern. He appealed the impact on your kids, fair argument. Not to mention last post you said it was also really bad timing from a career perspective.

 

Have you considered that he thinks he is also trying to do the right thing by his unborn baby too?

 

You asked what he is thinking. Well, rightly or wrongly, he's probably thinking you tricked and manipulated him. If you want to know what's going through his mind, there is a post in the parenting board from a guy furious because he believes he was tricked into a baby by his fiance. That might be a place to go to try and understand him.

 

But I think you'd be wasting your time worrying about him. He had already ended the relationship before this news and the pregnancy has just deepened his resolve. Move on and do what's best for you and your daughters. Plan as though he will not be a part if it. Because I dont see him wavering in the email you posted.

Edited by ThatsJustHowIRoll
  • Like 2
MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted

He's manipulating you...hence his "I'm not manipulating you" line :sick::rolleyes:

 

Having a baby will make your child "resent you" (WTF?) and he's soooo worried about your child and your relationship with her and not himself that's why he is bringing this up :rolleyes: OH PLEASE!

 

NONE of this is truly about him objectively giving you advice...clearly. You're his OW and you're having his child and he wants to stay married...EVERYTHING he is saying is to make life easier for himself and he's not even doing a good job of feigning otherwise. He IS manipulating you and I would respond that you will be asking him to sign over his parental rights and to leave you the fcuuk alone after he does so.

  • Like 5
threelaurels Established Member

threelaurels

Posted
Posted
You asked what he is thinking. Well, rightly or wrongly, he's probably thinking you tricked and manipulated him. If you want to know what's going through his mind, there is a post in the parenting board from a guy furious because he believes he was tricked into a baby by his fiance. That might be a place to go to try and understand him.

 

I'm not saying he doesn't have the right to feel this way if this sentiment accurately reflects his thought process. However, the idea of an MM feeling like a victim because his OW deceived him has a level of irony that I can't handle.

  • Like 2
thinkingofhim Established Member

thinkingofhim

Posted
Posted

I'm not saying I'm on "his side" but you knew what his opinion was so I don't really know what you expected him to tell you... he is entitled to his opinion just as you are so if you contact him to ask what he wants to do don't be surprised when he says he wants you to get an abortion.

 

IMO, just get a lawyer if you want to try for child support... pretty obvious this guy is not going to be shopping for cribs and painting nurseries with you... you can TRY to force him to pay but theres no way you can compel or convince him to want a baby... chatting with him is a dead end that will only hurt you at a vulnerable time. :( Get a lawyer and try to move forward.

  • Like 4
goodyblue Established Member

goodyblue

Posted
Posted

I am fairly certain that in the states you must have someone in place to adopt the baby, like a step parent etc. In order to have him sign over parental rights. The state would want to ensure someone takes financial responsibility for the child.

 

And I think that he is being a tool. If I received an email like that I would be furious. He absolutely IS using your own circumstances against you and it is crap. He just doesn't want to be responsible for the choices he has made. He needs to be, if only financially responsible.

 

I feel sorry for his wife, who will have to live with the fact that her children may never know, or possibly resent, their half sibling. I think your kids will be fine and will love a brother or sister.

 

Decide what is best for you and go with it.

bentleychic Established Member

bentleychic

Posted
Posted

I'd tell him to sit and spin. He's trying to manipulate and guilt you in to getting rid of the baby and I'm 100% sure it is a totally selfish move on his part.

 

I would have nothing more to do with him, period. No e-mails, no calls, no updates on pregnancy or baby. He would be dead to me. Just my opinion.

  • Like 6
imperfectangel Established Member

imperfectangel

Posted
Posted

or maybe his is just thinking of the future? 10, 15, 21 years is a loooong time

 

personally I don't agree with abortion but maybe he wants to make sure you're keeping the baby for the right reasons - not just to get back at him or to try to keep him in your life etc

 

as for going to court and child support I think you're jumping the gun completely 6 weeks is so early in a pregnancy unfortunately nature may take its course anyway

 

I lost my mm's baby (he doesn't even know I WAS pregnant) and I find that much easier to deal with if he knew I would blame the way he treats me on that rather than him just been a tool (or trying to keep everyone happy who knows?!)

 

good luck to you as your pregnancy goes I'd just send him short msg letting him know when your appointments are at least give him the chance to be there

 

he might not be on board at the moment but this news in massive he could change his mind yet

violet1 Established Member

violet1

Posted
Posted

He's worried about the effect the unborn child is going to have on HIS marriage. I wonder if his wife has threatened divorce if you keep the baby. I doubt he cares about the effect it has on your daughters. He's trying to use reverse psychology to make it sound likes he's not manipulating you. If I were you I wouldn't respond to his email. Keep yourself healthy.

  • Like 2
hurtnomorerika Established Member

hurtnomorerika

Posted
Posted

From my own experience, I will tell you like this. LEAVE HIM ALONE! DO NOT CONTACT HIM ANYMORE, IN NO SHAPE, FORM, OR FASHION! HE DOES NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR THIS BABY!

 

Let it go! If you are keeping this baby, plan ahead for the future without him. Have the baby, give your baby and (your girls) all the love and affection you can give them. YOUR BABIES WILL LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU HAVE DONE BECAUSE TO THEM YOU'RE MOMMY AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS!

 

DO NOT allow him to try to manipulate you anymore if he's not talking about what he's plans to do to take care of his responsibility end the conversation right there. As another poster said he should be dead to you now.

 

It took me a while to accept my MM's behavior of 2yrs toward my pregnancy and baby. Guess what? Me and baby are fine. My 10 yr old loves hers her baby sister so much.

 

Yeah, you may have thought you couldnt get pregnant but hell, he's a GROWN 36 YR OLD MAN MARRIED MAN, who for one shouldnt have been cheating and should have been wearing CONDOM I dont care what infertility issues you told him you were having. He should have PROTECTED HIMSELF at all times regardless. That doesnt let him off the hook.

 

As I said before LEAVE HIM ALONE! He may come around, he may not. Look at it as if he were dead, and prepare to have this baby by yourself, with fam/friends. The world will not end, honey.

 

I will say as time progresses, and MM chooses to not have anything to do with you. IT WILL GET HARD TO DEAL WITH AND YOUR STRENGTHS WILL BE TESTED! Prepare for that, pray, and ask God to get you through it and you will be okay.

 

PM, if you want to talk. I've been where you are.

  • Like 2
threelaurels Established Member

threelaurels

Posted
Posted
He's worried about the effect the unborn child is going to have on HIS marriage. I wonder if his wife has threatened divorce if you keep the baby. I doubt he cares about the effect it has on your daughters. He's trying to use reverse psychology to make it sound likes he's not manipulating you. If I were you I wouldn't respond to his email. Keep yourself healthy.

 

This x100. Except it's probably not even about his marriage. It's about the effect it will have on his life. If he cared about the best interests of his marriage or his family before, he wouldn't be in this situation.

  • Like 5
Iguanna Established Member

Iguanna

Posted
Posted
From my own experience, I will tell you like this. LEAVE HIM ALONE! DO NOT CONTACT HIM ANYMORE, IN NO SHAPE, FORM, OR FASHION! HE DOES NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR THIS BABY!

 

Let it go! If you are keeping this baby, plan ahead for the future without him. Have the baby, give your baby and (your girls) all the love and affection you can give them. YOUR BABIES WILL LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT YOU HAVE DONE BECAUSE TO THEM YOU'RE MOMMY AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS!

 

DO NOT allow him to try to manipulate you anymore if he's not talking about what he's plans to do to take care of his responsibility end the conversation right there. As another poster said he should be dead to you now.

 

It took me a while to accept my MM's behavior of 2yrs toward my pregnancy and baby. Guess what? Me and baby are fine. My 10 yr old loves hers her baby sister so much.

 

Yeah, you may have thought you couldnt get pregnant but hell, he's a GROWN 36 YR OLD MAN MARRIED MAN, who for one shouldnt have been cheating and should have been wearing CONDOM I dont care what infertility issues you told him you were having. He should have PROTECTED HIMSELF at all times regardless. That doesnt let him off the hook.

 

As I said before LEAVE HIM ALONE! He may come around, he may not. Look at it as if he were dead, and prepare to have this baby by yourself, with fam/friends. The world will not end, honey.

 

I will say as time progresses, and MM chooses to not have anything to do with you. IT WILL GET HARD TO DEAL WITH AND YOUR STRENGTHS WILL BE TESTED! Prepare for that, pray, and ask God to get you through it and you will be okay.

 

PM, if you want to talk. I've been where you are.

 

Though I don't totally disagree, I find it really unfair that he gets away with it so easily, he continues his pathetic life and OP will have to go through the pregnancy and birth and raising the kid alone, having nothing to answer to the kid when he/she asks "why don't I have a daddy?". It's unfair and, even though I can see where you are coming from, I don't accept it. He has to pay in a way, emotional or financial, but most of all he has to be a father figure to the kid to be born either he wants it or not. I'm so angry at the moment! I hate it when married guys just f$ck around and then go to their wife and be the crybabies "I'm sorry honey, my D got in her vag, I couldn't stop it, I swear I didn't mean it to happen!". I hate it. Disgusting.

  • Like 1
hurtnomorerika Established Member

hurtnomorerika

Posted
Posted
Though I don't totally disagree, I find it really unfair that he gets away with it so easily, he continues his pathetic life and OP will have to go through the pregnancy and birth and raising the kid alone, having nothing to answer to the kid when he/she asks "why don't I have a daddy?". It's unfair and, even though I can see where you are coming from, I don't accept it. He has to pay in a way, emotional or financial, but most of all he has to be a father figure to the kid to be born either he wants it or not. I'm so angry at the moment! I hate it when married guys just f$ck around and then go to their wife and be the crybabies "I'm sorry honey, my D got in her vag, I couldn't stop it, I swear I didn't mean it to happen!". I hate it. Disgusting.

 

Hun, Im sorry. He's not getting away with anything. I forgot to tell OP to make sure when the baby is born FILE FOR CHILDSUPPORT immediately dont wait. I filed when my daughter was 3 days old. I was able to do the application online. She's almost four months and we should be going to court next month.

 

Trust me, it makes me sick to my stomach that MM plays around and everything is grand until OW gets pregnant then everyone wants to play the blame game and MM gets let off the hook. Nope, OP, Im not saying let him off the hook. Im just saying leave him alone for now because you have alot to deal with, you dont need any of his BS. If he wants to cling to his wife to sweep his lies under the rug let him. He can run but he cant hide.

  • Like 1
awkward Established Member

awkward

Posted
Posted

If you are going to have this baby, right now would be a good time and step up to be the best mother that you can be. That includes taking care of both your physical and emotional health.

 

You can't force him to be a daddy to your child. He isn't going to be. He probably never will be. You are going to have to be both mommy and daddy for this little one. It isn't fair but at least you know how it is going to be and are still choosing to have the little one. It would have been great to know it before you got pregnant. It would have been better if you both used protection. Hindsight and all that.

 

This guy is gone. Let him be. You will be doing this alone. When you have your baby, file a paternity suit and seek child support. My advice is no contact. No contact. No contact. Not even contact when you are in labor. He doesn't care!

  • Like 2
waterwoman Established Member

waterwoman

Posted
Posted

Of course he's ignoring it. It gets in the way of what he wants his life to look like. It's inconvenient. Sadly, for him, the pregnancy is a reality and the baby will be soon. It's one of those things that result from unprotected sex and if that was such a dreadful outcome for him then he should have taken precautions whatever the state of your fertility. Idiot!

 

:mad:

underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

Posted
Posted

I say file for child support asap and don't worry about anything but bringing a healthy baby into the world.

 

 

As far as him being active in your babies world once he/she arrives is a moot point. Everything that lead up to the conception of this baby was done wrong. You had unprotected sex multiple times with a married man and even went as far as to take plan B, even though you were "infertile".

 

 

And yes he has every right to point out the affect this baby with have on your children and his.

  • Like 3
Owl Established Member

Owl

Posted
Posted

OK...rather than waiting to see what he's going (or not going) to do, why aren't you just making plans on what YOU are going to do, and what you are going to expect (or not expect) from him???

 

I stilll don't see that spelled out clearly in this thread.

 

Do you plan on naming him as the father on the birth certificate? Do you plan on child support from him? Do you intend to have him as an active part in your child's life?

 

What are YOUR expectations and plans for this baby and his role in it's life?

  • Like 1
bentleychic Established Member

bentleychic

Posted
Posted
Though I don't totally disagree, I find it really unfair that he gets away with it so easily, he continues his pathetic life and OP will have to go through the pregnancy and birth and raising the kid alone, having nothing to answer to the kid when he/she asks "why don't I have a daddy?". It's unfair and, even though I can see where you are coming from, I don't accept it. He has to pay in a way, emotional or financial, but most of all he has to be a father figure to the kid to be born either he wants it or not. I'm so angry at the moment! I hate it when married guys just f$ck around and then go to their wife and be the crybabies "I'm sorry honey, my D got in her vag, I couldn't stop it, I swear I didn't mean it to happen!". I hate it. Disgusting.

 

 

That's the thing, though. He doesn't HAVE to be a father figure. She can stomp up and down, roll around on the floor, cry and scream until she's blue in the face, but NOTHING can make him be a father if he doesn't want to be. Sad, but true. It IS unfair, but it's how it is. Hell, even if she files for child support, depending on the state, he may not even be forced to provide that for many years, if ever.

  • Like 4
thinkingofhim Established Member

thinkingofhim

Posted
Posted

Bentley is 100% correct... it may be unfair but she can't force him to be a father. She can't force him to see the baby, play catch with him/her, take the kid to Disney world. She can't force him to care even the slightest bit. She can (and should) TRY to force him to pay, but there's no guarantee she will ever see a cent out of him for the baby's care.

 

If shes going to do this she's almost certainly going to do it on her own and she needs to be prepared for that and stop hoping he will "come around"... hes made his stance clear. Time for her to decide on HER plan of action because he is not going to be involved.

  • Like 1
Iguanna Established Member

Iguanna

Posted
Posted
That's the thing, though. He doesn't HAVE to be a father figure. She can stomp up and down, roll around on the floor, cry and scream until she's blue in the face, but NOTHING can make him be a father if he doesn't want to be. Sad, but true. It IS unfair, but it's how it is. Hell, even if she files for child support, depending on the state, he may not even be forced to provide that for many years, if ever.

 

No need to do all these things. There are laws who will decide whether he has the obligation to support the child financially or not. But the child has to be born first. After that, if it was me, I would knock on his door with the baby and tell him "I came cause I want my child to meet his father and his brothers and sisters. We are family, we should spend time together.". It may be cruel for his kids but it was him the one who chose things have to be that way. I would sell everything I own, I would borrow money from everyone, I would even create a site exposing all this story to make him pay for his disinterest for his own child. (I can be cruel when I see such an unfairness).

bentleychic Established Member

bentleychic

Posted
Posted
No need to do all these things. There are laws who will decide whether he has the obligation to support the child financially or not. But the child has to be born first. After that, if it was me, I would knock on his door with the baby and tell him "I came cause I want my child to meet his father and his brothers and sisters. We are family, we should spend time together.". It may be cruel for his kids but it was him the one who chose things have to be that way. I would sell everything I own, I would borrow money from everyone, I would even create a site exposing all this story to make him pay for his disinterest for his own child. (I can be cruel when I see such an unfairness).

It would not only be cruel to his children, but the baby as well. Those are not memories that I would want to create for my child. Yes, state can enforce financial obligation to some extent, but no matter what you do, you absolutely cannot make someone do something that they do not want. It just won't work. (I've tried! LOL Not a situation like that, though.) Most likely, you'd end up with a restraining order slapped on you.

  • Like 5
Fluttershy Established Member

Fluttershy

Posted
Posted

The reason I believe men need to step up and take more responsibility for the protection is because once that sperm leaves his body he loses all say over it until the baby is born. All he can do is pressure and manipulate but it is out of his hands.

His manipulation is clear. And using your daughters is low. If you feel that it is a baby inside of you and not just a part of your body. If you cannot view the fetus as anything but an individual human being... Don't try. That is who you are and no one should look down on you for it and call you selfish. This goes both ways. If you felt that the fetus had not begun human life yet and chose to abort... That would also be your descision and no one elses.

  • Like 1
unicorn farts Established Member

unicorn farts

Posted
Posted

Cute revenge fantasy. What happens when he slams the door in her face? Spitefully tells her it probably isn't his? Calls the police? Is it really in the best interest of the child to make this even more dramatic and unpleasant than it already is?

 

She can (hopefully) compel him to pay. She can't compel him to spend time with her or the child, or to care.

 

I can't imagine handing my sweet little innocent baby over to a man that had insisted on her being aborted and wanted nothing to do with her. As a mother, if my baby's father did not want her to be alive then he would not be welcome IN her life.

  • Like 4
underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

Posted
Posted
He has to pay in a way, emotional or financial, but most of all he has to be a father figure to the kid to be born either he wants it or not.

 

 

He can only be made to be financially responsible even in a small amount. No one can FORCE him to be a father figure. If a father figure is what is wanted then you need to plan a child with an available person, not just have a "oopsie" and expect every thing to work out. FYI...I took a chance and was pregnant before I got married. I consider myself lucky that he didn't run the other direction.

 

 

I'm so angry at the moment! I hate it when married guys just f$ck around and then go to their wife and be the crybabies "I'm sorry honey, my D got in her vag, I couldn't stop it, I swear I didn't mean it to happen!". I hate it. Disgusting.

 

 

And I find myself angry at both of them. He should have used condoms and she should have been on some form of birth control. You see in most cases it takes TWO people to conceive a child. Therefore she is just as much in the wrong as he is.

 

But to stay on topic....ask for child support or consider other options, just don't count on him stepping up a being a father to your child.

 

 

 

 

see bolded.

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