I am such a naive idiot!

[AnyaNova]

So.

 

Riding quite high being over my ex, finally.

 

Really started crushing on this guy in a class of mine. We'd talked a little (I don't remember him mentioning his wife at all), exchanged glances sort of thing, sought my eyes after cracking some jokes in one of our classes, nothing earth shattering or anything.

 

Apparently got my hopes up much higher than I thought they were (because I was pretty sure I had them pretty well in check and would be okay with whatever outcome, if maybe a little disappointed).

 

I facebooked my crush. He is married.

 

I'm pretty sure in a day or two (I mean, come on, it was only a crush) I will be alright.

 

But it really kind of sucks right now.

 

And it is so stupid. I mean, I have a date with another man lined up this weekend. Which, I am sure, by then, I will be fine for it and be able to give my whole self to it...

 

but right now the world just seems really dark and cold.

[Mario79]

Could have been worst. At least he didnt hide the fact that he is married...in facebook, probably the wife would have his head if he hid that.

 

Take it easy. As you said, youll be fine.

[AnyaNova]

Could have been worst. At least he didnt hide the fact that he is married...in facebook, probably the wife would have his head if he hid that.

 

Take it easy. As you said, youll be fine.

 

He didn't go out of his way to tell me, though, either. Not while cracking those jokes and seeking my gaze, not while talking with me that one time, not while looking at me. Not while...I mean I suppose he doesn't necessarily owe me anything or have to tell me anything, but I would think if you were being honest and engaged in some however light and shy flirting, you would probably make sure the other person knew for sure that you were.

 

I keep expecting people to be open and upfront and getting kicked in the face when they're not. You'd think I'd learn.

[Mario79]

Those expectations may lead to more disappointments. But there is nothing wrong with expecting it either. Guys like attention from girls, specially beautiful ones. Next time you seeing and seeks out your gaze, send him a cold one.

[GeneralJennyJenn]

Mario said it right, its flattering to get attention from pretty people in general. No guy wants to stop in the middle of adoring eyes and inform that person they're taken when they're getting an ego boost. Doesn't he wear a wedding ring? I too forget to check but try to look in the future. If he doesn't that does make me suspicious.

[AnyaNova]

Mario said it right, its flattering to get attention from pretty people in general. No guy wants to stop in the middle of adoring eyes and inform that person they're taken when they're getting an ego boost. Doesn't he wear a wedding ring? I too forget to check but try to look in the future. If he doesn't that does make me suspicious.

 

I don't remember even thinking to check, but I don't remember ever noticing one either. I don't plan on getting close enough to him ever again to see if he has one.

[Mario79]

I see that sort of thing happen at work a lot, guys I know that are married with kids and love seeing how much they can get away with being all touchy feely and in their mind is all good as long as the Mrs don't find out.

[im_thedude]

There is a girl from my work that flirts from me whenever we work together.

 

She's not my type physically, emotionally, or in any other way. We would make a terrible couple. And her flirting is definitely not an indication of her wanting anything with me... it's just friendliness. It makes my work a pleasant place to be.

 

I guess the point I'm trying to make is, take the moments that make you happy for what they are. You already know this yourself, but sometimes it's nice just getting some attention without worrying about making any movies or anything like that.

[Never Again]

There is nothing naive or idiotic about not knowing something, and then being shocked, hurt and dismayed when that knowledge rears it's ugly head and ruins a pleasant thing.

 

I won't defend this guy at all, but you've got no reason to feel ashamed or foolish.

[Simon Phoenix]

Check the left ring finger every time. It's habit for me now but I definitely have had situations when I was younger where I was vibing with a woman (complete with physical flirting) got her number, then called or texted for her to tell me that she was engaged.

 

But yeah, always check the ring finger. If it's occupied, then back away.

[AnyaNova]

Those expectations may lead to more disappointments. But there is nothing wrong with expecting it either. Guys like attention from girls, specially beautiful ones. Next time you seeing and seeks out your gaze, send him a cold one.

 

Are you kidding?

 

He doesn't get the benefit of seeing how much he bothered me.

 

The only thing he will be getting is a cold shoulder. No reaction. No looks. No nothing.

 

Maybe it is an overreaction. Maybe I am just too something or other...

 

But he is dead to me. He can go on looking all he wants. He is getting nothing from me of any kind.

[AnyaNova]

There is a girl from my work that flirts from me whenever we work together.

 

She's not my type physically, emotionally, or in any other way. We would make a terrible couple. And her flirting is definitely not an indication of her wanting anything with me... it's just friendliness. It makes my work a pleasant place to be.

 

I guess the point I'm trying to make is, take the moments that make you happy for what they are. You already know this yourself, but sometimes it's nice just getting some attention without worrying about making any movies or anything like that.

 

I think there is a difference between friendly flirting, and some of the longer soulful looks he would give me. And I highly doubt that your friendly flirt where both of you are clear on what it is and what it isn't would ever give you such a transfixingly sad look.

 

Part of me wants to say to myself that he was maybe just being friendly, that I just misinterpreted. that I didn't know.

 

but that look to me, confirms everything. On the one hand, I do respect his choice. Because clearly he has made one in favor of his wife, that doesn't include me.

 

However, I don't respect how long he let it go on. I don't know. Maybe I did just misunderstand. Maybe I am nuts. But then I think of that sad look and I don't think I am.

 

And for me, if he'd been single and just wanting to play the Mahmilapinatipai game (or however you spell it, I can't ever right) that would have been fine and okay with me. I would have been a little disappointed, but, for me. It is this whole being married thing that is messing with my head. I feel a little bit used and deceived.

[Simon Phoenix]

I think there is a difference between friendly flirting, and some of the longer soulful looks he would give me. And I highly doubt that your friendly flirt where both of you are clear on what it is and what it isn't would ever give you such a transfixingly sad look.

 

Part of me wants to say to myself that he was maybe just being friendly, that I just misinterpreted. that I didn't know.

 

but that look to me, confirms everything. On the one hand, I do respect his choice. Because clearly he has made one in favor of his wife, that doesn't include me.

 

However, I don't respect how long he let it go on. I don't know. Maybe I did just misunderstand. Maybe I am nuts. But then I think of that sad look and I don't think I am.

 

And for me, if he'd been single and just wanting to play the Mahmilapinatipai game (or however you spell it, I can't ever right) that would have been fine and okay with me. I would have been a little disappointed, but, for me. It is this whole being married thing that is messing with my head. I feel a little bit used and deceived.

 

Long, soulful looks? I think you might be overanalyzing this a bit. And like I said, I'm sure he's got a ring on his finger. There really doesn't need to be anything said there.

[AnyaNova]

Check the left ring finger every time. It's habit for me now but I definitely have had situations when I was younger where I was vibing with a woman (complete with physical flirting) got her number, then called or texted for her to tell me that she was engaged.

 

But yeah, always check the ring finger. If it's occupied, then back away.

 

I know. I wish I would have checked. I really, really wish I would have checked. I will be checking from now on, though. :-)

[Canadiangirl78]

Anya; I didn't read through everyone else's posts so forgive me if this has been said already or it's way off base. I see this crush as a good thing! I understand that it didn't turn into anything more because he's married BUT at least you know these feelings can happen again for you, and selfishly it makes me hopeful that they are possible for me too! The good feelings that you feel when you like someone and are attracted to them are back in you, and I see that as a good thing! This guy was just a little nudge telling you that it is possible and it will happen again!

[AnyaNova]

Long, soulful looks? I think you might be overanalyzing this a bit. And like I said, I'm sure he's got a ring on his finger. There really doesn't need to be anything said there.

 

You didn't see the look he gave me (I mean, he turned around completely from his trajectory from the door--or at least--half completely I can't remember, but I know his upper body was pointing towards me, not the door) and paused there for longer than you might think and gave me that sad look.

 

Perhaps I am overanalyzing.

 

Perhaps I am not.

 

What I will say, is that because of some health issues that are finally resolved, I have lost a lot of weight, and find myself at my age much more attractive than I have ever been. And I can say that I am modestly, decently pretty.

 

So, I haven't grown up pretty, and dealing with all the possibilities and variables that pretty people do.

 

So it is likely that perhaps he thought I knew he had a ring on his finger, or thought I knew that it couldn't go anywhere. I don't know.

 

Because I am so new to this being attractive enough to make random dudes in random public places approach me and ask for my number sort of thing.

 

In a way, I have to overanalyze these things. I have literally, no sets of schema for these things. I have no heuristics, no stereotypes none of our usual brain related shortcuts for making decisions related to this particular subject. Because I didn't spend my life this way, pretty.

 

I only got here now. And its not at all what I dreamed it would be before I was.

[cavalier99]

Umm seems to me like you getting a little worked up over nothing. Even if he is married just enjoy the fact that you could flirt and not be all wrapped up in the ex. That is a good thing. But no reason to get all bitter about it imo..just realx and be happy. No big deal. Cav

[AnyaNova]

Umm seems to me like you getting a little worked up over nothing. Even if he is married just enjoy the fact that you could flirt and not be all wrapped up in the ex. That is a good thing. But no reason to get all bitter about it imo..just realx and be happy. No big deal. Cav

 

Look!

 

Above and beyond any disappointment I may feel about hopes that I didn't think were nearly as raised as they turned out to be...

 

I ended up sending out signals (granted, in my own, terribly and horribly shy way) and doing my best to flirt with a married man. This is so against every single ethic and principle that I have ever held.

 

That very fact, makes me feel dirty and nasty.

 

I do NOT go for other women's men. I don't!

 

Okay. because no matter how inadvertently, I ended up violating my own principles and doing so in an arena that I am very inexperienced and not confident in.

 

I'm sorry. It is just, telling me to relax and be happy when I'm clearly not? once I am worked up. Once I am feeling bad, just telling me to, "be happy" is not going to help me actually be so in any way, shape, or form.

[Keenly]

Are we saying married men aren't allowed to give "looks" ?

 

I'm a little confused.

 

 

Are you mad that he "led you on" for back of a better term, or are you more just mad at the world for the disappointment of it all.

[Under The Radar]

First of all, congratulations on the weight loss! That's something to be proud of - especially with all of this holiday food around us. Continue to take pride in your new appearance and enjoy feeling healthier.

 

Second, despite being disappointed, don't let this situation (the married man from class) cloud your thoughts. You really are giving him and this incident too much "Mental Real Estate". You are still healing from a past relationship and admit you are rather shy. The combination of these things can quickly lead to a thought process that's jaded and negatively self-fulfilling.

 

I think it's great you have a date planned for this upcoming weekend. Whether you hit it off with the guy this weekend, or meet somebody else in the near future that sparks your interest, know things will get better. I have no doubt that a worthy future companion is waiting in the wings to make your life better.

[AnyaNova]

Are we saying married men aren't allowed to give "looks" ?

 

I'm a little confused.

 

 

Are you mad that he "led you on" for back of a better term, or are you more just mad at the world for the disappointment of it all.

 

My thoughts run as this.

 

1) He was the only one in this situation with the knowledge that he was married.

 

2) Because he was the sole possessor of that knowledge, he has the responsibility to keep things from going too far in any direction.

 

3) Clearly, on some level, given that sad look, they did go too far. Being very shy myself, I know that I did not give enough away to reveal (and indeed, did not know myself) that I would in any way react this strongly to anything "not working out," and so I highly doubt that the sad look was, "oh my, I have to tell her I'm married and hurt her." etc.

 

4) I feel, in a way, deceived. I know. He kept it really light and I don't know.

 

5) I also have a very strong ethic against flirting with or sending any sort of signals of any kind (like longer looks/glances etc) at anyone who is taken. I feel like I was deceived into violating my own ethic/principle. I do not like this fact at all.

 

6) And again, life just seems very cold and dark right now.

 

7) UnderTheRadar is probably right. Way too much mental real estate.

[AnyaNova]

First of all, congratulations on the weight loss! That's something to be proud of - especially with all of this holiday food around us. Continue to take pride in your new appearance and enjoy feeling healthier.

 

Second, despite being disappointed, don't let this situation (the married man from class) cloud your thoughts. You really are giving him and this incident too much "Mental Real Estate". You are still healing from a past relationship and admit you are rather shy. The combination of these things can quickly lead to a thought process that's jaded and negatively self-fulfilling.

 

I think it's great you have a date planned for this upcoming weekend. Whether you hit it off with the guy this weekend, or meet somebody else in the near future that sparks your interest, know things will get better. I have no doubt that a worthy future companion is waiting in the wings to make your life better.

 

Even with the Holiday food, I didn't gain any weight back, not a single ounce! I am certainly proud of that. I certainly am happy in my appearance now, and with the addition of beautiful and wonderful B vitamin shots I am much healthier (look, ma, I have lips! They aren't whitish. They are very red! On their own, without lipstick! who knew?).

 

What, are you a mind reader? Not that I've said anything at all tonight on this post jaded, negative, or possibly self-fulfilling. My read of that sad look he gave me (and I know it is just my self-biased interpretation), is that he sensed too, the power of what we could have had (this is not to diminish anything in his relationship with his wife. Clearly that is sacrosanct in his mind as it should be) and was at least a little sad that it could never be. But again. Me. I am certainly biased in this instance. I think, (because I know I am an introvert and I'm pretty sure he is one too) that part of the possibly sensed power could be from the fact that we are both introverts (if I am right about that, but I think I am).

 

Oh well. Enough over-thinking it. I will go to bed tonight. Allow myself a bad case of "the feels" tonight. And make myself put it behind me tomorrow.

 

Hey, at least one thing this guy taught me. I definitely, next go around, want a guy with muscular arms to wrap around me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*+

[Simon Phoenix]

You didn't see the look he gave me (I mean, he turned around completely from his trajectory from the door--or at least--half completely I can't remember, but I know his upper body was pointing towards me, not the door) and paused there for longer than you might think and gave me that sad look.

 

Perhaps I am overanalyzing.

 

Perhaps I am not.

 

What I will say, is that because of some health issues that are finally resolved, I have lost a lot of weight, and find myself at my age much more attractive than I have ever been. And I can say that I am modestly, decently pretty.

 

So, I haven't grown up pretty, and dealing with all the possibilities and variables that pretty people do.

 

So it is likely that perhaps he thought I knew he had a ring on his finger, or thought I knew that it couldn't go anywhere. I don't know.

 

Because I am so new to this being attractive enough to make random dudes in random public places approach me and ask for my number sort of thing.

 

In a way, I have to overanalyze these things. I have literally, no sets of schema for these things. I have no heuristics, no stereotypes none of our usual brain related shortcuts for making decisions related to this particular subject. Because I didn't spend my life this way, pretty.

 

I only got here now. And its not at all what I dreamed it would be before I was.

 

Yeah, you are working yourself into a lather for no real reason. I don't even know how to give a soulful look and don't even know what that is. I'm guessing he wasn't doing that at all. He thought you were cute, maybe looked over in your direction, who knows. Either way, you are taking this way too seriously and might be getting a little carried away here. Either way, he's married, nothing happened, no big whoop, move forward. You have devoted way too much thought to this.

 

It's not like you hooked up with the guy. It's not like you guys did anything borderline inappropriate. A "look" doesn't mean a single thing. Sometimes you have to turn that brain off. It's taking you to places that you don't need to go.

Edited December 6, 2013 by Simon Phoenix

[Mario79]

Are you kidding?

 

He doesn't get the benefit of seeing how much he bothered me.

 

The only thing he will be getting is a cold shoulder. No reaction. No looks. No nothing.

 

Maybe it is an overreaction. Maybe I am just too something or other...

 

But he is dead to me. He can go on looking all he wants. He is getting nothing from me of any kind.

 

I dont think its an over reaction. Over reaction would be like telling, why didnt you tell me you were married ahole??

 

More than likely he will be coming back for more though. Several types of guys out there. The really charming ones are the ones that always approach, I lost my ex to one of these, and he is married. Thinking of it makes my blood boil.

[AShogunNamedMarcus]

Use this to adjust your model of how you think people should react to things.

 

If someone is not so competent in handling these situations, and they don't behave the way you imagine someone should act, you have to be forgiving. Flirting is a gray area for many people. Not everyone has clearly defined rules as to what is considered "too far".

 

It's one of those situations where both people have to feel it out. Seriously, if you flirted with me without knowing if I was married, I would need more information before I started drawing lines in the sand. I want to be sure that you aren't just being nice. Having insecurity issues, I might even worry about how an admission of being married would sound to someone whose intentions may be harmless or even innocent. Would they laugh at me because I read too much into their flirty style?

 

Like if a woman tells me I'm cute, my response would not be "My wife thinks so too!". If she wanted my number, wanted to go out for coffee, made inappropriate physical contact, contacted me on FB, or we discuss our personal lives, then I'd know absolutely that something needs to be said.

 

People make mistakes, people get confused, and people usually see more when looking back. Some people see flirting as "greasing the wheels", helping them accomplish goals while making interaction fun. He may not have known exactly how to judge you. If he's shy like you say, he may have trouble being forthcoming with personal details. He may not have seen a necessity.