stephy567 Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 (edited) Ok, so after posting on the dating board here, I've figured out that this friends and lovers boards may be a better fit for my situation. Sorry for this long post! My background: have been divorced 1 year and just now barely beginning to be interested in anything to do with men. Have not had any kind of romantic/physical contact anything during the 1 year period. I'm not looking for a serious relationship, just someone to casually see and hang out with and yes, have sex with. I have one child, a 3 year old. My focus in life is my child and that's why I wouldn't want to have a boyfriend or anything. Situation: I met a guy about a month ago and we have been texting every day. Some flirting, some just getting to know each other stuff. Other than the day we met, I've only seen him twice. He is a law enforcement officer and apparently working a lot of over time shifts (voluntarily) during the busy holiday season to make extra money. I like his personality and our physical chemistry is crazy. The second time we saw each other we had sex and it was amazing. We've already both said we aren't looking for a serious relationship. I haven't seen him since we had sex (that was a couple of days ago), but that's not unusual because of all the hours he works (60-70 in a week). I do realize that I may never hear from him again since some guys just bail after getting sex. We are still texting though. So, here's my problem: I am obsessed with this guy. Not in the I'm planning our wedding and naming our kids way, but in the I really just want to see him all the time way. Maybe it's the newness and excitement, but I think about him all day long. It's a problem because I can't see him very much and because my goal in all of this was to have something that doesn't distract me and this is totally distracting me (not my original goal). Other information: I was with my ex husband almost 8 years and so it's been a long time since I've um....been physical with another guy. I am 32 and this guy is 25. I haven't completely ruled out this guy might be lying to me and although I do think he works a lot of overtime, maybe he has a girlfriend thus contributing to his lack of ability to see me. I plan on bluntly asking him face to face to clarify next time I see him to see the reaction on his face, if I see him. I don't want a relationship, but I don't want to be the other woman in someone else's relationship. I figure it's his responsibility to not cheat if he has a gf and from the way he acts it definitely doesn't seem like he does, but I want to ask directly so it's clear. So my question is: do other people experience this kind of obsession in the beginning of a fwb situation? How do you deal with it? I have never had a casual fwb situation. I imagine it's just from the intense physical attraction we have and the newness of it. Also, how often do you hook up with your fwb? It seems like maybe we could only see each other a couple times a month and after each time I see him, I'm eager to see him again. Maybe I need a fwb that has more time for me so I can get this out of my system? FYI my ideal situation would be someone I could see approximately weekly and doesn't have a crazy unpredictable schedule and for the fwb to last a couple months at least. Edited December 5, 2013 by stephy567
CarrieT Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 So my question is: do other people experience this kind of obsession in the beginning of a fwb situation? How do you deal with it? To me, it signifies that you aren't the kind of person that is capable of having a FWB situation… You are fresh out of a divorce and you are obsessed with a guy you are having sex with = that is not healthy. How you deal with it is to go back to regular dating and don't try to have sex outside of a monogamous, loving relationship. You don't seem to be the kind of person that can handle it as you have immediately developed feelings that you can't understand or handle. Those of us that have had FWB have done so without any emotional involvement whatsoever. 1
Author stephy567 Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 (edited) Thanks for your input. I don't want to date as I don't think I have the time or energy to devote to someone as a girlfriend. I'm even unhappy with the time and energy this situation is taking (which is all on me I know) because of how excited I am about it; I presume the excitement will fade with time though. Anyway, I guess I'm not ready for either dating or fwb, I guess I just wanted some kind of relationship in my life but I'm not sure what. Edited December 6, 2013 by stephy567
CarrieT Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 To me, it signifies that you aren't the kind of person that is capable of having a FWB situation… I mean to say that you are the kind of person that is INcapable of having a FWB situation… But I see you got my point. The mere fact that you want something, but you don't know what it is very much where I was several years ago. And I went through a huge bounty of FWB situations; some where I got obsessed and others that were abject failures. Only a few actually worked and - ultimately - those left me wanting as well because it did not fulfill the basic need of companionship. I realized I could give myself an orgasm and it was more about having someone there "the morning after" rather than The Night Of. 1
Author stephy567 Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 After being alone for the year after the divorce, and basically not having sex the last 3 years of my marriage, I find being physically intimate with someone else to be very thrilling. I guess my mind is just in the gutter all the time and that's why I think about him alot. That's why I wonder if a fwb with more availability (more than once or twice a month) might work for me. I don't want to have one night stands, so I thought fwb would be the way to go. Anyway, I think I'll step back and give it some thought.
howcouldInotknow Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 I agree with the person who said maybe you aren't wired to have friends with benefits situations. I am not and when I was dating I was always very honest about it. Some people don't like strings I realized that I do. So I suggest before it gets really messy step back take a break and if necessary walk away
Author stephy567 Posted December 7, 2013 Author Posted December 7, 2013 I guess what I don't get is: It sounds like being in a fwb means you don't think about that person other than when you are with them and you're not excited to see them again for the next....um...encounter? If the sex is good and your chemistry is good, I would think you would think about it even when you're not actually spending time with them. Obviously, not as much as I am thinking about it, but it sounds like for a successful fwb, you don't think about them at all and just have sex with them?
whichwayisup Posted December 7, 2013 Posted December 7, 2013 That cop, sorry to tell ya, probably has others on the side as well so please do yourself a favour and don't get attached or stay obsessed with him. I have friends who are cops, great guys, as friends! Unfortunately I set up 2 friends and their experiences (similar, two different guys) were more or less the same. Not saying ALL cops are players, but many of them are, especially if they are single and not lookin for anything serious. Trust me, how easily you two had sex on the 2nd time seeing one another, imagine how many others are there too. Enjoy it for what it is but do NOT let yourself fall for this guy.
Author stephy567 Posted December 7, 2013 Author Posted December 7, 2013 That cop, sorry to tell ya, probably has others on the side as well so please do yourself a favour and don't get attached or stay obsessed with him. I have friends who are cops, great guys, as friends! Unfortunately I set up 2 friends and their experiences (similar, two different guys) were more or less the same. Not saying ALL cops are players, but many of them are, especially if they are single and not lookin for anything serious. Trust me, how easily you two had sex on the 2nd time seeing one another, imagine how many others are there too. Enjoy it for what it is but do NOT let yourself fall for this guy. Yeah, I've heard that a lot about cops so this is in the back of my mind too. That even if he doesn't have a girlfriend that he's cheating on with me, that he has several other girls he is hooking up with casually. Although, I don't understand how a fwb can ask a person there are in the fwb situation with to not see other people, because at that point, doesn't it become something more? Like I would feel silly saying I'm not looking for a serious relationship, but we can't see other people. That being said, in order for everyone to protect themselves health wise, it does seem like an exclusive fwb situation would be the best thing.
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