The calm after the storm

[browneyedgirl2013]

Earlier this year I had an affair with a coworker. I'm a young attorney and he is a partner (about 10 years my senior). We are both married, he has small children. We had developed a flirtatious relationship over the course of a year, but did not become physical and emotionally involved until April. He made the first move, but I did not stop him. We spiraled into a whirlwind relationship, that only lasted for a couple of months. I never had any intention of leaving my marriage, but he was considering leaving his wife. Looking back now I realize that my attraction to the affair was less about the sex, and more about falling for someone who I looked up to and respected and who wanted me. I loved reading his emails, sneaking moments alone, and feeling like I had some power over him. It is always intoxicating to be desired. My marriage had become rocky from inattention, and rather than work on making it better, I turned to someone else. I now know this was wrong.

 

The affair ended when people at our office became suspicious, and ultimately he did not want to risk losing his children. Incredibly painful, not so much because I wanted to be with him, but because of the feelings of rejection and abandonment that washed over me. Ironically enough, after we ended the affair, we exchanged a couple of emails, which his wife saw and she contacted me and asked me to leave my job. It was only then that I told my husband. I wasn't sure if she was going to blackmail me or call him or if my AP would turn on me, and I needed my husband. Perhaps it was selfish to tell him. It certainly put us through hell. But it was a catalyst for us to look at our marriage and set it back on course. He forgave me. We worked through difficult therapy sessions.

 

Over time, the feelings for my AP have begun to fade. I still have not left my job. My husband supports me knowing that where I am is the best place for my career right now, although I have begun looking for other opportunities. We don't speak about the affair or the AP. We have avoided work functions and thankfully have not run into each other around town or at events within the legal community (my husband is a lawyer also).

 

I still care deeply about my AP. I've tried being angry with him, but I've moved past the anger. I've forgiven him, and I've forgiven myself. I try everyday to do what is best for my marriage and build back the trust that I broke. But when I see AP there is still a part of me that longs for those feelings again. A piece of me that he will always have. A reminder of what I don't have. But I've learned how to breathe through those thoughts, acknowledge them, and let them go. We still work together on a daily basis. Some days are better than others. There are some days that are so normal that it is almost unbelievable to think about the way he and I once were.

 

We are complicated beings. It is unreasonable to believe that we can turn off feelings like a lightswitch. But we can choose our thoughts. And I try to choose the right ones. And when I have a thought for AP, I will miss him for a moment, then send him light and love and hope for his future and his family's future. Then I try and carry on. I'd like to think that he does the same.

[Under The Radar]

How can your husband feel comfortable with you working around the man you had an affair with? Your feelings for the OMM are still there, although suppressed at the moment. You don't think that in the future the affair could continue? I'm NOT judging you, just curious as to your thought process and rationalizations.

[Sub]

Perhaps it was selfish to tell him. It certainly put us through hell. But it was a catalyst for us to look at our marriage and set it back on course. He forgave me.

 

Do you think it was selfish because you only did it out of fear the OM's W would tell him first?

 

Also, be careful when it comes to forgiveness. He may WANT to forgive and say the right things, but it's going to take time, IMO, to regain trust. Did you disclose everything?

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.

 

IMO, as long as you've identified the ripples in the otherwise calm surface, ones I see by the following statements:

 

" But when I see AP there is still a part of me that longs for those feelings again"

 

and

 

"A reminder of what I don't have"

 

Which appear to indicate the intimate connection in your M was either never there or you lost it along the way and have failed to recover it as of yet..... and have a plan to move forward on those fronts, I'd predict clear sailing and a re-energized M in your future. Without a concrete plan to address them (and make sure your spouse is on the same page regarding them), what I see is 'unfinished business' which can make for some stormy sailing in the future.

 

May the winds be at your back along your journey.

[Owl]

I'll give you a suggestion...you need to retrain your mind.

 

Here's how.

 

Everytime you see xAP, or think 'fondly' of him...then stop and picture what your H felt when he discoverd the affair. Take a short moment and let yourself feel a flash of guilt/shame for what you've done.

 

Those fond feelings will start to fade a lot quicker when they're not fed, but instead become directly associated with the negative aspects of the situation.

 

This is the reason why human beings feel guilt where other animals do not...so that we learn to modify our behavior and live with each other appropriately.

 

It's the proper "use" for those negative feelings and associations, if you will.

Edited December 5, 2013 by Owl

[browneyedgirl2013]

Thank you for all of your replies.

 

First, I would not say that my husband is "comfortable" with me working with him and continuing to stay here. This has been a huge source of negotiating and listening and talking and communicating. In a perfect world, I would quit my job and immediately find something else. Or, AP would leave. But, (1) I'm at an incredible law firm where I'm getting amazing experience; (2) we are in the midst of paying off our law school student loans and it would put a financial strain on us for me to just leave; (3) I am working with a recruiter to find other opportunities. Taking this step to be okay with leaving the job (which took me a while) was a turning point in my M. I realized that my husband needed to know that I was willing to take responsibility for my actions and do what I can to make them better. So, while he's obviously not comfortable with me being here indefinitely, for now we are managing.

 

Do I think the affair could continue in the future? Difficult and complicated question. Are there days when I wonder what I would do if AP came in my office and initiated things again? Of course. But that hasn't happened. And every day it gets a little easier and those thoughts fade. Amazingly, the more energy I pour into my marriage, the better it gets, and the more the illusion of the affair is revealed. I know that forgiveness takes time. But he's shown me love and grace and mercy and compassion. It's all I can really ask for. As far as disclosing everything, I didn't go into details, but I disclosed the extent of the affair generally the first night. Since then, he's only asked a few questions, and I've always been honest. But, in talking to my therapist, I've also realized it is unnecessary to be so honest as to be hurtful. In the beginning, when I longed for AP, I talked to my therapist and my best friend about it. Now I find myself needing to have those conversations less and less.

 

As for why I felt selfish...yes, part of me felt selfish because I was only telling him because I was afraid he would find out another way or because I wanted an ally. In fact, he actually asked me why I was telling him. In the end, I think disclosure was best for this situation. Even if AP's wife hadn't found out, the two of us were not totally "out" of the affair, and telling made me face it and have a chance at building back my marriage.

 

And yes, I see the ripples in the waves. I'm working on building intimacy. I'm working on communicating my feelings. I'm working on figuring out what made me vulnerable to the affair in the first place.

[Under The Radar]

Browneyedgirl2013,

 

Thanks for posting with such honesty. I am glad to see that you have "outsourced" a recruiter for a possible job match elsewhere. I can see how that would have been an important factor in reconciliation and healing for the marriage.

 

You have stated that both you, and your husband, have worked hard to overcome the affair. My concern is simply that it is entirely possible for the OMM to approach you in the future and reignite what was once started. You even imply that it's not clear what you would do in that situation.

 

I think the temptation will always be there if one or both of your marriages becomes "boring" or tumultuous in the future. It's why people losing weight are always told not to have junkfood/sweets in the house because it's likely it will be eaten at some point. It's also why we don't test recovering alcoholics by sending them into bars. It's always easier to abstain from that temptation when the source is removed.

 

You are definitely in introspective mode at this point during the long recovery process. I do respect and understand OWL'S advice to you. However, I am not sure willpower alone (and a change in thought patterns) would prevent a continuation of the affair, should a strong effort be made by the OMM.

[browneyedgirl2013]

Under.The.Radar,

 

Wonderful advice, and probably accurate. I suppose I've been operating under the assumption that if the OMM was going to try and reignite the affair, he would have done so by now, and his decision not to means that he has moved on and no longer wants to participate.

 

Obviously, this logic is flawed, considering I still have internal struggles even though I haven't overtly tried to begin things again.

[HugeSigh]

Thank you for this honest post. You seem to have really thought about things and are on the right track.

 

Considering his wife's reaction of asking you to leave your job, do you think this was his first affair at the workplace?

 

There are people at my workplace that everyone thinks are having an affair. They've seemed to tone it down in the past few months, unfortunately, the rumor mill still persists.

[whichwayisup]

Always put your husbands feelings and thoughts above your own. Do NOT let yourself reminisce about xMM, really it serves no purpose except to keep some feelings alive. And those feelings have to die.

 

I hope another job offer comes your way and you take it. Sure it'll suck to leave this Firm, but when you choose to have an A with a co worker, and the A ends, as you know firsthand, it isn't easy to still see that person daily. Plus, it really IS unfair and cruel to your husband. He may say all the right things, that he trusts you, knows you won't cheat on him again but every single time you see xMM, you feel something. You look at one another, eye contact, there's a connection and THAT is something your husband for sure thinks about but won't lay it on you to make you feel bad. That stuff is the type of thing that hurts him and will continue to hurt him until you leave that job. Of course circumstances right now are understandable when it comes to money and paying off Loans etc., but really REALLY put the feelers out there to see what else you can find. Your marriage depends on it.

[Artie Lang]

Do I think the affair could continue in the future? Difficult and

complicated question. Are there days when I wonder what I would do if AP

came in my office and initiated things again?

 

this does not sound very reassuring.

 

 

it also sounds like you value your career, more than your marriage...... sorry, but it does.

[JustJoe]

I agree with Mr. Lang. You seem to be , at least, as concerned about your "position" as you are about repairing your marriage. By still working with your AP, you are not showing or are able to show,full remorse for your reprehensible behavior. Indeed, it still seems that you have not fully recommitted to your marriage. Does your husband know that you still have feelings for the OM? Are you completely honest with him? You are an adult professional person. Perhaps you should start behaving as such.

[Owl]

Do I think the affair could continue in the future? Difficult and

complicated question. Are there days when I wonder what I would do if AP

came in my office and initiated things again?

 

Does your husband know this?

 

If he did, I wonder if he'd be ok with you continuing the affair there?

 

Seriously...tell him that you feel this way, and see what he requests/demands as a result.

[BOREDouttaMymind]

it has nothing to do with being complicated beings.

 

 

computers are complicated machines, but theyre only as smart as its user.

 

 

and it has nothing to do with thinking its "unreasonable to believe that we can turn off feelings like a lightswitch", but yes, yes you can.

 

I have a coworker who I think is totally hot, and she hits on me a number of times, but like a lightswitch, I turn off the possibility of anything happening. you didn't turn it off cause you didn't want to.

 

obviously, I too have made bad mistakes in my past. im not judging you, but I am saying that as human, we have the ability to choose.