NitroJones Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 I never had the perfect marriage as a matter of fact I think it may have been doomed from the very beginning . Long story short My husband and I have both been unfaithful in the past we have been together for 16 years married for 8 this is a second marriage for the both of us. Well I recommitted myself to my marriage after attending a marriage seminar for women. No more emotional attachment to other men, My husband has been battling drug addiction most of his adult life but has been clean and sober for 4 years now. It was this past April when I found out about the OW after I had been planning and preparing for his 50th birthday party. A week before the party he had been out until about 2 a.m. in the morning on a week day. I sent him a text message and asked is this what married men do? with in 30 minutes he was home. He said something smart like " what is that text message suppose to mean?" I said just what I typed, he proceeded to the bathroom to take a shower. I picked up his cell phone which I never do. I just really always gave him his privacy. Wow! I was not prepared for what I would find. Several text message from a young woman with very low self esteem that excepted the fact that he not only had a wife, but he also had a affair with her best friends mother. He was spending money on her paying for hotels for to stay in because she didn't have a place. I confronted him about the affair he admitted to it. Then he blamed me for his affair because I was not emotionally available for him. He had been seeing a therapist and his therapist called me and asked if I would come in and join him for a session, I agreed to come in and talk, but I was not prepared for this at all. What I learned was my husband had given up one addiction for another, so, basically he gave up drugs for sex. We were attending sessions on a weekly schedule. I thought we were making progress, until my 15 year old daughter approached me with some news that her best friend had told her. A friend of my daughter's friend told my daughter that my husband had a 2 year old child that looked just like my daughter. I was speechless I thought it could be just a rumor told her don't worry about it. We live in semi small city where everyone knows everyone. My daughter didn't want me to mention to her father that the information came from her. I understood so I just nonchalantly said there is a rumor going around that you have a 2 year daughter. His response was hmmmmm. What! so I said I am not going to push. I texted him the next day and asked what "hmmmm " meant his response was incredible at most I could say, he said is anyone beating your door down for child support! What? is he honestly serious? was my first thought. I said no they wouldn't be beating down my door however that does not mean that you could have father a child. He response back to me was NO! A few week later someone else approached me about the 2 year old child. I just you know what I am going to get to the bottom of this. I contacted the child mother that told my daughter this information. She responded and told me my husband had and affair with her best friend at the time and she became pregnant. He lied to her an said we were separated but we were very much together, she told her friend that he was lying the friend refused to believe it and continued the affair until she found she was pregnant. My coward husband told her not to keep the baby, but she did she had the child and moved back to her home town with her family. I was literally sick to my stomach when I heard the news. The first thing I did was call my husband and demand the truth this coward admitted he could possibly have a child. I took to face book found the woman and contacted her. She told me yes, he is the child father but he has not been in the child life, and the her husband was going to adopt the child. All Lies, something was in the pit of my stomach telling me things were not right. I stayed after work one night and for 2 hours scrolled through 24 months of cell phone records and discovered that he had been remained in contact with her. I have become so obsessed with his infidelity that I have turned into my own investigator. As of two weeks ago I have stopped going to couples counseling because I honestly believe that he has a serious problem and the more I found out the more sick I have become. I believe that he has had multiply affairs. Just recently I found out he befriend his ex fiancé and the have been talking on the phone. I am at my wits end we have 2 beautiful children together and this is our oldest daughters last year in high school, and I don't want to up root my kids until after she graduates. I was really trying to save my marriage but he doesn't know how to be honest. He sent me a text just this morning telling me how much he loved me but see that he called the ex fiancé too. I think if I remain in this toxic relationship I will lose myself. I just don't know what to do. I prepared the divorce papers on Monday. This has been a roller coaster and not to mention the child mother doesn't want to give him a paternity test probably because he has acknowledged the child. I am just so over it!
Owl Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 You don't have to uproot your family. Kick him out, start seperation/divorce proceedings...problem solved. Stay where you're at...let him find a new place to live. No uprooting required. 1
ChooseTruth Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 This kind of thing WILL make you insane! When you can't be sure of anything around you, anyone would feel the way you do. It's absolutely toxic and if you are with someone who lies and betrays constantly it's a situation you need to get out of. BLech. I'm sorry you are going through this awful mess. Be glad you have no responsibility toward this child like some betrayed husbands end up being. Your life will find it's way back to sanity. Go to individual counseling in the meantime. Divorce is it's own hell, but at least it's temporary 1
Author NitroJones Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 (Please excuse the grammatical errors in my post) I really thought we would work. We have conquered so much in the last 4 years. We healing from the loss of a child that committed suicide and shortly after that a loss of his sister. I mean it was devastation after the next we both lost our jobs and our home, but we bounced back. I keep a journal so during the time that this child was conceived I thought all was well. I don't doubt that he loves me I just doubt his loyalty an honesty. He claims he is fully committed and loves me but when I check his face book page he is in boxing women or women are in boxing him no, he is not physically cheating now but to even entertain a these women who often times reach out to him is not good. My husband is very handsome but has very low self esteem. I love him but I refuse to be a door mat. I told him that if I should find out the child is actually his I would not be able to remain in the relationship. If is his child I would never keep a child away from her father, however I could not stay in the relationship knowing that this child was a product of my husbands unfaithfulness to me, but the child's mother refuses to give him a paternity test why because she as involved with more than one man. She was in a relationship when she became pregnant . I told him that I could move into our in law suite but he says no he wants his wife.
BetrayedH Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 A bunch of us have been thru those kind of crazy-making discoveries. If you don't have it in you to kick him out (I would pack a bag for him and let the OW know he's movin in), then don't bother confronting him until it's with divorce papers. Read up on 'the 180.' Restrict your conversations to those about the divorce, finances, or kids. Otherwise, rest assured that you're not crazy. This is on him. Keep your wits about you.
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