Concern over Emails

[concernedbf]

Hi, I have been dating the same woman for a year now. Prior to me she dated someone for 5 years. She met me almost 2 years after breaking up with him. She has told me how he cheated on her, etc. and generally given me a bad impression of him. We have discussed marriage and are currently planning to get married November 2014. Something happened recently that I need advice on.

 

I work from home and so does she, so we routinely work together. This one particular day (2 weeks ago) we were at a Starbucks. She said she was going to the bathroom and asked me to turn on and connect her laptop to their WiFi (something she often does). When I did as requested and opened up her Chrome browser, Chrome did what it always does and reconnected her to sites she was browsing the last session.

 

As I had done in the past, I began closing down tabs she didn't need for this session. As I did so I saw that one of the tabs was open to her AOL webmail and that a SENT email was open. The email was very short, but was from her to an email address I initially did not recognize. It was dated September (this is November when I am seeing it). It simply said "I guess you feel asleep. You mustn't have wanted me to come over. I love you." It had a sig that said "Sent from my iPhone" a feature I KNOW has been turned off on her phone for at least 9 months.

 

Needless to say, I was in shock. I did the wrong thing and clicked over to her inbox and browsed. I found several emails FROM the same address. When I moused over the address I discovered it was her ex-boyfriend! I remained calm and closed the window.

 

When she came out I acted as though nothing had happened. I waited until i felt more calm and then asked her "Honey, who is xxxxxxxx and why are you telling them you love them?" (email name) She looked at me like I was crazy and said "I don't know." I said "you sent the email so how can you not know?" She said "Let's look together at it now."

 

She opened her email and we began looking through her sent folder. We found an email sent from her to him. It was a forward...a parent from his kids's school had sent her a picture of HIS kids on the first day of school and it was forwarded to him. We looked at the email I found. Then we looked through the inbox. We found an email where he forwards her an email that was meant for her, but came to him (The Grocery Game -- a service I know she uses). We also found a recent email from him to her listing a bunch of dentists and asking her if she knew any of them. We checked and there were not responses from her to those emails.

 

Here is my quandry. She has always been very trustworthy. She has given me absolutely no reason to not trust her. However, her explanation for this situation just makes no sense to me. She claims she never saw the emails in her inbox. She says she believes he had closed that email address (another AOL address) when they broke up. She says she did NOT send him any emails. She claims she has had no contact with him during our relationship at all. When asked where this stuff came from she says she thinks her sister (a crazy, very controlling, verbally abusive person) is trying to get her in trouble with her mom (her mom helps her out as she has to get infusion treatments monthly) and cause trouble by making it look like she is back with the old boyfriend (whom the mom could not stand--literally HATED him).

 

She and I discussed it. I told her that if she let me look at the emails again I could tell her (based on the headers) if the sent and received emails all came from the same computer (meaning someone was setting her up) or from different computers (meaning she likely IS in contact with him). She said that would make her feel like I don't trust her and just didn't respond to my request.

 

I have currently made the choice to just trust her, but something about this situation doesn't sit well with me. She checks her email mostly from her iPhone. I went back through all emails she's sent me in the past 5 months and NONE of them have the sig "Sent from my iPhone" lending credibility to her claim that someone else sent those emails. However, I personally get several hundred emails a day (as compared to her 20 or so) and I see every email that comes my way, so how did she miss these (she claims to have never seen them)? Why was the picture forwarded to him?

 

What do you guys think? What should I do next? At this point I trust HER but feel like she is at least responsible for the forwarded picture. Thoughts?

[Owl]

You should tell her that if she wants to resolve this issue...she'll let you look at that email account again.

 

If she's lying to you, she'll tell you that she closed it and no longer has access to it. (most free emails can be recovered easily anyway)

 

If she's being honest, then she's got nothing to lose by letting you see it, but everything to gain by resolving the issue completely.

 

It's that simple. Don't accept no for an answer. In fact, don't ask. Tell her point blank that you want to look at those emails so that you can see for yourself that you were mistaken, and it'll make both of you feel better to have this in the past. Don't let her tell you no. Be polite, but firm.

 

Fire up her laptop, and get it setup to login so that all she has to do is enter the acct and password. If she flat out refuses to do so...she's hiding something, and there's your answer.

[beach]

Have her take a polygraph.

 

If she's innocent she won't have ANY problem.

 

 

Blaming someone else isn't right - the window was OPEN on HER computer! She knows she did it - I think she's lying.

[harrybrown]

Do not marry this woman!

 

She is cheating on you before the wedding. She has feelings for her ex and this in not good.

 

Have her show you her computer and let you see her history.

 

Divorce is expensive. You are not married to her. You do not have children with her.

 

Do the 180 and detach from her.

[Sub]

Based on her willingness to let you open her computer, then go through the emails with her on the spot, and the "sent from my iPhone" thing, I'd be willing to trust her as well. However, if there is some sort of hacking going on, this should be an issue she would WANT to resolve. If she's not comfortable with you looking into her accounts, at the very least she should be willing to have you be involved in figuring out what's happening. Ask her for that much, and see how she responds.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

She still exchanges emails with her ex.

 

Doesn't look like an active affair.

 

Looks like she is embarrassed that she lied to you about having no contact with him. If she did not outright lie about it, she may have felt embarrassed that she omitted telling you it. After all, she has described him as somewhat of an evil monster, she hasn't been with him (supposedly) in three years, and here she is casually exchanging emails with him over trivial stuff.

 

My suspicion would be that it wasn't a clean break three years ago, that they maintained some type of friends with benefits thing going, even through the early stages of your relationship with her nine months to a year ago.

 

It doesn't look like she is going to admit it.

 

If a story doesn't make sense, it's usually a lie. Her story doesn't make sense. Are you OK with things going on from here and just dropping the whole thing?

 

Why would that old sent from phone message be an open window on her browser NOW? Do you think she was reminiscing?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

The sister-mother story seems like nonsense. Like the sister would set her up with trivial emails about what dentist to go to? If the sister was going to set her up, it would be a steamy email, not did you ever hear of any of these dentists.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Do not marry this woman!

 

She is cheating on you before the wedding. She has feelings for her ex and this in not good.

 

Have her show you her computer and let you see her history.

 

Divorce is expensive. You are not married to her. You do not have children with her.

 

Do the 180 and detach from her.

 

I don't know about the cheating part, but I would believe the feelings for her ex part. It would be enough to give me serious doubts.

[concernedbf]

Based on her willingness to let you open her computer, then go through the emails with her on the spot, and the "sent from my iPhone" thing, I'd be willing to trust her as well. However, if there is some sort of hacking going on, this should be an issue she would WANT to resolve. If she's not comfortable with you looking into her accounts, at the very least she should be willing to have you be involved in figuring out what's happening. Ask her for that much, and see how she responds.

This is where I am at with this as well. I know the signature "Sent from my iPhone" was turned off months ago because she asked me to help her do it. I then checked emails I know for sure she sent me from her phone (she is in the hospital once a month during the day for 5 straight days and only has her phone to email me) and no such signature exists on any of those emails. Someone said "when the story doesn't make sense, it's usually a lie" and I agree, but the confusion for me lies in the fact that: (a) she was sincerely clueless when I confronted her. I know her expressions and she did not have a clue what I was talking about. (b) When I told her I had actually SEEN the email IN her account that's when she said "Then we need to look at this together. Not something a guilty person would do. © She never asks me to call or text before I come over. I am free to drop in anytime I wish. She really doesn't have much free time outside of the time she spends with me to be cheating (so I don't think it is that). (a), (b), and © tell me she's not the one doing this. However, the logical part of me says (d) She should have seen the emails in her inbox. Especially over such trivial things. (e) The picture forward--I truly believe SHE sent that and is embarrassed because she didn't mention it to me. I can't see why anyone else would do that for him.

 

So, my heart and part of my brain says "trust her" but the other part of my brain (and some of you) are saying "don't trust her" so that's where my conflict is. I am doing my best to just let it drop, but I am a logical person and the unresolved inconsistencies really bug me.

 

What I am afraid of is that she IS telling the truth and if I question her again she will get really upset and insulted. Anyone have a good idea for a way I can approach her that isn't too confrontational? A way that says "I trust you, but these unresolved inconsistencies are driving me nuts"?

[Stillscared]

Consider having her read this blog and the responses from others. You obviously are concerned enough to post here. Listen to your conscience. If she's not guilty, she should have no problem answering your questions.

[Raena]

Something about her response makes me think that she didn't have any idea those emails were sent. Not sure her story makes sense either, but it's just a gut feeling. People who are cheating and lying don't generally open up, show you everything, sit there and look at it with you and act perplexed about how it got there. Not unless they are very good actors/liars that is.

[concernedbf]

Something about her response makes me think that she didn't have any idea those emails were sent. Not sure her story makes sense either, but it's just a gut feeling. People who are cheating and lying don't generally open up, show you everything, sit there and look at it with you and act perplexed about how it got there. Not unless they are very good actors/liars that is.

I've caught someone in my past cheating on me. It was similar in that she called me and asked me to look for something in her Yahoo email account. When what she was looking for wasn't in the inbox I checked the trash folder (it was loaded) and found an incriminating email. This woman's reaction was indignant. "Why did you go into my trash folder? I didn't ask you to do that!" She followed that up with "If you don't trust me then why are you with me?" Finally she admitted to the cheating because I had caught her red handed.

 

This situation is different. She is not an overly emotional person and it clearly bothered her that these emails were there and she didn't know about them. As I said, I can tell by her expression that she was truly perplexed. As you say, if she had something to hide, why did she open up the email (it was her suggestion to do so) and sit there and let me go through it all? I think the reason she won't allow it again is because she feels she's done it already so why should she need to do it again?

 

Yes, I was concerned enough to post here just because the inconsistencies make no sense. However, as helpful as the replies are, it also shows me that people are split on what they think is going on. I guess trust and verify is the course going forward.

[dichotomy]

On the one hand, I might suggest a deeper check of her laptop, with or without her knowledge. Marriage is serious stuff and there is now one red flag.

 

But on the other hand, and I say this as someone who's wife hid MANY connections to ex's..... I think without accusing her (don't use the word "you") it might be a good idea to let her know what your boundaries are for being with someone you love.

 

In other words you could play it safe "Hey I am glad to see you not in contact with your ex's behind my back - I would consider that cheating, and could not stay in a relationship with someone like that, it would really be unloving to me and I could not accept it at all. Honesty, openness, and faithfulness is so important to me"......

 

This way if she if is in contact - it may jolt her what this means to you and her future with you. Also you can easily leave later if she continues - cause you set the boundary - if you do this - I will walk away.

 

If she is not in contact - you are demonstrating how much importance you put on this - and she will be glad to have such a man.

[Raena]

I've caught someone in my past cheating on me. It was similar in that she called me and asked me to look for something in her Yahoo email account. When what she was looking for wasn't in the inbox I checked the trash folder (it was loaded) and found an incriminating email. This woman's reaction was indignant. "Why did you go into my trash folder? I didn't ask you to do that!" She followed that up with "If you don't trust me then why are you with me?" Finally she admitted to the cheating because I had caught her red handed.

 

This situation is different. She is not an overly emotional person and it clearly bothered her that these emails were there and she didn't know about them. As I said, I can tell by her expression that she was truly perplexed. As you say, if she had something to hide, why did she open up the email (it was her suggestion to do so) and sit there and let me go through it all? I think the reason she won't allow it again is because she feels she's done it already so why should she need to do it again?

 

Yes, I was concerned enough to post here just because the inconsistencies make no sense. However, as helpful as the replies are, it also shows me that people are split on what they think is going on. I guess trust and verify is the course going forward.

 

If she were also cheated on in the past she should be able to understand your need to look again... and again... and again. It may irritate her that you are not trusting her, but at the same time, she should understand your need to get to the bottom of this.

 

Has she done anything to try and figure it out? That was a huge red flag for me in my situation. Once I was contacted by his OW, not knowing at the time that she was in fact an OW... he did nothing about it and I found that suspicious. Someone starts messing with my emails, sending stuff that I didn't send and I'm going to question it myself and do what I can to figure out how it was done.

[beach]

If she thought her sister did it - did she get right on her phone and call her/ask her?

 

Did she immediately change every password and make sure you know all passwords?

 

Is she willing to take a polygraph?

[BetrayedH]

"Somebody must've hacked into my email and sent those messages!"

 

Gee, no cheater ever said that before.

 

My advice...don't let this go until you get to the bottom of it.

 

If she suggests that you don't trust her, I'd agree that you don't. You saw "I love you" messages sent to her exboyfriend from her mailbox. My line would be that we're getting to the bottom of this or one of us is leaving. And I'd make it clear that if she's lying, she has no chance of forgiveness unless she comes clean now.

[jtb23]

She is playing you for a fool, if I was you I'd give it a few weeks and moniter her (you gotta stay strong but it will be worth it) then you will find out if she is really the one you want. These types of women are trouble they will lie and cheat all day long if you aren't careful. Just saying.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

When I did as requested and opened up her Chrome browser, Chrome did what it always does and reconnected her to sites she was browsing the last session.

As I had done in the past, I began closing down tabs she didn't need for this session. As I did so I saw that one of the tabs was open to her AOL webmail and that a SENT email was open. The email was very short, but was from her to an email address I initially did not recognize. It was dated September (this is November when I am seeing it). It simply said "I guess you feel asleep. You mustn't have wanted me to come over. I love you." It had a sig that said "Sent from my iPhone" a feature I KNOW has been turned off on her phone for at least 9 months.

 

She can try to explain how the email was sent (not her.. whatever), but how does she explain that the email was OPEN on her last session?

 

It is very possible and likely that she has a second iphone to use to communicate with ex-boyfriend. Or a second AOL email account.

 

There is a lot of smoke here. I'd keep looking.

[tiredofitall2]

This is where I am at with this as well. I know the signature "Sent from my iPhone" was turned off months ago because she asked me to help her do it. I then checked emails I know for sure she sent me from her phone (she is in the hospital once a month during the day for 5 straight days and only has her phone to email me) and no such signature exists on any of those emails. Someone said "when the story doesn't make sense, it's usually a lie" and I agree, but the confusion for me lies in the fact that: (a) she was sincerely clueless when I confronted her. I know her expressions and she did not have a clue what I was talking about. (b) When I told her I had actually SEEN the email IN her account that's when she said "Then we need to look at this together. Not something a guilty person would do. © She never asks me to call or text before I come over. I am free to drop in anytime I wish. She really doesn't have much free time outside of the time she spends with me to be cheating (so I don't think it is that). (a), (b), and © tell me she's not the one doing this. However, the logical part of me says (d) She should have seen the emails in her inbox. Especially over such trivial things. (e) The picture forward--I truly believe SHE sent that and is embarrassed because she didn't mention it to me. I can't see why anyone else would do that for him.

 

So, my heart and part of my brain says "trust her" but the other part of my brain (and some of you) are saying "don't trust her" so that's where my conflict is. I am doing my best to just let it drop, but I am a logical person and the unresolved inconsistencies really bug me.

 

What I am afraid of is that she IS telling the truth and if I question her again she will get really upset and insulted. Anyone have a good idea for a way I can approach her that isn't too confrontational? A way that says "I trust you, but these unresolved inconsistencies are driving me nuts"?

 

Get a voice activated recorder in her car. Listen to any conversations. If she is cheating, she will talk o the OM at some point. Then you can dump her since you are not married or have any children.