He sorted himself out, now I'm doubtful

[Eliza]

At the beginning of this year I met my current boyfriend. He is actually from my home town and I met him in the city I was living in. After seven months of a long distance relationship, we decided that, because it was all going well that we would take it to the next level. I gave up my job, my flat, my friends and the city life to move to a very rural area to live with my man.

 

Looking back, the lifestyle change really suited me, and I moved too quickly for my reasons rather than dating a bit longer. I was back to a simple life and near family and friends. I was getting out of a job that was burning me out.

 

Initially, moving in together was very tough. He's never lived with a woman before and this was a big step for him. I had lived with a man (divorcee) before, so was aware of some of the issues that might come up. My now man was fully prepared for me to 'be the lady of the house' and couldn't wait for me to take on that role, which I wanted. We made the move in view of marriage and children etc which is what we both want. We are both in our 30s.

 

I made a concerted effort to make the transition as easy as possible on him (even though I was dealing with a major lifestyle change and his life was fundamentally the same) but we naturally came across the basic living issues that every couple experiences when starting out.

 

But after a couple of weeks the sex stopped (not that it was regular anyway and set off some alarm bells for me), intimacy stopped, and pretty much all respect, consideration and caring for me stopped. For four months I put up with his rude and arrogant behaviour as I was convinced it was him struggling with the change. It was so draining getting up every morning and putting on a happy face and encouraging him, supporting him and loving him, when I was getting absolutely nothing back. If I dropped the facade and snapped even once, he grabbed the chance to tell ME to clean up my attitude!

 

Even allowing for this behaviour, I did regularly ask him to communicate with me why he was 'so sad or mad at me' , or I firmly asked him not to be rude etc, but he just blamed me for this and that. Even his friends was telling me some of the silly excuses he was giving them for why he didn't think things were working out. They said he was setting it up for failure. It was plain to all but him that he was struggling with everything and the easiest thing to do was make life so miserable for me, that I'd leave.

 

Eventually my friends and family started getting concerned for my welfare as they knew how much I was being hurt and rejected, they made sure I knew his behaviour wasn't acceptable, but they admired my determination to stick it out as long as I could as I had invested so much in this relationship. All the while he was blocking me out, I still loved him very much and had faith that our original strength would get us through.

 

Just before Christmas it all came to a head and I confronted him saying that I had run out of energy and was anything going to change. He said he doubted it. He had won. So I moved into another room and starting the packing process (and trying to decide on a new life!). As hard as it was, I was looking forward to getting out of this negative environment.

 

This move gave him a fright and he told me he needed to 'go away and sort himself out.' I stayed on waiting for his return and when he did, he said he'd started working on his insecurity issues, fear of rejection etc etc. He asked for a second chance. I said yes, but he had taken away a lot of my self esteem and confidence and I had been a pretty big mess the whole time so I needed him to give me some strength this time around.

 

The problem is: now I have what I hoped for (a second chance), I honestly don't know if I can try again. I have never been through such an exhausting process before and I am scared of being hurt and rejected. He has been great so far and I feel bad as he is really making an effort, but I don't feel confident he will TRULY be there for me for a bit of extra support to get things back on track. I guess I don't trust him with my feelings and I have a lot of doubt in my mind.

 

On top of this, I have always been the kind of girl who never looks side ways at another man when we're together, but found myself to still be extremely attracted to a childhood friend whom I see once every couple of years and always have amazing fireworks when we see each other. We always joked that once he stopped travelling we would get married. I saw him yesterday and he had heard what was going on and was less than impressed and gave me the whole 'you deserve better speech'. I couldn't help but imagine my life with him...probably not a good sign, but it got me thinking.

 

I am fully prepared to go either way, a good solid second chance or move on, I just want to make the right decision. If anyone has a few words of wisdom to help me on my way. It's a tough one to make. Even as I look at him today I love him very much and am very attracted to him. I want to give him that second chance, but I think the hurt just went a little to deep to get rid of. Or maybe I've just plain had enough. Am I giving up too early, or do you think I should give it a bit more time for the dust to settle, my friend to leave town so he's not distracting me....or just starting packing and start fresh?

[_Saffy_]

you said he went away to "sort himself out".......how did he do this? what did he do to sort himself out?

 

and while he was gone, what did YOU do to mend the hurt that he has caused?

 

 

but he had taken away a lot of my self esteem and confidence

 

seems to me that you need to work on this, by yourself before thinking about getting back into a full relationship with this guy

 

this is a lot of emotional turmoil to happen within the space of one year, so if hes serious about you, and about you being together, im sure he wont mind giving you both six months to build your relationship up into something stronger than it is/was, and to give you both chance to build on your individual selves.

[Gottabestrong]

Dear Eliza,

 

if his 'going away and sorting himself out' happened around Christmas, I think it was not enough time for him to really make up his mind on what he wants.

 

I can relate very well to your problem. My guy and I dated LD for 7 months and then we moved in together. He had never lived with another woman and felt overwhelmed by so much closeness.

 

He treated me very coldly and distant and no matter how often I called him on it, he would not change. After about 2 months I could not take it anymore and told him that I was moving out.

 

Suddenly he felt all scared and realised he was making a mistake and asked for a second chance.

 

Sounds familiar?

 

Well, I gave him another chance but things did not really change for another 2 months or so, but actually got even worse if that is possible. After 2 months of 'trying' in which I did not feel like he was trying at all, he actually broke up with me.

 

Yup, he finally told me that he did not think we would work out long time and therefore we should go our seperate ways. He was moving somewhere else and he told me that he wanted to move there by himself.

 

As I did not have a place to go to yet, I stayed with him for a little longer. When I realised that it was over for good and he did not want to try anymore, I felt miserable and cried a lot. I also told him how much I loved him and did not want him to give up on us.

 

For some reason he then changed his mind and decided to try again. Maybe he just wanted me to beg for him.

 

After that things went well for over a year, but in Oct 2004 he broke up with me again. In the months before he broke it off he got distant again and said we did not have a future.

 

After he broke up with me and moved out he changed his mind and wanted another chance. I agreed and guess what, 15 days later he told me again that he needed to be alone and broke up for good.

 

So, after this long story, what is my advice to you?

 

Do not give him another chance straight away. Take some time away from each other and see if he is serious about changing and working on your relationship.

 

Dont go through all this pain I had to go through.

 

All the best and good luck.

[Eliza]

Thanks for your comments. He went away for a couple of weeks to stay with his mother. Before he left he commented that a lot of the hurt came from her leaving him at 15 and he wanted to go away and talk to her and sort some issues out with her so he could work out why he always pushes women away.

 

I know he can't get past 25 years of hurt in a week, but it seems like a good start. While he was away I guess I was in 'limbo'. I just waited and waited to hear his verdict on the future of our relationship.

 

Then he was back for Christmas Day (when we talked some stuff through) and then off again for a week with a friend. So another week in limbo really. I had a week of lots of questions unanswered and dwelling over things. Since he's been back (this weekend) he hasn't really made time for me and has friends coming over today.

 

He wants to try and get things back to normal, but I am even hesitant about sleeping in the same bed as him at the moment. I said to him yesterday I really need some time to get my head straight before I can give it my all again.

 

I think I will try and keep my space and work on the self esteem stuff - through a counsellor this week.

 

Thanks again

[Eliza]

You poor thing. I totally understand! It is nice (well, not really, but you know what I mean) to hear from someone whose been in a similar position.

 

I think I am feeling guilty that I'm not jumping straight into it (including his bed). I think I have to follow my heart and if the 'space' thing hurts him, so be it. I think he owes me the courtesy to 'mend' from this and see what happens rather than making demands.

 

I have decided to see a counsellor this week and work on my self esteem etc, so we'll see how that goes.

 

Thanks again and take care of yourself.

[Eliza]

Well, it's been three days since he came back and nothing has really changed. He has not put any time away for me at all, isn't forthcoming with affection and isn't really being a positive, bouncy person trying to get this relationship on track. He was short with me yesterday and rude at times again.

 

When his friends had gone yesterday, I thought yay, at last, a chance to spend some time together. All he wanted to do was watch television. I had to ask for affection, ask him to sit next to me, et etc.

 

I asked him what was on his mind and commented he wasn't acting like someone who has begging for a second chance.

 

He thought when I asked for space that I meant for him to back off. I said I actually meant for his patience if I was a bit distant, down or needed some time apart during the day etc (goodness knows I have been patient for four months of his rubbish!). I said I need you to show me how much you love me to energise me again! I have totally run out of energy! You wanted the second chance - step up to the plate! I don't think it's up to me to energise and initiate!

 

So even when I clarified this, he still wasn't bouncing to see me this morning. I had to ask him for a kiss good morning. He's made plans with friends again today. I am still half out the door and he's still not making me feel like number one!