Dumped her...should I take her back?

[cgr68311]

I'm a DV abused sort of separated 35 y. man, dated a reformed (now Christian) 33 y single mom chick whose had also been married to a 50+ yr old guy (according to him only to secure her green card). Even before I confessed being married she would not acknowledge in public me or take me to her church etc. After I confessed she decided she would bend her rules and continue to date me and be my lover. But still no visit to her church until I had my divorce decree.

 

We had no issues whatsoever until the holidays arrived last week and social circumstances showed our true colors: Another 50+ yr old 'friend' of her showed up at her parents home and they massaged each other in front of me; I flipped and she accused me of not trusting her when I did not even know her friend (well hello, she did not even introduce me as her bf and worse, when I told the guy I was her bf and these scenes made me uncomfortable, she walked him to his car and denied me being her bf). 4 days later I browsed her cell msgs and there he was, asking her to let him come over to 'pamper' her for her having a cold, etc.

 

We spent a whole day trying to work things out, she was upset at me and made me apologize to her mom for embarrassing her family. She said things would change, there would be no more sex as she wanted to get back to her Christian hood. I told her that if she really wanted to do things RIGHT with her God, then continuing to date me without the sex factor would not be much of a difference, and dating me without sex would be ok with me as long as she made some allowances such as acknowledging me and giving me the proper respect. She said she would think about it and come up with 'guidelines and restrictions' because she did not want to split. Later that same day I called her and also emailed her the following. I received a text msg one day later from. My gut feeling is 1.) to ignore her completely regardless of what she says or does going forward, although wondering if I should 2.) in a day or so reply just to let her I'm fine (which inexplicably I am, feel liberated and not missing her a bit) or 3.) hold my reply until she is remorseful and apologizes for treating me like this. Thoughts?

 

"Sorry the means but tried to call you. I'm just saving us time. Unfortunately I am not happy, it was all or nothing and by that I do not mean intimate relationships, but just because of being your MAN, I cannot accept less than the recognition such an intimate person deserves.

 

I know I am not quite right, as I am not single, but what do you expect, I am not a Christian nor single and still you accepted me and therefore I can not accept to not be acknowledged and worse, to tell that 'friend' of yours that I was not your boyfriend, after ALL that you and I have shared.

 

Sorry but my dignity and identity can not tolerate such a low blow, in the same way that your dignity and identity can not recognize me in your life. Thank you for loving me Ruth."

 

 

A day later, she texted and FB msg me (did not open it so it would not show 'read' ) the following:

 

"G. ..

 

it hurts but I respect your decision, I want to thank you for your love, for your dedication, for your time, you are a remarkable man, I miss you. You'll be always in my prayers."

 

Additional Details

 

She was going to help me file the divorce papework but as of late we had been spending long hours helping her land a job, she was fine with putting it off for a while. Another note: the last time I saw her, she said: "now that I think about it, I have never asked the name of your parents"...

Edited December 5, 2013 by cgr68311

[nevergoodenough]

I think that you were being childish and insecure and I'm surprised she put up with this from you. Honestly, it's probably only because he is not from this country. You are 35 and feeling that insecure and worried about not being introduced as her bf? Wow, what is the big deal? You were at her parents house, you think she was just like hey meet this random guy and this other guy I am interested in. A lot of your basis of her being interested in the guy is his age, which is a stretch by any view. As for the texts, I think you likely read some flirting into it because you were already going into it with the assumption that something was going on. You are like a detective gathering evidence against someone he is sure committed the crime. Even if the guy does like her, does that mean she likes him BACK. Come on. You are being insecure and you are going to lose this girl. You are going through her texts, accusing her of stuff and telling her she is up to things and you have no evidence. Just stop. If you are unable to treat her with trust and be secure in your relationship, you should let her go. That way, she will find someone that does trust her.

 

My now ex GF is extremely beautiful, she gets attention any time she walks in a room. Her male friends would always hit on her, but they should because she is beautiful and has an amazing personality. I looked through all her texts and they were all asking her friends for advice about me and us. I would worry about the smallest thing and feel like oh she didn't say I'm her bf or whatever and it was for no reason, I knew in my heart that she loved me. She took me to her parents and in front of her whole family and then I started worrying about hey maybe she likes her ex or something and bc of that I got angry and ruined something I was so blessed to have. I was so stupid and untrusting of someone that loved me and wanted to be with me. I loved her and I ****in blew it because I assumed ****. Don't do the same. I'm going to love this girl for the rest of my life and I have to live without her because I made up negatives in my head. She isn't lying to you, you need to learn to trust her, respect her and have faith that she won't hurt you. If you don't, you can kiss this goodbye.

 

I just wanted to say I'm disappointed in you for the way you acted to be honest, what you did is not acceptable. You need to learn to do better, either that or let her go and save yourself the time. At that age, you should know better. Side note: I'm disappointed in myself also.

Edited December 5, 2013 by nevergoodenough

[cgr68311]

I think that you were being childish and insecure and I'm surprised she put up with this from you. Honestly, it's probably only because he is not from this country. You are 35 and feeling that insecure and worried about not being introduced as her bf? Wow, what is the big deal? You were at her parents house, you think she was just like hey meet this random guy and this other guy I am interested in. A lot of your basis of her being interested in the guy is his age, which is a stretch by any view. As for the texts, I think you likely read some flirting into it because you were already going into it with the assumption that something was going on. You are like a detective gathering evidence against someone he is sure committed the crime. Even if the guy does like her, does that mean she likes him BACK. Come on. You are being insecure and you are going to lose this girl. You are going through her texts, accusing her of stuff and telling her she is up to things and you have no evidence. Just stop. If you are unable to treat her with trust and be secure in your relationship, you should let her go. That way, she will find someone that does trust her.

 

My now ex GF is extremely beautiful, she gets attention any time she walks in a room. Her male friends would always hit on her, but they should because she is beautiful and has an amazing personality. I looked through all her texts and they were all asking her friends for advice about me and us. I would worry about the smallest thing and feel like oh she didn't say I'm her bf or whatever and it was for no reason, I knew in my heart that she loved me. She took me to her parents and in front of her whole family and then I started worrying about hey maybe she likes her ex or something and bc of that I got angry and ruined something I was so blessed to have. I was so stupid and untrusting of someone that loved me and wanted to be with me. I loved her and I ****in blew it because I assumed ****. Don't do the same. I'm going to love this girl for the rest of my life and I have to live without her because I made up negatives in my head. She isn't lying to you, you need to learn to trust her, respect her and have faith that she won't hurt you. If you don't, you can kiss this goodbye.

 

I just wanted to say I'm disappointed in you for the way you acted to be honest, what you did is not acceptable. You need to learn to do better, either that or let her go and save yourself the time. At that age, you should know better. Side note: I'm disappointed in myself also.

 

I appreciate your perspective...how do I explain the fact that she never cared to find out about my parents until the very last couple minutes we were together and asked for their names?

[nevergoodenough]

I appreciate your perspective...how do I explain the fact that she never cared to find out about my parents until the very last couple minutes we were together and asked for their names?

 

I read that and reflected on it and I think it's possible you are not someone who over shares information, so you probably never opened up about that to her. You are clearly scared of getting hurt, so you tend to keep more things to yourself unless asked. When it comes to her, you had to know her parents names because you were meeting them and whatnot. This is EXACTLY what just happened to me, I hope you learn from my lesson if you really care about this girl.

 

I am personally engaging in attempting to learn what battles to fight and those to leave aside

 

For example, just because she doesn't outright say oh this guy is my bf doesn't mean you were a mystery man to this guy or the people in her family. You shouldn't automatically assume that she is cheating as a result of that. I suggest you learn to trust her and not assume she is lying to you or out to hurt you. If you don't, you will be alone and you will hurt. Everything I did, I did it because I was scared of losing someone I loved. But I let those fears push me to anger and that caused me to lose someone I will love for the rest of my life. All I can do is share my experience, what you do with it is on you.

Edited December 5, 2013 by nevergoodenough

[cgr68311]

Thank you, nevergoodenough.

 

Latest update:

 

 

Another poster elsewhere said that her text that she "respects my decision" and "I will always be in her prayers" are good-bye statements. This poster also thinks she accepts the split and does not want to come back.

 

However, I know her and know she can be very stubborn and I know it was not easy for her to come back and say that she is hurt and misses me. How should I interpret that? Anyways, I texted her back this morning, which I think did not make me feel needy and I still feel good about myself. I think it will be up to her to come up with a proposal if in fact she wants to be with me and wants to be flexible for us to do all these things without having to wait (getting divorced, her taking me to her church, etc.):

 

TEXT: "Thank you. I miss you too and it hurts. The ideal thing would have been for us to mold as one flesh, put behind so many reservations and taken concrete steps (divorce, ring, church, Alaska [honeymoon], Azul [future daughter], loved you for the rest of my life, etc..)"

 

I hope am not being naive, always saw the red flags but tried to make that hot sex last as long before she pissed me off. I am still sticking to my decision and feeling fine about it, but yeah she can interpret my last text as either closure (give her back some dignity) or as me leaving a door partially open....thoughts?

Edited December 5, 2013 by cgr68311

[nevergoodenough]

She said what she was supposed to say when someone breaks up with you. Besides, you acted in a way that deserves to lose her. I think you made the wrong decision, but it's your life. Either way, you have a lot of growing up to do. If you treat people this way, you will end up alone.

[cgr68311]

Very sound advice...however most of my friends are still in shock (not sure if I omitted this) that last Thursday when the 50 year old man was there, he complained of his shoulder and she rubbed some ointment on his shoulder blade AND THEN they switched...thoughts??

 

Anyways, today I spoke to my (currently separated) legal wife and we ended up reaching a decision on sharing custody of our child which was the largest hurdle for us going through actually filing the divorce. We were close to my ex-gf's home so I told her I would go to her place to give her the news. She waited for me at a pharmacy store nearby.

 

So, I drove to my ex-gf's place and she came out. I hugged and kissed her and we sat in my car. She was trembling but not due to cold but to being nervous. I explained to her that one of the things I omitted in my email was the fact that one of the things that influenced breaking up with her was fearing my divorce would last a long time (1-2 yrs) due to not having a child custody agreement before going to court. I told her that I did not want to waste her time but that today I woke up determined to reach an agreement with my legal wife and we did, which now I explained to her, would mean I could get divorced much quicker. I also said 'I want to make clear that we are not divorcing because of you'...she thanked me for that. I also explained the details of the custody arrangement and she asked me I was ok with it.

 

Then we spent some time kissing and hugging, staring at each other, but I could only see a glimpse of her spark. I told her I love you but she said she would say it eventually. I also told her (or asked her?) I would marry her but no response. She said she is confused in a sea of confusion and that needs to think about things. I asked her if I could come by tomorrow and she said she would let me know.

 

My friends still think she inconsiderate shady whore, that I should be working out things with my wife and to just go cold turkey and ignore her...but hey I love her...

[cgr68311]

UPDATE: She just texted me a smooch!

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

I think u could have been a bit over sensitive/insecure at times given but Im not sure I would 100% trust this girl... just my two penny's worth x

[Sugarkane]

I don't get it. What was a young 33 year old doing with an

Old 50 year old?

[cgr68311]

my point. It was more 28/50 when they married though. When I hacked her email I read his ex husband reminding her 'didn't I ask you that darling and you said age did not matter??"