corrinebean Posted January 1, 2005 Posted January 1, 2005 I need some advice and encouragement from women who have been in this position before... I have a tendency of sleepign with a lot of guys, guys that I've just met. I really don't want to do that, but I talk myself into it as soon as things start happening...telling myself that it's ok, as long as I'm having a good time it doesn't matter, but it does, because I feel ashamed and disappointed afterwards. Last night...I slept with a guy I had met at a bar, and we weren't safe. I had drank a lot, and wasn't thinking. That's the first time I've ever done anything and not been safe, and I'm freaked out by that and really, really disappointed in myself. I don't want advice or judgment about what I should do at this point to make sure everything's ok after last night, I know about that, but I want advice about changing my habits where relationships are concerned. I do think that a big reason why I do this is some thought or feeling that if I have sex with a guy, he'll like me, even though I know that that's stupid and the wrong way to approach a situation. I also know that I have many other attributes and qualities that are attractive. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 1, 2005 Posted January 1, 2005 It is ok to be sexually adventurous, if that is truly what you are doing. I know women Lotharios who are confident, sexually aggressive and perfectly happy with that. The key is confidence. They are secure with themselves, they don't care what anyone thinks about it, they are deeply confident and self protective. They do not feel shame or disappointment for what they do with their own bodies, and make no apologies for it. They are also rare, indeed. If you are sleeping with a lot of guys out of insecurity, though then that is not ok, particularly when your sexual experiences ultimately are followed by guilt and shame. To help you in your situation - what I would suggest is to set up an appointment with your OBGyn, get yourself checked out and tested and then set up an appointment with a therapist to help you with your insecurity issues. Once you get those ironed out, you'll find that you no longer need to use sex as a way to draw people to you and get them to like you.
Groovy Posted January 1, 2005 Posted January 1, 2005 Good advice Corrinebean! I will add even if you love sex, don't sleep around for adventure IF you are looking for a relationship at some point. That's the question, do you want a relationship or just sex? Some guys won't judge or be scared off. But 99% of them will unless you wait. It's been so long since I have had sex and love sex. But I know if I want a relationship I am just better off. I am always meeting dissapointing men and am glad I did not sleep with them after a few weeks of getting to know them and catching lies or disrespect. Sex for most women makes everything more emotional. As far as the unprotected sex I would be sure to get tested, including AIDS. A lot of states have government programs where you can get tested. Also check out a fertility clinic for this kind of stuff if you do not have an OBGYN.
K3RRY Posted January 1, 2005 Posted January 1, 2005 you only live once make the most of it get stuck in
Groovy Posted January 1, 2005 Posted January 1, 2005 k3rry what are you talking about? "You only live once"? Are you saying go for anything you want despite the risks? Have you met someone with AIDS? You only live once is right and living with AIDS is a crappy one shot painful existence based on a short orgasmic experience lasting an hour ruining 40 years ahead of you, your job, your friendship, your ability to have kids or a normal marraige. Living once can also mean living healthy so you can enjoy things through the future years to come and not gamble that one shot deal..... Not sure what you mean by "Get Stuck In", get stuck in what?
Author corrinebean Posted January 2, 2005 Author Posted January 2, 2005 Thanks for the replies you guys (except for K3rry...). I appreciate the feedback, and don't feel so bad about things now. There is a part of me at this point that is interested in just having a good time (why shouldn't I, right?), but the other part of me knows that having sex with guys is not necessarily the only way I can have fun. You've given me some stuff to think about, and I appreciate it!
SoleMate Posted January 2, 2005 Posted January 2, 2005 I have a tendency of sleeping with a lot of guys...that I've just met. I really don't want to do that...I feel ashamed and disappointed afterwards Right. This doesn't really have to do with being "adventurous" or a "female Lothario". You have identified a specific behavior in yourself that you don't like because it causes you emotional distress. What to do: Start working on some "self counselling" and set some goals. See a licensed counsellor if you want, and ask for some short term therapy aimed at reducing your tendency to sleep with strangers that you pick up at bars. Think of some practical ways to get your needs for companionship and sex met in a way that you don't find shaming.
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