I am blowing it with remorseful hubby

[confusedandhurt2002]

Great suggestions! I am going to definitely work at these! Maybe I'll start another thread to get some more ideas for me and others. Hmmmm....

 

I have a couple of (hopefully) practical suggestions. It's common to obsess over the affair and to constantly have questions, sometimes asking the same ones fifty times in fifty different ways as your brain tries to wrap itself around this new reality. It's exhausting for you and your WS. So:

 

(1). Consider limiting affair-related discussions to pre-set days and times. My wayward wife just couldn't take talking about it every night. Maybe it's MWF and you skip the weekends so you can rebuild with new memories. As well, consider setting a duration, perhaps it's one hour. When the hour is up, stop and then celebrate. One of our prolific posters, Owl, used to celebrate their discussions by sharing ice cream.

 

(2). Also consider the use of a journal for questions and answers. I would write questions in it and place it on my WW's nightstand. When she had written her answers, she'd return it to my nightstand. This takes a lot of the immediate emotion out of a face to face conflict and may actually get you a more thoughtful and thorough response.

 

But bear in mind that triggers will still happen. Driving past hotels was a big one for me. He's also going to stick his stupid foot in his mouth with some insensitive comment from time to time and it's NOT your job to just sit there snd choke down that shi.t sandwich all by yourself in silence. This is a team effort.

 

And overall, cut yourself a break. You're trying when he hardly deserves it. If you're taking steps like this to be reasonable, he needs to suck up the times you may stumble. Again, he created this mess and I would bet no one wants you to be over it more than YOU do (and you didn't ask for this).

[confusedandhurt2002]

It is frustrating. He never wants to answer my questions about how he could do this when I was the one who picked up the pieces after this woman cheated on him 15 years ago. he would always say "I would never do tha to you because I know how it feels" and now he won't tell me how the hell he got over her betrayal long enough to start talking to her all of the tim and then sleep with her disgusting STD ridden ass (yes, I have been tested and he claims he has too). It is all so surreal because honestly none of this is the norm in our families. He is NOT the type of guy who slept around before and if you were to meet him now you'd be completly shocked that the person I am describing is the person you're meeting...if that makes sense. He is quiet, reads books and comics, watches movies and wrestling and usually keeps t himself. FOr years I've tried to get him to come wit me places or be outgoing or do things with me and he always rejected me. THen we got to all this and he starts yelling that he never felt like he was part of the family (this is his fault, not mine, in my mind) and that I treated him like my maid (I didn't do that but he is very clean and I never cleaned well enough for him). Apparently those horrble things I did justified him lying to me and our seven year old son for over a year, maybe for three years at this point, and for sleeping with a skank. Sorry...I know I sound awful, but she really is a horrible person. A horrible person, but I do hope she can find soe happiness because she has a crap life. Much of it of her own making. As angry as I am at her, I don't wish her to have a horrible life and sometimes even find myself praying for her to have a good life and for her hsuband to stop being an ass. Yes. I actually pray for her. Someone slap. me.GAH!

 

You didn't mess up, he did. And for him to expect you to 'get over it' so quickly and commend his efforts, jump for joy that he's doing all that he can to mend things with you is enough, well he's an idiot. He KNOWS the pain of betrayal since that OW cheated on HIM many years ago. Hello, it takes time for the pain to go away, it takes time for trust to come back, it takes time for the self esteem to come back too, and him cheating on you has taken a bite out of your self confidence, rightfully so.

 

He needs to back off and allow you time to work through your emotions, the pain, the betrayal, his lies, his deceiving ways. If he can't understand that and expects everything to be hunky dory, well, he's fooling himself.

 

Stop blaming yourself! You are doing the best you can.

 

Sorry for your loss.

[Fluttershy]

I am sorry confused. I hate to say this but... It doesn't sound like he is taking responsibility for his actions but it blame shifting. In the wake of DDay he should not be bringing up problems with YOU pre or during the affair. He should be saying "I chose to betray you and it is in no way your fault." That alone can drive people to crazy behaviour.

But if he hasn't in anyway been tryinG to make you feel guilty for his actions since recovery then you are torturing yourself with assuming he feels a certain way and need to replace those thoughts with positive ones.

[ChooseTruth]

It is frustrating. He never wants to answer my questions about how he could do this when I was the one who picked up the pieces after this woman cheated on him 15 years ago. he would always say "I would never do tha to you because I know how it feels" and now he won't tell me how the hell he got over her betrayal long enough to start talking to her all of the tim and then sleep with her disgusting STD ridden ass (yes, I have been tested and he claims he has too).

...

 

Maybe this is the real source of your anger and your lack of forgiveness. You don't get the 'why' and if you don't get that, how can it be prevented in the future? Feelings of helplessness and fear set in. You get angry because you shouldn't be in this situation in the first place!

 

It sounds like he is one of the common WSs who is not brave enough to face what is really inside of himself...and that sucks. Unfortunately you can't make him do anything, all you can do is communicate what you want and then either walk away or put up with whatever you can put up with.

 

I would make myself really clear on how this is a road block for recovery. Phrased more positively.."H I need you to find what it is within you that allowed this to happen. " or something like that? Sexual greed? Need for external validation? Bad boundaries?

[compulsivedancer]

It is frustrating. He never wants to answer my questions about how he could do this when I was the one who picked up the pieces after this woman cheated on him 15 years ago. he would always say "I would never do tha to you because I know how it feels" and now he won't tell me how the hell he got over her betrayal long enough to start talking to her all of the tim and then sleep with her disgusting STD ridden ass (yes, I have been tested and he claims he has too). It is all so surreal because honestly none of this is the norm in our families. He is NOT the type of guy who slept around before and if you were to meet him now you'd be completly shocked that the person I am describing is the person you're meeting...if that makes sense. He is quiet, reads books and comics, watches movies and wrestling and usually keeps t himself. FOr years I've tried to get him to come wit me places or be outgoing or do things with me and he always rejected me. THen we got to all this and he starts yelling that he never felt like he was part of the family (this is his fault, not mine, in my mind) and that I treated him like my maid (I didn't do that but he is very clean and I never cleaned well enough for him). Apparently those horrble things I did justified him lying to me and our seven year old son for over a year, maybe for three years at this point, and for sleeping with a skank. Sorry...I know I sound awful, but she really is a horrible person. A horrible person, but I do hope she can find soe happiness because she has a crap life. Much of it of her own making. As angry as I am at her, I don't wish her to have a horrible life and sometimes even find myself praying for her to have a good life and for her hsuband to stop being an ass. Yes. I actually pray for her. Someone slap. me.GAH!

 

You are in a weird blame cycle (of blaming yourself). You talk about the things that he is blaming you for, then you apologize for bringing them up.

 

You call her a skank, which isn't even a particularly bad name (and one that she probably deserves), and then you have to rationalize and bring up why it's okay for you to call her that. Screw that. She broke his heart. You picked up the pieces. Now she's broken your heart. Regardless of who she is when she's not around you or your H, you can feel any which way you want about her, no need to apologize.

 

You need to put the blame where it belongs. Stop blaming yourself, put it on HIM and on HER.

 

As far as you screwing up, you have been through more in a six month period than any person should ever have to go through. His cheating is already more than you should have to deal with, then to get pregnant and miscarry!

 

When I went through a miscarriage, it was one of the hardest things I ever had to face (well, up till now). I was depressed for the better part of a year (possibly longer) and I never really recovered.

 

For me, the hardest part about the miscarriage was the H had no idea how to be there for me. He just went about his life, when all I needed was to be hugged and loved and touched and told how much he was sad for me and how much he loved me and how he'd help me get over it, and when we were ready, we'd try again. But I needed an endless supply of it.

 

I know that I expected more of him than I could really expect to get back, but the point is that it's a very tough thing to get through. He should be trying to be warm and tender and loving with you. He should've dropped everything to make you feel better while you were in a world of pain of his own creating, as well as a hormonal hurricane.

 

You are not expected to be recovered - OR EVEN CLOSE TO RECOVERED! - from either of those events. Stop being so hard on yourself. Take things day by day, do the best that you can.

 

You can only lean so hard on your friends, and your friends can only help oyu enough (that said, your brother is some kind of ass!). Find a support group - LS is my infidelity support group. I wish I had had something like that after my miscarriage. Maybe I could've truly gotten over it. It's been four years and I don't know that I've found true recovery.

 

Counseling is a step, but it's not enough. You need people who know what you're going through to help you through it. And also to help you see what works, what doesn't, what the future holds (both good and bad), etc.

[confusedandhurt2002]

He has actually taken responsibility but brought this up when i kept hitting him with 'why' and getting more and more pissed he wouldn't answer. So, now I know that deep down he blames me for the affair,though he says this isn't true and he did all this and he is the one who ruined our family.

 

I am sorry confused. I hate to say this but... It doesn't sound like he is taking responsibility for his actions but it blame shifting. In the wake of DDay he should not be bringing up problems with YOU pre or during the affair. He should be saying "I chose to betray you and it is in no way your fault." That alone can drive people to crazy behaviour.

But if he hasn't in anyway been tryinG to make you feel guilty for his actions since recovery then you are torturing yourself with assuming he feels a certain way and need to replace those thoughts with positive ones.

[confusedandhurt2002]

I already believe external validation is it. He never got it as a kid. His mom is a crazy, selfish bitch. No kidding. I don't usually say that about people but damn...she's a bitch who favored his sister and treated him like **** for years. Thanks to that bitch I'm dealing with this s.hit.

And yes, I don't get the why and all he says is "I don't know...that's why I'm in therapy." Ass...he knows why, he just doesn't want to say.

 

Maybe this is the real source of your anger and your lack of forgiveness. You don't get the 'why' and if you don't get that, how can it be prevented in the future? Feelings of helplessness and fear set in. You get angry because you shouldn't be in this situation in the first place!

 

It sounds like he is one of the common WSs who is not brave enough to face what is really inside of himself...and that sucks. Unfortunately you can't make him do anything, all you can do is communicate what you want and then either walk away or put up with whatever you can put up with.

 

I would make myself really clear on how this is a road block for recovery. Phrased more positively.."H I need you to find what it is within you that allowed this to happen. " or something like that? Sexual greed? Need for external validation? Bad boundaries?

[tiredofitall2]

He has actually taken responsibility but brought this up when i kept hitting him with 'why' and getting more and more pissed he wouldn't answer. So, now I know that deep down he blames me for the affair,though he says this isn't true and he did all this and he is the one who ruined our family.

 

I truly believe he was out to prove himself and got tangled up. I'm also sure he was hung up as he was cheated on by the POS woman. So it was a form of validation. He must have deeper issues and what you mentioned about his mother makes sense.

 

Sometimes for men their spouse or GF takes a "mother" type role in their mind. We like to be taken care of. Then she cheats on him and leaves him. It's his mother's situation all over again.

 

He might not really know what drove him to do what he did. But in most cases it's all about the pu$$y. Sorry to be so blunt, but it is true.....No feelings there.

[confusedandhurt2002]

I don't know why I feel the need to explain here, but the pregnancy was NOT an attempt to fix things. I haven't been able to get pregnant in seven years and we didn't think it would happen so while trying to save this marriage and reconnect it happened by accident. I know that sounds stupid since we know where babies come from and there was no protection, but again...we had not been able to in seven years.

 

Yeah, over explaining again! lol!