I am blowing it with remorseful hubby

[confusedandhurt2002]

My husband had an affair with an ex girlfriend who cheated on him 15 years ago and then dumped his ass. We have been married 13 years and have a young son. I discovered the affair in July and the sex part of it in August.

 

He was defensive and denied it all in the beginning and then made up some more crap to dig himself in even deeper for the next month. I kicked him out the day I learned of the physical part of the affair.

 

Long story short that within two weeks after it all came out, he wanted to save our marriage and started talking with a pastor I recommended. He agreed almost immediately to see a counselor. He's been seeing a personal counselor and a private one for four-five months. He is being attentative...gives me his phone to look at...has given me the password to every account he has and offered for me to come to his office and look at his wrk computer.

 

He is working his ass off and I'm blowing it. I'm having break downs...crying, sobbing, raging and just plain ****ting all over his efforts. It's like i'm out of my head with anger and hurt and fear that I will get hurt again.

 

The OW has moved several states away and isn't in the picture at all. From what I can see from phone records and some sources I have who know her, there has been no contact since the week after I found out nd this nightmare started.

 

In addition to all this crap, while trying to reconcile I ended up getting pregnant (I haven't been able to in seven years and never thought I would) and then last week I miscarried. It's been a horrible, crappy year for me. And I'm making it worse because I can't seem to get over my pain. We had a huge blow out tonight and I don't know if I've totally made him say " to hell with this."

 

Tonight my mom said "I'm afraid you're going to win the battle and lose the war."

 

Guessing by the stomping and slamming of doors going on downstairs in myhouse as I write this (no violence toward me), she may be right.

[frogss29]

I am in the same position as you but only a month into this hell.

I am so sorry about the miscarriage

 

I am definitely no expert in this, but maybe you are pushing him to see if he really loves you????

Our counsellor said that it is normal to feel this pain, anger, despair. Not nice, but normal. And that it is 'all about me' for the time being and he needs to realise that and keep reassuring me. Again, not an expert in this and feeling it does wear a little thin after a while, apologising and grovelling. But the pain is so raw and self esteem is so low.

 

I suppose you need to really think if you love him.

And if you do, tell him.

But tell him you are hurting so badly and just don't know how much you can bear.

 

Hoping the experts here have some answers

[tiredofitall2]

Well, everyone reacts differently. He made a BIG, BIG mistake. But forgiveness is a virtue. Can you forgive him? It sounds that he is really trying to make amends. It doesn't sound like he would make this sort of mistake again. Also it is interesting it was with an ex that cheated on him. Sounds almost as a way for him to find closure from a past hurt. Like he felt less of a man or her cheating and leaving him made him feel unattractive and he needed to prove himself. I know! crazy and ridiculous to risk his family in such an irresponsible way and there is no excuse, but it's the only explanation I can think of.

 

This woman at one point distroyed his ego and it might have been a way to regain some of that ego back, just at too high of a cost.

 

People make mistakes and I believe in second chances. Key word second...

[confusedandhurt2002]

He is doing what other husbands would not do. he has done some amazing things...including the personal counseling. IF you knew his past, you would know how huge a step this is. And I recognize it and I appreciate it but then I shatter and I blame myself and I get angry at me and that anger spills to him and I just absolutely blow chunks of misery all over his efforts.

 

I do not believe he wants anything to do with the OW, who has no intention of leaving her husband, that I know of, but I do believe he might leave just to get away from the ball of nasty I have become.

 

And, yes, I absolutely believe this was an ego thing...he was an arrogant ******* and he has fully admitted that and has changed so much. I am so disgusted with myself for treating him so crappy after all he is trying to do. What he did was wrong...10000 times wrong. But when he is trying so hard....my torturing him is 10000 times wrong too.

 

I am so ashamed that I can't even talk to him tonight and I know he has no interest in talking to me. I feel I failed him before and pushed him back into that horrible woman's arms and now I'm failing again.

[painfullyobvious]

Every person deals with infidelity differently. I have known people to move ahead with reconciliation very quickly like they were on an escalator while others sit in place and fester. I was a sarcastic person for the first several months of my attempts at reconciliation because I was hurting. To me it sounds like you are traversing the phases of grief normally. We all want this beautiful linear path of forgiveness and moving on but it doesn't work that way. It is a two to three year process for most people.

 

Also, you add additional pain and grief from your pregnancy and miscarriage that doesn't help the healing process. I know this sounds cliche but be patient and communicate with your husband what you have here. He is doing all the right things that is great and important. You may get through this and be stronger because of this. Right now it seems impossible. Search these forums there are success stories that can give you hope.

 

Honestly some people find that; "look I tried and have come to the conclusion I can't reconcile." That's okay too. I was one of those people. I gave it a shot and after several months I was still so angry, sarcastic, and still being lied to I gave up. Your situation appears to be salvageable. Good luck

[firststeps]

Don't take responsibility and guilt for feeling like you are pushing him away. He is the one that caused this. You are essentially starting from square one. He has to show he is trustworthy and be patient as you not only dealing with the betrayal but also the loss of your child.

 

Im sorry your going through this, and its going to be alot of hard work and dedication to heal but it does sound like he is doing all the right things to prove to you that the affair is over.

 

In my situation, my husband walked out after l discovered his affair, and moved on with the OM.

[experiencethedevine]

What you have suffered is an enormous psychological traumatic event. There is nothing measly about it. It is also a process.

 

You simply cannot navigate around this process, you can only go through it, in all its painful, torturous and debilitating stages. Anger is simply a symptom of that process, as is grief.

 

It takes approximately two years to go through the stages of grief alone, so that should give you some indication of the enormity of what you are experiencing.

 

Do not feel guilt about your feelings, they are right, justified and normal for this type of trauma. Your husband must be prepared to support you through this process no matter how difficult it is. He is the perpetrator and the instigator of the trauma, and now he must be the healer. No ifs buts or maybe's.

 

If you are not already taking guidance from a counsellor, then I would strongly advise that you do so without delay. You cannot carry this terrible emotional burden without help.

 

Take courage. If your husband really means to save the marriage with you, then he must put on his armour and travel the journey of a knight.

 

My very best wishes and thoughts to you on this very difficult journey.

[waterwoman]

Get some counselling. I did that quite soon after dday and it helped. It helped me get some stuff out in the open away from H. I needed to bolster myself to deal with the situation with a much strength as possible. When this happens there is so much confusion swirling around. One factor is the affair, the anger that causes, the sense of shock. The other is the self-doubt, the self-blame and the insecurity which are present in most people to a greater or less extent and an affair lends them extra power. The former your H has to fix, the latter is down to you by and large. I got over the former quicker than I got over the latter and it was that that gnawed at my brain and sent me near crazy!!

 

The other thing to bear in mind is that this may take years to mend. You both have to be aware of that fact. It can't be fixed overnight. Have you done any reading? Both of you? It will help to realise that your reaction is utterly normal and no unreasonable in the circumstances.

 

If you have been really nasty to your H, there is no harm in apologising afterwards. If you are like me you don't want to act like that but you can't help it at the time. He has to be understanding but he also needs reassurance that you still care about him underneath all the pain and turrmoil. As a remorseful wayward he deserves that.

 

So sorry about the baby

[Ap22]

Sorry to hear what you are going through. You arent blowing anything. You are reacting to this trauma in a normal way. I just found out a little over a couple weeks ago about my wifes affair. I'm a damn roller coaster of emotions. We went 2 days ago to our first MC session and I left feeling good. Yesterday, I dwelled on what she had done and came home upset and let my wife have it. It was like D-day all over again.

 

Once I let it off my chest, I felt much better and went back to being relatively normal again. Oddly enough, in our MC session my wife told the counselor that she wants me to be mad at her. She wants me to show her that I'm angry. She said its the times that I'm quiet and look like i'm at peace that worries her.

 

I've never screwed up as bad as my wife has, but when I'm wrong and I know I hurt someone....well then I sit there and take it because I know I deserve it. Had the roles been reversed between us, I would sit there and take all the abuse she wanted to give me. One, because I would have deserved every bit of it, and also because I know she needs to let it out.

[BetrayedH]

You and your husband must understand and accept that reconciling after infidelity takes 2-5 YEARS. It's not weeks or months; it is years. You are not destroying your marriage. Your husband dropped a nuclear bomb on the marriage.

 

If he doesn't have the patience for cleaning up the mess he created, make sure he knows where the door is so that he can leave.

 

By the way, if he's stomping and slamming things, he isn't a great example of someone that has true remorse. It's been what, 3-4 months since he stopped lying and he already expects you to be over it? He's a damn idiot.

 

Another way I see it is that he asked you to eat one giant shi.t sandwich. Actually, since he kept up the lying, he keeps serving them up you like a giant shi.t sandwich buffet. He's going to have to accept that you're going to vomit in his direction every once in a while.

 

Reconciling is a team effort, much like the marriage that the signed up for. If he's not going to be your partner in handling the crisis that he created for you, tell him to get the f.uck out.

[experiencethedevine]

Something that might be helpful and illuminating to both of you is a book written by Shirley Glass Phd, who is sadly no longer with us, 'Not Just Friends' is invaluable in making sense of it all. Her experience, wisdom and careful research have produced this book which was once my bible on a daily basis. I recommend you use it not as a front to back read, but as reassurance when dipped into that you are going to get through this with tenderness and dignity, whatever lies ahead.

[oldshirt]

No-one has really brought up the pregnancy/miscarriage much here yet.

 

Pregnancy and then a miscarriage will play total havoc on the emotions and moods of a normal person in a perfectly healthy and stable marriage with a perfect husband.

 

Throw in the fact that things were in a state of chaos and upheaval to begin with and you hav the perfect storm for a complete breakdown here.

 

Understand that your emotions and moods are going to be a terrifying roller coaster at best and the potential for some actual near-psychosis is there too. You are not always going to be rational and logical here for awhile since your hormones and body chemistries are going to be all out of whack for awhile.

 

Don't be alarmed that your feelings and moods are all over the charts. Just don't make any binding decisions for awhile and try not to say or do anything that can't be taken back untill after things have settled down and your body chemistry is back to baseline.

[confusedandhurt2002]

Thank you...i am talking to our pastor and going to counseling too. I didnt clarify that.

Im sorry about the lost of your kid.that's horible.

I think you should not hide your anger and hurt.

And think it will go away.

 

Cheating is something that breaks all the trust.

And you need to be open to your husband.

Being open and talking about the real feeling can help both.

And know where both stand and take the rigth steps.

 

Your husband have to know how you fee about it all.

and what it did to you.

And just as you took him back he needs to give you the

Time to heal. And not thinking it all will go away in weeks etc.

 

You both need to let eachother know how you feel

And think.

And not thinking oh he must know.

 

I think its a process and you took him back but did not

fotgive him jet.

Its great that you told him to go talk with the pastor.

But why not both of you?And why not with the counseler It self

which is God.

Only Him can give you the power to forgive others.

 

And the thing in being open to your husband

About your feeling and anger is he then can see how reallly

bad cheating is. And that it bring so much mote with it

Then just a affair. It may help both of you also grow closer then

before.

 

Marriage is something God made.So He is the one

That knows best how to make it happen.

Pray about it.let God know what you are dealing with.and

Study His word.

 

And dont wait till you have a arguement with your husband

to tell him your anger and frustration.

but you can tell him also when you just feel it.

and have a bad day.

 

And it takes maybe babysteps.but you have 2 do your best

not to keep hanging in the negativity of it all.

And work on letting go. See and mention possitive stuff 2.

That you se and want to him.

Do possitive stuff 2.

build it up little by little.

Marriage is a team effort.its also work.

I think there is love between you and him and it will be okay.

 

And dont be affraid to tell him also how you feel about thelost of the baby.

[confusedandhurt2002]

Are you in individual counseling too? It sounds like it could help.

 

Yes...actually. ..thanks for the suggestion. I was in even before I found out... only a couple

Months before but it was a Godsend. I know...it really sounds like it is helping huh? Haha.I am not suicidal yet so it must be helping some. There is all this...miscarriage snd before that I was very dick and had to change my diet and thyroid meds. My life has been a roller coaster for almost a year.

Edited December 5, 2013 by confusedandhurt2002

[tired girl]

You are not blowing it at all. Really read what experiencethedevine and betrayedH wrote. True remorse doesn't have a time limit on it. My husband and I are almost two years out and he continues to have patience when I trigger, he continues to apologize and tell me how sorry he is that his actions are what brought us to this place when I am angry or feeling upset. It is these actions on his part that can quickly diffuse what is going on inside of me, because I know my husband gets the enormity of what he did to me and our marriage. If your husband is expecting you to be over this already he doesn't get it. And either does anyone else around you. As others have said, this takes years, and that is ok. Don't rush your healing. You have many things going on and no one gets to set a time limit on how you heal from this. Certainly not the one who inflicted the damage.

[ChooseTruth]

I feel and empathize with what you are going through, I really do...and I struggle with guilt over times when I was verbally abusive or angrily "over truthful".

 

All the books I read say avoid angry outbursts at all costs. I think it's pretty important actually. I do notice a trend that more often couples that make it are couples where the BS had more control of their reactions. Basically, I'm sorry to not join in with the crowd and be as comforting, but I really do think you need to control how you handle anger(anger itself is fine). Take time out when starts to boil over. Picture yourself saying something nicely before you say it. Try to phrase things in a positive manner. My username choice is an example. Instead of "STOPLYING" or "LiesAreEvil", I chose "ChooseTruth".

 

I hope those things help. I do agree it's a cruel thing for someone to cheat and then expect you to be on your best game, but I also believe we are responsible for our own actions. If he doesn't get to blame you for him cheating no matter what, then you in turn don't get to blame him for being emotionally abusive. It's a tough pill to swallow, believe me, I choke on that fat b*** every day.

[beach]

Learn to express your emotions with calm words so that you can have a "discussion" about your feelings and talk THROUGH them.

[Stillscared]

He is doing what other husbands would not do. he has done some amazing things...including the personal counseling. IF you knew his past, you would know how huge a step this is. And I recognize it and I appreciate it but then I shatter and I blame myself and I get angry at me and that anger spills to him and I just absolutely blow chunks of misery all over his efforts.

 

I do not believe he wants anything to do with the OW, who has no intention of leaving her husband, that I know of, but I do believe he might leave just to get away from the ball of nasty I have become.

 

And, yes, I absolutely believe this was an ego thing...he was an arrogant ******* and he has fully admitted that and has changed so much. I am so disgusted with myself for treating him so crappy after all he is trying to do. What he did was wrong...10000 times wrong. But when he is trying so hard....my torturing him is 10000 times wrong too.

 

I am so ashamed that I can't even talk to him tonight and I know he has no interest in talking to me. I feel I failed him before and pushed him back into that horrible woman's arms and now I'm failing again.

 

Just tell him this. It will mean a lot I think.

[syz]

you need to seriously give yourself a year minimum to have the effects of this calm down. It took me 4.5 years to feel normal again. And that is about the time it takes to heal up from such a devastating event. At 4 months out I hit the rage stage. Oh dear lord I had no idea what was happening to me. That lasted until about 10 months out. I worked out a lot and went on anti depressants. Both helped immensely. the second to third year I just went flat. It's called the plain of lethal flatness because your body is so over taxed your brain and emotions just kind of shut off from all the trauma. A lot of times the 3rd year is where it becomes apparent if reconciliation is going to be possible or not assuming the cheater has done all the right things, cut off contact, gotten into therapy, been transparent etc. And even then with all the right things being done sometimes it is still just not enough and the marriage ends. Don't decide if you can forgive yet or not. It's a process not a one time event. You're still in shock and in need of time and healing.

[Fluttershy]

I agree with ChooseTruth. While your outbursts are fully understandable, they are not helpful. And you can see that and know that.

Anger management tips might help. I can tell you sometimes I get in a pit of nasty and say and do things that even as I am saying and doing them I regret but I keep going and for me it escelates. And even if my hurt and upset is justified my reaction only makes things worse and me feel terrible. For me i have learned to identify when the icky pre nasty feeling is there and I work on focusing my mind on other things and not the issue that is bothering me at the moment. Then, after a bit I revisit it and approach the subject in a more controlled manner. I don't check anger or sadness bit rather the over the top rage and nastiness. I fail at times but I am getting better at seeing when it is building and checking myself. I have even come to the place where I don't have to think on something else but can bring myself down.

I hope that makes sense.

[confusedandhurt2002]

Thank you for the replies and advice! I would love more advice on how to diffuse my feelings and control my reactions because I often feel out of control and I hate this feeling!

 

I meet with my personal counselor in the morning. At this time she doesn't feel i need anti depressants because I seem to come up out of things on my own OK, but this up and down is horrible for me and him and everyone around me (my brother and I aren't even talking right now because he said I was putting too much on his wife during the miscarriage). BTW, that is not what she said exactly and she is really, really attentative to how I am handling things and originally suggested i needed one but changed her mind after continued meetings. I'm a bit crazy but not yet severely depresssed..somehow!

 

I also believe my up and down hormones since the miscarriage are making things worse. I meet with a doctor on Tuesday to talk about anti depressants and the hormone issues.

[ChooseTruth]

Thank you for the replies and advice! I would love more advice on how to diffuse my feelings and control my reactions because I often feel out of control and I hate this feeling!

 

I meet with my personal counselor in the morning. At this time she doesn't feel i need anti depressants because I seem to come up out of things on my own OK, but this up and down is horrible for me and him and everyone around me (my brother and I aren't even talking right now because he said I was putting too much on his wife during the miscarriage). BTW, that is not what she said exactly and she is really, really attentative to how I am handling things and originally suggested i needed one but changed her mind after continued meetings. I'm a bit crazy but not yet severely depresssed..somehow!

 

I also believe my up and down hormones since the miscarriage are making things worse. I meet with a doctor on Tuesday to talk about anti depressants and the hormone issues.

 

 

Np. I have another thought. It's that you should honor your anger (there's a book by this title actually), and your anger is there to protect you from getting hurt again. So definitely learning to calm down and express yourself positively is good but also there maybe other more specific actions to take to protect yourself. I think it's ok to let your anger be the fire behind action, as long as you are pointing the steering wheel at a well chosen location When I realized my ex wasn't doing the things I needed for us to be able to reconcile...my wheel pointed toward divorce. Before that though I was going to MC sessions, reading gobs of books, talking on forums, etc.

 

Another thought, anger is a secondary emotion usually. It can come from fear, frustration, lack of control, or as an unconscious shield from guilt or sadness. Maybe figure out specifically what your anger comes from. I know in my case it was lack of control and frustration. I couldn't get my ex to do what I believed was necessary to make me feel safe in the marriage again. Once you know exactly what the primary source that's feeding the anger, then maybe you can diffuse or take actions to fix things.

 

Sometimes I still feel angry, because of the situation this divorce has put me. Solution? Fix my situation, and learn to trust women again. Not all women are like my ex, cognitively I've understood that all along but still felt helpless at being able to be a decent judge of character since I'd been so badly fooled before. After a lot of thought, discussion, study, interacting, etc, I think I'm getting to understand the difference better now. That helps dissipate my anger. I feel I have some control again. Just another example of my process of dealing

[Artie Lang]

i'm truly sorry for your loss.

 

 

I discovered the affair in July and the sex part of it in August.

 

don't be so hard on yourself..... you've only just discovered his betrayal a few months ago. they say it takes anywhere from 2-5 years to get over something like this, if you ever do get over it.

 

he might be working his ass off, but he also needs to understand that this is gonna take a hell of a lot of work. he's gonna have to do all the heavy-lifting here.

 

you're gonna have days where you're gonna lash out at him, even if/when he's doing everything he can to right this wrong. he's just gonna have to suck-it-up.

[whichwayisup]

You didn't mess up, he did. And for him to expect you to 'get over it' so quickly and commend his efforts, jump for joy that he's doing all that he can to mend things with you is enough, well he's an idiot. He KNOWS the pain of betrayal since that OW cheated on HIM many years ago. Hello, it takes time for the pain to go away, it takes time for trust to come back, it takes time for the self esteem to come back too, and him cheating on you has taken a bite out of your self confidence, rightfully so.

 

He needs to back off and allow you time to work through your emotions, the pain, the betrayal, his lies, his deceiving ways. If he can't understand that and expects everything to be hunky dory, well, he's fooling himself.

 

Stop blaming yourself! You are doing the best you can.

 

Sorry for your loss.

[BetrayedH]

I have a couple of (hopefully) practical suggestions. It's common to obsess over the affair and to constantly have questions, sometimes asking the same ones fifty times in fifty different ways as your brain tries to wrap itself around this new reality. It's exhausting for you and your WS. So:

 

(1). Consider limiting affair-related discussions to pre-set days and times. My wayward wife just couldn't take talking about it every night. Maybe it's MWF and you skip the weekends so you can rebuild with new memories. As well, consider setting a duration, perhaps it's one hour. When the hour is up, stop and then celebrate. One of our prolific posters, Owl, used to celebrate their discussions by sharing ice cream.

 

(2). Also consider the use of a journal for questions and answers. I would write questions in it and place it on my WW's nightstand. When she had written her answers, she'd return it to my nightstand. This takes a lot of the immediate emotion out of a face to face conflict and may actually get you a more thoughtful and thorough response.

 

But bear in mind that triggers will still happen. Driving past hotels was a big one for me. He's also going to stick his stupid foot in his mouth with some insensitive comment from time to time and it's NOT your job to just sit there snd choke down that shi.t sandwich all by yourself in silence. This is a team effort.

 

And overall, cut yourself a break. You're trying when he hardly deserves it. If you're taking steps like this to be reasonable, he needs to suck up the times you may stumble. Again, he created this mess and I would bet no one wants you to be over it more than YOU do (and you didn't ask for this).