Chris715 Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 Rough night tonight, guess I need somewhere to vent. Warning, this turned out to be kinda long. Anyone else feel completely grinded down and worn out from life sometimes? Sitting at home tonight mulling over all my mistakes and it's not helping my depression. -I've let my break up from a YEAR ago effect me way too much. She was the first girl I've loved and after the break up I made way too many mistakes with her. Should've seen all the warning signs: how hot and cold she was, how depressed and needy she was, how terribly she treated me at times, but nope, continued to pursue her, beg, plead, anything, long after the relationship was gone. It's left me depressed and lonely ever since. Haven't talked to her for 3 months now after learning she was in a new relationship. Devastated me and I try to forget her. A friend mentioned her in passing a week ago and a family member again today, both times I was struck with anxiety and afterwards, more depression. -I've failed 3 semesters worth of school now. Dropped out of classes for this semester and took F's in classes the past two like an idiot. I'm doing engineering at a state school and I really don't like my classes, my schedule, the material, most of my classmates (nothing against them personally, but I just don't seem to relate to a lot of them). I really enjoy math and science so I don't know if it's the engineering I can't stand or the fact that my messy break up happened around the time I needed to get serious in my junior year and instead pretty much checked out, or maybe a combination of the two. -I'm 22 and still living with the parents. Planning to move out with a couple of friends in like a month or so because I NEED to get away from my family. I elected to stay at home going to college (my university is in the town I grew up in) instead of living in the dorms. BIG mistake. Hampered my ability to meet people on campus and have any sort of normal college experience. Definitely contributed to my lack of dating women, making new friends, etc. Luckily I have a pretty good group of friends outside of school from high school and my part time job, don't know what I'd do without them. -My mental illness has gotten progressively worse over the last year and I've done nothing really to manage it. To embarrassed to talk to my family about it. Friends knew I had a hard time with my break up but probably think I'm doing ok now. Can't get counselling through school this semester since I dropped out and I'm on my parent's health care, so kind of a dead end there. Depressed and anxious pretty much every day now and it's all my ****ing fault. Did nothing to manage and cope with this when I could've gotten a better handle on it a year ago, either before or right after my break up. I should've cut all contact with her and focused on myself, gotten some professional help at school, focused on classes, family, and friends. Too late for all of that now. Some days it feels like I'm coming apart mentally. To sum it up I'm really lonely and mentally unhealthy right now and it's all my ****ing fault. Can't meet any new women right now and even if I did it would be unfair of me to drag some girl down into my problems and expect her to help me, take care of me, whatever. That's basically what my ex did to me this time last year and I'm not about to repeat her selfishness. Again, mainly just venting tonight. Can't see a future for myself right now looking up from this huge hole I've dug myself. So many mistakes made on my part.
GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 I read your post and it seems to me you're being very hard on yourself. You experience a breakup with your first real love and its a wretched experience for anyone to go through. It is normal for it to affect your school and or work. I know taking time off from school for a breakup is probably frowned upon, but your own mental well being is more important. You mentioned you're embarassed to tell your parents what's happening which I am not quite sure why? Do you feel they will not be supportative of you? The fact that you are on your parents health insurance is good because if it covers counseling you could get help. If you did use your insurance to go for counseling, would they find out? I mean with patient confidentiality I doubt they would know. Another possibility is to look online wherever you live and see if there is low-income counseling clinics. Since you work part time, I suspect you would qualify. I know right now it feels like you made sooooo many mistakes and it will never get better but it will. I really urge you to get some counseling to deal with the breakup and any other issues bogging you down. Take care
kidinfo1 Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 Hey man just want to let you know we are kind of in the same situations (view my previous threads - you may even feel better about yours). I just had a "relapse" recently with my ex that made everything 100 times worse. I'm real depressed but I'll leave it at that, I wanna give you suggestions that can help you. I had advice given to me here a couple months ago, and I don't know if you were given the same, but this seemed to really help me. Change up your style - buy new clothes, get a new haircut, change it up! Start working out, and I mean really push yourself. I went from never working out a day in my life to working out 5 days a week Monday - Friday and it feels amazing. It feels even better when people notice! Also, try getting away, going on trips, doing something pretty life changing for example, I just scored tickets to a Kanye west concert (my favorite artist ever), something I never would I had the drive to do before. Just try to follow those suggestions if you haven't already, and while you may not get over it fast, it will sure help you to.
Author Chris715 Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 You mentioned you're embarassed to tell your parents what's happening which I am not quite sure why? Do you feel they will not be supportative of you? I don't know why it seems so hard to be honest. I've been acting perfectly happy in front of them, for the most part, for the last year, so I guess that's the hard part, bringing up a conversation and basically saying "yeah so I've been depressed and had severe anxiety for a long time now, I've basically been lying to everyone about it." Obviously I wouldn't outright say something like that but that's the message I feel like I'd be conveying to everyone.
GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 I don't know why it seems so hard to be honest. I've been acting perfectly happy in front of them, for the most part, for the last year, so I guess that's the hard part, bringing up a conversation and basically saying "yeah so I've been depressed and had severe anxiety for a long time now, I've basically been lying to everyone about it." Obviously I wouldn't outright say something like that but that's the message I feel like I'd be conveying to everyone. First of all, your family and or friends who really care about you will more likely feel bad they didn't know you were hurting so much. No one is going to go pointing a finger at you and labeling you as a liar. They will probably tell you they want to be there for you. We are our own worst critics, and if anything this experience can help you learn how to express these emotions (depression, anxiety whatever) to the people who love you so in the future you don't have to suffer in silence or alone.
D-Lish Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 (edited) You know what? When you're at the bottom of a hole looking up, it's easier to give up than to start climbing. The truth is, depression is a bitch, but you have to participate in your own recovery in order to get out of this. You can wallow in misery, or you can make a choice to fight your way out. Set some goals, and get excited about something- anything that takes your focus off of what you're ruminating about. Recovery starts with a decision to get serious about recovery. Once you've made that decision, you can start climbing out of the hole. It won't be easy- but the decision to take steps to heal can be a liberating step in the right direction. Edited December 5, 2013 by D-Lish 3
Simon Phoenix Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 I don't know why it seems so hard to be honest. I've been acting perfectly happy in front of them, for the most part, for the last year, so I guess that's the hard part, bringing up a conversation and basically saying "yeah so I've been depressed and had severe anxiety for a long time now, I've basically been lying to everyone about it." Obviously I wouldn't outright say something like that but that's the message I feel like I'd be conveying to everyone. Why don't you just try telling them, be honest and see how they'd react? Bottling it up is obviously not working for you. And yes, you've made mistakes, we all do. However, you can't let those mistakes continue to defeat you. The mistakes you made are done and gone now, they don't matter. What matters is what you do from here on out. Don't let each mistake beat you five separate times. It's time for you to try new things and make new mistakes. That's how you learn and grow and move forward. 1
Author Chris715 Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 You know what? When you're at the bottom of a hole looking up, it's easier to give up than to start climbing. The truth is, depression is a bitch, but you have to participate in your own recovery in order to get out of this. You can wallow in misery, or you can make a choice to fight your way out. Set some goals, and get excited about something- anything that takes your focus off of what you're ruminating about. Recovery starts with a decision to get serious about recovery. Once you've made that decision, you can start climbing out of the hole. It won't be easy- but the decision to take steps to heal can be a liberating step in the right direction. You're right, where I am right now it feels a lot easier to give up and wallow in my misery and that's exactly what I've been doing all night. Problem is I don't even know what recovery looks like and getting my life back on track seems like a monumental task at this point. Baby steps I guess... One day at a time.
hrtblds2ez Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 You're right, where I am right now it feels a lot easier to give up and wallow in my misery and that's exactly what I've been doing all night. Problem is I don't even know what recovery looks like and getting my life back on track seems like a monumental task at this point. Baby steps I guess... One day at a time. That statement in bold is honest truth. I'm in a similar boat, seems upriver without a paddle at times. I've read many posts on this site and everyone seems to have some helpful info. Stick with this site and the advice that others give that have started to pull through. We are all in a dark spot. I personally have sought out counseling, am on an antidepressant and sleep medicine. Not proud of that, not at all what I wanted but for the meantime I'm getting through it.
Author Chris715 Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 Wow, another really rough night tonight. Feeling incredibly anxious and depressed for pretty much no reason. Dreading a birthday party/dinner I'm invited to this Saturday for one of my best friends. I know she really wants me to go but almost everyone there is in some kind of a relationship and bringing their SO, so I get to be the 11th wheel or whatever if I decide to tag along. At this point I think I'm just going to make an excuse and opt out.
AnyaNova Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 How will you feel afterwards if you do? If you truly need to, I am sure your friend will understand.
Author Chris715 Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 (edited) How will you feel afterwards if you do? If you truly need to, I am sure your friend will understand. Probably pretty ****ty to be honest. But seriously, how could anyone expect me to have fun going to that? Would you really want to go if you were in that situation? I'd be surprised if I got through the night without having a panic attack with the way my mental state's been lately. Edited December 6, 2013 by Chris715 1
GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Yikes, I agree if you still feel this bad on Saturday morning I would definitely opt out of the birthday event. Feeling like the 5th wheel s*cks. Feel better soon my friend. I am coming down with a cold It may be me posting soon enough how miserable I am feeling too.
AnyaNova Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Probably pretty ****ty to be honest. But seriously, how could anyone expect me to have fun going to that? Would you really want to go if you were in that situation? I'd be surprised if I got through the night without having a panic attack with the way my mental state's been lately. I wasn't trying to steer you one way or the other. but generally I find in life a much more useful question for deciding what to do is to ask ho w you will feel after, not during, said activity. I say, while posting here, and feeling more miserable than I should over a stupid thing, when I need to go write. Which I will. For some reason, when I do take an emotional hit, I tend to take awhile before I can calm down enough to do stuff. I wish I could change that. I just had an idea. An interesting one.
Author Chris715 Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 Yikes, I agree if you still feel this bad on Saturday morning I would definitely opt out of the birthday event. Feeling like the 5th wheel s*cks. Feel better soon my friend. I am coming down with a cold It may be me posting soon enough how miserable I am feeling too. That sucks, I just got over a cold that knocked me down for a few weeks, so I feel your pain Hope you're back on your feet soon. 1
Author Chris715 Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 For some reason, when I do take an emotional hit, I tend to take awhile before I can calm down enough to do stuff. I wish I could change that. I just had an idea. An interesting one. Well what is it? Don't leave us hanging!
AnyaNova Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Well what is it? Don't leave us hanging! Actually, I posted a thread about it in the self-improvement section. Has to do with a comparison or at least a metaphorical one between heart health and the time it takes to recover from exercise and emotional health and the time it takes to recover from an emotional upset.
Canadiangirl78 Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Hi Chris, I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I could be wrong here but this birthday of your friends that is coming up on Saturday, I would suggest going to it. This is part of pushing through how you're feeling. What if you go and end up having a good time? Try not to look at it as a "couples" gathering but rather being there to celebrate a friends birthday. Commit yourself to even just going for an hour and see how you feel. Let your friend know ahead of time that you may need to duck out early so if you are feeling really bad then you just leave. If you stay home you are only going to feel the same way. Try going and having some fun! It might do you good to get out and be around friends and hopefully forget, even if only for a little while how bad you feel. Ultimately you need to do what feels right for you, but what do you have to lose by going? 1
Author Chris715 Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 Hi Chris, I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I could be wrong here but this birthday of your friends that is coming up on Saturday, I would suggest going to it. This is part of pushing through how you're feeling. What if you go and end up having a good time? Try not to look at it as a "couples" gathering but rather being there to celebrate a friends birthday. Commit yourself to even just going for an hour and see how you feel. Let your friend know ahead of time that you may need to duck out early so if you are feeling really bad then you just leave. If you stay home you are only going to feel the same way. Try going and having some fun! It might do you good to get out and be around friends and hopefully forget, even if only for a little while how bad you feel. Ultimately you need to do what feels right for you, but what do you have to lose by going? Hi, thanks for your reply. I'm pretty torn to be honest, not that this is any big deal or anything in the grand scheme of things. So yes, I do realize I'm really just psyching myself up for nothing. Probably will come down to a day time decision on Saturday though. I'll see how I'm feeling then and in the meantime I won't rule anything out.
Author Chris715 Posted December 8, 2013 Author Posted December 8, 2013 Well, dinner's in about an hour and everyone still really wants me to go. Feeling awful with tons of anxiety right about now, and for no good reason either. Pretty sad this is what I'm reduced to now, an anxious wreck over some little social occasion.
GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 Hi Chris wondered if you decided to go and if so how was it?
Author Chris715 Posted December 8, 2013 Author Posted December 8, 2013 (edited) I did end up going and it was OK. A couple of her friends there were single and also a couple of our mutual single friends were there as well, so it was not quite the "couple's night" I had been dreading For whatever reason though I'm still getting stressed out in these social situations, even when it's with people that I mostly know. I think it's just an effect of my ongoing depression and anxiety that's caused some social anxiety to surface. Definitely doesn't help with meeting new women. Still, definitely made for a better Saturday night then if I had elected to just stay home. So I'm relieved I got through this night, now I need to start getting these things under control. Edited December 8, 2013 by Chris715 2
BOREDouttaMymind Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 interesting how we as humans tend to look at the negative. you do realize that when I read your posts, I saw many strengths in you? youre ADMITING your faults. youre owning up to things you could change. youre already 50 steps ahead of 90% of the world, because at least YOURE accepting the truth of your life. realize this, and things will start to change for you.
Canadiangirl78 Posted December 8, 2013 Posted December 8, 2013 Hi Chris! I was so happy to read that you did decide to go to the party and I'm glad you enjoyed yourself! You deserve to have some fun. You're doing great Chris and I hope you know that.. Being able to push through your feelings and go celebrate with your friend is a huge step, even if it feels small. You've got a lot of people here pulling for you and we all want the best for you and want to see you do great things! Chin up my friend, you're doing fantastic! 2
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