False hope after speaking to a mutual friend. How do I kill it fast?

[LostOne08]

Earlier today, I spoke to a friend of mine. This person and I have been friends for almost two decades. He is the person who introduced me to my ex and he's largely the reason that she and I started dating. As I mentioned, my friend and I have too much history for me to completely cut him out of my life. So he contacted me to make plans about hanging out sometime in the near future. Despite a pretty weak attempt on my end to not bring my ex up, she came up. He had seen her recently and although she didn't share any details, he was aware we had broken up. He asked me if I had spoken to her and I told him no, that the last time we talked she didn't want to speak with me for the time being. Curiosity got the better of me and I asked him how she was when he saw her, he said fine. He said she seemed to be pretty heavily invested into a hobby of hers suddenly to the point he found it strange. I was aware of this, but pretended I had no knowledge of what she was up to. He said he doesn't believe she's seeing anyone right now. Which, fine, it's not my business if she is.

 

The worst part of the conversation was that he asked me what happened. Trying my best not to drag him into it, I told him that I wasn't sure. That all I knew was that she didn't want to be with me. He told me, "you don't know if that's true". And I said, "I know it's true for right now." We basically stopped talking about her after he made the comment, "I thought she really liked you." To which I responded, "I thought so, too." As I said, he (and his wife) are closer to my ex recently and they've had a lot of conversations between the three of them about us during our relationship. I know this was a conversation I shouldn't have even engaged in, but I still have feelings for this woman and I had a moment of weakness.

 

I'm not sure why, but the conversation has given me a small sliver of false hope and I want to kill it off. RIGHT NOW. Reason why? My ex told me when we broke up that she wasn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone right now. That she was too hurt from previous experiences. I know that she had some terrible relationships previous to me. She also told me that she never felt a spark between us like she had in other relationships. I've gone through the whole cycle of believing her and not believing her. But, for my friend to tell me she's thrown herself into a hobby and is focused completely on that and that he believes she had strong feelings for me, it has me wondering. Maybe she really hasn't ever dealt with the pain of her previous relationships and maybe she did have feelings for me. Maybe if I let her heal, she'll show up again down the road. I know this is really unhealthy to start thinking like this, so how do I kill these thoughts off?

[LostConfused123]

I really wish I had better advice. . . LOL!

What I personally do is focus (or try to) on his faults or imagine a hellish life with him, had he not ended it. . . Probably not the healthiest thing to do??? but it does work sometimes.

 

Hang in there. I'm sure any minute someone will come along with better advice. . Ha ha!

A lot of experienced and smart people here.

 

Best of luck to you!

[OnTheRightPath]

It sounds to me that she told you the truth when she broke up with you. Considering she threw herself into a hobby, it sounds as if she is focusing on herself right now and that she really wasn't ready to be in a relationship with anyone. If that is the case, then maybe she just wouldn't have felt that "spark" with anyone right now.

 

I say just let her figure herself out and heal and maybe there will be a chance for you guys in the future. The key is to keep moving forward with your life though as if you will not be with her again. That way, it's a win-win situation.......you may meet someone new and live happily ever after or you may be surprised someday if you hear from her again when she is in a better place and more sure of herself.

 

Nobody can see the future (even though some claim they can....lol) so just keep enjoying life and stay positive.

[elbe]

What does a sliver of hope mean when it's to get back with someone you are incompatible with?

 

That's like hoping there's a chance you'll get a job interview that you won't ever get hired for.

[LostConfused123]

Oh see!!!!

Great responses!!! told ya!

 

Best of luck to you!

[smuggy95]

i needed this. going through a VERY similar story- no spark, nice gal, wondering if the spark will suddenly appear one day.

I don't want to wonder that! I am going to do what Lost Confused does and just imagine a life where we slowly grow apart and live just as platonic roommates and grow to resent each other. In fact, i'll write it out as a journal entry- make it more real to me.

And be glad she was honest enough to stop that.

 

And yes! It's like a job interview you won't be hired for. Why waste time?!?

 

Love you guys! This was just what i needed.