letsplaygofish2 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I'm trying to rationalize my breakup and have been reading several articles on narcissism. A lot of the traits listed under NPD don't really apply to my ex, however the some of those traits such as blaming, lack of empathy and self-awareness do exist. Long story short: He is 38, has a PhD in Psychology (ironic!!!!), is unemployed but has failed professionally several times due to lack of self-esteem and sometimes confidence. Because I've always been his cheerleader, he always gets back up, but then falls down again. I am emotionally available, but I am not submissive and not self-denigrating. I own my own business, am seen as a though leader and am very well respected in my business community. I see a therapist regularly. If anything, my ex was very impressed with my accolades and always spoke very highly of me. We broke up because he constantly runs away and blames me (and everyone else) for his problems. He is currently unemployed, lost all his friends and is living on his last few pennies. The narcissistic patterns didn't manifest until 2 months ago when we started having problems where he couldn't get off his ass to work. We never argued during our 11 months together, but our problems mainly lied with his self-esteem and ability to get work. OK, so back to the article. I, too, don't fall under the same category as the typical narcissistic spouse since it says that the spouse of a narcissist is usually submissive, available and self-denigrating partner. I know that he and I don't fit the general narcissistic patterns, but is it possible for someone to develop temporary narcissistic patterns? Our last conversation was him blaming me for his failures, saying that people are going to see through me sooner or later and that I should see a psychiatrist. All of which really should be applied to himself.. What do you think? And before you say I need to just forget it and move on, stop whining, please understand that this is how I process things. I like to understand how the human mind works. That way I can improve myself What makes a narcissist a loser & failure Spouse of a narcissist
lop98 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 We all become narcissistic after we're hit straight into our vulnerability during a separation. And we all try to define and reduce the ex hoping that will pull us through the pain, it works, just like being on the attack does, but only for a limited a time... after a while you have to continue healing and focusing on no one but yourself, learning from the relationship and taking responsibility, because it's 50/50. Always. Whether he's severely flawed and socially dysfunctional and you're a walking success with endless professional qualities is unimportant as the only thing that matters now is what you still have and how you take that into the future. 3
Kansas87 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 To me it sounds more like he's depressed than narcissistic.
rec88 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Sounds more like a spat of immaturity. Mid life crisis maybe? NPD is not a common personality disorder, despite what many posters on here would have you believe. Also, the main causal factors are emotional imbalance/abuse as children. For it to suddenly manifest itself suddenly in his late thirties seems strange. It's hard to understand the cause and effect relationship from your post. Did losing his job, friends come before this behavior? Or the other way around? Maybe read the G.I.G.S. thread and see if that matches his behavior a little better. I understand the desire to understand. Hope you find the answer. 1
Author letsplaygofish2 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 You're absolutely right. My professional qualities don't really mean anything. As far as his tantrums go, I've had several conversations with friends who say I am not at fault and that he has issues. Some of my colleagues and clients have seen him act out, but nonetheless they still respect me. I know he must be going through some sort of depression, because I saw glimpses of it. He tried SO hard to work through it and I was always encouraging of the activities that would open new doors. Anyway, I just got an email from him. When I found him on OKCupid just 3 days ago, I confronted him about how hurtful it was. He continued to belittle and blame me, so I finally decided to leave him alone and remove all traces including removing his website. Obviously he is over-reacting via his email below, but how should I respond? Had he asked nicely I would have put the site back up... We spent days working on this website together and after all of this I'm still in love with the idiot. If you don't put my website back up in the next 24 hours I will file small claims against you. You had no right to delete my website. I offered to pay you and you said no. I also took you out to dinner to thank you for your time. Please remember that I also spent a considerable amount of time writing the text...days actually. It's up to you. Please be advised that the cost will be for someone to make the whole thing over.
Author letsplaygofish2 Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 He lost his tenure as a professor. Has been unemployed for several years. I've been trying to help him find a new career since academia isn't his thing (not sure what happened there), so with each new endeavor, he seems to shoot himself in the foot by these little emotional tantrums. When I met him, he had few friends and we made new ones together. He always said he was so grateful for me inviting him out to new places and opportunities. As far as GIGS goes, not really sure. Three days ago when I confronted him, he said he would have married me and settled down if I was emotionally stable. My thoughts are that he is severely hurt, confused, thinks he doesn't need anyone in his life. He ran away from our relationship and lashed out at our friends. He might think that the grass is greener, but it took him 2 years to meet someone like me. He professed that this is unlike any relationship he's ever had. Dunno what to think of this.
GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 Sounds an awful lot like my ex who does have NPD. Blaming others, blaming you, lack of friends, depression, inability to hold a job etc etc.. and like you I was in the beginning 'emotionally available, but I am not submissive and not self-denigrating' The fact your relationship was only 11-months to me is a blessing, this means he did not have the time to erode your self-esteem which does happen over time. By the end of my 5 plus years with my ex, I didn't recognize myself anymore. I have come a long way since then. You are a LOT smarter than I was because I am a people-pleaser and too loyal for my own good, I stayed far too long with a man who is still determined to bring me down. I would let his troubles be his and not yours. We women tend to want to help the people we care about and those kinds of guys (NPD or not) know this. In the end it doesn't matter what's wrong with him, only matters that you heal from this. 3
Author letsplaygofish2 Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 @GeneralJennyJenn, how do you think I should respond to his email? I want to get it over with... but part of me wants to teach him a lesson for lashing out. He CC'ed several of our friends, one of whom is a lawyer. They both told me to ignore him because you shouldn't give people like that any attention. What's the best way to handle this thing I mentioned above? Anyway, I just got an email from him. When I found him on OKCupid just 3 days ago, I confronted him about how hurtful it was. He continued to belittle and blame me, so I finally decided to leave him alone and remove all traces including removing his website. Obviously he is over-reacting via his email below, but how should I respond? Had he asked nicely I would have put the site back up... We spent days working on this website together and after all of this I'm still in love with the idiot. If you don't put my website back up in the next 24 hours I will file small claims against you. You had no right to delete my website. I offered to pay you and you said no. I also took you out to dinner to thank you for your time. Please remember that I also spent a considerable amount of time writing the text...days actually. It's up to you. Please be advised that the cost will be for someone to make the whole thing over.
GeneralJennyJenn Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 His email does not dignify a response on your behalf. Don't make the same mistakes I did and let your heart strings be yanked by this guy. He made his bed, let him lie in it. 1
bobby326 Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Maybe he blames you because he's egotistical? I've met a lot of people in my life that will always blame someone else or something else for their shortcomings. I know you said he lacks confidence but maybe only in some areas, he must have been fairly confident to achieve a PHD. My situation is COMPLETELY different but my ex never acknowledged any of her mistakes or negative traits tha contributed to our breakup. She lives her life in a way that does not allow her to be independent, she believes she is but she is completely broke, does not take care of normal obligations such as bills, insurance etc simply because she does not feel like it and she just wants to have fun. She will need something catastrophic to happen to her before she realizes that she needs to grow the **** up and needs to take responsibility for her actions/mistakes. She lives with her parents now and may move out eventually but will be totally unprepared.
Recommended Posts