views on this

[why oh why]

Hi new here and really low right now would like you views on this

 

married for 9 years.....we Three kids

 

i have no family ....i am on my own now

 

my marriage has been going down hill for several years,its like we were like brother and sister than man and wife.....if you know what i mean.

 

she would argue with me for the slightest thing,everything was always my fault....you try and talk about stuff....her answer was always well .....you need to decide what you want.....things are the way they are or you leave ...why do you always want me to change??? that was her reply.

i have said ok i am at fault for somethings ....but its not just me at fault its you too......her reply is well you wanna blame me fine!!!

 

there was no affection apart from a kiss goodnight......sleeping in the same bed was like having a wall between us,she had no sex drive what so ever ,been like that for 5 years or so.....down to medication.....sex was once a year maybe.. yes it was a problem but not for her......she was never interested about trying to do anything about it,or see my side of things....its her way or nothing

 

then one day we was both in the house she was upstairs and she txt me saying she was going to find her and the kids somewhere to live...we was renting a house......,she said she dont love me dont need me and nothing i say is going to change it.......and she wants to be on her own from now on.

she said there isnt anyone else......you got to want to have sex to cheat!! and i dont !!

 

had to stay in the same house for a while as couldnt afford to pay the rent there and find somewhere else too......it was hell.....slept in another room

 

after 11 yrs together and buliding a home ...i left her with everything i left with with my clothes and my car when i found somewhere to live...she stayed there in the house with the kids....she does not work or ever has in the time we have been together (she is on sick benefit )

 

the day after i moved out she said i dont want you coming in here etc......if you come for the kids sound the car horn

 

a couple of weeks later her car broke.....major problem very costly which she couldnt afford to be fixed.....asked me would i fix it as i could and at a quarter of the price.....i fixed it

the only thing thats been ok is every time i have asked to see the kids i have she has never said no

 

her attitude towards me was still the same.....5 weeks later she had to move out of the house we was renting into a new property.......didnt have the money to pay for a removal company......so me and a friend moved her into the new place.....didnt leave everything in boxes etc.....helped to sort each room out took 2 days...while i was there moving stuff she was fine with me,got on really well.......asked her a couple of days later how do we do things now since we seem to be ok.....her reply was i was nice to you cause you was moving me!!!.....nothing has changed......if you call to pick up the kids just sound the car horn! like before......she said i need to settle in my new home....and your asking questions!!!

 

 

at the moment life is hell......what would you do???

[Zoe Lilith]

Hi new here and really low right now would like you views on this

 

married for 9 years.....we Three kids

 

i have no family ....i am on my own now

 

my marriage has been going down hill for several years,its like we were like brother and sister than man and wife.....if you know what i mean.

 

she would argue with me for the slightest thing,everything was always my fault....you try and talk about stuff....her answer was always well .....you need to decide what you want.....things are the way they are or you leave ...why do you always want me to change??? that was her reply.

i have said ok i am at fault for somethings ....but its not just me at fault its you too......her reply is well you wanna blame me fine!!!

 

there was no affection apart from a kiss goodnight......sleeping in the same bed was like having a wall between us,she had no sex drive what so ever ,been like that for 5 years or so.....down to medication.....sex was once a year maybe.. yes it was a problem but not for her......she was never interested about trying to do anything about it,or see my side of things....its her way or nothing

 

then one day we was both in the house she was upstairs and she txt me saying she was going to find her and the kids somewhere to live...we was renting a house......,she said she dont love me dont need me and nothing i say is going to change it.......and she wants to be on her own from now on.

she said there isnt anyone else......you got to want to have sex to cheat!! and i dont !!

 

had to stay in the same house for a while as couldnt afford to pay the rent there and find somewhere else too......it was hell.....slept in another room

 

after 11 yrs together and buliding a home ...i left her with everything i left with with my clothes and my car when i found somewhere to live...she stayed there in the house with the kids....she does not work or ever has in the time we have been together (she is on sick benefit )

 

the day after i moved out she said i dont want you coming in here etc......if you come for the kids sound the car horn

 

a couple of weeks later her car broke.....major problem very costly which she couldnt afford to be fixed.....asked me would i fix it as i could and at a quarter of the price.....i fixed it

the only thing thats been ok is every time i have asked to see the kids i have she has never said no

 

her attitude towards me was still the same.....5 weeks later she had to move out of the house we was renting into a new property.......didnt have the money to pay for a removal company......so me and a friend moved her into the new place.....didnt leave everything in boxes etc.....helped to sort each room out took 2 days...while i was there moving stuff she was fine with me,got on really well.......asked her a couple of days later how do we do things now since we seem to be ok.....her reply was i was nice to you cause you was moving me!!!.....nothing has changed......if you call to pick up the kids just sound the car horn! like before......she said i need to settle in my new home....and your asking questions!!!

 

 

at the moment life is hell......what would you do???

 

She might be involved with someone who is boosting her self esteem and being "there for her", it doesn't mean that she is having sexual relationship with that someone, but she is emotionally somewhere else ..I hope things will work out for the two of you. Good luck.

[Canadiangirl78]

Well first off, don't do her anymore favors that's forsure. With the whole helping her move thing..It amazes me how some people forget or simply chose to not have any manners and use two simple words that mean a lot..thank you. It's hard though because your kids are involved so I'm sure you want them to have a safe car to ride in and help get them moved to their new home. BUT, that sort of stuff is really no longer your concern. If she wanted to be in her own, let her be! That includes moving HER stuff, fixing her own car etc. She wanted to end this thing so it's time for her to put her big girl pants on and do it in her own. And her saying she was being nice only because you were helping to move her?! Yuck, I hate people with no manners or appreciation of the things someone does for them.

 

Stay focused on your kids and yourself. Don't talk to her about ANYTHING besides the children. And if she needs something off the top shelf and can't reach and calls you to do it...tell her to do it her damn self! Take care of yourself and post here whenever you need to, people here are ahhhmazing!

[d0nnivain]

Keep doing things that are good for your children: Making sure they have a roof over their head, & mom has a safe car to take them around in.

 

Try to distance yourself from her & do what she asks about honking the horn when you want the kids.

 

She sounds like a bit of a user but still, the kids have to come 1st.

[Sparky9]

Sorry to hear you are going through this.

 

First of all, make sure you are available for your kids...any time!! They are what is important now.

 

Next, distance yourself from your ex...only contact you should have, and need to have, is for the kids. You should no longer be there for her.

 

It really sounds to me, this may have been an inevitable end. Little to no affection, fighting etc...sounds like you were both miserable.

 

Take care, and live for you and your kids. Get yourself healed up ...find a good counselor if that is an option...they do help!! Good luck.

[why oh why]

Thanks for your advice

Would you say have no contact with her whatsoever?

She said she a few weeks ago she wanted space which is hard to do when I had to msg here about kids etc

 

She said in a text to me the other day.....you need time to adjust being on your own and so do I so I guess .....her mind is made up and its over for good

 

Not sure in having no contact will just play into how she wants it

[Sparky9]

Hate to put it this way, but if that's the way she wants it... That's the way it's going to be. It takes both parties in a relationship to make it work. If one is gone...there is no relationship.

 

As far as no contact whatsoever, I wish it was that easy. With kids, that is an impossibility. I'm in the same boat as you. Been split for a month now, but have to have contact with my ex because of children. If there was zero contact, things would be much easier.

[headinthecloud]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. You sound like you have a good heart and it's always unfair when things you don't want to happen, happen.

 

It sounds like your needs weren't getting met in the relationship. When couples argue it's usually because one person's, or both, needs in life aren't being met. And sometimes it has nothing to do with you personally, sometimes it's just dealing with life itself. The trouble is most people don't communicate with each other well because they are not aware of what is making them unhappy, they only take it out on their partner. It happens a lot.

 

I agree with the other posters, limit contact with the ex to kid related matters only. Making sure they have a roof and a safe car are important so don't feel badly about helping; you did the right thing. But you should be less available for her. Seperation and divorce is very hard on the kids so try to focus your energy on what you can do to talk them through it. Teach them how to deal with the emotions they are feeling and show them ways on how to cope with those emotions. As a parent, that's the greatest gift you can teach your kids - how to deal with their emotions.

 

The hard part is over, you're now separated. It's time to start taking care of you and your life. Start to get healthy. Eat right, exercise, and take up a new hobby (e.g. Learn to play guitar or go hiking). Go out with friends. Whatever you do, move forward and keep busy. Only time will heal. If you work at it, 6 months from now you'll be a lot happier. And post here as often as you need. There's a ton of great advice and people are pretty wonderful.

 

You can do it. Be strong and believe in yourself. This will pass.

[why oh why]

My needs were never important to her....its how it is was here reply to everything

 

Right now I'm finding it very hard today text her about the kids and got not reply

Feel like its just going to get worse no matter what I say it do or don't do like NC

[Sparky9]

It's going to get worse, and it will probably end up getting ugly. Be the bigger person...make sure your kids come first!!

 

You have a long hard road ahead of you... Keep your chin up and good things will happen. Things will get better

[headinthecloud]

I agree with Sparky. No matter how you behave, or what you do, things are going to get worse . This is your time to start investing time and energy into you and getting healthy. Try to accept that she will make it very hard on you. Because your kids are the most important keep in mind she cannot keep you from spending time with your kids. If you havent worked out a visitation schedule then do that right away.

 

Start getting healthy and try not to dwell on how terrible she is being. Try to think only of how you are and what you can do to make this better for yourself.

[Simplysimon]

I'm 46, I know my stuff and have been there.

She has stopped loving you so you have deal with that. She thinks that she has got to a point in her life where, this it, this is what my life will be from now on and forever, a mom, a wife and finds it not enough. She blames you feels there's more to life and wants the opportunity to go get it.

Listen it's hard as hell dealing with this. Took me 2 years to get thru it. Stopped feeling suicidal after 10 months. It ain't gonna be easy.

Do not contemplate ever going back. If it works it won't last. If your going to divorce just do it as cheap as you can. Cost me 170,000 dollars. I'm in Europe so unsure how it works in the states.

So...she may have post natal depression it can last forever but it seems she's become hypergamous to the extreme. Don't fight it.

Why be with someone who makes you unhappy and no matter what you think she ain't making you happy.

Do what's necessary for your kids and move on. No secret formula, no contact game is for teens, this is real. Get out and stay out.

Let me say this. She's not the only woman who can make you happy I guaranty it. And she's not making you happy. No sex, no love no passion. Your going to suffer, cry it out, but move on she's no good at all for you.

Get dating, get fit and get happy forgetting and getting over her. I'm with you all the way man.

One thing I will leave you with is that one day the phone will ring because she got it wrong. She will find out that boring can be cool. She will ask you back and you will say.....no thanks. What goes around comes around...you will see...tell her ...babe you want time you want space ...you rake as long as you like I'm gone....and mean it...

[why oh why]

Wise words everyone thanks for your thoughts and advice

 

I have started NC I just think it will help me try get through this..I also think it will get worse much worse

As for dating.....no interest now isn't the time

Simon ......you are so very right what you said.......just hard when it was the perfect marriage and soulmate......but that was so long ago

[why oh why]

Think its going to be a very hard Xmas and only 3 weeks away and Dont even know if I will see my kids Christmas day ....she hasnt said anything and my youngest keeps asking me ......he said to me the other day.....Dont want you to be on your own its Christmas.....and dad can I live with you when I'm older?? At the moment its my kids that's keeping me going

 

I asked her several weeks ago were did it all go wrong.....she said I stopped making her happy.....I can remember her saying to me.......I would never leave you ever I love you to much! How things have changed.

[Sparky9]

This is a very rough time to have this happen. I'm having a hard time keeping myself motivated to do anything, but sit in my recliner. I'm tired of crying out of the blue...I know it will get better...it will get better for you as well.

 

Continue posting and reading here...it has helped me immensely.

[loveiswar101]

Hey buddy, wow sounds just like what happened to me 6 years back. Same time of year, 3 kids (at time youngest 8 months) and boom 10 years down the popper. I will get alot worse I'm afraid. But what will drive you that drove me is the kids. They should come first. The only contact you have with her should be about them. Try and organize xmas day so you can go half day each or something.

 

Less contact with her better for you. Kids Kids Kids. Then YOU YOU YOU.

 

I really wanted my ex back then found out another guy, anger, pain flooded in but hey 6 years on and still alive.

 

Keep fighting

[why oh why]

day 3 of no contact long road ahead.....but im kinda ok

yes trying to just think of my kids and keep them happy.......been reading through the contact we have had since i moved out ....and to be honest there has been quiet a lot.....so to be honest she not really had space and time alone......(been stuff to sort out with the rented house she was still in etc)

lots of the txt msg its like everything is ok can chat about stuff ....there is one were i ask.....are you ok me coming in the house when i get the kids..she says its not a problem.......then for no reason it changes

 

she also said stuff like....if i do a favour for you its cause i can not for wanting you back etc.......i asked her on a different day do you think we could try again?

( this was in october) we split up 2 months before .....she said its way to early to say....right now...No

you will never be who i wanted you to be and its changed me too.....i need space and time to regain who i was

im not saying wait for me...if you meet someone and your happy i will be happy for you...right now i want to be on my own

i may fall in love with you again.....no body knows the future

 

what do you think???

 

i had sent some msg saying stuff like... i miss you and wish it was differant and will always love you........but she never ever replied when i sent them.......so stopped.

 

right now im well aware its not going anywhere and prob wont change....and like most people have said on here its going to get worse.

Edited December 7, 2013 by why oh why

[loveiswar101]

Should take my own advice and try not to read to much in to the text messages etc. Her emotions at time of those messages would be all over the place.

 

My last BU with my girl (now on BU 2 same girl) I was weak, got upset and texted I loved her and everything, wrote a letter, got me no where. Did take her out for dinner and to be honest got her back for 3 months and now back to square one.

 

If she wants you back it will only be after her space as been adhered to and she want to try again because she loves u and misses u. It's a nightmare but trust me we are both in pain now and will be for a while.

 

As say kids first then you.

[why oh why]

loveiswar.....your so right both in pain and like many others

 

never an easy fix our situations are very much the same

[why oh why]

well got to 4 days of NC and it all went down hill

 

i was at her parents....i get on very well with them,i dont think she likes me going to see them now

anyway she arrived with one of our kids too ....got lots of hugs from my son.

i should have just gone the moment she came in the house anyway she sits down says nothing after a few moments i just said ...you ok? i never learn! she says im fine but she seems to be annoyed

 

she then says what are you doing about our oldest child getting her xmas presents...as im not going to be there xmas morning when the present are going to be opened......she hasn't said that im not i just know i wont be.

i just said what ever way you want to do it is fine

 

as soon as i had replied she then gets very angry and says

 

we will discuss this another time!! not in the mood for this now!!

its started to get worse.

[Sparky9]

Though you may get along with her parents...realize, those are her parents. Either way, they should be standing behind her, whether or not they agree with the situation

 

I got along with my ex's family better than my own...it's been a hard pill to swallow to break contact with them as well...but for healing, and giving her the space she wants...it's needed.