I wonder if it'll ever fully go away

[BUBS]

I try to only post to the forum now a days when I'm feeling good. I don't want to mislead any of the new commers here into thinking that after over a year of being broken up with my ex fiance that its just as bad as day one. I know that updates like that from others really threw me for a loop when I first came to these boards.

 

Time does help... I just am not sure exactly how much of that is healing, and how much of it is simply forgetting and getting swept up into the daily routine. I have more good days than bad... usually I have more or less bad moments, or hours. Still it's discouraging that I still dream about him often... that speaking with him about my dog or getting my things back once every few months cripples me as much as it used to.

 

The past month or so it has been bad. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that I am in a new relationship with someone else. I made it clear to this person that I wasn't over my ex. But I knew that I needed to make an effort to show myself that I could at the very least enjoy the company of someone else.

 

Of course what everyone warns you about is true. You do compare if you aren't over your ex... and in so many ways the new one never wins that comparison. I do have moments of severe anxiety when I realize that my ex is dating a woman 15 years older than he is, that has a child that looks like shes nearly a preteen. I miss him often, and I miss the life I had with him often.

 

In so many ways "rebounding" into this relationship has been good for me. It's certainly a confidence booster, and its nice to focus my attention onto someone other than myself for a change. But I think the comparing is ruining me. Not just comparing him with my ex, or me with my ex fiances new girlfriend... but comparing my life now, to my ex's life.

 

The person I'm with is 4 years younger than me, and it shows. It makes me miss my ex more sometimes because I was already ready for marriage, and building a life and a family with someone. I feel like with the new bf, that possibility is nonexistent since he is far from ready for any of that. He's still young, and while its enjoyable and fun... there is a part of me that feels childish for getting involved.

 

My ex is dating a woman over a decade older than him who owns her own company, he has our business, and a home, and is now caring for her child I'd assume. Meanwhile, I'm unemployed, living with my grandmother because I can't afford the car we purchased before we broke up, dating a 21 year old boy, and in many ways I feel like I'm going backwards.

 

The new bf is great. He surprised me in many ways after years of being friends with one another, he seems to genuinely care and displays some maturity and promise. However I don't think I'm capable of giving myself to anyone like I did my ex ever again.

 

My friends try to reassure me that there's no way my ex's new relationship will stand the test of time. But that doesn't mean anything to me. I just want to let him go to enjoy his life, and more importantly for me to enjoy mine. But I don't know how to do that. After well over a year, I still feel that I think about him too often and feel pain over it too often. Especially since I am constantly with my boyfriend.

 

I guess what brings me to the boards despite the need for support is opinions. I know that I love my ex unconditionally, and my journey has been more accepting the fact that I cant erase the love I've had for him for the past 11 years, nor can I change the fact that I could possibly love him the rest of my life... but a part of me wonders if a lot of the pain and frustration I feel is also related to the fact that his life seems better than mine. He was left with very little change, and all the choice... the only thing he lost was me. I lost everything that I wanted, and everything I worked for.

 

I thought that after a year I would be doing amazing things. I've read so many inspirational stories on here about people losing tons of weight, traveling, finding the loves of their lives, buying homes and getting promotions after their heartbreak... but I haven't achieved anything. I'm almost 25, still in community college and barely getting by, with a 21 year old boyfriend, living off my grandmothers dime. I'm trying so hard to do better... but I feel like I'm going no where... and I feel like the last time I had anything was when I was with my ex. I miss being with him, I miss the life I had when we were together. I don't know what to do anymore.

[Nyclovin]

Every once in a while we have to give ourselves a break and not be too hard on ourselves . The past year aaa undoubtly full of regrets , self loathing and harsh judgments about yourself from yourself. Try being at peace with who you are and where you are in life. You will get where you are going in the end. Just be the best person you can be and the only way you can do that is by completely letting go of the ex 100%. It may take 2 3 10 years, who knows , but it doesn't matter as long as you get closer each and everyday.... Let him go... Because he is gone. And that's okay.

[Jules78]

I try to only post to the forum now a days when I'm feeling good. I don't want to mislead any of the new commers here into thinking that after over a year of being broken up with my ex fiance that its just as bad as day one. I know that updates like that from others really threw me for a loop when I first came to these boards.

 

Time does help... I just am not sure exactly how much of that is healing, and how much of it is simply forgetting and getting swept up into the daily routine. I have more good days than bad... usually I have more or less bad moments, or hours. Still it's discouraging that I still dream about him often... that speaking with him about my dog or getting my things back once every few months cripples me as much as it used to.

 

The past month or so it has been bad. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that I am in a new relationship with someone else. I made it clear to this person that I wasn't over my ex. But I knew that I needed to make an effort to show myself that I could at the very least enjoy the company of someone else.

 

Of course what everyone warns you about is true. You do compare if you aren't over your ex... and in so many ways the new one never wins that comparison. I do have moments of severe anxiety when I realize that my ex is dating a woman 15 years older than he is, that has a child that looks like shes nearly a preteen. I miss him often, and I miss the life I had with him often.

 

In so many ways "rebounding" into this relationship has been good for me. It's certainly a confidence booster, and its nice to focus my attention onto someone other than myself for a change. But I think the comparing is ruining me. Not just comparing him with my ex, or me with my ex fiances new girlfriend... but comparing my life now, to my ex's life.

 

The person I'm with is 4 years younger than me, and it shows. It makes me miss my ex more sometimes because I was already ready for marriage, and building a life and a family with someone. I feel like with the new bf, that possibility is nonexistent since he is far from ready for any of that. He's still young, and while its enjoyable and fun... there is a part of me that feels childish for getting involved.

 

My ex is dating a woman over a decade older than him who owns her own company, he has our business, and a home, and is now caring for her child I'd assume. Meanwhile, I'm unemployed, living with my grandmother because I can't afford the car we purchased before we broke up, dating a 21 year old boy, and in many ways I feel like I'm going backwards.

 

The new bf is great. He surprised me in many ways after years of being friends with one another, he seems to genuinely care and displays some maturity and promise. However I don't think I'm capable of giving myself to anyone like I did my ex ever again.

 

My friends try to reassure me that there's no way my ex's new relationship will stand the test of time. But that doesn't mean anything to me. I just want to let him go to enjoy his life, and more importantly for me to enjoy mine. But I don't know how to do that. After well over a year, I still feel that I think about him too often and feel pain over it too often. Especially since I am constantly with my boyfriend.

 

I guess what brings me to the boards despite the need for support is opinions. I know that I love my ex unconditionally, and my journey has been more accepting the fact that I cant erase the love I've had for him for the past 11 years, nor can I change the fact that I could possibly love him the rest of my life... but a part of me wonders if a lot of the pain and frustration I feel is also related to the fact that his life seems better than mine. He was left with very little change, and all the choice... the only thing he lost was me. I lost everything that I wanted, and everything I worked for.

 

I thought that after a year I would be doing amazing things. I've read so many inspirational stories on here about people losing tons of weight, traveling, finding the loves of their lives, buying homes and getting promotions after their heartbreak... but I haven't achieved anything. I'm almost 25, still in community college and barely getting by, with a 21 year old boyfriend, living off my grandmothers dime. I'm trying so hard to do better... but I feel like I'm going no where... and I feel like the last time I had anything was when I was with my ex. I miss being with him, I miss the life I had when we were together. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

Comparison is the thief of JOY! You cannot judge what someone else's life is like based on the few details you know about them. You have no idea what he, she or they are going through at any given time. Comparing yourself to her, your new bf to your ex and your new relationship to theirs is only going to kill your self-esteem. You are only damaging yourself. I totally understand because I've done it and I can tell you that it changed NOTHING! It only consumed my life, made me depressed, left me with zero self-esteem and stole my joy!

 

Try to remember that if you continously compete with others, you become bitter. If you continously compete with yourself, you become BETTER! You have accomplished things and you still are! You are in school which is great! You are lucky to have a grandmother to live with. Try to think of what you do have and not what you don't have.

 

11 years is a long time. It's only been one year. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are still so young! You have your entire life ahead of you! There are so many wonderful people in this world. Do not let your imagination of two people destroy you. You are worth so much more than that!!

[mfleck91]

I was about to start a post saying almost this exact same thing. It's been almost a year since my ex of over 4 years left me. I've been with my current gf for almost 5 months now.

 

I too feel that this "rebound" helped me in several ways, it took away the worst of the depression over the breakup, it boosted my confidence, and it gave me something else to focus on.

 

Like you I'm dating someone younger, she is 21 but she isn't as mature as I was when I was her age. I have experienced much more in life than she has and it shows. I constantly compare her to my ex....her looks, her maturity, her lifestyle. It's really only started happening this last month or so and it's tearing me and the relationship apart.

 

So I don't know if it will ever fully go away. I see my ex and her bf and I am jealous of their life together. I try to ignore it, I'll have several good days but it sneaks up on me. It's making me doubt the future of my current relationship

[cavalier99]

HEY BUBS!! Great to hear an update from you. Well you sure sound a ton better to me than you did early this year. You were REALLY having a tough time back then.

 

Take some prinde in the fact youve come this far. I think it is great.

 

As far as the rebound just be glad you took a chance to get there but be aware it might not work.

 

I was lucky enought to find a new RS but it wasnt a rebound. I was ready. I guess we all take different paths and time frames to recover. Life moves forward so just keep on going and work on the things you want to improve with your life.

 

STOP comparing. You shouldnt have this info on him anyway. lol Cav

[Lost_Soul_86]

Oh my god, i literally just posted a new thread about this and then stumbled across yours, you literally took the words out of my mouth! I was in a 9 year relationship (i'm 27) ended 11 months ago and have now been in a relationship for 4 months, i compare my ex to the new bf all the time and get so upset when every single time the ex comes out on top which then makes me miss him more!

 

It's so hard to get the past out of your head and try an enjoy life with a new partner i completely understand where your coming from. I did travel and buy a new home after we broke up but believe me i'm still constantly thinking about my ex and wondering if ill ever shake this feeling or if ill ever love somebody as much as i loved him again.

 

Hang in there chick were all just broken birds who will eventually be fixed enough to spread our wings and fly away

[mea_M]

Hi. It's only natural to revisit the past. We are human. Don't be to hard on yourself. As you mentioned, time does help. But remember, time is not the same for everyone. We all move about with healing at our own speed. I'd say post away. Share as much as you're comfortable with. Lots of times writing it out and expressing helps our hearts to heal. My best to you.

 

Mea

Edited January 14, 2014 by mea_M

[seekingpeaceinlove]

Comparison breeds fear. I know it's so difficult not to compare yourself with others but you have to try. We are all traveling down our very own path on our very own journey in life. You have no idea what others are dealing with. Your ex may seem happy but he could be overwhelmed with the new responsibilities in life. Others may look at your life and say, " Ah, what I'd give to be single and young again with no commitments, free to do whatever she pleases."

 

People often want what they cannot have. Look around you when you're out next time. You have no idea what each person may be struggling with, blessed with, what they have or don't have.

 

Focus on what you can do to propel yourself forward. If you really want something, go get it. Focus on that. What do you want? How can you get it? Be patient with yourself but know you have the power to do whatever you want in life.