AlmostFrench Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I know of loads of couples who have split and got back together (actually pretty much every long term couple I know except for those of my parents' age) do you think that it is fate or a certain approach in the way those couples acted? Most stayed friends for a bit, then NC, then improved themselves, then ran into each other down the line and patched things up. If you read back through my older post, you will see we live on different sides of the world, except for the next 5 months I am still in France, so an accidental bump in the future is not likely. It has been 4 months since our initial break up, and although I have accepted it may never be again, I am still in love. It was really true love, not like my past relationships, so I do want to give an effort to get him back. We were together a year and my final conclusion for the breakup was he said he felt there were too many fights (he thinks he can find a relationship with zero disagreements) and he lost his desire to try, his passion, but still cared for me. First I made the classic mistakes, cos we lived together a few weeks after, and he could hear me crying at night. Then I went no contact and ignored his calls and txts asking how I was and what was new in my life. He had started dating someone at this point. I saw him twice after that NC to organize some last things, and these were the 'signs' I received: 1. He kept me there talking for over an hour until I said I had to leave. 2. He looked very sad when I left. 3. He was excited to ask me questions about my life but seemed depressed about his. 4. He asked if I wanted to keep the keys 'just in case' I wanted to come round or didn't feel safe at my new place. 5. He kept staring into my eyes, and checking me out. 6. He said his new date is nothing serious and he is not as involved or in love as he was in the past. 7. He asked me to come to his family Christmas. I said that my upset his new girl and he said he wouldn't bring her and wouldn't tell her. He never acted like that with me, I would have caught him out lying as I have every time he has told a small lie after our break up. Some people say no contact is best, but if you google "torontosnumber1datedoctor" that website says low contact is best. What are your opinions on the best approach for reconciliation? Especially related to if the ex has already started a non serious relationship? Please share your opinions in general, on your situation or past attempts, and whether you think I have hope or I am reading too much into the above signs.
Greenj30 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I personally think you have morr than a chance..just make yourself less available to him and becareful because if he's willing to cheat on his girlfriend hes willing to cheat on you!
Author AlmostFrench Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 Lol he is definitely not a cheater. But that's what I mean by he seems depressed and not himself - he would never have done something like that behind my back. Like I said he is a horrible liar, for example I asked him if he got a birthday present yet and he said no then I saw a new book on his table and said 'that's nice did she get you this?' and he just said oh yeah. I would have caught him out lol. I don't think he is willing to cheat on this new date/girlfriend but he is willing to take me to his family Christmas and not tell her! Which leads me to believe they are obviously not serious because I met his family last Christmas after only a month together. Just wish she would get out of the picture lol! She approached him at a party, she is a friend of a friend so he would have met her before and was never interested. He told me he thought she was not very attractive also so I feel like he just pounced on an opportunity to 'fill the void' so to speak.
Greenj30 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Lol he is definitely not a cheater. But that's what I mean by he seems depressed and not himself - he would never have done something like that behind my back. Like I said he is a horrible liar, for example I asked him if he got a birthday present yet and he said no then I saw a new book on his table and said 'that's nice did she get you this?' and he just said oh yeah. I would have caught him out lol. I don't think he is willing to cheat on this new date/girlfriend but he is willing to take me to his family Christmas and not tell her! Which leads me to believe they are obviously not serious because I met his family last Christmas after only a month together. Just wish she would get out of the picture lol! She approached him at a party, she is a friend of a friend so he would have met her before and was never interested. He told me he thought she was not very attractive also so I feel like he just pounced on an opportunity to 'fill the void' so to speak. What if roles were reversed? Would you want him to go behind yiur back to talk tk and hangout with an ex he has feelings for? That's cheating tk me even if he is in the rebound or nkt that serious the other gal might be. You don't know what her hopes are for the relationship. Also are you sure the initial problems that caused the BU fixed? Have you grown enough to try again?
Author AlmostFrench Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 No I definitely wouldn't want him doing that, and boy did he know it! That was one of the mistakes I realized I made, I was too insecure after having cheating boyfriends in the past. He had told me his other longest relationship, they used to email back and forth but hadn't in months. One day he had given me his password to send some emails for him and I noticed one from her, and that the ones before that were just before he met me. I reacted in totally the wrong way, as they were just basic life update emails, but after that he showed me his phone and all emails and so I realized he really wasn't doing that with me. Yes I agree with you, sorry I thought you meant cheating in the traditional sense like he wanted to sleep with me. That's why I told him I thought she would be upset by that, I was horrified by his answer because why would he do that to her and hasn't to me in the past? I think I have realized the mistakes I made in the relationship, and have been working on myself so I would not make them again with him or another person. Whether he has thou I don't know. One big issue for me was the amount he smoked pot (going from once a week to every night) and he seemed stoned one time I saw him. But I think that ties into his seeming depression seeing as when he broke up with me he locked himself in the apartment smoking weed all day long and said on his vacation he did nothing but sleep every day. I guess I would have to date him again to see if he had changed.
Author AlmostFrench Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 When you say be less available do you mean less than now? I have only contacted him 3 times regarding something of mine he is fixing, clothes I left at his parents and tomorrow he said he will come by to drop off the last of my stuff. What should I do/say when I see him? Just laugh and talk? Ask about his new relationship? Drop a hint I am still interested? I flew off the charts when he went on a date first with this girl a couple of months ago and told him he could never come back to me as a second choice. I regret saying that now cos I feel he may take that literally and never make the first move because of it After I see him tomorrow should I then go NC until he does to be less available?
headinthecloud Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Some people say no contact is best, but if you google "torontosnumber1datedoctor" that website says low contact is best. I wouldn't suggest taking advice from this woman, her "credentials" aren't legitimate so her advice is likely subjective. Do what's in your heart. Just please don't risk your self-respect/self-esteem. When you compromise your self-respect in a RS, you give up your power to your partner and once that's done many will look to their partner to fulfill their needs (e.g. make them happy). It leads to codependency. You have a good heart, and you deserve someone who loves you. It sounds like your ex has an unrealistic expectation of love because passion is fleeting (that's why it's called the honeymoon period). He probably realizes what he let go having ended your RS but the problems you shared before the BU haven't gone away. He ended it with you, he should be pursuing you. If you love him, then the door is open for you to consider it but I don't think you should be contacting him to try and rekindle. IMO. Ultimately, you know him best. Just please don't compromise you in the process. .
Recommended Posts