Shared custody for a newborn?

[hotgurl]

Fine my mistake maybe I misremember. Maybe the doctor was stupid.

 

I was over 20 years ago that I started Birth Control.

 

But I don't think it is a bad idea to use back up method. Especially if you just are starting on BC again and you happen to forget a couple of pills.

[Balzac]

To be clear - I didn't invoke the word stupid.

 

I'm no fan of what I consider "outdated" oral contraceptives. Too many "operator error" statistics. Particularly in the youth population.

 

Too many users who don't have enough undetstanding of statistical analysis. I'm including men in the "user" category.

 

Fully half of pregnancies in the US are "unplanned". Few mentions of "perfect use" statistics show up on LS. It's tragic.

[just.in]

We talked about me living with my parents and how I would see the baby. She wants me to drive down and stay overnight when I want to see the baby. She wants me to come down for 2-3 days a week. She said she would drive to my parents twice a month instead of me coming down. So I can have the baby in my space and my parents can see it. We'd still be living together part time, though.

 

She keeps asking me questions like if I'm dating anyone else or seeing people, if I'm sleeping with other people, when I'm going to date again. She keeps saying she isn't going to date anyone else ever because she only wants to be with me, wants to wait for me to change my mind and doesn't want someone else fathering our baby.

 

She is really close with my parents, talks to them a lot and they do a lot for her. She thinks they are going to 'abandon' her too. She never says why though.

 

She normally never cries. She's gone through a lot in her life and I've only seen her cry maybe twice. With the pregnancy she has been crying because there was no toilet paper on the roll or she dropped a pen.

 

If she's not having sex with me, she's not having sex with anyone, honestly. I'm the only person she's done anything with and she's extremely shy. Plus she was raped in the past and it took us over a year to do anything besides kissing. I'm not having sex with her so contraception isn't much of an issue at this point.

 

I have no doubt that I will love the child, I already do, and that I wouldn't change it for the world. But that doesn't mean my anger towards her will *poof*.

[Balzac]

The more backstory you share - the greater validation of your decision. She may be academically brilliant but she's a psychological mess. Good luck to you and your patents with that part of this. At this point co-parenting is unavoidable.

 

Anger can be resolved. Anger is the least of your problems. I'll stop there because she is the mother of your child. I feel your pain.

[Arabella]

I have no doubt that I will love the child, I already do, and that I wouldn't change it for the world. But that doesn't mean my anger towards her will *poof*.

 

No, anger doesn't just *poof*. That much is true... I know it all too well.

 

However... someone might make the choice to work towards letting go of their anger by attempting to understand and relate to the other person's actions. They might do this because they recognize that while the other person made a mistake and hurt them, they are apologetic and want to repair the relationship.

 

You still must care about her on some level, even if you've been too angry to recognize this right now. You've seen her hormones at play, making her break down over nothing. Is it really so difficult for you to accept that the hormones and grief from the miscarriage made her act irrationally?

 

That is, of course, assuming that she actually got pregnant on purpose. Distraught as she was, it wouldn't surprise me if she failed to take the pills correctly, or they just plain failed... which is known to happen. Her being pushy about sex could have been nothing more than wanting to feel loved. Again, not surprising after a miscarriage.

 

This woman loves you and she's carrying your child. I think she deserves that you at least take the time to cool off (however long that takes) and try to get over the anger. Why not at least try to go to counseling together? At the very least, you will learn to understand each other better and cope with the break up.

 

-A

[thinkingofhim]

The more backstory you share - the greater validation of your decision. She may be academically brilliant but she's a psychological mess. Good luck to you and your patents with that part of this. At this point co-parenting is unavoidable.

 

Anger can be resolved. Anger is the least of your problems. I'll stop there because she is the mother of your child. I feel your pain.

 

I think I'd be a psychological mess too if I had a miscarriage and then got pregnant again accidentally only to have my fiance dump me and demand I send my tiny, fragile, helpless newborn infant over to be raised by him in his parents basement 50% of the time.

 

She hasn't admitted to trying to get pregnant again intentionally. People get pregnant on the pill all the time, sometimes multiple times.. It just doesn't work that well for some women. As for being careless, he was having unprotected sex with her for a month because they both assumed she couldn't get pregnant. They are BOTH bad at using birth control and unless his x comes out and admits she was deliberately trying to get pregnant I would not assume she was.

[Balzac]

It's always interesting to read the opinions and advice on LS

 

My take on this is the only "counseling " OP needs is to identify what within him caused him to choose a relationship with this girl. Her historical issues seem vast and deep. Nary a mention of her being engaged in counseling. With her history and her recent decisions - red flag w flashing lights.

 

He's stuck co-parenting but that's the extent of it.

[Arabella]

It's always interesting to read the opinions and advice on LS

 

My take on this is the only "counseling " OP needs is to identify what within him caused him to choose a relationship with this girl. Her historical issues seem vast and deep. Nary a mention of her being engaged in counseling. With her history and her recent decisions - red flag w flashing lights.

 

He's stuck co-parenting but that's the extent of it.

 

It almost sounds like you're implying that a woman who has been raped means that she's a train wreck and unworthy of being in a relationship with because she's "damaged"?

 

Some carry damage from sexual abuse, others from a difficult first-love break up, others from growing up with a low socio-economic status, and yet others from bad parenting. WHO isn't damaged to some extent? I'm sure the OP has his issues as well.

 

He chose a relationship with her because he saw value in her. Only he knows what this might have been, but one thing is for sure.. her actions need to be put into context. She got pregnant by accident and miscarried, and she acted unlike herself from hormones and grief (which the OP readily admits to have witnessed also).

 

He has every right to be angry over her actions, but I also think he's clinging on to his pride and righteousness so fiercely that he can't even see clearly what's really happened, and what the consequences of his actions could be. If this continues, by the time he gets enough perspective, the damage will be too great to repair.

 

-A

[Balzac]

It almost sounds like you're implying that a woman who has been raped means that she's a train wreck and unworthy of being in a relationship with because she's "damaged goods".

 

-A

 

 

Nope. Quite the contrary. Taking the totality of what the OP has shared of her history and current decisions and statements. I hold great empathy for victims of the crime rape. I do not view them as damaged in the sense you ate stating. I am though well aware that many victims were psychologically damaged prior to rape.

[lollipopspot]

I'm not in any way clear that she got pregnant on purpose, or just through carelessness (which you share!) or simple BC failure.

 

I'm thinking that if this didn't break you up, you'd be finding some other reason to dump her in the future though, some lack of perfection.

[Balzac]

In real life - he's entitled to dump her for any reason he deems fit. Just as any poster here is free to e press their opinion of the veracity of his claims regarding her.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Not to mention that she is only 21, her mother dead, father not around and she has no support system.

 

This is the mother of his child. If for no other reason that that, she deserves sympathy and compassion as she will be raising his child.

[iris219]

YES. I broke up with a woman who lied to me, went against what I wanted and created a child that we are not ready for. There is NOTHING wrong with breaking up with someone who gets pregnant on purpose. It does not make me a bitter person. I'm sorry but you don't try to get pregnant when you know the other person does not want a child.

 

So, you're saying that after the first accidental pregnancy you learned your lesson and you used condoms, yet she still somehow managed to trick you into getting her pregnant again? Wow. That's pretty amazing.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

I'm not in any way clear that she got pregnant on purpose, or just through carelessness (which you share!) or simple BC failure.

 

I'm thinking that if this didn't break you up, you'd be finding some other reason to dump her in the future though, some lack of perfection.

 

I agree with this. And the more truth and back story we get, the more I understand that the OP refuses to accept accountability for this mess that he helped to create. Instead of making the best of a $hitty situation , he is stomping his foot like a petulant child because it's not what he wanted.

 

And rather than do the right thing, he just wants to be right, and through moral indignation can justify becoming THAT guy...you know the one...the one who helped get his girlfriend pregnant and did a runner on her and left her with no support system and blames her for the whole lot.

 

This will be the legacy you leave your child. I wonder what 'version of truth' you will tell them when they ask about why you never stayed with their mother. I wonder what she will tell them.

[Mascara]

That poor girl. What a past. And about to go through a huge upheaval with neither a partner nor a mother.

[Shepp]

I think I'd be a psychological mess too if I had a miscarriage and then got pregnant again accidentally only to have my fiance dump me and demand I send my tiny, fragile, helpless newborn infant over to be raised by him in his parents basement 50% of the time.

 

She hasn't admitted to trying to get pregnant again intentionally. People get pregnant on the pill all the time, sometimes multiple times.. It just doesn't work that well for some women. As for being careless, he was having unprotected sex with her for a month because they both assumed she couldn't get pregnant. They are BOTH bad at using birth control and unless his x comes out and admits she was deliberately trying to get pregnant I would not assume she was.

 

I agree.

Like I say I don't think she was being malicious, nothing more than grief and hormones, and OP was happy the first time so she probably thought he'd be happy again.

 

At the end of the day its OP's call to decide what he wants: single with shared custody or to try to move on be with his girlfriend and raise their kid together.

Its his life.

[bentleychic]

I think I'd be a psychological mess too if I had a miscarriage and then got pregnant again accidentally only to have my fiance dump me and demand I send my tiny, fragile, helpless newborn infant over to be raised by him in his parents basement 50% of the time.

 

She hasn't admitted to trying to get pregnant again intentionally. People get pregnant on the pill all the time, sometimes multiple times.. It just doesn't work that well for some women. As for being careless, he was having unprotected sex with her for a month because they both assumed she couldn't get pregnant. They are BOTH bad at using birth control and unless his x comes out and admits she was deliberately trying to get pregnant I would not assume she was.

I agree completely. It sounds like she may have misunderstood the dr. about the bc pills and, btw, if you don't take them at the same time every day, they are supposed to be less effective, too. It really doesn't sound to me like she tricked you. Have you TOLD her that's what you think happened in terms of why you broke up with her?

 

I have had a miscarriage. It is one of the most horrible gut wrenching, heart breaking feelings that I've ever had, other than losing a loved one. I know not everyone agrees on when they become babies, but that was MY baby. I sat in a corner rocking, body racking sobs for hours, days, weeks. I had other children, but it didn't make that loss any easier. I will admit that becoming pregnant again after the miscarriage DID help heal my heart.

[scorpio1978]

The first month you start birth control it is not effective. You need to go through a whole cycle to become 100% effective. Most doctors recommend using a back up method during this time.

 

Not to mention what hormonal spikes could have been happening from the recent miscarriage.

 

She could have done it on purpose or she could have had a BC failure.

 

 

See, my doctor recommended a back up method for only one week when starting a new pill. It is very easy to get confused when there are so many differing stories.

[scorpio1978]

I agree completely. It sounds like she may have misunderstood the dr. about the bc pills and, btw, if you don't take them at the same time every day, they are supposed to be less effective, too. It really doesn't sound to me like she tricked you. Have you TOLD her that's what you think happened in terms of why you broke up with her?

 

I have had a miscarriage. It is one of the most horrible gut wrenching, heart breaking feelings that I've ever had, other than losing a loved one. I know not everyone agrees on when they become babies, but that was MY baby. I sat in a corner rocking, body racking sobs for hours, days, weeks. I had other children, but it didn't make that loss any easier. I will admit that becoming pregnant again after the miscarriage DID help heal my heart.

 

 

 

I have an ultrasound to prove the bold sentence is absolutely true. It happens, guy. I want to ask you this though...if she hadn't done this "on purpose" like you think, how would you feel? You already said that you weren't ready and didn't want a baby. I wonder if the anger of having a baby now is just as much of a factor in how you're feeling. Would you be just as angry if it was truly an accident? Because let's face it, unless she comes right out and says that she did this on purpose, you have only your mind playing tricks on you and telling you how horrible she is for deceiving you. I doubt any of us are going to change your mind though. You are dead-set on believing what you want to believe.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Also depends on what type of pill. If it's the combined pill, give or take 12 hours, but the progesterone only (mini) pill is sensitive to +/- 2 hours.

 

Not that it matters. OP is pretty firm in his resolve. Its clear he just wants to punish her. I can't help but think he is cutting off his own nose to spite his face.

[Arabella]

Not that it matters. OP is pretty firm in his resolve. Its clear he just wants to punish her. I can't help but think he is cutting off his own nose to spite his face.

 

This is the overall feeling I get from his posts, too. It's baffling to me that he would dump this woman that he planned to marry because he is suspicious she might have staged the second pregnancy.

 

Nevermind the fact that she just miscarried his child, she has no support system, and she states that it was accidental. He has no proof that she did it on purpose, but still chooses not to believe her. So much for trust...

 

Yeah, he has every right to dump her for any reason he wants, but these are not the actions of someone who loves their significant other. Unless, of course, there was some other reason and he's just using this as an excuse.

 

One day he's going to look back and see what a humongous mistake he made, but in the meantime, he's ruining their relationship. And when the day comes, I hope she's grown enough to realize how horrible his actions were and does not take him back.

 

I almost think that she's going to be better off without him in the long run. He's not the kind of man she should be making promises of "for better or worse" to...

[scorpio1978]

This is the overall feeling I get from his posts, too. It's baffling to me that he would dump this woman that he planned to marry because he is suspicious she might have staged the second pregnancy.

 

Nevermind the fact that she just miscarried his child, she has no support system, and she states that it was accidental. He has no proof that she did it on purpose, but still chooses not to believe her. So much for trust...

 

Yeah, he has every right to dump her for any reason he wants, but these are not the actions of someone who loves their significant other. Unless, of course, there was some other reason and he's just using this as an excuse.

 

One day he's going to look back and see what a humongous mistake he made, but in the meantime, he's ruining their relationship. And when the day comes, I hope she's grown enough to realize how horrible his actions were and does not take him back.

 

I almost think that she's going to be better off without him in the long run. He's not the kind of man she should be making promises of "for better or worse" to...

 

I want to triple "like" this. One of the most sensible things regarding this topic so far

[DaisyLeigh1967]

She miscarried, following that she went on the pill (or so she claimed). 2 months after the miscarriage she was pregnant. She would leave the pill packets on the counter and I could see that days pill missing but never recall seeing her actually take one. So she didn't take them, just pretended to. No, I didn't use condoms and thus if the pregnancy would have be accidental I would have no problem staying with her (like I did last time) and would welcome the addition. But this was not an accident.

 

I think it's best for kids to have their parents together and I think when you have a kid you should stay together for the child and make it work. However, this is a different situation that we talked about a lot and she knew my stance on. IMO, if a woman gets pregnant on purpose the child become her responsibility. She wanted the baby, she can have it. I will be there for my child but I will not be there for her. She was well aware of this. I would be miserable being with her, and that is NOT in the best interests of the child. Happy separated parents over miserable together parents wins any day.

 

She did not have therapy, she pretended everything was already because "no one understood or cared". It's her fault we aren't together. I don't sympathize with someone when they caused the outcome and were well aware of what would happen. Yes, it sucks she lost the baby and had a hard time dealing with that. But that is all I will feel bad for. She is worse now than before because she is having our baby and we're not together, which she is much more upset about. No, I'm not there to support her a way a BF or husband would during the pregnancy. I care about her well-being but I'm not going to act like her BF/fiance/husband when I am not. Again, something she created herself.

 

We don't need therapy. We are friendly together and I do not want to be with her. No therapy needed. Yes I am bitter here but to her I am not.

 

For maternity leave she is going to play it out and see. It will most likely be 6 months but up to a year since that's what Canada offers. Her mom won't be helping her, her mom died a long time ago and her dad was never in the picture. The rest of her family lives far away. She also has no friends in the city she lives. She's completely on her own in that regard.

 

She is only 21, 22 when the baby gets here. I'm 26. I've never been into younger girls because of the immaturity and different lifestyles (I outgrew the party/drinking phase years ago). She had always been different. More mature than a lot of my friends and smart, too. She is finishing university in a few weeks, which she had a full ride scholarship to.

 

Here is an issue I have, which is about the living situation. If I live with her I get to see my baby daily, learn what needs to be done and how to do it and help her out. Apparently that is in the babies best interest. But what happens to my EX when I leave? She is going to me more devastated because I'll be leaving and starting to take the baby away from her for the first time. She wants to be with me and she thinks if I keep living with her I still want to try and work things out. She also things when the baby gets here I will want to be with her again. If she gets more depressed is that in the best interest of the baby?

 

 

Got news for ya Jack. The law does not see it that way. You will be legally responsible for this child.

 

You are contradicting yourself as well. On one hand you are all upset and saying SHE is responsible for the child, since she OOPS'd you. Well Darling, you lay down with someone, and stick your thing into someone else's, you run the risk of a pregnancy, no matter if she were on the Pill properly or not. It happens. Basic biology. So, no matter what you think or feel, the fact is you are just as responsible. Get over it.

 

On the other, you are having **** fits over her wanting to BF and acting like you want to just take the baby from her, no matter what is good for the baby or not. Sounds a little vindictive...you want to punish her and the baby is the best way to do that isn't it?

 

You have an awfully inflated view of yourself. You don't want the baby, so why are you plotting to take a newborn for overnights and acting like an ass about breastfeeding?

 

Look Dude, I understand that she deceived you. You cannot come back and forgive her. You are bitter and angry. That is totally understandable. Okay whatever. She will find another guy someday who will love her and will be a good stepdad to your child. It happens.

 

But actually thinking about taking her child away because she might become depressed over you leaving? You think you would be better parent because she might be upset? So you would potentially destroy her, and try to take her baby away? Nice.

 

Dude look. Move out, leave her alone, and when the kid is born seek your rights and visitation. Pay your child support. Do not try to take her baby. She doesn't sound like she is trying to keep you away from the baby. And really, you didn't want the baby anyway, so why are you trying so hard to control ****?

 

This is one area where men just cannot run everything and it makes them nuts.

 

Be sure to use condoms when you have sex with other women, all of the time.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Not to mention that she is only 21, her mother dead, father not around and she has no support system.

 

This is the mother of his child. If for no other reason that that, she deserves sympathy and compassion as she will be raising his child.

 

Exactly.

 

But no. Apparently, he must take the child half of the time, raise the child in a basement with his mom and dad right there and make the baby eat formula when the baby is with him. He must make her pay and pay for her mistake.

 

And that benefits the child how? It doesn't. And thankfully, I do not see a court mandating his wants.

 

If I could talk to this young lady, I would tell her to stop with the crying and emotional **** with this guy. To have some pride. That he does not want her and does not care. That she is better off to just let it go and move on. That someone else will come along who will TRULY love her and her child. And for now, to concentrate on herself and her child, and her future. No man is worth all of this emotional crap. NONE. And that she needs to get counseling. And a lawyer just in case.

 

The OP could use some counseling himself.

Edited December 7, 2013 by DaisyLeigh1967

[scorpio1978]

Exactly.

 

But no. Apparently, he must take the child half of the time, raise the child in a basement with his mom and dad right there and make the baby eat formula when the baby is with him. He must make her pay and pay for her mistake.

 

And that benefits the child how? It doesn't. And thankfully, I do not see a court mandating his wants.

 

If I could talk to this young lady, I would tell her to stop with the crying and emotional **** with this guy. To have some pride. That he does not want her and does not care. That she is better off to just let it go and move on. That someone else will come along who will TRULY love her and her child. And for now, to concentrate on herself and her child, and her future. No man is worth all of this emotional crap. NONE. And that she needs to get counseling. And a lawyer just in case.

 

The OP could use some counseling himself.

 

 

 

I agree, but it's easier for us to say for her to have pride and move on, etc. When you're 21 and having a baby with the only man you have ever been with and have no support system, there is no way she will ever be able to take the advice for her to stop and move on. It's not going to happen any time soon. Years and years down the road, hopefully. I feel really badly for her.

 

 

Also, we have no proof that she did indeed deceive him. It's his word against hers. I just sense so much anger and hatred in his words and posts that it makes me uneasy. I have suggested counseling to the OP. He doesn't think he needs it.

 

 

My goodness, what a mess. I can only hope that when the baby is born, she looks at him or her, gets a newfound strength and says "You know what? I will not let this guy get me down". I just want to hug her.