Shared custody for a newborn?

[just.in]

Is this why you broke up with her?

 

I broke up with her because she tried to get pregnant, without me knowing, and succeeded. Reason enough for me.

[d0nnivain]

She doesn't need to breastfeed but there are certain benefits. Although she's saying now that she will never give your child formula, the baby isn't here yet. Things happen. I think if it means keep the peace, the baby should be able to eat forumla once in a while so the baby can spend overnights with you.

[Arabella]

I broke up with her because she tried to get pregnant, without me knowing, and succeeded. Reason enough for me.

 

Just wondering.

 

Have you considered, however, that you might come to regret this? You are angry, and understandably so. But you were going to marry this woman, and you would've had children with her at some point.

 

She had a miscarriage and I'm sure she was highly emotional during this time. Even if the pregnancy was an accident, she had to "rise" to it and become a mother in order to prepare herself. Then it was snatched away from her and she never had her baby.

 

I'm not excusing what she did, but I ask that you consider how she might have felt, and why she acted the way she did.

 

Are you really willing to give up your family over what she did?

[just.in]

I could regret it, who knows. I will have to deal with that if that becomes an issue. But I doubt it will. We have been broken up for 4 months and I don't regret it. I regret what she did, not what I did.

 

I was going to marry the person I THOUGHT she was, not who she really is. The person I thought she was wouldn't have lied to me or tried to get pregnant when she knew I wasn't ready and financially we are not ready. The person I thought she was would have talked to me about it first.

 

Before she was pregnant we had a conversation about women who get pregnant on purpose. She knew that my opinion was that I would break up with a woman who got pregnant on purpose, yet she did.

 

I'm not giving up my family. Do you live with every member of your family? No. Neither do I. I'm sure you don't like every member of your family, neither do I.

 

I understand why she did what she did, to some extent, but that doesn't make it okay and doesn't mean I want to be with her. She ruined everything I felt for her.

[d0nnivain]

Just.in

 

You are a hard, bitter person. You broke up with a woman you were engaged to because she intentionally got pregnant with your child. Wow.

 

Make sure you get this kid some therapy when s/he is old enough to understand why you left the mom.

[just.in]

Do you understand what you just said? "You broke up with a woman you were engaged to because she intentionally got pregnant with your child."

 

YES. I broke up with a woman who lied to me, went against what I wanted and created a child that we are not ready for. There is NOTHING wrong with breaking up with someone who gets pregnant on purpose. It does not make me a bitter person. I'm sorry but you don't try to get pregnant when you know the other person does not want a child.

[Got it]

I agree with Carrie and think it is in your best interest to seek legal counsel. I am not saying you need to take this to court but knowing your rights, what the norm is for custody, visitation and overnights for newborns, etc. will help you come to a compromise on this.

 

Sorry for the tough situation.

[Arabella]

 

YES. I broke up with a woman who lied to me, went against what I wanted and created a child that we are not ready for. There is NOTHING wrong with breaking up with someone who gets pregnant on purpose. It does not make me a bitter person. I'm sorry but you don't try to get pregnant when you know the other person does not want a child.

 

I agree with you in principle, just.in. I really do. But maybe because I'm a woman and I'm pregnant too, I'm having a hard time feeling it.

 

She made a mistake. Does she feel remorseful over having deceived you? Has she tried to apologize and explain what she did?

 

Are you really incapable of forgiving her? The baby is coming whether you are with her or not...it seems like a shame that you three won't be a family together, like you were supposed to be

[just.in]

How would you feel if you were dating a guy and he started poking holes in condoms because he wanted a baby but you didn't? You would feel forced into a situation that you didn't want and was caused by someone you loved. IMO, if you love someone you don't force them into something, especially something life changing.

 

It's not just a mistake she made, it's a huge, life changing mistake for a lot of people. I cannot trust her and what she did ruined all the feelings I had for her.

 

Yes she feels bad and says if she could do it over she wouldn't have done it, but that doesn't change anything. Remorse doesn't make things okay. I can forgive what she did but can't get the feelings back for her. Nor do I want to.

[Arabella]

How would you feel if you were dating a guy and he started poking holes in condoms because he wanted a baby but you didn't? You would feel forced into a situation that you didn't want and was caused by someone you loved. IMO, if you love someone you don't force them into something, especially something life changing.

 

It's not just a mistake she made, it's a huge, life changing mistake for a lot of people. I cannot trust her and what she did ruined all the feelings I had for her.

 

Yes she feels bad and says if she could do it over she wouldn't have done it, but that doesn't change anything. Remorse doesn't make things okay. I can forgive what she did but can't get the feelings back for her. Nor do I want to.

 

I'm actually quite familiar with this type of situation. I've been in a similar situation with my SO, and I understand what you're feeling better than you'd think... In the end, I chose to stay with him, and I think we're still better off together than separate. Part of that is that I'm carrying his child and I don't want her to be without him. But that's just me.

 

It just seems like a shame. I feel bad for the baby, and I feel bad for her because I know what she must have been feeling too.

 

But I do understand why you broke up with her, and I don't doubt that you made the right decision for yourself. Just wish you could at least try to work it out...

[just.in]

But I do understand why you broke up with her, and I don't doubt that you made the right decision for yourself. Just wish you could at least try to work it out...

 

If I made the right decision for me, as you said, why would I try and make it work when that would clearly be the wrong decision?

 

I don't think there is any reason to feel sorry for her. It was her decision to make and she knew I would break up with her.

[scorpio1978]

I don't know the specifics of how she got pregnant on purpose. Was she lying about being on the pill or did she really poke holes in condoms? It's ****ty either way and I see the trust and feelings being gone, but I think it's anger that is causing you to think this way right now. I am not saying that after the baby is born, all will be right between you like a happy family, but you should stay where you are right now for the baby's sake, be there when he/she is born and then discuss arrangements, etc. Don't put any extra stress on the situation right now talking about schedules and breastfeeding, etc.

 

 

I get that you want to leave and have your baby to yourself, but you need to understand that she is not breastfeeding on purpose to keep you from the baby and you will have plenty of time when she baby is weaned to be a one-on-one dad. Let her breastfeed and have that bonding time with the baby and see what happens. You never know, not all moms can successfully go that long breastfeeding anyway, but is the best thing for the baby.

 

 

You're pissed, I get it, but back off and put the baby first for a little while.

[Janesays]

I agree with you in principle, just.in. I really do. But maybe because I'm a woman and I'm pregnant too, I'm having a hard time feeling it.

 

 

I'm pregnant right now too and I'm feeling him just fine. If a man forced me into having a child I wasn't ready for, I'd be there for my kid.....but I would never have anything to do with HIM ever again.

[Arabella]

If I made the right decision for me, as you said, why would I try and make it work when that would clearly be the wrong decision?

 

I don't think there is any reason to feel sorry for her. It was her decision to make and she knew I would break up with her.

 

That's the thing... You're about to become a father and it's not just about what's best for you anymore.

 

You might be best served by walking away from her, but but there's also a child's best interest to consider now. It sounds like you're refusing to even try to work it out just out of anger and pride.

[Arabella]

I'm pregnant right now too and I'm feeling him just fine. If a man forced me into having a child I wasn't ready for, I'd be there for my kid.....but I would never have anything to do with HIM ever again.

 

To each their own.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

 

My EX is adamant that I cannot take a newborn away and if I want to see the baby I will have to come to her place. She wants me to see the baby and be involved but doesn't think a newborn should be moved around a lot. She is going to breastfeed (no formula whatsoever) and says she won't be able to 'supply' enough milk for a weekend or whatever it happens to be. She says when the baby is older we can figure out a 50/50 (or close to) schedule.

 

You are not going to like this, but I agree with your ex. She is absolutely within her right to breastfeed - It is in the best interests of the child.

 

You are walking into dangerous territory here if you do not respect the mother -child bond here.

 

I have 3 children. My youngest is 4 months old and has not left my side since her birth as she is exclusively breast fed. I am essentially 'on call' 24/7 because I need to meet her needs.

 

Im not even going to get into the health benefits of breastfeeding over bottle feeding except to say all your actions and decisions from this point on need to be made IN THE BESTS INTERESTS OF THE CHILD. In some instances, this is going to be in direct conflict with what you want. To understand more about the role of mothers with infants, maybe google 'The fourth trimester' to understand just how important it is to keep mother and baby together post birth. There is also a WEALTH of studies and articles out there which states that maternal separation creates stress in newborns and can have damaging effects on newborn brains. While you are there, maybe do some research on breast vs formula. Formula is a great substitute for those who cant or wont breastfeed, but its not the best, and never as good as the real thing for a whole HOST of reasons outside of simple nutrition. Dont you want the best for your baby? And some mothers just cant express. Your ex wont know until she gets there whether that is a viable option.

 

You will be hard pressed to find any judge who will legally separate a breastfeeding mother from her infant in the early days.

 

The GOOD news is that she wants you to have a relationship with your baby. She has opened the door for you to be around as much as you want as a newborn. And they arent newborns forever. I know its not what you WANT, but in the early days, I think if you did a bit of internet research, you'd probably come to the conclusion that its what is best for your baby initially. Try to be around your baby as much as possible to begin to build a bond. The only thing that is impossible for you is breastfeeding, but there are so many other ways a parent can bond with a newborn. Start on that ASAP, but understand, for the newborn/infant phase, its probably going to have to be on mums terms (which are on baby's terms - trust me, in those first 6 months, everything revolves around that baby).

 

As time goes on, you can look at gradually increasing the time away from mum as baby's needs change and can be removed and be independent from mum. She's not shutting down any relationship - she just wants what is best for her baby. I know, because Its what I wanted for my children also. Please respect that and try to do whats best for your baby.

[stillafool]

How would you feel if you were dating a guy and he started poking holes in condoms because he wanted a baby but you didn't? You would feel forced into a situation that you didn't want and was caused by someone you loved. IMO, if you love someone you don't force them into something, especially something life changing.

 

It's not just a mistake she made, it's a huge, life changing mistake for a lot of people. I cannot trust her and what she did ruined all the feelings I had for her.

 

Yes she feels bad and says if she could do it over she wouldn't have done it, but that doesn't change anything. Remorse doesn't make things okay. I can forgive what she did but can't get the feelings back for her. Nor do I want to.

 

I completely understand how you feel. You were basically tricked into becoming a father. She was very, very selfish in her actions. It's clear she was not thinking about you or the baby but only what she wanted. I would feel as you do about her. However, this baby is coming whether you like it or not and the baby's needs come first. The most important thing now is the health and welfare of the newborn.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

She got pregnant on purpose. She didn't admit it, but it was pretty obvious. It wasn't to trap me, we were already engaged, she was just being emotional/hormonal after a miscarriage.

 

 

This is really really sad. Did she receive any counselling to work through the grief?? There are so many emotions which come to the fore in the wake of a miscarriage. Loss, grief, FAILURE! Its harrowing as a mother.

 

She was grieving the loss of her baby and made a terrible decision in the process.

 

I understand you are fuming from the lying and the tricking. I get that.

 

But dont you see the irony in fighting for something that you never wanted in the first place. Cant you find some sympathy in there to see she made a terrible error in judgment in the wake of a tragedy, only for you to completely turn your back on her. I know you're hurt too, but cant this be salvaged? If this is ONLY road block. Isnt it worth trying for your family???

 

I just see a whole heap of unnecessary pain and resentment - on both sides. I think you could both do with some counselling.

[Balzac]

How much maternity leave will she be taking? Is her mom coming to help her?

[bentleychic]

So you're fighting to take away the baby that you don't want and your broke up with her over creating with you? I don't agree with her tricking you, BUT that aside...

 

I have no advice other than hopefully the courts side with her in regards to breastfeeding. She's better than I b/c there's no way in hell I would have agreed to my 6 month old breastfed baby having overnights and I HOPE she won't agree to anything legally like that (if she hasn't already done so) until the baby is born and she sees how things actually are.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

So you're fighting to take away the baby that you don't want and your broke up with her over creating with you? I don't agree with her tricking you, BUT that aside...

 

I have no advice other than hopefully the courts side with her in regards to breastfeeding. She's better than I b/c there's no way in hell I would have agreed to my 6 month old breastfed baby having overnights and I HOPE she won't agree to anything legally like that (if she hasn't already done so) until the baby is born and she sees how things actually are.

 

So true. My older 2 didnt do overnight with grandparents whilst they were still breastfed. (well past 12 months)

 

 

Please read this: Its sensible, factual and relevant:

LLLI | The Breastfeeding Relationship and Visitation Plans

Edited December 5, 2013 by ThatsJustHowIRoll

[Mascara]

Many jurisdictions won't award overnight visitation for a child under one year, in many cases two years.

 

Regardless of breast feeding.

 

But in case you get lucky, I'd advise you to drop your breast feeding argument... I can't imagine any court looking favourably on you for trying to use that as a way to get visitation. It will be a severe mark against you.

[scorpio1978]

I wonder if you have ever thought about couple's counseling. Not to work out your relationship, but to be able to talk freely to a non-biased party and learn better ways to cope and coexist as parents. I just sense things getting ugly because of the anger and resentment you harbor towards her and the possible hurt she feels from the miscarriage, end of the relationship and lack of support from you right now. I cannot imagine you are sitting there, rubbing her belly, going through the motions of a pregnancy with her.

 

 

Maybe you can two will be able to understand a little better what is hurting you both in order to come to the best place in your lives to co-parent peacefully.

[nittygritty]

Does she need to breast-feed? No.

 

Should she? ABSOLUTELY!!!!

 

Do a little research. The benefits of breast-feeding an infant are well documented by many studies, which show it strengthens their immune system, among other things.

 

To gain this benefit, she must breast-feed for at least 6 months, but optimally one year.

 

I don't think that is necessarily true. Research how many breastfed newborns get dehydrated and can suffer from malnutrition. Breastfeeding can also transmit many drugs and some diseases to a baby. I don't think breastfeeding should be more important than being able to have an overnight visit with the other parent. Their is a case that is currently challenging this.

 

Mom Puts Her Desire to Breastfeed Above Her Baby's Well-Being | The Stir

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

I don't think that is necessarily true. Research how many breastfed newborns get dehydrated and can suffer from malnutrition. Breastfeeding can also transmit many drugs and some diseases to a baby. I don't think breastfeeding should be more important than being able to have an overnight visit with the other parent. Their is a case that is currently challenging this.

 

Mom Puts Her Desire to Breastfeed Above Her Baby's Well-Being | The Stir

 

What rot. Complete and utter fabrication of 'facts' to support your argument.

 

The article you have posted is an opinion piece. I would recommend sticking to facts and evidence to support your argument.

 

Here are some FACTS for you:

 

Breast milk is very rich in nutrients and antibodies to protect your baby (NOT pass drugs or disease).

 

It FIGHTS disease (you should read up on how this happens - womens bodies really are quite clever this way). Breast fed babies have a lower incidence of Lower respiratory infections

Asthma

Obesity

Type 2 diabetes

 

Its easier for babies to digest - no consitpation,

 

It is STERILE - thus reducing the chance for viruses, infection, oral thrush etc. No need to sterilise bottles, no need for measuring. No need for warming and storing appropriately.

 

That being said (because I had to address the utter crap in that statement) the issue here is not breastfeeding. The issue is that the father wants to separate the baby from its mother for extended periods. This is because the father thinks its not OK for baby to be separated from the father. I agree.

 

But can you see that separating the baby from its mother is the same argument in reverse...except worse. How the baby is fed is not really relevant. Even bottle fed babies should not be separated from their mother for extended periods. End. Of. Story.

 

So, the OP has a solution. OP stay in the apartment. Take advantage of that time and bond with your baby in other ways. Dont put your pride before your child. I have a feeling that watching your ex fiance give life to your flesh and blood may just change how you see her anyways. You dont have to make any promises of devotion and acceptance of the situation, but you may be able to groove a path where you can be effective co parents and friends.