Shared custody for a newborn?

[just.in]

My EX is 7 months pregnant and I'd really like to have a custody agreement in place as soon as the baby gets here. The problem is trying to figure one out.

 

We lived together and signed a lease together. There is 12 months left on the lease and I have two options.

 

1. I keep living in the apartment with her even though we aren't together. It's a 3 bedroom so possible but very uncomfortable.

 

2. I move back home and live in my parents basement. I would have to pay $600/month for rent on the apartment we signed together because we are both responsible for half regardless of who lives there. I cannot afford to pay for 2 apartments so I'd have to stay with my parents. But my parents live 2 hours away.

 

My EX is adamant that I cannot take a newborn away and if I want to see the baby I will have to come to her place. She wants me to see the baby and be involved but doesn't think a newborn should be moved around a lot. She is going to breastfeed (no formula whatsoever) and says she won't be able to 'supply' enough milk for a weekend or whatever it happens to be. She says when the baby is older we can figure out a 50/50 (or close to) schedule.

 

My work schedule makes it harder because I generally work night shifts and often weekends. Even if I move I will be working for the same company, just different location.

 

I want to mention, she is a very accommodating person normally. She isn't going to try and keep me away from our baby and wants me to be very involved. She knows I want to move back to the city my parents are in (my hometown) and is seriously considering moving up there for me basically in a year.

Edited December 4, 2013 by just.in

[stillafool]

I completely agree with her. No good mother is going to let her newborn go away from her. It's just not going to happen. You will have to come up with a new plan.

[Arabella]

My EX is adamant that I cannot take a newborn away and if I want to see the baby I will have to come to her place. She wants me to see the baby and be involved but doesn't think a newborn should be moved around a lot. She is going to breastfeed (no formula whatsoever) and says she won't be able to 'supply' enough milk for a weekend or whatever it happens to be. She says when the baby is older we can figure out a 50/50 (or close to) schedule.

 

I'm pregnant currently also, and I feel the same way.

 

What she says is absolutely accurate, especially if she's breastfeeding. In the beginning, it's going to be hard for her to produce even a little spare milk, let alone enough for a whole weekend. As she and the baby get into the groove of things, she may be able to -- but then again, maybe not. Every woman is different in this regard.

 

Remember, newborns require CONSTANT attention... feedings every couple of hours, changing, etc. My advice to you would be that you stay with her in the apartment the first few months. Yes, it'll be a little awkward, but it's a large apartment. You will gain a better understanding of your child's needs and provide some much-needed help to the new mom.

 

-A

[amaysngrace]

Stay where you are. Once the baby is born she may be a whole lot less accommodating about a custody agreement.

 

If you live with the baby and see the baby every day it will only strengthen your case for getting joint custody later on.

[CarrieT]

Lawyer Up.

 

She won't agree to anything that seems reasonable to you without a court order.

[Arabella]

Lawyer Up.

 

She won't agree to anything that seems reasonable to you without a court order.

 

That sounds like a horrible way to taint their parenting relationship.

 

She's said or done nothing to indicate that this is what will happen, and she's giving perfectly reasonable arguments. Why not just give her some credit for the time being? He has said that she's normally a very accommodating person.

 

If he stays in the apartment with her, it will be easier for him to understand the reality of their situation and act accordingly. Plus, as it's been mentioned, it will strengthen his case for joint custody if it comes to that.

 

-A

[just.in]

I don't need to lawyer up. We have never fought about anything and have had no problems deciding on custody or other parenting issues. We both agreed on a schedule very easily for when I can take the baby with me. Without any issues we agreed I would get every other weekend (Friday afternoon-Monday morning) and every other Tuesday afternoon-Thursday afternoon. If we want to change things a bit or an extra day here and there for certain activities, that is fine for both of us. And yes, we have that in writing. She wants to add to the agreement that it will take effect when she can either produce enough breast milk for the duration or at 6 months. She was uncomfortable with 6 months because she plans to breastfeed longer than that and doesn't know if she will have enough milk for trips but we compromised.

 

I don't know if that is fair or not.

 

If we keep living together it would be very awkward. I want to see my baby, no doubt about it, but don't know how it will be living with her when we aren't together. We will have separate rooms but of course will still see each other. She still wants to be with me, badly. So I don't know how that will effect her.

[amaysngrace]

No offense but you picked a really crappy time to break up with her.

[BlametheIrish]

The courts where I live dont look fondly on an infant staying anywhere overnight without its mother.

[just.in]

No offense but you picked a really crappy time to break up with her.

 

Perhaps. But she picked a crappy time to do things that led me to break up with her.

[Balzac]

Is the OP in the USA? Consulting an attorney does not have to be adversarial.

[just.in]

Is the OP in the USA? Consulting an attorney does not have to be adversarial.

 

I'm in Canada. We've talked to a lawyer once to agree on a custody agreement for later on. But that's it. We only went so we could learn more about the laws and whatnot so neither of us got screwed over.

[amaysngrace]

Perhaps. But she picked a crappy time to do things that led me to break up with her.

 

What could she have done so wrong while carrying your baby? I doubt she took up a heroin addiction...

 

It's none of my business really. I just know from experience that being pregnant really kept me on the straight and narrow. She chooses to breast feed which leads me to believe that she genuinely cares about the life growing inside of her.

 

But so yeah, your timing sucks. But she's probably going to be better off and may even thank you later. I hope so.

[d0nnivain]

As long as you go into this with the best interests of the child at heart, it should be as OK as these things can be.

 

Take what you learned from the lawyer you saw together & ask her to write down everything that she wants & expects from your co-parenting:

 

who will have primary physical custody

 

how much child support will be

 

how often you can have custody / or at least see the baby

 

how will you make decisions

etc.

 

When she gives you her wish list, if it works for you, get it memorialized into a legal custody agreement. If it doesn't work for you, talk about it, keeping the baby's best interests at heart.

 

If she is breast feeding, obviously in the begining, you will have to come to her. There are some biological factors at play here which will change when the child gets a little older.

[CarrieT]

That sounds like a horrible way to taint their parenting relationship.

I agree. But she is already an "Ex" and the baby isn't even born so the relationship is obviously terribly, terribly damaged - regardless of who is at fault.

 

The benefits of a lawyer -- or mediator -- is to remove emotions for a more biased, viable long-term solution.

 

I doubt either parties involved are going to have their heads on straight to be able to come to a reasonable solution between themselves if they aren't even a couple at this point in their child's life.

 

My advice stands: Lawyer Up.

[amaysngrace]

The benefits of a lawyer -- or mediator -- is to remove emotions for a more biased, viable long-term solution.

 

My advice stands: Lawyer Up.

 

Yep. I retained one before I gave birth. He was very helpful.

[just.in]

She got pregnant on purpose. She didn't admit it, but it was pretty obvious. It wasn't to trap me, we were already engaged, she was just being emotional/hormonal after a miscarriage.

 

The lawyer asked us questions like that and we came to agreements on everything.

 

We don't have a terrible relationship. We don't fight, not when we were together and not now. We still get along, still have conversations. Yes, we aren't a couple but that doesn't mean we can't think clearly or in the best interests of everyone involved. I've made compromises for her, she's made them for me. We are not enemies. We didn't work, that's it.

 

An issue I have is, does she even NEED to breastfeed? I don't think so. She just wants to. Many people don't breastfeed. In a situation like this shouldn't she agree to use formula or breastfeed when the baby is with her and formula when the baby is with me? I'm not a woman, obviously I don't understand this the way they may.

[Arabella]

An issue I have is, does she even NEED to breastfeed? I don't think so. She just wants to. Many people don't breastfeed. In a situation like this shouldn't she agree to use formula or breastfeed when the baby is with her and formula when the baby is with me? I'm not a woman, obviously I don't understand this the way they may.

 

Does she need to breast-feed? No.

 

Should she? ABSOLUTELY!!!!

 

Do a little research. The benefits of breast-feeding an infant are well documented by many studies, which show it strengthens their immune system, among other things.

 

To gain this benefit, she must breast-feed for at least 6 months, but optimally one year.

[just.in]

Does she need to breast-feed? No.

 

Should she? ABSOLUTELY!!!!

 

Do a little research. The benefits of breast-feeding an infant are well documented by many studies, which show the benefits to their immune system, among others.

 

To gain this benefit, she must breast-feed for at least 6 months, but optimally one year.

 

I wasn't breastfed. I have an above average IQ, I've rarely been sick (including as a child) and I was a happy, well adjusted kid.

[amaysngrace]

She got pregnant on purpose. She didn't admit it, but it was pretty obvious. It wasn't to trap me, we were already engaged, she was just being emotional/hormonal after a miscarriage.

 

The lawyer asked us questions like that and we came to agreements on everything.

 

We don't have a terrible relationship. We don't fight, not when we were together and not now. We still get along, still have conversations. Yes, we aren't a couple but that doesn't mean we can't think clearly or in the best interests of everyone involved. I've made compromises for her, she's made them for me. We are not enemies. We didn't work, that's it.

 

An issue I have is, does she even NEED to breastfeed? I don't think so. She just wants to. Many people don't breastfeed. In a situation like this shouldn't she agree to use formula or breastfeed when the baby is with her and formula when the baby is with me? I'm not a woman, obviously I don't understand this the way they may.

 

Breast milk has all kinds of health benefits for an infant. It's much better for a baby than a laboratory concoction.

 

That's why it's a little bit weird that humans drink cow milk, but that is for another topic.

 

Anyway, you're still mad at her for getting pregnant instead of being grateful that you're becoming a daddy. So in that regard you are not putting your child first. It's still about you.

[Arabella]

I wasn't breastfed. I have an above average IQ, I've rarely been sick (including as a child) and I was a happy, well adjusted kid.

 

So?

 

Kids can and do turn out fine without breastfeeding, but there are scientifically proven benefits to doing so.

 

As I said, do your own research..., but here's an US government-sponsored link to get you started:

 

Breastfeeding | womenshealth.gov

[stillafool]

Perhaps. But she picked a crappy time to do things that led me to break up with her.

 

Sorry but no more time to think about what's best for you. Anything done at this point has to be what's best for this little baby. The baby needs his/her mommy. If she wants to breast feed longer than 6 months you should let her. Breastfeeding is excellent for your baby's immune system.

[thinkingofhim]

just.in, breastfeeding is a very sensitive topic for a lot of women. You need to know this. It doesn't matter one bit if you understand or "get it". Just KNOW IT, and accept it. Whether or not she chooses to breastfeed is her business and you really have no say in it. If you value your cordial relationship with her and the baby do not fight her on this. Women can be very passionate about their choices as far as breastfeeding goes and there is no surer way to infuriate a woman than to butt in. She should NOT agree to use formula unless she is comfortable with it. Absolutely not. Do not argue with her on this.

 

I personally tried to breastfeed and had to give it up for reasons I won't go into here. Its very very challenging to fully breastfeed a baby for many women. If she manages to fully breastfeed the baby despite the challenges and you start picking on her and trying to get her to stop, shame on you.

 

If you want her to remain friendly and open to joint custody then you NEED to let her have her way in this.

 

Also I cant imagine any court ordering her to let you cart a newborn infant 2 hours away for days at a time, being formula fed against mom's will. That sounds ridiculous. You cannot imagine how fragile and helpless a newborn is until you have one. His/her life needs to be as quiet and stable as possible for the first few months.

 

-Stay in the apartment.

-Do not argue with her about breastfeeding, this is her choice and yes, it is healthier for both mother and infant.

-Wait until the baby is older before trying overnights away from home.

-Seriously DROP the breastfeeding thing!!!

[just.in]

I am excited to be a dad, but that doesn't mean I'm not angry with her or that what she did was okay. If she wanted to try she could have talked to me. I told her I wasn't ready, the first pregnancy (that ended in miscarriage) was unplanned. That should have been that. It's not all about me.

 

Me wanting to spend time with my child does not mean it's all about me. Me being angry with her does NOT mean I'm trying to make her miserable or get everything my way.

[Arabella]

I am excited to be a dad, but that doesn't mean I'm not angry with her or that what she did was okay. If she wanted to try she could have talked to me. I told her I wasn't ready, the first pregnancy (that ended in miscarriage) was unplanned. That should have been that. It's not all about me.

 

Me wanting to spend time with my child does not mean it's all about me. Me being angry with her does NOT mean I'm trying to make her miserable or get everything my way.

 

Is this why you broke up with her?