broken.but.strong Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 A few days ago I caught my boyfriend, the love of my life and the only man I have ever loved, in bed with another woman. I was suspicious and, knowing he had cheated on a previous girlfriend, I decided to surprise him at his house around midnight. Once I caught him, I threw a bit of a screaming fit, gathered my things, exclaimed I never wanted to see him, hear from him, or speak to him ever again and I left. I know the only way to move on is to try to be out around people and continue my daily routine. So the next day I was headed to the gym and happened to see him in his car on the way to lunch with the same woman from the night before. It obviously broke me. I know that what he did to me is not my fault. I was the best girlfriend to him that he could have ever asked for. I made sure that he always felt needed, wanted, and loved. We were not having problems. This is clearly some psychological issue he has that he cannot cope with. It has now been 4 days since I caught him and I am struggling. I feel like I will never be happy again; like I will never find someone I enjoyed being with as much as him; like this depression will never end. I know it's only been a short time, and I know these feelings will go away, but I just need some help. Why does it seem so easy for him to move on? I know he loved me…but I don't understand how you could do that to someone you love. Why does he get to be happy and comforted while I'm lying around in the lowest place I have ever been? I will NEVER get back together with him, but I still want him back. I keep thinking and dreaming about ways to fix the situation. Looking of words of encouragement to keep me strong.
Chi townD Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I will NEVER get back together with him, but I still want him back. I keep thinking and dreaming about ways to fix the situation. Looking of words of encouragement to keep me strong. Girl, sorry that this happened to you. That must have been awful. However, you handled yourself well. You don't want to get back with this guy. What you want back is the IDEA of what you had with this guy when things were good. When it was you and him against the world and walking through this world together; hand in hand. You need to start making positive changes in your life. You need to keep yourself constantly busy. Always on the go and on the move. Take some time to heal from this. It's only been 4 days and the wound from this is still very raw. This wasn't your fault, so don't start thinking that it was. Don't let thoughts of, "If I did this, then maybe he would still be with me." or "Maybe if I could have done more of that, then maybe he wouldn't have cheated on me." Believe me, those thoughts will come, because you're still trying to process what happened to make head or tails of everything. Your mind will want those answers. Just remember, when those thoughts enter your head, tell yourself that this was NOT your fault. Please, please continue to post here and vent away. People will be here to listen. You're a lot stronger than you think you are and people here will give you the tools to realize that. 2
fixing Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 (edited) Wow, so sorry that you gave your love to a sociopath. Its not your fault. This guy is absolute scum. He isnt capable of feeling remorse because his brain is wired differently to good people like, me, you and all other normal humans. Your doing great right now. Never talk to him again. He is a complete parasite. Once a cheater, always a cheater. At least you found out now! I know you are wondering how, and why, and can i make this work again etc. Thats the 'bargaining' stage your at right now. You are overwhelmed right now with the feelings of betrayal and humiliation. its normal. You just need to accept, that this loser, was nothing other than a mirage. The person you thought you were in love with never existed in the first place. Stay active, be around friends, and burn all of his **** and initiate NC forever. Edited December 4, 2013 by fixing 2
LostConfused123 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I'm so sorry this happened to you. I went through the same thing years ago and reading your post, I remembered the pain I was in and I thought it would never end and I couldn't imagine ever being happy again. . . Yet, here I am almost 20 years later broken hearted over someone else. (that was supposed to sound encouraging. . LOL!!) My point is, even though you don't feel like its possible now, you WILL get through this pain!! I know how awful you feel. I really do. it hurts like NOTHING else to be cheated on when you did nothing wrong. Okay, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!! It's not your fault!!! PLEASE PLEASE, don't let this sociopath ruin your self esteem. . . I know I know, so much easier said than done. You are Awesome!!! Don't forget that!!! We are all here for you!!! ((hugs)) 2
seekingpeaceinlove Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 (edited) So sorry for what you're going through. I would have gone nuts if I ever caught a bf cheating red-handed. You're going to be hurt for a while and of course you're going to question yourself but know this... What he did says EVERYTHING about who he is as a person and NOTHING about you. If he wasn't happy with the relationship he should have talked to you. A good, mature man would never cheat. He would talk to you and break up if the relationship wasn't working. Your bf is a coward. Consider this a blessing in disguise and you avoided possibly investing more of yourself (ie: marriage) into a bad, cowardly man. Surround yourself with friends, family and erase all memories of him immediately. Erase him from your life and pretend he does not exist. Block all forms of contact from him and allow yourself to heal. Remember: What he did says EVERYTHING about who he is as a person and NOTHING about you. You will get through this and end up a stronger woman. TIP: Once you are past the initial shock/grieving stage...I would HIGHLY recommend taking some kickboxing classes. You can punch and kick the sh*t out of a punching bag ..it almost feels better than s*x. Huge release. (BIG HUGS) Edited December 4, 2013 by seekingpeaceinlove 2
Canadiangirl78 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Wow..I am truly very sorry you're having to go through this.. This is all still so fresh but I want you to stay strong lady!! You sound to me, and I'm sure everyone else here like you are a very smart girl with a good head on her shoulders and I have no doubt you're going to be just fine when you come out on the other side of this. There are many people here who have gone through the same thing and they will be here to support you in any way they can. My best advice is to keep posting here as you need, you will find great comfort and support in others stories and experiences. Take care of yourself okay, if you don't nobody else will. 2
feelingtorn Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I caught the evidence of my ex's infidelity by a total accident too. I felt numb and dizzy, yet my heart felt like it was about to explode. A weird combo. No matter how much you loved/still love this person, always remind yourself that he DISRESPECTED you and BROKE your trust. He thought this was okay. You really do not want to spend the rest of your life with such a person. 2
BOREDouttaMymind Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I went through the same thing 6 times with 6 different gfs. I felt as if WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? I wanted to fix it. its a normal feeling. let your anger show. cry. scream. tell friends and family how you feel. don't hide it. it sucks, I know it sucks..but as I type this, im thinking about those 6 ex-gf's that I loved so much all those years ago, and you know what my friend?.. ..I have no feelings for them anymore and it doesn't hurt anymore. know why? because I was willing to feel the pain, feel the hurt, to tell others. and in time.. we learn to move on, and to accept the fact that we (you), are better than that, and deserve MUCH more than this. and I promise you, that if you allow yourself to cry and to hurt and to feel this pain.. you too will look back in a little bit on this situation and realize 'WOW! why did I cry so much over this person?'. trust me. 2
Author broken.but.strong Posted December 4, 2013 Author Posted December 4, 2013 Thank you to everyone for the kind words. As I cried my way through these messages I realized that there is hope for the future. I'm pretty sure I'm still in the grieving stage and hoping that I will eventually realize that there are better guys out there and that I'll find someone that will make me happier than my ex ever did (although that currently seems impossible). I'm getting ready to move to a new city for graduate school and will be far from my family and friends and I didn't expect to lose my companion and best friend. I was excited about this new endeavor but now I'm terrified because I won't know anyone and will no longer have that one person that always kept me calm and happy. I guess I'm just terrified of being lonely. I know this is so so selfish and although I would never wish this pain on anyone else, sometimes it’s nice to know that others have been through the same thing and have come out the other side stronger and happier than before. I'm not usually a very emotional person and definitely not one to naturally express my feelings. But this one was just to big to deal with myself. I really appreciate all you strong and smart people out there that are willing to lend a kind word to a stranger. 1
LostConfused123 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I moved to a new city after a broken heart (after the cheater, before the latest) ha ha! I didn't know anyone either and it is lonely at times but only if you let that happen. What I mean is, I made an effort to make new friends and see new places. . . Well, I guess I didn't really have to make much of an effort because I'm naturally outgoing and I looked at it as an adventure. I don't know if you're comfortable going to places alone. . movies, restaurants, I even checked out the zoo by myself and after a couple months I met so many people, I actually looked forward to a night alone. I even met a new guy shortly after, didn't work out obviously but was fun while it lasted. I know it seems impossible right now but you can and will get through this! No matter where you move, we are all here for you!!! Please keep us posted so we can keep giving you support. . . someday when you have gotten past this, you can pay it forward. ((hugs)) 3
Am4Real Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Seriously...not to make light of those who can experienced the same as OP just that I thought things like this only happened in Soap Operas and the Movies!! What kind of scum bag brings another person for SEX into the house shared with his/her partner. How low can someone go...apparently I know now... So sorry for the pain and aftermath. 1
Jules78 Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Seriously...not to make light of those who can experienced the same as OP just that I thought things like this only happened in Soap Operas and the Movies!! What kind of scum bag brings another person for SEX into the house shared with his/her partner. How low can someone go...apparently I know now... So sorry for the pain and aftermath. Unfortunately there are a lot of people who do this. And yes, scum they are! To the OP - It happened to me too. It sucks! I thought I was going to die from the pain. But hi, here I am alive and well! Stay strong and DO NOT CONTACT HIM EVER! Not to say, I hate, I miss you, I still love you, I want you to die. Nothing! Do not contact him because it will make your pain even worse. Trust me on that one! You will obsess over all of the questions you are already asking yourself. The answer is always the same. Who f'n knows?! Who knows why cheaters do what they do other than they are selfish and it has nothing to do with us AT ALL. You will get to a point where you start to not care. Keep moving forward and do not contact him. It's the worst thing you can do. Post here for support! Best wishes. 1
Meadowgreen Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 I am SO sorry this ******* humiliated you in this way, sweetheart. He's a disgusting, immoral, selfish slab of trash and his conduct has NO bearing on you. Everyone messes up. Lots of people get the roving eye but most of them - the mature ones at least - know how to lock that **** down and stay true when they're with someone worthwhile. The dumb ones however can never see something great when it's right there in front of them. They don't know how to recognise the qualities that make up an especially good person as you seem to be. I think it's a wonderful thing that you're about to start an exciting new chapter in your life. Now you can give yourself a completely fresh new start and focus on being the best version of you that you can be. Love yourself and you'll never need validation from the likes of him again. Fall off the face of the planet, Go hardcore NC and let him wonder where you went. He'll need you waaaaaaay before you'll need him, when he's old, frail and devoid of true love and companionship. I've known tons of losers like him, and they all wind up sad and lonely in the end. Leave him to his lies and trashy women. Reputation (not to mention social diseases) catch up with the likes of him, and even the most wily players eventually get played. He'll get his hunny, trust me, and you'll be long gone, leagues happier and living the full and happy life you deserve! Stay strong and know that you'll always find love and support here 1
Am4Real Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 This is worded with extreme wisdom and frankly sums up my thoughts after reading the experiences of a fee in this thread. Unbelievable! I've known tons of losers like him, and they all wind up sad and lonely in the end. Leave him to his lies and trashy women. Reputation (not to mention social diseases) catch up with the likes of him, and [highlight]even the most wily players eventually get played[/highlight]. He'll get his hunny, trust me, and you'll be long gone, leagues happier and living the full and happy life you deserve! 1
Author broken.but.strong Posted December 5, 2013 Author Posted December 5, 2013 I sincerely thank everyone for the time they have taken to help me. It serves as a reminder that there are good people in this world that care about others. All of y'all have been more encouraging to me than me ex ever was, and we are strangers! I'd love love love some help with this next phase in my recovery. My ex texted me tonight for the first time since the incident. I did not respond and deleted the text right after I read it…however, maybe I shouldn't even have read it. I want to be done with this guy, but for some reason his contacting me gave me this stupid glimmer of hope that things can work out (yes, I know they can't. I know I'd just end up getting hurt again. Maybe not right away, but eventually.). Anyway, his text was asking if I would be home this this weekend because he has sent me something that will die if not taken inside. Obviously flowers. What should I do? Should I throw them in the trash without even opening the box? Or should I open them to see what's inside and then throw them away? Or I guess I could have a friend look at it for me and tell me whether or not I should read the card… Although I feel a million times better after receiving the text, I almost wish I didn't. I just want to be strong and get through this! WITHOUT HIM!
Meadowgreen Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 (edited) I sincerely thank everyone for the time they have taken to help me. It serves as a reminder that there are good people in this world that care about others. All of y'all have been more encouraging to me than me ex ever was, and we are strangers! I'd love love love some help with this next phase in my recovery. My ex texted me tonight for the first time since the incident. I did not respond and deleted the text right after I read it…however, maybe I shouldn't even have read it. I want to be done with this guy, but for some reason his contacting me gave me this stupid glimmer of hope that things can work out (yes, I know they can't. I know I'd just end up getting hurt again. Maybe not right away, but eventually.). Anyway, his text was asking if I would be home this this weekend because he has sent me something that will die if not taken inside. Obviously flowers. What should I do? Should I throw them in the trash without even opening the box? Or should I open them to see what's inside and then throw them away? Or I guess I could have a friend look at it for me and tell me whether or not I should read the card… Although I feel a million times better after receiving the text, I almost wish I didn't. I just want to be strong and get through this! WITHOUT HIM! I actually cannot believe the arrogance of this man. He seriously believes some poxy flowers will put everything right, as if they can make you unsee him ****ing another woman in HIS bed, a place where you lay with him and shared your most intimate moments. It's always your choice what you do hun, but men like this, they don't change. He cheated on his partner before you, and don't be naive to believe that he only cheated on you once. Cheaters only bring their side piece to their home when they're drunk on confidence, the kind of confidence a cheater gets when they've gotten away with LOTS of forbidden, secret sex. As painful as that is, think about that for a moment. If he's got a car, he's definitely ****** her in there. If she's got her own place, they've been all over that. I'm not saying these things to wound you, I'm saying these things so you can see this man for the snake he is. How many times has he hugged you, told you he loved you, made love TO you, days or maybe even HOURS after getting it on with some skank? He's looked you in the eyes to make you believe you were the only one for him, all the while he's been thinking about his next fix outside the relationship. You've woken him from his dream as the ultimate player, and now he's scrambling to get you back. Sure he realises what he's lost, and he SHOULD! It should haunt him for the rest of his life because that's what he deserves. If you have any respect for yourself you will put those flowers straight in the bin. NC is the only way forward. Remember, your life is just about to start. Don't let this parasite latch on again. Edited December 5, 2013 by Meadowgreen 1
Chi townD Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 Anyway, his text was asking if I would be home this this weekend because he has sent me something that will die if not taken inside. Obviously flowers. If it's not a puppy or a kitten then don't bother taking them inside. If they're flowers, tell the delivery guy to take the card off and give them to his wife or girlfriend courtesy of your ex-boyfriend. And if he doesn't have a wife or girlfriend, then tell him to drop them off at a children's ward or maturity ward at a hospital somewhere. Look, things are scary right now. You're about to venture out to a new city to go to school. Here's the rub, our lives are our own. We CHOOSE who we want to share it with, but ultimately, we're the ones that need to venture out and see what's out there. If we have someone special that wants to come along for the ride, then great! This guy wasn't someone special (even though you thought he was). Keep your chin up! Talk to people here and talk to friends and family. DO NOT BOTTLE IT IN! Let people know what's going on in your life and how badly you are hurting. I've been where you are, so I KNOW that there isn't too much that I can say that's going to make you feel 100% better right now. It's going to take some time. Remember, the best thing you can do is NOT interact with this douche rocket AT ALL! Block him on Facebook and ignore anything he sends at you. Whether it be flowers, texts, phonecalls or emails. Ignore it all. Time to move on. 1
seekingpeaceinlove Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 Brokenbutstrong, remember that even after you found him with the other woman in bed he was driving around town with her the next day!!! Let him stew in his guilt and remorse. Also, don't forget that you CAUGHT him. He didn't come to you confessing what he did...you caught him. Who knows how long he would have continued cheating on you. There is a huge difference between him coming to you to admit what he did and getting caught. If he sends flowers, refuse the delivery. If it's already on your porch, give it to your neighbor or throw it away. Don't even read the card. It's obvious that he's going to grovel. Right now you need to maintain NO CONTACT. You're too emotional and weak right now that if he comes apologizing, tears, cards, letters, etc...you may get sucked back into being with him again. Girl, he doesn't deserve you. He's a cheater. When you're strong enough and have healed (will take a long time) then maybe you can forgive him and close this chapter completely. But for now, you need time apart to gather yourself, regain confidence and to mend yourself. Best advice: Block him: email, text, calls...block block block! 1
greenflower Posted December 5, 2013 Posted December 5, 2013 I still can't believe that it's us, the good people, who are left suffering and heartbroken, while sociopaths, cheaters, lyers and bad persons who used to be our partners are having fun - dating new people, having sex, moving on so easily. What's our rewards for all the energy, time and love spent on people like that ? Where is the justice, I feel like that is preventing me from moving on. What if what goes around doesn't comes around ? (Treated my ex like gold and accepted her for who she was despite all her mental illnesses, and she threw me away like garbage and is now with another guy..) 1
Author broken.but.strong Posted December 6, 2013 Author Posted December 6, 2013 So it has been 6 days now and although I am still devastated, thanks to the support of my family, friends, and of course all of you on this message board, I feel a little stronger. I still dream about him at night and about getting back together, but I'm starting to believe that this sadness might come to an end eventually. Today the calls started from my ex. He has been calling non-stop and texting, but I have not answered, have not responded, and delete the texts every time he sends them. He keeps asking me if I'm around because he has some of my things to drop off…but I feel like this is just a ploy to talk to me. If he has some things of mine, he can either leave them at my doorstep or throw them out. I guess he will figure that out eventually because I will not be responding to ANYTHING. If he comes to my door while I'm home I will kick him out without a word. And if he comes to our gym, I will have them kick him out (because everyone there is my friend. Not his.). I owe him nothing. 2
Still Searching Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 So it has been 6 days now and although I am still devastated, thanks to the support of my family, friends, and of course all of you on this message board, I feel a little stronger. I still dream about him at night and about getting back together, but I'm starting to believe that this sadness might come to an end eventually. Today the calls started from my ex. He has been calling non-stop and texting, but I have not answered, have not responded, and delete the texts every time he sends them. He keeps asking me if I'm around because he has some of my things to drop off…but I feel like this is just a ploy to talk to me. If he has some things of mine, he can either leave them at my doorstep or throw them out. I guess he will figure that out eventually because I will not be responding to ANYTHING. If he comes to my door while I'm home I will kick him out without a word. And if he comes to our gym, I will have them kick him out (because everyone there is my friend. Not his.). I owe him nothing. I really hope you can stick to all of this. I'm sure it's tempting to hear him out, see what he has to say, but in the end, nothing will change what's happened, what he's done. Good luck!
Simplysimon Posted December 6, 2013 Posted December 6, 2013 Can I just say why men do this. It's tragic you found him how ever.. You were the best girl friend ever.....no you were not cos he screwed someone else..so why...men can love a woman yet sleep with another and still go back to his real women and be lyove..he feels guilt but it's how he handles it. Men have to manage control to prevent them straying . it's how they stay loyal. You have to control him Hun... So you were the best girl friend,.you loved him, did stuff for him, worshipped him, made love to him... Women use sex to get relationships, men use relationships to get sex...fact... You got to be mysterious, you need to make a balance, tease him, deny him, control him.... To prove that I'm right the fact is you would take him back if he swore never to do it again.... Learn by this....do your crying get rid of him and start again with someone new...balance and control..
Recommended Posts