chrysene Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 (edited) I've been researching and reading these threads since a "forced hand" break-up 3 weeks ago. In addition to the excellent pinned "No Contact" threads (I think it came from "barky"?), I wanted to share two sources that provided me with the most convincing reasons for not looking back. How to dominate post-breakup trauma Get Over a Breakup ? Mend Your Heart in 5 Simple Steps Below is a 6-point compilation/excerpts of these authors' insightful messages (all credit to them and their prose). I find that emotional reasoning, commitment to your own logical conclusions by writing/documentation, and setting forth a definitive non-relatoinship goal are critical to recovery. Hope it will help some of you here. Me, I'll be running an ultra-marathon next year in South Africa. 1. Evolution. Grief will automatically happen. It’s not necessarily because you love them so much and so forth. It's the fact that you are human. As a human, when you lose something, your mind feels grief. It is your mind’s way of processing loss. It’s part of evolution. Just as the body feels pain with something is awry. So go ahead and feel as bad as you want. Because it’s going to hurt. You’re going to feel the pain and feel like ****. And that’s how it’s going to be. Don’t be asking why does it hurt or what did you do to deserve it. The pain is already there and wondering about it is useless. After all, you did just go through a heartfelt relationship, and only you know how special that was. 2. Looping. The mind that is in pain is expecting something that will ease the pain, stop the questions, and bring it peace. It is looking for answers. It won’t rest until it does. But this doesn’t mean you should just sit and think about what happened. You will never get over the breakup if your past relationship keeps going on in your head. Going at this pace usually takes a long time. You just end up going around in circles. You need to see your relationship for what it really was, and stop. Understand that you are separate from your thoughts, and that your mind isn’t always productive. Recognize when your mind is looping, and as soon as it starts looping, you have to get out of it. Thinking about it is of no use. 3. Goals. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Or, “Do a lot of hard **** when you don’t even feel like it, and it’s going to make you man up, build character, and become stronger.” There were times when the only thing I wanted in my life was that person. But that wasn’t really true. What do you want to accomplish in your life? If you answer “Get them back,” then consider this: Is the purpose of your life really only so much? Doesn’t your life need to be more meaningful than this? 4. No Contact (collected from various LS threads, with gratitude). You are forcing them to lose you right then and there. You have nothing to lose – you already lost them. You are removing the source of your pain (them) from your life. If they aren’t in your life, they cannot hurt you. It’s that simple. How long will it hurt? For as long as you want it to. Remember, they are now out of your life, they cannot hurt you. So if you’re still feeling pain, it is coming from within you, not from them. Thinking about good times is pointless, there is no chance of getting it back. To dwell on what you once had is ultimately self-destructive. Give your mind time to purge them. They need to become a distant memory. Any response will just get you thinking. Even the smallest interaction brings them into the present, and you need to process new information over them. 5. Broken. You broke up because of a reason. You broke up because your relationship was broken. Do you know what it’s like to be in a relationship where the other person doesn’t want to be with you? It turns into a toxic relationship. And then you constantly feel insecure. And then they criticize you constantly. And then your self-esteem is damaged. Your light is dimmed. So, you have just avoided something much worse than a breakup – You’ve avoided a toxic relationship. Your relationship is over. And if you’re secretly hoping that you will get back together and everything will be the same again, then maybe it will. You will go back to relive the same broken relationship, and the same breakup, again. 6. Expectations. When you are in a relationship for a long time, you can blame the dynamics of the relationship. But in a shorter relationship that was near perfect, it’s hard to find a reason. But you have to blame something. It’s your mind’s way of handling loss. Unless you find out who is to blame, your mind won’t rest. So you end up blaming yourself. But I guarantee you that you weren’t responsible for the breakup. If you think your relationship was perfect, then chances are it was pretty good. And they probably thought the same. But whatever it was, it was their problem. Do not blame yourself for it, and do not hurt your self-esteem for this. Your expectations weren’t met, it’s OK. They won’t be even if you reconcile. It’s because the relationship was broken. The only difference is it looked perfect on the outside. Edited December 4, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
Robbyrob Posted December 4, 2013 Posted December 4, 2013 Excellent !! And you just gave me an answer to my problem, if you see last post:)) thank you 6. Expectations. When you are in a relationship for a long time, you can blame the dynamics of the relationship. But in a shorter relationship that was near perfect, it’s hard to find a reason. But you have to blame something. It’s your mind’s way of handling loss. Unless you find out who is to blame, your mind won’t rest. So you end up blaming yourself. But I guarantee you that you weren’t responsible for the breakup. If you think your relationship was perfect, then chances are it was pretty good. And they probably thought the same. But whatever it was, it was their problem. Do not blame yourself for it, and do not hurt your self-esteem for this. Your expectations weren’t met, it’s OK. They won’t be even if you reconcile. It’s because the relationship was broken. The only difference is it looked perfect on the outside.
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